Self-Image

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
Dbrown
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Self-Image

Postby Dbrown » Tue Dec 23, 2014 3:01 pm

Hello, it's my first time writing in this forum. Feels kinda weird doing this so I'll keep it short.

I'll be getting married in sept of 2015 and I just wanted to now how does one develop a confident self-image. I'm extremely self-conscience of my body. I try to avoid any activity that requires showing my body eg Swimming, I fear it may hinder my marriage in the future since being naked in front of my wife to be is inevitable. Is there anything I can do build up my confidence? Thanks

Dbrown

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Re: Self-Image

Postby cbmike » Wed Dec 24, 2014 7:10 am

Exercise was a big help for me personally. A confident self-image seemed to develop as my general self-confidence went up, and exercise proved to be a boon to both. I have done a number of other things that also made me feel like I looked better, like improving my posture and grooming facial and pubic hair.

It might also be worthwhile to spend some time naked by yourself at home (if possible). A state of undress may seem more natural to you if you have experienced it on your own. Don't feel embarrassed about getting naked just because; remind yourself that this is something your future wife will enjoy seeing.

Finally I would say that confidence is little more than the ability to act like you have it. Once you are married it will be much more important for you to act with confidence than it will be for you to feel confident. The action often comes before the feeling, I've found.
There's one thing I know, and this is it.

Dbrown
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Re: Self-Image

Postby Dbrown » Wed Dec 24, 2014 7:50 am

Thanks for the insight cbmike. I guess what i'm also concerned about as well is her reaction to seeing my erected manhood at the time of intimacy. I've read a lot of posts on this website of newly wed couples standing in front of each other naked for the first time on their honey moon night. The idea seems soooo impossible to me. Maybe I'm extremely shy, but did you or anyone have that struggle? Or is it just me?

Dbrown

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Re: Self-Image

Postby 1980BC » Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:30 am

As to the wedding night nerves of being seen naked and erect, I had a little trepidation about that, but I chose to trust that I chose a good woman to marry and that God wouldn't design me this way and send me a wife knowing that being naked around each other was part of the deal if she was going to be repulsed by me. But yes, those "gremlins" whispered "no woman wants to see that. Keep it holstered, pal!"

You already got some good advice on how to prepare in the months leading up. You've got 9 months. An exercise habit kept to for that long will yield results that would boost anyone's confidence, no matter their starting point. General naked time alone will help normalize the sight for yourself. You'll be good to go by Sept.

So no, you're not alone in this. Just choose to believe God designed you the way he wanted you for your wife.

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Re: Self-Image

Postby marriedandlovingit » Wed Dec 24, 2014 8:43 am

My DW and I are over weight. We both had body image issues because neither of us is anything like the over-blown, over popularized, perfect models we see in advertising and entertainment. Even after previous marriages (she was highly abused for 11 years, I was a widower after 18 years), we both were nervous about that first night.

This is perfectly normal. You will be pesentjng yourself naked to someone for the first time.

If the wedding is any time soon, you won't be able to have much impact on how your body actually looks through diet or exercise.

This is a mental issue. It might help to present yourselves to each other fully dressed. Think of this as presenting yourselves as a gift to be unwrapped by your mate. Your own uneasyness will tend to melt away as you "unwrap" your bride. As will hers when she "unwrap you". This worked for us, your milage may vary.

P.S. If you two are not well familiar with anatomy, you would also benefit from examining some good liturature on the male and female genitals. I'm sure you can get some good recommendations from this forum.
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: ... Hebrews 13:4 KJV

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Re: Self-Image

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:12 am

Dbrown wrote: I guess what i'm also concerned about as well is her reaction to seeing my erected manhood at the time of intimacy.


What is it that concerns you about her reaction?
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
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Dbrown
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Re: Self-Image

Postby Dbrown » Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:28 am

@Seeking Perspective

I guess i'm concerned that she might think it's gross and/or weird, she might be alarmed at how it looks/feels, even though i know she's not unfamiliar with male genitals (she was studying to be a nurse a few yrs back). I guess that's what concerns me the most. Keep in mind she hasnt given me the idea that she'll resent my body during our time of intimacy. I know she loves me and will continue to love me as time goes on. I guess this is my own worries running away from me.

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Re: Self-Image

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:37 am

Perhaps you could send her this link, from the TMB main page.

The fact that other couples have stood naked in front of each other doesn't mean that you have to. As you get closer to the wedding, you and your future wife should talk about your expectations of the wedding night. You can share your concerns with her. She may have some of her own fears and concerns as well about her body. Together, you can talk about how you can both become comfortable with this aspect of intimacy. Then again, you may be so excited to get to be sexual with her that your fears will fly right out the window!
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Re: Self-Image

Postby Dbrown » Wed Dec 24, 2014 4:49 pm

@Seeking Perspective, Yes, thank you for the advice. Yes hopefully the feeling will be so strong that all the fear and anxiety goes out the window. Thanks!!

Dbrown

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Re: Self-Image

Postby Romantic Husband » Sun Jan 11, 2015 3:58 pm

You've been given some excellent advice, and I would like to suggest that you discuss this concern in advance with your fiance so that you can do what you are both comfortable with. If it helps, you're not the first to be nervous about this. On our wedding night, we two virgins were so bashful that we dressed in our sleep clothes one at a time in the hotel bathroom. We undressed each other in bed with the lights out, and then nature took over. The sleep clothes stayed off the rest of the night. In fact, they stayed in the suitcases for the rest of the honeymoon. You'll find that you'll become comfortable with each other's bodies rather quickly.
Matthew 19:26 - With God all things are possible.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

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Re: Self-Image

Postby LovingDoves328 » Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:16 pm

I can't comment on sexual confidence (not married yet), except that prayer always helps me, no matter the issue.

I used to weigh nearly 300 pounds. At 6'2, it showed, a lot. I was tired all the time, lazy, depressed, and irritable. Also suffered some early heart attack warnings (sudden shortness of breath). I started changing when I was 21, healthy diet and regular exercise. It was painful. It hurt. Every day I felt like I was going no where. At the same time I was struggling with porn. I could write thousands of words on this, but I'd say that you need to improve yourself and your relationship with God before worrying about your FW (and I'm still minus an arm until Thursday, so I'm being lazy).

I'll condense what worked for me into a brief list:

1. Accept the Path Before You

I had to come to grips with the choices that I had made, including my sin. It's the most important first step. Physical fitness is a very hard goal to reach and sustain in our modern world. Lots of tempting shortcuts out there. Diet drugs, surgery, fad workouts. This isn't something you change once and then forget about. You make a permanent change to how you live or else it will come back. Ever day, say out loud "I'm doing this for myself and the wife of my youth because she deserves it."

2. Cardio

Weights are good, but cardio is the foundation of a healthy everything. Viagra and Cialis both have the disclaimer at the end: "Ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex."

If you start a cardio program (I prefer running, but you may like swimming or cycling better) now with a goal of building stamina and endurance, you will be in great shape by September. You may not look much different, but your heart will be much stronger (there are lots of so-called beautiful people out there who look great but don't have the foundation needed to perform in an athletic sense). I went from nothing to running a mile every day without stopping in just a few months. Consult a professional trainer first.

3. Hobbies

Do you have something you're passionately involved with? Ever wanted to try X, Y, or Z? Do that and connect with others who also do that. For me, it's history, antiques, firearms/self-defense training, and writing. This is the mental side of self-confidence, and helped me associate exercise as one of the things I enjoy doing. Confidence in one area will bleed into others. Positive reinforcement.



Good luck! You can do this, but start now.

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Re: Self-Image

Postby partydelights » Thu Feb 05, 2015 5:55 am

Dbrown wrote:I'll be getting married in sept of 2015

Congratulations!

Dbrown wrote:I'm extremely self-conscience of my body... I fear it may hinder my marriage in the future since being naked in front of my wife-to-be is inevitable.


Indeed. My DW once had self-conscious issue (not too extreme though) and did put some strain in our relationship. But I'm glad it's all over now. So I'll share a little experience.

Dbrown wrote:I just wanted to now how does one develop a confident self-image ... Is there anything I can do build up my confidence?


1) Guard your mind.
You are what you believe you are. If you keep telling yourself (and us) "I'm extremely self-conscience of my body", you will be.

So stop chanting that old mantra. Instead, pick up a new line or two, like

Confident Booster 1 wrote:My body is fine. I LOVE being naked.

Confident Booster 2 wrote:How I wish wedding is tomorrow. I'll FLAUNT myself to her who is deeply infatuated with me!


2) Face your fear.
Go, join a swimming class.

If your local law permits, go jogging half-covered in your local parks. (Or wrap a towel around your top). Yes, show off yourself like your local athletics do (doesn't matter whether you have assets or not; Just make sure you're not breaking any public indecency law.).

If this is too much too soon, buy some short, sport-tights and visit the gym.

3) Believe you're wonderfully made.
After delivering our 4th child, DW's body started to change. Her bottom became bigger and so are her breasts. And her tummy got loose. She started to secretly think I'll love her less. Of course I did not know. And as months pass, problems start to enter our marriage.

All those for what cause? Yes, she THOUGHT I don't like her almost double-sized bottom. She THOUGHT I don't like her "fattened" appearance. But what an irony. I couldn't take my eyes off her since then. It was with great disbelief that she finally realized I actually LOVE HER EXTRA MUCH for those pounds and those unfounded family issues were resolved.

So Brother, have faith! You are wonderfully made. You may think you looked ugly or lacks something to be "perfect". But it may work out otherwise. In bare minimum, your FW may not even notice those "flaws" of yours. And believe it or not, those "flaws" are just your imaginations.

4) Gain sexual confidence ("entry level" only please).
A few commented to get in the nude when at home; or sleep nude; etc. Do it as often as you could. Make it a habit. As long as no one's around, get in the nude. 7 months should be long enough to prepare yourself for your "first night".

Then, Google for the meaning of "sexual confidence". Try to become one. (But also note those who wrote those articles could promote immoral lifestyles.)

Finally, 5) Ask and receive assurance.
Whatever negative things you feel about yourself, as your FW, or your Pastor's opinion. Their answers could conflict with your beliefs. Listen and take them in with a pinch of salt. High chances, they're right about you and you had gauge yourself negatively. So find ways to assure yourself with positive thoughts.

Wish you overcome this image issue. Work at it and you would.
God bless!
I love my wife, that's why I crave to have sex with her.

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Re: Self-Image

Postby Dbrown » Thu Feb 05, 2015 7:58 pm

@Party Delights, thank you very much for that break down. That was really helpful. I've been utilizing some of your suggestions as well as the other suggestions in this thread and it has started to yield some promising results so I thank each and everyone you for your insight.

Dbrown

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Re: Self-Image

Postby Marriedfire » Sun Mar 01, 2015 4:27 pm

Is your wife a visual person? In a truth she might now be particularly turned on by just a physical body in front of her. In other words , it might not be that big of a deal.

If she is a nurse then I doubt she will find any element of you gross.

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Re: Self-Image

Postby Pallando » Mon Mar 02, 2015 10:28 am

Three things:
1) God made you for your wife. No matter her reaction, He created you the way you are. You are her "type" because a God says so! And even if your fears are true and she is indifferent to your appearance, God has given you a lifetime of marriage for Him to change her heart toward your body.

2) She chose YOU. My DW is not in love with my penis like some of the other wives on TMB. This hurt me for a long time, but it is important to remember that she loves me as a person, and she married me. Men often see their members as a personification of themselves, and if their wives don't love their "member," they don't love them. If your wife is not head over heels for your manhood, it just means she doesn't see "it" as "you." She loves you and is marrying you. If she isn't attracted to your erection, then you can trust that she isn't attracted by ANY erection. So it's not about you.

3)whe. You have sex the first time (or first many times) you will gain a lot of sexual confidence. So don't feel like you have to be ready now. She will give you confidence when yousee her desire for sex. My DW may not be in love with my body, but she certainly loves what I do with it.

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Re: Self-Image

Postby poetess » Mon Mar 02, 2015 3:11 pm

When I was preparing for marriage, as a virgin bride, one of the books I read (Sheet Music, I think) said something like this: "Many men have told me that on their wedding night, they came out of the bathroom naked and the wife's reaction was less than excited. If you're thinking about doing this, don't. If a woman has never seen a fully erect penis (or even if she has), the size of it may scare her. All she'll be thinking about is That whole thing will never fit inside me! It's much better to undress each other, and that will allow her a chance to start to get aroused before she sees your naked member." Something along that line.

Well, my husband-to-be and I had already discussed what I would do that night (in terms of clothing), but we hadn't discussed him yet . . . so I specifically told him what I wanted him to wear, and that I wanted to undress him. It turns out he was planning on that anyway.

However you do it, take it slow. Play music, sip wine, eat snacks, hug and kiss and stroke each other . . . and your desire will naturally lead both of you toward more. Me, I was a naturally modest virgin bride, and I thought it might be awkward to be seen naked, but it wasn't, not at all.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Self-Image

Postby ahraysee » Mon Mar 02, 2015 5:37 pm

It wasn't until the day after I got married that my husband and I completely undressed each other. The wedding night we spent undressing until our underwear and exploring along the way. We went according to our own timeline, which was the single thing that made the wedding night and day after so magical. We didn't do things until it felt naturally comfortable for us to to them, and so there was no nerve wracking "okay it's time to get naked" time, it just happened when we naturally desired it. If you can talk to her about wanting to take things as they come instead of following the typical assumed script, things will be so much easier and enjoyable for you both.

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Re: Self-Image

Postby ledgemoor » Mon Mar 02, 2015 8:35 pm

Hi DBrown,

Is there anything in particular that you don't like about your body? Anything you do like?
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Self-Image

Postby Dbrown » Tue Mar 03, 2015 10:12 am

Thanks for the advice guys I appreciate it!!

@Ledgemoor, don't really like my stomach, I could lose a few pounds there. I somewhat like my chest. But that's about it

Dbrown

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Re: Self-Image

Postby ledgemoor » Tue Mar 03, 2015 9:28 pm

Ok, so your body isn't perfect, but pretty good. You can always start taking steps to lose a little off the stomach. This isn't a secret to your fiancée, and she apparently doesn't care, but it may help build your confidence. Suggestions to go swimming, etc. are excellent. Face your fears, bro.

I guess what i'm also concerned about as well is her reaction to seeing my erected manhood at the time of intimacy.

I guess i'm concerned that she might think it's gross and/or weird, she might be alarmed at how it looks/feels....

I seriously doubt that any woman who has seen penises before and still decides to get married will be grossed out by her lover's penis. I would discuss it with her. Women generally are more bashful about their genitals than guys are, so she may have similar feelings. Just ask her how she feels about being naked together the first time, and see where the conversation leads. Of course you want to assure her that you are dying to see her.

I think you are making too big a deal out of this. I'll bet that when the time comes, it will not be as difficult as you are anticipating. I was kind of excited about showing mine to my wife. When the time came, it wasn't the life-changing event I was expecting. I was surprised how natural and comfortable it felt. The reason you get married is to know each other as fully as possible, and nudity is part of that. The easiest part IMO.

BTW, I wore a simple bikini brief which she removed. I gave her a simple sheer robe that opens in the front with a sash to tie it -- easy to get her out of! We still have it. It's not the most revealing thing we have, but it is still my favorite.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)


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