Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
Ladybug16
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Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby Ladybug16 » Thu Feb 05, 2015 4:25 pm

Hello! I have been lurking on here for a while, but I'm hoping now that some of you will be kind enough to give me some advice.

I have just started counseling for a number of issues that have come to the surface in my dating relationship. FH and I have been together almost a year and a half, and getting married in a year and a half. >_< We've been long-distance; first, 1000 miles apart and in the past six months, 4 hr drive away. When he first told me he was not a virgin (I am), I think that triggered a lot of insecurity, low self-esteem, neediness, anxiety, and shame in me. These caused a lot of hormonal fights between us, but I'm working through them with my counselor.

However, I would like a more Christian focus on authentic sexual attitudes. I think I am still a little traumatized from "the talk" with my parents ages ago. The concept of sex has always been intriguing and embarrassing to me. I also carry around a lot of shame from dabbling in porn several years ago. And I experience a lot of anxiety because FH is experienced and I'm not. However, I desire him a lot and cannot wait to be married and am looking forward to making love. It is hard trying to keep my thoughts under control, and frankly, often I do not want to because it's a sort of comfort when he's far away. But, again, it makes me ashamed of myself and my lack of self-control. I feel very perplexed that these sexual desires are objectively good, but I cannot indulge them or think about them or act on them. I don't think I think about sex more than average, but it grosses me out that other people are doing it, and it stresses me out that it's so natural and everybody's doing it but I don't have a clue. I simultaneously want sex and am terrified of it. And I don't know how it's possible to associate sex with shame and then suddenly for it to be good and wholesome.

I know I'm really overanalyzing. :oops: But I'm sure lots of people have dealt with these to an extent. Perhaps you can give me some perspective?

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby partydelights » Thu Feb 05, 2015 11:43 pm

Ladybug16 wrote:And I don't know how it's possible to associate sex with shame and then suddenly for it to be good and wholesome. I know I'm really overanalyzing.


Yes, you are "over-analyzing".

First of all, sex in itself is neither good nor bad.

In the Bible, sex OUTSIDE marriage (be it premarital or extra-marital) is sin. Only sex WITHIN marriage is chaste. This I'm sure you know already.

But what I want to say now is, Why are you associating sex with shame? Is it because your FH is not a virgin? Has he repented? Have you forgiven him? IN YOUR EYES: To what degree has the Blood of Christ cleansed him?

If your answer to the last three questions are yes, yes, 100%, then sex is NOT associate with shame. It's only associated with good because when it was created, God declared "it was VERY good".

However, from OP, I sense "fuzziness". Maybe deep inside you, your answer is "I hope he repented", "Yes, I could forgive him if...." and 100% "provided...".

Well, examine yourself. How about pray for greater grace to be shown to you, to him, and by you to him.

You love him. Let go his past. Move on with him.
Let your love for him removes all fears of mistrust and nagging doubts.

Reach out to believe that within the arrangement of God, sex is beautiful, holy, sacred and chaste. When constrained within God's requirement, sex is to be viewed by all Christians (married or not) as clean and holy, not something shameful and to be avoided.

So dear sister, smile. There is nothing to resolve except for you to receive God's full grace and be at peace with yourself.

Hope my 2 cents helps you a little.
I love my wife, that's why I crave to have sex with her.

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby Mrs Weller » Fri Feb 06, 2015 6:09 am

Sex is am amazing incredibly powerful act of love, and like anything with a lot of power it can be very dangerous if use inappropriately. Unfortunately I don't think a lot of churches communicate that very well. When you marry you create a closed unit and in that closed unit we are free to explore sex in all it's delights in safety. In that respect it's a lot like electricity.
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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby cbmike » Fri Feb 06, 2015 6:17 am

Ladybug16 wrote: it grosses me out that other people are doing it, and it stresses me out that it's so natural and everybody's doing it but I don't have a clue.

In my personal experience, I was only really worried about other people's sex lives before I had one of my own. Once I had my own knowledge and experiences I was no longer bothered by those of the people around me.

I have a very close friend who is engaged to a woman with whom he has been in a long distance relationship for years, and it seems to me that long distance relationships can have a way of exacerbating certain insecurities.
There's one thing I know, and this is it.

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby txtwindad » Fri Feb 06, 2015 9:31 am

Ladybug16 wrote: However, I desire him a lot and cannot wait to be married and am looking forward to making love. It is hard trying to keep my thoughts under control, and frankly, often I do not want to because it's a sort of comfort when he's far away. But, again, it makes me ashamed of myself and my lack of self-control.


It's good that you looking forward to sex. There is nothing wrong with dreaming and fantasizing about what that might be like, either. The word translated as lust in the New Testament means strong desire. The same word is used positively and negatively. Depending on if the object of your desire can be morally possessed by you. You are dreaming about sex with your future husband. Nothing wrong with that at all. You are looking forward to what will be yours. So, stop feeling ashamed for your God given desires. Frankly it would be cause for concern if you weren't dreaming of sex with him.
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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby lookin2Him » Fri Feb 06, 2015 11:59 am

It is good that you are looking forward to being intimate with your FH, but if you are still 1 1/2 years away from your wedding date, be careful not to dwell on it too much. That is a long time to be focused on what is meant for marriage. (some may not agree, but my 2 cents) It is not that sex is gross or dirty or something to be ashamed of, but even the Song of Solomon repeats a number of times "do not awaken love before it's time". To much thought for to long a time may cause you to struggle.

Also, when you said you have anxiety because "FH is experienced and I am not", I think you need to let go of that anxiety. While he may know what sex with someone is like, he doesn't have experience with YOU! The relationship the two of you develop together is the real experience that matters. Every person is unique and the activities that you desire may not be the same as his past partner(s). And, you will mean more to him because he chose YOU to marry and commit to. He will have some baggage to overcome, whereas you don't (at least in regards to this specific situation). Be the best 'experience' he has ever had! Grow together. Learn together.

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby txtwindad » Fri Feb 06, 2015 12:22 pm

I didn't catch that it was a year and half until the wedding. Yikes, that's a long time. Why so long?
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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby Ladybug16 » Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:28 pm

Thanks so much for the encouragement, everyone. I really think my anxiety will go away when we're married. It's the mystery of it all that is disconcerting.

txtwindad wrote:I didn't catch that it was a year and half until the wedding. Yikes, that's a long time. Why so long?


Well, we are both graduate students (he's taking classes online and working full-time, I'm a full-time student). We've exhausted every possibility to get married this summer, but it's just not practical. Summer is too soon to plan a wedding and I don't know where I'll be living because I'm searching for an internship. I will be spending next fall in Europe. Next Spring is the middle of my thesis (not to mention hard to plan from halfway across the world). So we've settled on next summer.

partydelights wrote:But what I want to say now is, Why are you associating sex with shame? Is it because your FH is not a virgin? Has he repented? Have you forgiven him? IN YOUR EYES: To what degree has the Blood of Christ cleansed him?


Yes, he has repented. And I am still working on forgiving him. I am 99% of the way there, which is huge progress. I see that he loves me and wants me and that those other girls didn't and don't matter to him. But it nags me just a little if I dwell on it, and I am a little apprehensive that having sex in marriage will slightly reopen that wound.

Hmmm, I think I associate sex with shame because I am unmarried. Sex is off-limits for me, therefore dwelling on it is a near occasion of sin, I don't have a right to concern myself with it, and all I know and hear and experience about it is sexual immorality. And, as I mentioned, my own experience with porn (probably soft-core? I'm not even sure) has just reinforced the ugliness of unchastity. One does not hear about beautiful, marital sex because that's, appropriately, out of public eye and discussion. One just hears about all those wounded by immorality and sexual perversion. Finally, I don't think I've tried to remind myself of how wonderful sex will be in marriage, because I hear that it's not so great for a while and I don't want to build up my expectations.

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby AverageJoe » Mon Feb 09, 2015 7:49 am

As a man, I can tell you it will be very difficult for him to stay focused & pure for 18 months. If he has already experienced sex, unfortunately the sexual urge will only grow stronger. Honestly, you are asking a lot of him to wait that long. I'm in no way condoning or justifying the idea of him sinning again. But, I think there are a few questions you may need to ask yourself to help you see his perspective:

How will you react if he "falls off the wagon"?
In the long term big picture, what is more important to you, your future husband, or your future degree?
If the answer to #2 is your future husband, are you willing to put your plans on hold to help him (Gen 2:20) not to potentially sin again?

I know these may be tough questions... But they are real, "right down to where we live" type questions. Paul makes the answer quite clear: 1 Cor 7:8 I speak now to those who are not married. I also speak to widows. It is good for you to stay single like me. 9 But if you can’t control yourselves, you should get married. It is better to get married than to burn with desire.

The last question is: Does he (as Paul writes) "burn" with desire? In the natural world when something burns, it is eventually consumed. It either burns out, or it is quenched. If he is secretly "quenching" his desires, it could cause major problems after you are married. He will unknowingly train himself to seek unGodly ways to quench those desires. And even worse, he could be conditioning himself to desire things other than the woman that will one day be his wife. Which could carry over into marriage. If he is staying steadfast, as a man, I can guarantee the next 18 months will be quite difficult for him. Maybe you should talk with him to get his perspective.

I'm sorry if this seems a bit harsh. It's not intended to be that way. I hope it helps... God bless you both

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby txtwindad » Mon Feb 09, 2015 9:09 am

AverageJoe wrote: If he is secretly "quenching" his desires, it could cause major problems after you are married. He will unknowingly train himself to seek unGodly ways to quench those desires. And even worse, he could be conditioning himself to desire things other than the woman that will one day be his wife. Which could carry over into marriage. If he is staying steadfast, as a man, I can guarantee the next 18 months will be quite difficult for him. Maybe you should talk with him to get his perspective.


I agree that 18 months is a long time, AverageJoe. But... Do I take it by this statement that you believe masturbation to be sinful?
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Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby AverageJoe » Mon Feb 09, 2015 10:51 am

txtwindad wrote:I agree that 18 months is a long time, AverageJoe. But... Do I take it by this statement that you believe masturbation to be sinful?


Actually, I wasn't speaking of MB. But, to answer your question, I do not think MB is a sin. I do however think the lust that can accompany it is sinful. The "burning desire" that Paul wrote about may very well mean lust toward the future spouse, or toward someone else.

That being said... What I was referring to was "those other girls" in LadyBug16's second post. It is written as a plural. If there are multiple girls, or multiple times that this kind of sin has happened, it looks like a potential ongoing problem... or a pattern. Paul says in V9: But if you can’t control yourselves, you should get married.

I hope that clarifies :D

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby Ladybug16 » Mon Feb 09, 2015 8:04 pm

AverageJoe wrote:As a man, I can tell you it will be very difficult for him to stay focused & pure for 18 months. If he has already experienced sex, unfortunately the sexual urge will only grow stronger. Honestly, you are asking a lot of him to wait that long. I'm in no way condoning or justifying the idea of him sinning again. But, I think there are a few questions you may need to ask yourself to help you see his perspective:

How will you react if he "falls off the wagon"?
In the long term big picture, what is more important to you, your future husband, or your future degree?
If the answer to #2 is your future husband, are you willing to put your plans on hold to help him (Gen 2:20) not to potentially sin again?


Thanks for the input!

I showed this post to my fiance, and he and I were both a little perplexed what you mean by "falls off the wagon", especially since you clarified that it's not masturbation? He's been celibate for over four years and, yes, if he cheated on me, I would react very strongly. "Those other girls" were a couple of girlfriends he had in the past, prior to his conversion. He also masturbated chronically before he converted, but he and I both agree that masturbation is sinful, and he quit cold turkey the day he was baptized. (Praise God!) While I don't want to underemphasize the strength it takes to remain chaste, he tells me that not giving in to his passions makes it easier to control himself.

Also, to answer your question, of course my FH is more important than my degree! However, we've both determined that it is prudent to finish school. We both made the decision to get married next summer. Purity has good days and bad days, but we take it one day at a time and we have been really good so far. I brought up your concerns with him, and he doesn't see anything to worry about. We try not to dwell on the length, and we look forward to 'quenching' our fire in our marriage! :)

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby sd595 » Mon Feb 09, 2015 9:35 pm

Welcome to TMB Ladybug16. I've got a few thoughts that I hope are helpful for you.

Ladybug16 wrote:However, I would like a more Christian focus on authentic sexual attitudes.


First, there is no better place to find truth than in scripture, but if you start reading here a lot I think you will also get what you seek.

Ladybug16 wrote:And I don't know how it's possible to associate sex with shame and then suddenly for it to be good and wholesome.


Try to reframe this thinking. Sex is good. God designed it. It is His idea! There is nothing shameful about our bodies or sex. There is misusing this gift in a sinful way, but that does not mean that sex in and of itself is not good.
Get out your bible and see what He says. Pray to Him right now and ask Him for His wisdom in the matter. He will not fail you if you put your faith and trust in Him.

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby AverageJoe » Mon Feb 09, 2015 9:41 pm

Congrats to you both Ladybug! Sometimes the more difficult the questions, the more honest the answer that follows. I am very glad to hear he is steadfast in his beliefs, and that the two of you can talk about these things. I guarantee when the day comes that you and your new husband become one, the wait, and the difficulty surrounding it will be worth it.

Take the time you have in the next 18 months to pray for him, and for yourself. Ask God to ease whatever fears you may have concerning your wedding night.

I'm glad for you both :D

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Re: Authentic Christian Sexual Attitudes

Postby God's Geek » Tue Feb 10, 2015 9:04 am

Ladybug16,

There is a thread in the "Sexual Limits" Forum titled Long Engagement that you may want to look over.

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