Shower together first?

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
Tallis
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Shower together first?

Postby Tallis » Wed Apr 01, 2015 5:48 pm

Hi all!

This is my first post.

I'm getting married soon, and me and my FW had discussed this a while back, but haven't revisited it. When we get into our hotel room, we talked about taking a shower together as a way to get to know each other's bodies AND to get squeaky clean before sex. But I was thinking that if she wants to wear lingerie for me when we first undress, will she be able to have it under the wedding dress? It might disappoint her (and me), if she doesn't have on what she wants, at the most important moment (undressing for the first time).

OR, what about taking showers separately, then she can get changed into her lingerie, then the action begins?

What are people's experiences with this? Thanks!

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Apr 01, 2015 6:47 pm

My husband wanted to shower together right away, but I really needed a time to just be alone, to rejuvenate a little from the whole wedding/reception/people thing, and to prepare myself for him. I needed the time to basically have a gear shift from surviving the day with lots of people, to enjoying the night with him. I also liked the fact that I could be clean and "present" myself in some lingerie that he had not seen. I am an introvert. :D

I think this is something that really is going to depend on her and her personality, so talk to her again about her expectations. If you decide on separate showers, I would suggest you take yours first, and then allow her to take hers, that way you are both ready to "move on" when you see her and you don't have to put things on hold so you can clean up.
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Re: Shower together first?

Postby Romantic Husband » Wed Apr 01, 2015 6:55 pm

First, congratulations on your marriage! May God richly bless the two of you. Of course, there is no right or wrong way, just the best way for a particular couple. Wearing lingerie under the wedding dress doesn't seem very practical to me, and she'll likely want to freshen up before you two come together. I think showering is a good idea, both to get clean and to relax before the big moment. I suggest you go first.

I can tell you that in our case, we showered separately the first night. My DW and I were both very shy about our bodies, and I let her make the decision. We showered and dressed separately, then met in bed. Although I got to see her in her sexy lingerie she purchased for the occasion, she was so shy that she had me turn off the lights and we undressed each other under the covers in the dark. We actually made love twice that night without ever actually seeing each other!

The next morning was altogether different - we became comfortable being naked around each other right away, even though we were each other's first.

Enjoy and cherish this time. Trust me, it's like no other time in your lives.
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Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby poetess » Wed Apr 01, 2015 7:16 pm

Whether or not lingerie works under the wedding dress depends on the lingerie and the dress. For me, I found out it wouldn't work--it was going to show through, not badly but a little bit. I handled that by wearing something else under the dress during the wedding and then changing into wedding night lingerie and getting back into the wedding dress before going out to leave with my groom. I figured if people saw me crossing a parking lot at dusk, they weren't going to be able to see enough details to see that the "lines" of the lingerie showed a little bit. I would think that some bridal lingerie has to be made with discreet lines on purpose, to fit under a dress, but really it depends what type of lingerie she wants.

We both wanted to shower together. People's experience differs, but I had spent way too much time as a single woman to want to take my first shower as a married woman by myself!

I expected to be self-conscious being seen naked (I don't have poor body-image, but I am modest), but I wasn't at all. People differ. Talk it over with her.
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Re: Shower together first?

Postby YoungSouthernWife » Wed Apr 01, 2015 7:37 pm

I agree with SeekingChange that it will depend on her and her personality. It's a good idea to talk with your FW about what she's comfortable with and what she has planned.

I wore sexy white lingerie under my wedding dress. We left the reception without changing clothes because we stayed at a local hotel before flying to our honeymoon destination. When we got to our hotel room, he undressed me (with some frustration trying to get my dress unbuttoned lol) and saw me in my bridal lingerie before we showered together. We talked about it before our wedding night so I knew what to expect. I remember being extremely nervous but seeing his reactions as he undressed me is something very special that I will never forget.

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby alaska bob » Thu Apr 02, 2015 2:32 pm

we allowed for separate "getting ready for bed" time. I went first (took five minutes), and then let her have the bathroom for the next hour to bathe, change, unwind - to be honest, I'm not really sure what she was doing in there. We figured we had a lifetime to shower together, and i also figured it would be hard to stop things from progressing once we got in the shower together.

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby Romantic Husband » Thu Apr 02, 2015 2:44 pm

alaska bob wrote:we allowed for separate "getting ready for bed" time. I went first (took five minutes), and then let her have the bathroom for the next hour to bathe, change, unwind - to be honest, I'm not really sure what she was doing in there.


LOL, sounds exactly like our experience, except I may have taken 3 minutes.
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Re: Shower together first?

Postby gas3987 » Fri Apr 03, 2015 4:06 am

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Honestly, you will want to communicate with your FW on this, and decide somewhat ahead of time what you will do.

Your first night as husband and wife will be amazing, but it will not be the best by any means either. Think of it as the beginning of an amazing adventure together.

That being said, we had a hotel room with a nice shower and jacuzzi. We showered separately, my wife presented herself in some beautiful lengerie, and we slowly worked our way to the jacuzzi and eventually the bed. It was actually a very calm night but VERY intimate and loving.

Think of this, too, which my now brother in law told me before my wedding. Your first night together will be like going to Nascar together. Mentally, you are on the track in a car going 180 mph. She is still in your personal car in the parking lot hesitant to step out. Remember that, and show her some big love by going at her pace no matter what.

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby Job29Man » Fri Apr 03, 2015 5:19 am

gas3987 wrote:...show her some big love by going at her pace no matter what.


This. You'll have the rest of your life to influence the pace or presentation. On the wedding night (this sounds really sexist, but... ) it's really important to give her the greatest level of comfort and that includes how she wants to present herself to you. Let her figure it out, and go with what her preference is. Your wedding is not till September. Personally I think I'd tell her you'll be happy with however she wants to reveal herself, then I'd move on to other things, and wouldn't bring it up again till September.

Better questions at this point would be...

-- Have you agreed on the model of marriage you want?
-- Have you agreed about children?
-- Have you agreed about church?
-- Have you discussed about conflict resolution?
-- How will you interact with parents?
-- Have you both agreed on the meaning and application of 1 Cor 7:1-9 in your lives and marriage?
-- Do you have an agreement about going to a counselor if/when ONE (not both but just one) of you thinks that a counselor is necessary, for the OTHER spouse, or together?

Focus on these things first.

Lingerie, shower? Whatever she wants.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby Marriedfire » Fri Apr 03, 2015 6:50 am

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with Job. A man deserves to go through his rite of passage just the same as a wife and part of that is the undressing and presentation of his new bride. If he desires for her to wear something that presents herself as a sexual object, than he can and should request it. If she's nervous about presenting her body to him, then he needs to reassure her of why this is acceptable and be supportive.

Now the wrinkle is there may be logistics to work out. If her dress doesn't make it practical to wear something sexy, then that might be something you have to suggest for the next day. Or allow her to change first.

Ultimately you have to decide what is important to you and what you are willing to compromise on. If your vision is undressing your bride to a hot ensemble, and you'll be dissapointed otherwise in a major way, you will need to seek a solution.

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby SeekingChange » Fri Apr 03, 2015 7:27 am

As a wife, whose husband pushed in the beginning and it did great damage in the long run, and he now says if he could change one thing, it would be the way he handled our first night.... I am in total support of Jobs words.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby poetess » Fri Apr 03, 2015 7:33 am

Married Fire,

It seems better to stay away from the word "deserves." Neither party deserves to get married; marriage is a gift of God that none of us deserves. And once we start talking about what we deserve, it's just a short step to stomping our foot and demanding our "right" to it. That's a pretty good recipe for disaster in marriage, and in the marriage bed . . . especially that first night.

A wedding night can be a little scary for a virgin bride. She has clothed herself in modesty; now it's time to unclothe. She will be penetrated by a body part she has never seen before, and it may hurt.

A husband is told to "live with his wife in an understanding way," and how he does that on the wedding night can make a huge difference in her respect and trust for him. I know it did for me--how he talked about it ahead of time, how he listened to what I wanted, and how he treated me that night. I doubled my love and respect for him that night because of his great tenderness. (And Seeking Change just posted and reinforced that from the other direction.)

On the wedding night, the bride is giving herself to her husband, surrendering to him. He is not taking her and pushing her, or he should not be. As a woman, I would not have said what Job said; it would have felt selfish as a demand. But as a woman I resonated with what Job said, because I know (from experience) how much a man's ability to put his wife's comfort above everything else on that night sets the tone for everything.

That doesn't mean that a husband can't state some things he likes or would like. My husband told me before we married, for example, a general idea of some clothing choices he likes, and he told me that "lights on" is good. (He had been married and knew from experience what he likes.) I had a few months to shop and a few months to prepare mentally. But if I had not been ready for one aspect of that (let's say lights on) on our wedding night, then it would have been wisdom for him to understand that. So sure, say, "I would really love to shower together on our wedding night; I think it would be hot." But also add, "But whatever we do that night is going to be lovely, and if you'd rather wait till later in the week to shower together, that will be great too." And if she says, "Showering together on our wedding night does sound wonderful" but when the time comes, she says, "I feel just a little queasy, and I need to shower alone and pull myself together," then he needs to respect that.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby 2pack » Fri Apr 03, 2015 7:47 am

SeekingChange wrote:As a wife, whose husband pushed in the beginning and it did great damage in the long run, and he now says if he could change one thing, it would be the way he handled our first night.... I am in total support of Jobs words.


As a husband who unwittingly pushed in the beginning and did a lot of unintentional damage in the long run, I would attest to SC and Job's words as well.


This link is a great read, my favorite line "the soul of a woman needs to feel a deep safeness before you ever touch the skin of a woman."
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/09/ ... d-told-me/
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Re: Shower together first?

Postby Marriedfire » Fri Apr 03, 2015 9:26 am

Well again I'm going to be a dissenter and say that I did not push or express my wishes well enough in the beginning and it nearly destroyed my marriage. It created a pattern in our sex life that was horrific. So I think it works both ways.

The truth is we don't know how much of a compromise it is for her to wear lingerie anyway, it might not be a big deal. It also may not be a big deal to him.

I do think both parties deserve for the other to give them the best wedding night they can provide. That will probably be a compromise, but I don't think it's all about the man compromising.

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby Marriedfire » Fri Apr 03, 2015 9:43 am

"the soul of a woman needs to feel a deep safeness before you ever touch the skin of a woman."

I agree, but that's why you have a marriage ceremony where you publicly declare your devotion and lifelong fidelity.

It may not hold much water in culture, but for those who are dedicated to honesty and faith, those words should be incredibly powerful.

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby poetess » Fri Apr 03, 2015 10:09 am

Married Fire, there is a huge difference between expressing desire and pushing. There might be a time for "pushing." But that time is not on the wedding night.

If you marry a woman with low desire and you push, you might well drive her away. Now, if she flees prior to the wedding because of your pushing, you might well have been spared some pain later. But pushing might well drive away the high-desire wife, too. The wedding day is a day for wooing, not for "this is my right, and I insist on it." There's time later for hard conversations if a wife pretended to be generous but in fact she is not. The wedding night is not the time for such pushing. It's contrary to the way women are made.
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Re: Shower together first?

Postby Marriedfire » Fri Apr 03, 2015 12:06 pm

I'm a little confused as to why a husband expecting to view his wife in a flattering outfit is considered that aggressive. If she isn't ready to be viewed by him, why does she feel she is emotionally ready to begin a sexual relationship? Isn't that already a huge red flag? I'm not saying this is the situation, I am just speaking from what you said.

To me, I'm not sure what the difference is between a husband asking for a nice outfit , and the woman asking him to do a first dance in front of people if he's awkward about it. I think there is a lot of responsibility on both parties from the onset of marriage. Otherwise, how can you ensure she's going to warm up later?

I'm not sure what is so demanding here. Women may need to be warmed up, but she has months to mentally prepare for the fact that her body becomes his that night. He needs to respect her by not becoming selfish, but I don't see how a strong request for a nice outfit is selfish.

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Re: Shower together first?

Postby Job29Man » Fri Apr 03, 2015 12:17 pm

Yup. I would assume goodwill by the new Bride. This is not the time to "set the pattern" for anyone, Bride or Groom. It is a time to discover each other. There are special circumstances on the Honeymoon, especially the Wedding Night and first 3 days or so. Never again will the "Getting to know you" aspect be this intense, awe-inspiring, perhaps shocking (in a good way), and potentially intimidating. This is the only chance you will ever get to make this "first impression." The sensitivity (or lack thereof) shown there do set the tone for the rest of the marriage.

A Groom can rest in the knowledge that he can defer in almost all aspects to her tonight, and it will become much more "two-way" in future months.
He can go slowly and tenderly now, knowing that he will get his chance later to be very "active," even aggressive.
He can choose to not push for anything now knowing that he can "push" more at a later date, especially if problems of resistance or selfishness arise, or whatever.

It's not that the Wedding Night is "all about the Bride." No. It's not all about the Bride. But you'll get to see and smell the whole flower at your leisure eventually, so don't force the petals open tonight. The flower will open her petals at the right time and pace.

I don't believe that husbands who have experienced resistance in TMB over the years can blame it on the idea that they weren't insistent enough on their Wedding Night.
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Re: Shower together first?

Postby sd595 » Fri Apr 03, 2015 12:38 pm

Marriedfire wrote:I'm a little confused as to why a husband expecting to view his wife in a flattering outfit is considered that aggressive.


Me too.

I'm with Marriedfire on this. That first night is the beginning and why not start it out right. There is nothing wrong for a new husband to say, this is what I would like, nothing at all, and there is nothing wrong with a new wife aligning herself to his wishes. With that said, it is a time for patience on both sides while they get to know each other sexually.

I would not be ok for an hours wait while she takes her time in the shower, by time someone is finally married, there has been enough waiting already.
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Re: Shower together first?

Postby Marriedfire » Fri Apr 03, 2015 12:43 pm

I don't see how you can have it both ways.

Either, you set the tone or you don't. You say you can't blame patterns starting on the wedding night, but then say it's a man's job to set the tone. Either it's important or it's not. I say it is, for both parties, and I just don't see how one bending over backwards to accommodate the other is wise.

I don't think one can fully blame patterns or behavior on wedding night either, but it's a factor that goes both ways. And I would argue if it's forcing the flower for the wife to simply dress in a way that's flattering, that she's not ready for a sexual relationship.

I'm not advocating him come in expecting three session in a row with a karma sutra book. I don't even think she's under an obligation to do intercourse or other physical acts as there may be things to work through in that area ( physical limitations for example). I'm not even saying she can't trump his request, but I do think he has the right to make a strong request about how he views his bride the first time [mod edit] if he feels strong about it. And depending on her reaction, it would raise concern for me for sure. His mileage may vary.


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