Help! We messed up. Did we ruin our marriage?

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
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Help! We messed up. Did we ruin our marriage?

Postby bride2bee16 » Mon Sep 07, 2015 8:37 pm

Hey all! First post. Help? I'm engaged, and I'm scared! My guy is amazing, I'm totally attracted to him, but I never feel like I would want to have sex, even a little. I'm just freaked out by my lack of sexual desire, because I so badly want to have a great, healthy marriage and sex life with my love. I want to have hope that we haven't ruined our future sex life.

We have a bumpy past. Long story short, we've dated for two years and we *were* waiting for marriage. But we failed at that dramatically... we had sex a few times several months into our relationship after a lot of fooling around. We were live wires for each other. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and we really messed up brilliantly. Afterwards, we were devastated by our mistakes... I was pretty traumatized by how terribly I failed at purity and honoring God by waiting for marriage. He's the only one I've ever so much as kissed, and I was definitely planning to wait for marriage. We felt immense guilt for a long time, and we really had a LOT to work through in prayer and communication after this happened. However, it's been a while, and we have had much higher boundaries ever since that happened. We prayed about this separately and together, we have repented, and have made sure to never do anything again since (except short kisses).

The sex was absolutely terrible. It was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced, akin to a burning knife being put inside me. I mean crying and wanting to throw up level of pain. I am sure it would get better eventually; I've heard many friends and my mom say that it gets better and I'm sure it wouldn't have been so bad if it had been the right situation and I was more turned on.

But now (and for a long time since) I have zero sexual desire or interest. I mean there is NO temptation whatsoever. While I am very attracted to him, I just never feel "turned on," but I think I should feel like I COULD get turned on since we are engaged. Do you think there is the potential for this to change? Am I overthinking all this, or have I ruined my relationship? Or should I not worry about it... Maybe I will start to feel a desire after we are married? I'm scared to death that now I am "broken" by my sexual mistakes. My fiancé has signed us up to go to counseling. Do you have any wisdom for us?
"No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant. Take Peace. The gloom of the world is but a shadow; behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. Take Joy. (Fra Giovanni)

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Re: Help! We messed up. Did we ruin our marriage?

Postby Wolfy » Mon Sep 07, 2015 9:54 pm

Hi there! Welcome to TMB and congrats on your upcoming wedding! I hope you find the wisdom and guidance you're looking for, here.

I wanted to start off by saying you're not alone. Sexual sin is forgivable and it sounds like you have repented, put boundaries into place, and are doing the right thing by starting counseling with your fiance. I pray you find healing from the trauma your feelings and the sex itself has given you. Starting with prayer and communication were definitely a step in the right direction, and I am glad to see you (both) are seeking help! You've come to the right place.

My husband and I also struggled sexually prior to marriage - never to the point of intercourse, but I'll admit I was the one to try and cross that line several times. Like you, my hubby was the only one I'd ever so much as kissed. However, he was not a virgin, and I am so proud of him for his strength back then!

If I'm reading your words correctly, you dealt with a lack of lubrication when you had sex? Going into marriage, engaged couples here are often given some basic, solid advice. Though it sounds like you might have been told this since your experiences (from mom and friends?), I'll reiterate it here.

On your wedding night:
- Go slow and take it at your (the bride's) pace
-- Allow the time spent in foreplay to get the spark of arousal going so you start producing natural lubricant
- Have lube available in case your natural lubrication is not enough
- LOTS of foreplay. Do not proceed until you feel comfortable to do so

(As a sidenote: I proofread this to my husband and he brought up some good points that I felt I should add: Take the expectation off intercourse on your wedding night. If it happens, it happens. If it happens, have fun with it. In the very least, try to sleep together nude.
Take time to allow for healing.)

You've already had sex, and it sounds like you know how it feels if the above does not happen (friction, burning, urge to throw up, etc.) It's not pleasant, I certainly agree with you there. Been there, done that. :(

It's also something I've seen around here: that a lot of women don't experience arousal until they're in the moment. Typically when foreplay has already begun. This can, of course, be taken slow, too. Light kisses turned passionate kisses, touching, etc. I find myself best aroused when I feel loved on and we take our time.

Rest assured your marriage is not doomed due to sin. We all struggle and fall sometimes. I am a recovering porn addict, and I had an incident a few months ago where I backslid and my husband gave me a ton of grace and forgiveness. How much more our Heavenly Father gives to us in our weakness! His grace is sufficient.

I definitely think there is potential for change. You are not broken. Your sex drive can return. As I mentioned above, it is often normal for a woman to start getting into it after things have already gotten going! I overthink things a LOT (again, you are not alone), but I think you're probably over thinking this. Everything is going to be okay! :)

Grace and peace to you,
Standing beside Kuma, my beloved bear and husband! (:

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Re: Help! We messed up. Did we ruin our marriage?

Postby sue244 » Mon Sep 07, 2015 10:07 pm

No its not doomed, it will just take work like all marriages do.
I would suggest going to a GYN and getting checked out, since it was so painful. See if you can prevent further problems. What you described reminded me of the unvailed wife story. (Google her blog as she has a lot of info about painful sex)

Also I would second that a lot of women don't feel turned on until they are in the middle of foreplay. I am like that sometimes, but since we are a yes by default couple it has not caused any problems. Also knowing that it will come makes it easier to say yes even if I'm not feeling it at the moment.

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Re: Help! We messed up. Did we ruin our marriage?

Postby C_Brown » Tue Sep 08, 2015 9:09 am

sue244 wrote:I would suggest going to a GYN and getting checked out, since it was so painful.

Yes, do that. If my wife had done that rather than just put up with the discomfort it would have made the early years of our marriage so much better. Also be sure to use a lube of some kind.

And your marriage is not ruined, God is not vindictive and unforgiving, he loves you and wants the two of you to be happy. Repentance brings forgiveness and healing.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

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Re: Help! We messed up. Did we ruin our marriage?

Postby MayDayGirl » Tue Sep 08, 2015 9:51 am

I concur that you should get checked by an ob/gyn to rule out any physical issues. However, the fact that you currently have no sexual desire is concerning. If you feel that traumatized by the whole thing, is it possible that the pain and nausea were brought on by the intense guilt you were feeling in the moment? And that has carried over to your lack of sexual interest now? You may want to seek personal counseling and make sure that your pastor is aware of these feelings you have during premarital counseling.

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Re: Help! We messed up. Did we ruin our marriage?

Postby southerngent » Tue Sep 08, 2015 9:58 am

Another possible issue.

If you HAVE been communicating with a GYN (and maybe not as much as you should have on the pain issue) and have started chemical contraceptives (pills, implants, whatever) then THAT will knock the physical side of desire down tremendously.

Assuming not as to above, then yes the last poster has a point. It would be a typical for a youngish woman not to feel the physical part of desire when she is near ovulation. So, you may in fact have guilt overwhelming your body.

Everybody you knows sins almost every day. You are showing repentance.

A great reference with great specifics on how to approach the wedding night is Kevin Leman's "Sheet Music."

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Re: Help! We messed up. Did we ruin our marriage?

Postby FoxluvsBunny » Tue Sep 08, 2015 12:00 pm

So many people here have already given you awesome advice. I'm sure you didn't ruin your marriage. All marriages take communication and work. Having premarital sex in itself doesn't make or break a marriage. It's just not pleasing to the Lord, but there is grace, and your marriage isn't doomed. The Lord has forgiven your mistake and I believe can restore this part of your relationship.

My husband and I, too struggled w/ sexual sin before we were married. We never had intercourse, but did everything but that... pretty much trying to fool ourselves that it was ok since we were technically virgins, but we knew it wasn't... we would try to stop and repent and then fall back into it again and would feel that guilt. I too wondered if we had ruined our marriage. Now that we are married, that past, i'd say, plays not much of a part in our marriage or sex life. We know we are forgiven. We have some struggles, but they are not, in my opinion, a punishment for our sexual sin, and I believe we would have them even if we hadn't sinned. Our sex life is ok. We have some struggles, and we have good and less good sex. My desire is more ebb and flow now, and my desire is less than before we were married. I'd say our both are. But my point it... we are figuring things out, and i don't think what we did ruined our marriage. We sinned against God and did not do His will, yes, but our marriage isn't doomed to failure.

I have a few things to say to you. I agree that counseling is good. I think you have tied up alot of negative emotions into your sexuality and need to let go of this to enjoy sex w/ your future husband as a gift from God. It is good! God can restore it with His Grace. He wants you to enjoy sex (after you are married). He made it! It is normal, as someone said, for some women to need foreplay to get aroused so this might be the case for you. I second about the hormonal BC... i have heard WAY too many stories of women who were on it and then went off as they just never wanted or even were repulsed by sex, and then it reversed when they went off. Something to consider.

Anyhow... i believe it will be ok :) Blessings to you both as you prepare for marriage!!!!!

oh and ps: the burning... i really really think that this will resolve when you are ready to have sex and are properly in the mood and warmed up. You need proper lube and to be aroused for it to feel good. We have been married almost 4 months, and there are times when i'm not aroused enough that it burns and i'm almost wishing for it to be over. There are other times when i'm aroused and we've had enough foreplay (crucial) and sometimes a bit of extra lube (coconut oil is the best!!!), that it feels like the most amazing thing in the world... I don't think there is anything wrong with you... i think you just need lots of foreplay and lube... and to feel good about what you are doing (after you are married of course)! I think the wall that you have up right now to keep yourselves from doing this again, might be keeping you from allowing yourself to feel aroused. I think you might find it resolves after you are married :)
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Re: Help! We messed up. Did we ruin our marriage?

Postby bride2bee16 » Fri Sep 11, 2015 10:28 am

Thanks everyone for your kind advice and encouragement. It means a lot to me! I'm very glad we'll be getting counseling together... I did get a gynecological exam after this happened, and the gynecologist gave my downstairs a thumbs up :oops: and said physically there are no issues--and gave me a long talk about how where my head is profoundly affects my experience of sex. I now feel like it must have been a combination of where I was mentally ("OMG GUILT! BYE VIRGINITY!"), no lubrication, and little to no foreplay that made it so excruciatingly painful. I was kinda ticked that fiance was all, "zomg that was spectacular!" because it seemed QUITE unfair! Hahahaha It was both at the WRONG time AND it was a far cry from the romantic, perfect night I'd envisioned losing my virginity. Hello attitude adjustment! I asked him [later], "Are you sure we should get married? The sex was bad!" Thank goodness he is very patient with all my questions! He said, "Yes, silly! Marriage is not about sex! But we will have so many years to practice!"

We are not planning to use hormonal bc in our marriage, at least in the beginning, so I'm certain that's not the issue. Thanks again for the recommendations and reassurances... Time to lay the guilt to rest, forgive myself (knowing I'm forgiven by God), and move forward without worrying about it anymore. I trust that I have a God who cares personally for us and gives us great grace when we stumble and fall, and a fan-freaking-tastic future husband who really loves me and is marrying me for better and/or for worse. Whew!
"No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant. Take Peace. The gloom of the world is but a shadow; behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. Take Joy. (Fra Giovanni)

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Re: Help! We messed up. Did we ruin our marriage?

Postby Kilarin » Fri Sep 11, 2015 6:49 pm

I think you are scared of sex right now for a very simple reason. Your first experiences with it are associated with guilt and pain. So, DUH! You have a very expected negative reaction to that.

My advice for the solution will line up pretty closely with what others have advised I think.

1: On the honey moon night, PRAY first. This is NOT some illicit fornication you are about to get in to, it is God Blessed Married Sex. Remind yourself of that by asking God's blessing before entering into the holiness of the marriage bed.

2: The two of you need to retrain you from being afraid of sex because it might hurt into looking forward to how good it feels to share intimacy with your husband. I know what I am going to suggest here may sound a bit odd, but I think you should sit down with your husband long before the honey moon and get his buy in on the idea that you will NOT start out with penis in vagina intercourse. Now, your husbands first reaction to this suggestion may be "Say WHAT!?!", but once you explain to him the things you are GOING to do first, I suspect he will switch from being upset into being very enthusiastic about this plan. :)

You are scared of having his penis inside you, and your husband needs some practice at foreplay. SO, to start with, don't put tab A into slot B. Touch each other, kiss each other, and learn how to please each others bodies in every way you can think of short of intercourse.

Start with non-genital play. You must spend a lot of time all over each others bodies, but not on the genitals. Get him to spend lots of time on your breasts, give him a naked back rub. After you have spent enough time at that to get each other to the point where you just can't stand it any more, bring each other to orgasm with your hands. Have your husband touch your clitoris and vulva, but don't do any inserting of fingers yet. If your husband says that orgasms by hand before, tell him that he's never had an orgasm from YOUR hands before, and emphasize how much you want to do it, and want to watch his reactions, and I bet he will suddenly be very excited about the idea.

Then start all over again, but this time, at the grand finale, bring each other to orgasm with your mouths. Perhaps try having your husband play at putting a finger inside you during this stage.

Now then, none of the above should hurt, and all of it should be very pleasurable. And you will probably be feeling a lot more mellow about sex at this point. If you feel you are ready, move on to intercourse during your next play session. If you still aren't quite ready yet, try some intramammary (between the breasts) intercourse and more exploring with your husbands fingers inside of you.

But don't put off the intercourse attempt too long. It's like riding a horse, you can work up to it, but you need to get back on! And when you do, make certain your husband spends a LOT of time getting you very aroused first. You should be very worked up before the first attempt. And use some lube ANYWAY. And go SLOW.

My suspicion is, after the long long workup and wait, you will find you are not only ready for intercourse, but thoroughly enjoy it.

The above "honey moon plan" is just a suggestion to give the general idea, not a blueprint that has to be followed. Figure out what works for the two of you and what you both enjoy. But take your time, and relax.

Sex is play for married grownups, have FUN!

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