Concerned about ED on Wedding Night...

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
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Concerned about ED on Wedding Night...

Postby GoateeGuy » Mon Oct 02, 2017 8:23 pm

I am engaged, and we are getting married in about a month! We have a solid relationship, and we both are very strong Christians. We are both virgins, and we are excited to begin our sexual relationship together as God intended it to be within the bounds of marriage! We are proud of ourselves for not giving in to temptation and seeking God's design.

I am in my early 30s. Up until very recently, I was very excited about my wedding night. Now, instead of being excited, I'm worried/nervous. I'm concerned that I may not be able to perform and get an erection. Although I've never had sex, I have never had trouble getting aroused or getting an erection with masturbation (without porn). Now, I'm not sure that's the case. I tried to get an erection earlier today just to see if I could, and I couldn't! No matter how hard I tried, nothing happened. I may be wrong, but I'm thinking this is a mental thing more than physical.

Not only is this worrying me, but it's also kind of frustrating. We've waited years for this special time, and now I'm not sure if I can perform. I really don't want to let my FW down or disappoint her. Worst of all, I don't want her to think this is all her fault somehow!

What should I do? Obviously, I've never been in this boat before. Should I just try not to worry about it? Would planning to abstain until the big day fix things? (I was already planning to, but was wondering if this would also help matters.) Any advice?

I'm thankful I found this website so I can get advice from my fellow brothers (and sisters) in Christ. Thanks in advance!

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Re: Concerned about ED on Wedding Night...

Postby Job29Man » Tue Oct 03, 2017 4:11 am


Welcome to TMB. As to the question? Chill bro. It's nerves. It'll go away. A healthy young guy, who doesn't do porn, doesn't have normal erections all his life, and then suddenly "get ED" a month before his wedding. It'll all be good.

Meanwhile check out the Engaged Section, Wedding Night Advice to Grooms.

Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Concerned about ED on Wedding Night...

Postby HubZ » Tue Oct 03, 2017 4:25 am


Welcome to the boards! And congratulations on the up-coming wedding!

While others who are wiser can speak more wisdom, I would say that your anxiety is probably causing this. And, personally, I think your anxiety is a little deeper than just being concerned about ED. I've struggled (and sometimes continue to struggle) with some performance issues, myself. This has caused a cycle, as anxiety can actually cause these issues. (So, as an example, ED causes anxiety, which causes more ED, which causes more anxiety, etc.) My breakthrough came when I realized that my anxiety was all wrapped up in the fear of not being a good lover for my wife and disappointing her. Ironically, my wife wasn't all that disappointed or upset, so in my case it was my fear lying to me. Someone told me to stop worrying about being a good lover and, instead, focus on the pleasure/sensations of that moment, how good everything felt, and most importantly the intimacy that the moment brings with your spouse. And, again, this has help significantly.

So, my two cents would be more than just to stop worrying about ED and about being a disappointment. Instead, (when the time comes) focus on the pleasure in the moment and the intimacy that sex brings to your marriage.

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Re: Concerned about ED on Wedding Night...

Postby ledgemoor » Tue Oct 03, 2017 5:42 am

Welcome and congratulations!

It's probably nothing. ED in a healthy guy your age is rare, but not impossible. We can explore this a little deeper and hopefully put your mind at ease.

When you were unable to get an erection, how long had it been since your last ejaculation? How often do you normally ejaculate? Do you always awake with a good erection? Are you overweight? Do you smoke? Are you generally healthy?

Were you anxious about ED to begin with and is that why you tried to get an erection? If so, why were you concerned about ED? Premature ejaculation is a more common concern and very real possibility for new husbands.

Does your fiancee know about this, and if so, what is her reaction?

Would planning to abstain until the big day fix things? (I was already planning to, but was wondering if this would also help matters.)

Abstain from masturbating? For a month, not a good idea at all. If you are normal, you should be very uncomfortable after only a few days' buildup.

Have you been able to get an erection and masturbate since? Give it another day. If it turns out to be one-time thing, I wouldn't worry about it.

If there are signs of medical trouble, this can be addressed. However, getting a doctor's appointment and all the labs that will be needed in a month would be tough. However, you could easily order a testosterone test on your own ( or Hopefully it will come back normal, giving you one less thing to worry about. (Normal testosterone levels are no guarantee that there will be no ED, but it is a good indicator). If it comes back lowish, then you can plan to get treatment or make lifestyle changes.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Concerned about ED on Wedding Night...

Postby GoateeGuy » Tue Oct 03, 2017 10:52 am

Thanks for the welcome everyone!

I agree that my anxiety is probably causing this. I think this concern is at least partially centered on the worry that I will not be a good lover in bed. I don't want to disappoint my bride. I can see this being a repeating cycle or even a self-fulfilling prophecy. I appreciated what you shared. I think I need to not put my performance on a pedestal, but instead just relax and focus on the intimacy that will take place between the both of us once we're married.

Yes, I was anxious about ED before I tried getting one yesterday. It's like I was worried about it and then it didn't happen. I often still have erections in my sleep and often awake with one. Before yesterday, it has been a week since I last ejaculated. On average, I ejaculate about every 7-14 days. I have the urge to ejaculate more frequently, but I choose to wait 7-14 days until things are unbearable to handle matters. I was planning to abstain a month before just to build more intensity and desire leading up to the wedding.

I am not a smoker, and I am not overweight. I occasionally drink...maybe 1-2 times a month. Overall, I'm in good health.

With that being said, I am leaning toward the conclusion that this is more of a mental/anxiety issue than a physical health issue. As Job29Man said, I think it just need to relax and not worry so much.

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Re: Concerned about ED on Wedding Night...

Postby jude700 » Mon Oct 09, 2017 9:52 pm

Guy, there is much difference between MB & PIV, and MB can give a false feeling. The feelings are very different and real initial PIV can be a let-down.

There will be many times in marriage when it may be impossible to have intercourse. Two, NO THREE, of my four sisters are widows. They are all younger than me. My oldest and youngest sisters were denied intercourse during the last years of marriage due to disabilities. The last ten years have been a time of abstinence for me due to some counseling given to my wife. Now DW is suffering from COPD and is on high level Oxygen, the last few years her weight has gone from 120 to less than 70 pounds.

Many couples are separated for for long periods of time. God gives them strength in their times of need. The Lord's prayer asks God to lead us not into temptation, but to deliver us from evil.

Pray for your intended and ask that she pray for you.
He is risen!

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