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Sexual Purity/Conduct Commitment

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 6:28 pm
by Lion
Hello, everyone! ::hi

I first visited this site a few years back with one of my friends when he was about to get married. I made a mental footnote to return here when it came time for my own "I do," as there seemed to be a strong community and a lot of great advice! My fiancee and I are going to be married in mid-July and are currently going through pre-marital counseling sessions.

In short, we've both worked on putting this following commitment together. Several of the ideas came from a couple of the other posts here (thanks!). Anyway, we both just created accounts on this site and are hoping to get some feedback on our statement. Neither of us have been married before or have any sexual experience, so we would be blessed to consider any ideas presented. :D

In preparation for our life together, we seek to lay the following foundation of a marriage marked by Christlikeness. Primarily, we aim to serve and glorify God in all aspects of our marriage and individuality. In accordance with His Word, it is our desire to pursue purity in all things. This includes sex. As seen in 1 Corinthians 6, we know the expression of human sexuality is not merely physical, but also spiritual. As such, it is imperative that we treat it with reverence and care. Sex is a way of loving one another, worshiping our Creator, and portraying the relationship between Christ and His Bride. The cultivation of a healthy and vibrant sexual relationship will not only help us grow in unity, but assist us in resisting temptation. We understand that we risk damaging our overall relationship when our intimacy is threatened or malnourished. To avoid this, we will proactively address conflict, confess sin, and flee temptation in accordance with the following ground rules:

1. We promise to always treat our marriage bed as sacred and holy.
2. We will pray with and for each other daily, including for our marriage and physical relationship.
3. We each acknowledge that we have authority over the other's body according to 1 Corinthians 7.
-This authority should only be used to increase intimacy, never decrease it.
4. We will keep all sexual relations within our marriage.
-We will give each other control over all aspects of our sexuality.
5. We will limit emotional relationships with members of the opposite sex.
-We will subject relationships with opposite sex friends to each other.
-We will honestly and openly communicate with each other if attractions to opposite sex friends, coworkers, etc. begin to develop.
6. We will always be cheerful and generous lovers.
7. We will ensure that our bedroom is always a safe, clean, and inviting place.
8. We will openly communicate our sexual desires to each other.
-We will be open and willing to explore these interests and desires.
9. We will not use sex or any intimate act as a bargaining tool.
-We will not use sex as a reward for "good" behavior.
-We will not withhold sex as a punishment for "bad" behavior or during an argument.
10. We will never lightly refuse sex or any other intimate act. We will always do our best to be available to the other.
-If there is a necessary refusal, we will plan for intimacy as soon as possible.
-We will not ask for sex when it would cause pain, injury, or anger. These times should be rare.
11. The one with less sexual desire will always try to please the one with greater desire in each season of life.
12. We will sleep in the same bed whenever possible.
-We will go to bed at the same time when feasible.
13. We will never go to sleep angry. We will always work out any conflict prior to bedtime.
14. I am not qualified to judge whether I am being a good husband or wife; only my spouse is qualified to make this judgment. If they tell me that I need to improve in any specific area, I will cheerfully make an effort to do so.
15. If one of one of us feels the need to receive counseling from a qualified Christian source, we will make every effort to do so in a timely fashion.
16. We will not speak poorly or complain about our spouse behind their back.
-We promise to never speak negatively to others about our sex life, except with one designated same-sex friend, mentor, and counselor for each of us.
17. We do not expect privacy from each other. We will provide open access to all forms of each other’s communication, including letters, e-mails, and on digital platforms.
-We will subject our internet and media usage to each other.
-We will not engage with pornography or other illicit content.
-We will subject our entertainment choices to each other.
18. We will both actively seek out and participate in accountability groups with Christlike, same-sex Christians.
19. Our marriage comes before the children in importance. We will not neglect each other's needs because we are too busy with the children's needs.
20. Divorce will never be brought up as an option. It will not be joked about or used as a threat.

Thank you!

Re: Sexual Purity/Conduct Commitment

Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2018 9:44 pm
by SeekingChange
Welcome and congratulations on your upcoming marriage! If you two came up with this together and are in agreement with it, you are way ahead of the vast majority of marriages! This definitely promotes a healthy and strong foundation for your marriage.

My only piece of advice is, be flexible. If there is something that needs to be tweaked or changed once you get in the thick of real married life, communicate about it and be open to the possibility of changes...for the betterment of your relationship.

Re: Sexual Purity/Conduct Commitment

Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2018 5:53 am
by Job29Man

This is brilliant! It will probably help you avoid or solve many issues throughout your marriage.

A question or two for your further studies, and discussions as you proceed towards marriage. Some are things that my wife, Sarah, and I found helpful to decide before marriage, others are things we added in later. I'm not saying you need to add these to your document, just saying "Hey you guys are really thinking things through here! Have you also thought these questions through? $.02"

1. Medical -- what if A thinks B needs to see a doctor, but B doesn't agree? Who is the final say on whether a doctor is consulted? And, may A insist on going into the medical appointment with B and have full right to all disclosures and discussions with the doctor, about your health? This is a real world issue that causes a lot of grief in some couples on TMB.
2. Conflict Resolution -- Same question as above. If B thinks that A needs to see a counselor, can B insist? And, do you have agreement about at what point either of you can go to the Elders or Pastor or whomever, for counsel about marriage problems?
3. Contraception -- Have you decided for or against Hormonal Birth Control? This is another huge problem in many marriages on TMB. HBC is at the root of more problems than one might think. FWIW there are a number of people here who recommend very strongly against using HBC, including me. It's a powderkeg.
4. Children -- Talk about how many and when. Talk about education, State Schools? Private, Parochial, Homeschool? Again, this causes big problems in marriages when two disagree. And what if one spouse wants to have another child, but the other spouse says they prefer not? How do you decide that? Childrearing: Stay at home Mom? Or what?
5. Money -- One regret I have is not having a solid commitment to a way to handle money, including saving and investments. Savings are really, really important. Many marriages undergo huge stress because of money problems. A lot of couples have a firm policy of a dollar amount that requires a mutual decision to be spent, like "Any purchase over $50, we both must agree on" or something like that.
6. Church -- Agreement on what kind of church, level of commitment and participation, etc
7. In Laws -- Agreement on what to do about problem in-laws. Another source of many big problems in many marriages I've counseled.

Again, your document is brilliant! This is wisdom. How old are you two anyway?

You guys are headed for success I'm sure. I'm not asking you to answer these things here, but with each other. All I'm saying is "You're on a great roll! Keep going!" :D

Re: Sexual Purity/Conduct Commitment

Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2018 8:58 am
by Lionness
Hello Job 29 Man and friends,
We (Lion & I) really appreciate your encouragement and the wisdom we can glean from this community. Thanks for the suggestions of topics to discuss; we always have room for growth. And, SeekingChange, we certainly plan to revisit this document and some other discussions once we get in the rhythm of life together and the rose-colored glasses of engagement are gone. Thank you for the reminder of reality.

We do have a few questions about non-hormonal birth control methods as we both agree that HBC is not the path we want to take unless absolutely necessary. At the same time, we are not wanting to get pregnant right away so we can get settled and enjoy some time together first (we currently live over 2,000 miles and three time-zones apart). Any input you all have on this topic, or suggestions of another board to read, are greatly appreciated.

I and my fiance are 22 and 25, respectively, and are incredibly thankful for the wisdom of mentors and friends who have gone before us. Thanks again for your contribution.

Proverbs 1:5 - "Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance."

Re: Sexual Purity/Conduct Commitment

Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2018 7:04 pm
by ledgemoor
Hi Guys--

I found these posts on diaphragms for birth control. Was going to PM them to you so as not to hijack your thread. But it won't let me PM you, so here they are. It's not too early to get that resolved. ... &p=1065183

Specific products not mentioned in this thread is the Caya diaphragm and FemCap. There are videos all over Youtube. Also, the Today sponge is available again.

Re: Sexual Purity/Conduct Commitment

Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2018 8:36 pm
by Lion
Thank you for the feedback, Job and SeekingChange!

Yes, we certainly intend to be flexible in our approach and hope to be able to add or make adjustments to this document in both the near and distant future.

Thank you for bringing up those topics, Job! We've spoken about most of them, but there are a few things there that haven't come up, so we're quite glad for the input! We are well aware that we can't figure out or discuss everything which could potentially come up in our marriage and life together, but we want to go ahead and start a dialog and plan to avoid or mitigate the most common struggles we might face.

ledgemoor wrote:Hi Guys--

I found these posts on diaphragms for birth control. Was going to PM them to you so as not to hijack your thread. But it won't let me PM you, so here they are. It's not too early to get that resolved. ... &p=1065183

Specific products not mentioned in this thread is the Caya diaphragm and FemCap. There are videos all over Youtube. Also, the Today sponge is available again.

Thank you, ledgemoor! We'll definitely take a look at that thread and talk over some of it!

Re: Sexual Purity/Conduct Commitment

Posted: Tue Apr 24, 2018 5:14 am
by Job29Man
Another question for you both to understand.

What do you know, really KNOW about each other's backgrounds? I'm not asking for answers here, but for you to understand yourselves.

Have you spent time with each others' families, both together as a couple, and separately when your beloved is gone elsewhere? How does your beloved treat his/her family? How do they treat your beloved? How does your beloved speak of family members and to family members? Same question in reverse?

What do you know about each others' history of friends? Have you met the old friends? Have you met any old employers? Have you met old acquaintances who do not love your beloved and can give an objective opinion about him/her? What do they have to say? Would old employers hire him/her again? Have you asked?

Is there a history of being a "victim"?

What is his/her experience in being loved or betrayed/abandoned by parents, friends, opposite sex?
Was there ANY sexual abuse? Do you know the details and names?
Are there any "trust issues" with anyone?

How good are you each at holding down a job and fulfilling commitments? How about a history of doing difficult things, staying with projects to the end? How do you know this? From your beloved or from third parties? It's good to get this from third parties.

Could you each describe the other person's life history to a stranger? (Not describe your beloved's personality, but describe his/her life history.)

Re: Sexual Purity/Conduct Commitment

Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2018 12:47 am
by Lion
Thank you, Job!

We were blessed to be close friends for a couple of years prior to dating, and have had some really good opportunities to discuss most of those topics without the pressure of needing to "look good" in front of each other. (We've actually found it a bit humorous as we've gone through some books on marriage only to find that we'd discussed most of the "couple topics" at length before we were even in a relationship.)

We've had a bit of a distance relationship (I finished a degree at college across the country right when we started dating), and haven't been able to spend as much time with future in-laws as either of us would prefer.

We are certainly excited to begin our lives together, and are thankful to have found what looks to be a really great community here! I saw that there hadn't been many posts in a while and wasn't sure how active things were, but we're both really thankful for the advice and encouragement we so quickly discovered. We'll be around as we become better informed as to what we should ask, and hopefully to provide some advice to others in the future. :D