emotional abuse - books for the abuser?

What marriage resources have been helpful or encouraging to you?
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emotional abuse - books for the abuser?

Postby brokenhearted » Wed Jun 10, 2015 11:42 am

It has come to my attention that I have been emotionally abusive to my husband. He is unwilling to trust any counselors at this time and would like to handle this with books if possible (at least at first). What books can I read that will help me work through my issues and save our marriage?

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Re: emotional abuse - books for the abuser?

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Jun 10, 2015 12:02 pm

Have you confessed this to your husband, repented and sought forgiveness? That alone is a huge step in the right direction to healing. I am wondering if Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" Bible study would be a great thing for you.

Another book, firmly rooted in Scripture that will give anyone a new perspective who reads it is Equipped to Love. It's a small book but deep.
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Re: emotional abuse - books for the abuser?

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Jun 10, 2015 12:05 pm

How wonderful that you want to work on this. Have you considered seeking individual counseling to help you identify some specific areas to address? You may be able to find some good resources by talking with a counselor who knows you and what will help you most.

Psychology Today has an articlewith signs of being emotionally abusive, and it looks like they have a link to a resource or two at the bottom of the article.

Focus on the Family has this article. At the bottom, you'll find information about how to contact them for a free consultation with a counselor.

Depending on the kinds of things that trigger the abuse, you may want to read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, too.
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Re: emotional abuse - books for the abuser?

Postby Object of Contempt » Fri Jan 15, 2016 7:27 am

I have searched for books and other resources, but have found nothing that was both knowledgeable on the topic and truly founded in scriptural truth. I'm currently experiencing emotional abuse, and have been falsely accused of being abusive. As a man it really is hard to get a fair shake because men are assumed to be the abuser by default. There are bad/partial statistics that indicate that 95% of abusers are men. I bring that up because this may be the reason your husband doesn't trust any counselors. That is a big part of why I don't trust them... And I *definitely* don't trust when she is there. She is very disingenuous any time it will protect her reputation, or if I start to show initiative.

So, to reiterate the question in another reply, have you confessed and repented to your husband? Have you done so with others present? In an abusive situation, that is a very big deal. It says that your husband is more precious to you than keeping up a reputation. If you have repented and are pursuing reconciliation, then you are doing something that is very uncommon. If you haven't, then it needs to be considered the very first step before anything else. Transparency and candor have to be in place for a husband to build his trust up. He may take a while for that trust to show up because of the need to heal, but you have to go that direction. Only the Bible is a useful book until you repent in a meaningful way (which usually needs details).

Having taken care of that part, you will almost certainly need more that a book to find instruction and healing. The motivations for emotional abuse are quite varied. Since people fool themselves frequently, having a person go through the process with you will help in finding the real issues and staying on the right path.

On the web, you may find some help identifying some behavior and explanation's at George Simon's website. Don't worry about finding some diagnosis. Just identify what behaviors apply. Most of the diagnoses that people throw around in the comments on a website like that are suspect, and the characteristics can be exaggerated or fabricated. Those problems occur on a continuum, so you could easily come to a wrong conclusion about having a personality disorder for example. However, even people without a personality disorder can still show some of these behaviors. Dr. Simon's focus is on manipulative behaviors, various aggressive behaviors, and gaslighting. Most of the time the context is narcissism or sociopathy. Your problems may not be that bad, but it is still a very enlightening website. He has books available, but it seems to me that they were all about helping the abused, rather than the abuser.

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Re: emotional abuse - books for the abuser?

Postby herdodi » Sat Jan 16, 2016 6:04 am

Look up the material produced by Leslie Vernick http://www.leslievernick.com/
Here is a brief bio:
Leslie Vernick is a popular speaker, author, licensed clinical social worker, and life coach. Leslie is the author of seven books, including the best-selling, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and Lord, I Just Want to be Happy. Leslie received her master’s degree in Clinical Social Work from the University of Illinois and has completed post-graduate training in biblical counseling.

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