Article: "How to get him to want sex"

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marriedforlife90
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Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby marriedforlife90 » Sat Aug 06, 2016 10:30 am

http://site.themarriagebed.com/problems ... o-want-sex

I wanted to discuss this. This just doesn't fit us at all. Sometimes I wander around naked in the bedroom and he doesn't even notice. We have regular conversations. He does not get an erection. I've only ever tried to touch myself once and he slapped my hand away. HE wants to do it. He doesn't want me to masterbate in front of him ( nor at all probably) as that is wrong. it is HIS job to make me aroused.

Nowhere to put comments on the article. Maybe we are just weird.. Don't know.

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Re: How to get him to want sex

Postby IWKT » Sat Aug 06, 2016 11:07 am

I have a feeling that the article doesn't apply to many marriages, especially if the husband wants less sex than the wife. You might be weird but know you're not alone.

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Vanna
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Re: How to get him to want sex

Postby Vanna » Sat Aug 06, 2016 1:16 pm

My husband mostly reacts to nakedness when sex is on his radar. It's also rare for him to get erect with just visual stimulus. Some days he seems not to notice, other days he does. He still seems to have moments when I catch him looking down my top or watching me bend over, even when I'm clothed.

Did you ever talk to hubby about the hand slapping incident? I can't imagine my husband ever smacking my hand over anything- sexual or otherwise- and we would definitely need a good chat if it ever happened. I'd definitely want to know what was going on in his head from the horses mouth, not just whatever reasoning I attributed to it.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

marriedforlife90
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Re: How to get him to want sex

Postby marriedforlife90 » Sun Aug 07, 2016 12:27 am

IWKT wrote:You might be weird but know you're not alone.

Thank you. Nice to know I'm not crazy.

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Re: Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby tjw » Sun Aug 07, 2016 7:15 am

I cannot say why your husband behaves like this. Only he can tell you, and I encourage you to probe for the truth with him. I just thought I'd tell you how I might have acted as a younger man.

I don't know what it's like to "want sex less" than my wife. I have always wanted it more than her. But many things in that article fit me to a "T" and "T" is my first initial. That article speaks far more to me than it would to my wife.

I believed that masturbation was sin for a long time in my life. Even though I knew that it was not even mentioned in the bible. Largely because I grew up in a very legalistic church and community which practiced "traditions of men for commandments". I was well into my forties before I started to understand how to use "the sword" to divide truth from fable in my own heart.

Even now as one in life's seventh decade, I still want sex, and still more than my wife does. But that "baggage" that the article author talks about, sparks up my feelings of inadequacy and my desires become inhibited by them. It's not that I don't "want" her or that she isn't attractive to me. I just "understand" that sex isn't going to happen too often and don't show my passions.

My wife has never masturbated in front of me. I would have never overtly slapped her hand if she had, in fact, now, I would find it quite a "turn on", but I have to tell you, in the past, because of my "baggage", if she had done it, I would have regarded it as she prefers it over me and been deeply hurt.

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Re: Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby Kilarin » Tue Aug 09, 2016 9:01 am

This is one of the reasons I'm uncomfortable with the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" approach that is often used when giving advice about men and women. It may be correct 80% of the time, or even more, but there are always people who don't fit. Sometimes the man is the more emotional person in a marriage. Sometimes the woman is the problem solver. Some men are NOT very visual in their sexual arousal, and some women are.

So, whenever you get advice that says "men work this way and women work that way" please always add a "most of the time" to it and recognize that exceptions to these rules not only happen, but are actually normal and expected.

So if your husband doesn't respond visually, that doesn't make him weird, just off towards the edge of the bell curve.
As for him slapping your hand away, that was just rude.

I don't have any advice other than that I think talking about this directly with your husband is a good approach. Better communications almost always helps.

I'll be praying for both of you, please pray for me as well.

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Nova
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Re: Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby Nova » Fri Aug 19, 2016 12:53 am

I'm would say all those tips are just generally good ideas, regardless of who has what drive. I would be thrilled beyond words if my wife spontaneously did any of those things.
Please don't think I'm being aggressive just because I use strong language. If I'm posting on your thread, it's because I care.

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Re: Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby OldBear » Fri Aug 19, 2016 2:49 pm

Paul Byerly's suggestions cover a wide, comprehensive range. Depending on your DH's mindset, response to physical and verbal cues and come-ons, not to mention his physiological sexual health, means that you may have to experiment with some of the suggestions. If something doesn't work try a twist on it. If it doesn't work a second time, think creatively about another suggestion.

Please explain a bit further what you meant by, "We have regular conversations." Conversations about his lack of desire, about your need for his interest and initiation, about your need for more sex, about your need for more intimacy/romance, etc.?

As Vanna suggests, have a specific conversation about the masturbation incident. You mention that he 'probably wouldn't want you to mastubate at all.' That suggests that you do, and he doesn't know. That's a good place to start, since he ought to know. If he believes that he, only, should stimulate you or that masturbation is off the table, then that ought to open the door for conversation about your yearning for more sexual interest and intimacy from him.

Sexual pleasure is for the mutual benefit of a husband and a wife. There are 5 different mutual pleasures in the sexual intimacy of the marriage bed. A DH's pleasure in his DW's pleasure, a DW's pleasure in her DH's pleasure, a DW's pleasure, a DH's pleasure, and their mutual pleasure. Share that thought with him - it's biblical and important for fulfilling the marriage bed.

Conversation about intimacy is important. He may be reticent, depending on his personality or lack of sexual drive, but it's important to gently encourage him to talk about your desire and need for sexual intimacy.

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Re: Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby gracekissed » Sun Aug 21, 2016 5:45 pm

I actually gave my husband this list to try to get ideas of how best to turn him on. He put a big red X next to 2/3 of the suggestions, and the checkmarks he gave were pretty tame and pretty much what I knew he already liked (but those things still don't "work" to increase his drive). We had to dig deeper to start changing our sexual relationship. So... it was a nice idea, but yeah, fell flat.

marriedforlife90
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Re: Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby marriedforlife90 » Sat Sep 17, 2016 10:17 am

OldBear wrote:Conversation about intimacy is important. He may be reticent, depending on his personality or lack of sexual drive, but it's important to gently encourage him to talk about your desire and need for sexual intimacy.

Yeah, never going to happen. Any conversation I have ever started has him saying one or two sentences at most. I don't masturbate, or very rarely.

Right now it doesn't even matter. I am love love loving my new job. That and keeping up with my daughter who is now in school has me leaving early and getting home late. I don't really have any sexual desire myself right now. Being good friends is enough. He is a great guy. I have tons to talk to him about now from my job. I haven't felt this good in forever. I love my life right now, even without sex!

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Re: Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby tjw » Sun Sep 18, 2016 5:04 am

I love my life right now, even without sex!

You sound like my wife. Her life is full. It doesn't include me, except that she can't earn enough money to keep her lifestyle of not working and spending her time on everything else without me.

Being good friends is enough. He is a great guy.

I can hear my wife saying these exact words in my mind's ear. I think that is how she truly feels about me. I am a "settle", a compromise. She didn't want to marry guys she was attracted to because they were selfish and worthless.

Any conversation I have ever started has him saying one or two sentences at most.

Yep. I say nothing. I cannot share my feelings with my wife, I will be summarily dismissed, and then I am left with not only the rejection, but the overwhelming feeling that I am "just not worth it". Her latest reply is "...I just can't think about that now....".

marriedforlife90
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Re: Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby marriedforlife90 » Sun Sep 18, 2016 6:35 am

I stayed home for 20 years and my focus was TOTALLY on him, but he was too busy or too consumed with the kids. He tells me EVERYTHING about how he feels. Sex is just a non-conversation subject for him. I've supported him through huge burnout and medical issues. He does feel valued by me. Our situations are different. You probably haven't seen my posts. I'm the high drive spouse or at least I have been for the last 5 years or so. Before that we were pretty equal.

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Vanna
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Re: Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby Vanna » Sun Sep 18, 2016 1:24 pm

It's good to find happiness and peace in every season despite life's schedules and circumstances. Marriage encompasses a lot of varied seasons and life experiences.

We were talking to a couple we know who are a few years older than us, he just got his "all clear" after treatment for prostate cancer. He's a big ol' rock'n rebel at heart. He was sharing about how glad he was that he married his best friend and they accept each other for who they are and she's so caring and patient and loving. This was a side of him we hadn't seen before. She blushed the whole time, lol. I also have another friend whose hubby just died of cancer. They found out about two months ago. Now he's gone. I remember my Dad telling my mom from the hospital bed that when he got home, things would be different- they would take walks, talk more, go places... He didn't make it home. I think facing possibility of death changes the way people look at relationships and life.

We aren't promised tomorrow. Today is the day we have to enjoy our loved ones. I'd encourage you to make a point to stay physically connected throughout the week- hold hands, snuggle, kiss, share showers, spoon... It's good to keep that togetherness during busy seasons, it cuts down on any disconnect slipping in the cracks and shifting you apart. That stuff can't sneak in and it's harder to fix that than just exercising some intentional physical connection and keeping physical intimacy present. This man is your forever- however long forever ends up being- enjoy him, love him every way you can. Make memories.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

marriedforlife90
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Re: Article: "How to get him to want sex"

Postby marriedforlife90 » Mon Sep 19, 2016 4:42 am

Vanna wrote:I'd encourage you to make a point to stay physically connected throughout the week- hold hands, snuggle, kiss, share showers, spoon...

He just insn't into that. I would love to cuddle. Just isn't him. He'll hold hands with the kids. He prefers to sit in his easy chair. I just go find something to do now that I have plenty of that.


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