Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

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Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Sep 15, 2016 3:42 pm

As I was doing some blog surfing today, I came across this post. I have heard a lot of these concepts here and there, but I thought it summed up (generally speaking) how women are different then men in what "attracts" us.

The wife who was writing a question was sharing a frustration of her husband, that we've read multiple times here... how a husband wants a wife to "lust" after him, much like he does with her. And the wife questions her attraction to her husband.

Here are some quotes I found interesting, and that resonated with me:

Back in the 1990s I was writing my thesis about the portrayal of women in advertising, and I started looking at some of the studies about arousal and media. And what I found was that women tended to get more aroused looking at pictures of women rather than men–even though they weren’t lesbian at all. I don’t mean to be gross here, and forgive me if this veers on inappropriate, but here’s what the researchers concluded: when women look at images, they don’t “lust” after the image as much as they picture themselves as the image (that’s why women in ads are often portrayed looking away rather than directly at the camera; it’s easier for women to picture themselves AS that woman).


What arouses women, then, is the idea of being wanted, not the wanting itself.


So hear me, women: Just because you don’t look at your husband and go weak-kneed does not mean that you aren’t attracted to him.

And guys: Just because your wife doesn’t jump you every time you take off your clothes does not mean you don’t turn her on.
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Re: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby tentsofpurple » Thu Sep 15, 2016 3:57 pm

Interesting and for me I think pretty true. I like the way my husband looks and I find him very handsome but what really turns me on is more his attitude or behavior. When I know (by his actions) that he really wants me and just can't get enough that really gets me going.

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Unfulfilled » Fri Sep 16, 2016 8:39 am

I'm not seeing a big difference here.

Women want to be wanted. And that is what most men have expressed here. The OP characterized it as men wanting their wives to "lust" after them. I think it really boils down to the husband being able to see or have other tangible proof that his safe wants him. And the most blatantly obvious tangible proof of that is overt sexual overtures. This could be as obvious as taking his hand and leading him into the bedroom, but it can and most often are MUCH smaller things such as a look in her eye, or a word or innuendo.

I think many husbands (and wives for that matter) have expressed how they feel empty because their wife (spouse) will have sex, but they sense that it is out of duty or drudgery. Leaving them feel empty because they do not in any way feel wanted or desired. Rather they feel their spouse is just enduring or putting up with them to get it over with. Again sex is just a single means where the feelings are exaggerated. But can and often do extend to other areas in their lives.

The bottom line is it seems both husband and wife want and need to FEEL wanted and desired. We may feel that in a different way, and experience this feeling from behaviors from our spouse in order to feel that want/desire.

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby txtwindad » Fri Sep 16, 2016 9:19 am

unfulfilled wrote:The bottom line is it seems both husband and wife want and need to FEEL wanted and desired.


I have to agree with unfulfilled on this. Why is it OK for a woman to want feel desired, but not a man? Men want the same thing. Is that so hard to understand? It may be much easier for a man to show his wife that he desires her as it fits into our nature a bit more. But does that give women a pass to leave a man's desire to be wanted unfulfilled?

I think the trick is for women to actively seek out ways to make their husband feel desired. And also the husband's job to understand that she may show her desire in ways that are a bit different to a man.

Both parties should have their need to be desired by their spouse fulfilled. And both parties should be seeking ways to show their desire to their spouse in ways that they can understand.

I like that the article is trying to help women see that they ARE attracted to their husbands even if that desire might be a different in real life than a romance novel or chick flick.

BTW, my wife does a great job of making me feel desired as I'm sure many or maybe even most women on the TMB do for their husbands.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby poetess » Fri Sep 16, 2016 9:48 am

Unfulfilled, I think that men tend to jump to the idea that "wanting me" is only (or mostly) sexual desire. That is not the most "basic" desire for most women. Sexual desire is part of the desire to be intimate, but not the whole package. How much of the package it is varies from one woman to another, and also on her hormones, the depth of her relationship with her husband, and more.

In the first year or so of our marriage, I would go to run an errand when my husband was home, and as I drove home and saw the addresses move closer and closer to our house number, I had a physical yearning to be home and with my husband--but it wasn't a sexual desire. That might have been part of it, but my wanting him was not primarily wanting sex with him. I did want sex with him, but it was a secondary part of wanting him.

To equate "I desire my spouse" with "I desire my spouse sexually" is more a male mind-set. It isn't wrong, but it does leave men beating their heads against a wall when they think their wives are lying. Or when they expect "desire" to mean initiating passionate sex. That's natural to some women (including me), but a woman is not "broken" if her desire for her husband does not lead to lust for her husband outside the bedroom (i.e., when they aren't moving toward sex already).
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby OldBear » Fri Sep 16, 2016 9:50 am

A paraphrase of one of Canadian comedian Red Green's quotes is, "If your wife doesn't find you handsome, at least be handy" is somewhat profound. Mrs. Oldbear thrills when I'm busy about the house doing little fixit, repair, and renewal jobs. She's not inclined to lead me immediately to the bedroom, but it puts her in the mood. My handiness is attractive to her; doing things that enhance her 'nest' trigger her delight in me. Although who I am and how I look is attractive to Mrs. Oldbear, my acts of service (her chief love language) stimulates my attractiveness to her.

My hunch is that generally women are more attracted to their DHs based on his gift to her of her love language, whereas men tend to default more often to the inner and visual beauty attractiveness of their DWs.

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Better for wife to physically show desire

Postby Job29Man » Fri Sep 16, 2016 10:57 am

Unfulfilled was spot on.

If my wife "desires me" in a way that doesn't result in something physical, then what does this so-called "desire" look like?

1. Is it a secret feeling inside her that she never reveals and so it is unknown to me forever?
2. Is it more like an "appreciation" of me? If so, that's a WHOLE DIFFERENT thing than desire. It is "appreciation." If she appreciates me she either says nothing, and then it's a secret that does not edify me, or she "shows" appreciation by doing something nice for me and MAYBE I put 2 an 2 together and figure it out... maybe I don't. Or she says "I appreciate you" with words and that's "nice" mmm-hmmm. Yes, I like that she appreciates me. My children appreciate me too. That makes me feel good too. My boss appreciates me. And I would NEVER view those as "desiring me." :lol: Appreciation is not a distinctive reward within marriage.
3. Does it result in an actual physical overture by her? An initiation of something sexual? Yes. THIS is a language that I understand. I actually equate this physical act with inner desire.
4. Or does it result in a yearning by her for physical closeness that she never reveals in word or action? Again, it's like the cold father who never tells his children "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" until he's on his death bed. It leaves the son thinking, "Dad, I'm glad you said that finally, but ... ALL our years together you said nothing, so I never actually knew it... you wasted decades... and this deathbed statement is great, but we can never go back and relive those years I felt rejected by you. It shaped who I am.

IMHO it is better for wives to learn that their desire for their husbands SHOULD result in a physical expression of desire, than it is for husbands to try to go against the very fibre of their being and essence to convince themselves that somewhere deep inside their wife really "desires" them but will never express it in a tangible way. It costs her nothing to make the effort, but if he must figure out this non-physical desire (?????) then he will fail and feel starved. So she does not get emotionally damaged to accommodate him, but he will be emotionally damaged to accommodate her.

This is one of those cases where the compromise or learning should go one direction only, not both directions.

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby poetess » Fri Sep 16, 2016 11:36 am

This is one of those cases where the compromise or learning should go one direction only, not both directions.


Job, I disagree, and this is why: As has been pointed out on these boards multiple times, women's sexuality is different from men's, and often results in women not feeling sexual desire until they're actually engaging in the act. I think we are created for the "norm" to be that men pursue, women respond. Men find it hot when wives initiate sometimes; I get that. My husband told me that before we were married, and I paid attention. But I think the "usual" picture is that a man pursues and woos and a woman accepts the overture. She may not even be "feeling" it yet, but she is open to her husband and willing to be taken down that path, so she responds to his initiation.

As I said, my desire for my husband is multi-faceted. I want to engage with his mind and talk with him for hours (and we do); I want to laugh with him. I want to spend time with him. I enjoy cuddling with him. I love taking walks with him. When he calls me and I hear his voice on the phone, my heart leaps. When I hear him making jokes with a store clerk and making that clerk's day more pleasant, I think "But I'm the one who gets to take this man home, and keep him!" When I see him pull someone aside at church because he sees that person needs encouragement, I think "I made a great choice! He's a keeper." When he comes out of the shower, before he is dressed I go in to see him and touch him and maybe more. It's all part of desire.

At times when we cuddle I'm tired or achy or something less than fully sexy, and as we touch each other I don't know whether or not he is thinking "sex." Often I half hope that he is, and half hope that he isn't. I'm tired and another time would be better, but I want him to see me sexually, and I know that if he does "get me going," it will be good. But that doesn't make my desire for him any less, the moments when the "sexual" part is not on top. It just means that if men were created to be initiators and women responders (as I believe to be the case), men are going to have the sexual thoughts first, in general, more often than not. And that's OK, as long as she is open and willing to be taken down that path. (In my case, I think the sexual thoughts more often start with me than my husband, but from what I read it's often the husband who is more consciously sexual.) It doesn't make a woman's desire for her husband less genuine than his desire for her, if his has sex on a higher level in that desire mix than hers does.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby txtwindad » Fri Sep 16, 2016 12:03 pm

Poetess, no one said that a woman showing strong desire for her husband should be the norm. If she will do it one out of 50 times, I suspect most husbands would be ecstatic.

It is all well and good to say that is the way women are, but we are not slaves to our tendencies. We can learn to do things outside of our nature to please our spouse.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby ghostrider » Fri Sep 16, 2016 12:48 pm

Good points by Oldbear - I've seen studies that claim that men who do domestic chores like dishes and toilet cleaning don't have as much sex as husbands who do mostly yardwork, construction, and other sweat inducing projects. Something about sweat or muscles or getting dirty is supposed to turn women on, although for my wife, she usually doesn't want to even hug me until after I've had a shower.

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby SeekingChange » Fri Sep 16, 2016 1:09 pm

txtwindad wrote:I like that the article is trying to help women see that they ARE attracted to their husbands even if that desire might be a different in real life than a romance novel or chick flick.

This was the main point for me in sharing... to help a women understand themselves better, and maybe to help husband's understand their wives better.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby ghostrider » Fri Sep 16, 2016 1:13 pm

I have to wonder how much of this is from conditioning. In our marriage, we currently have it kinda backwards.

Due to stress, or middle age, or whatever, I don't seem to get in the mood after dark much anymore. Although I do get in the mood during the day, but since we have kids at home, my wife is just not willing have sex when they might figure out what we are doing - except sometimes on Sundays. So what has happened lately is that she has done nearly all the initiating, or at least all the initiating that is successful. I will sometimes grab her butt in the kitchen or fondle her parts if the kids aren't around, but that never goes anywhere. Sometimes when she is getting dressed or undressed at the sink, I will come up behind her, kiss the back of her neck and caress her sensually - in all the ways that should turn a woman on. And then occasionally, I will grab her in the bedroom and throw her on the bed and just start making out with her, and I nearly always get a "No!" because she is worried about something else, kids or meals or whatever. So either the showing intense desire of my wife doesn't work on her to turn her on, or there is some other stronger influence that is blocking my desire from getting to her. And her frequent "No" has conditioned me to rarely initiate anymore. Granted, my timing is often poor, but as I explain below, that is a function of my current biology.

I also find myself as the pursuer outside the bedroom most of the time. I love to go on walks and hikes and to the gym with her, but it is always my idea and I have to get her to agree to go. Also, I end up planning all our dates.

But recently, what does happen in the bedroom typically is she asks me to make love to her once we are both in bed, or more often we will start talking or watching a show on the computer in bed, and after several minutes of resting and decompressing, she will grab my crotch and play with me to get me in the mood. Once or twice, I've pooped out and not responded physically, but usually when she does this, I get all excited and we have good, normal sex.

So I'm not sure what to do here, if anything. She has commented a few times that she is always the one initiating and I know she wants to be desired too. But for me - I'm usually too tired to initiate sex once my head hits the pillow, and after a few recent episodes with ED, my confidence in my abilities to follow thru holds me back when I'm most tired. But when I am feeling it, nearly always during the sunlight hours, my wife is too distracted to respond.

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby seeking perspective » Fri Sep 16, 2016 1:31 pm

Many women wonder if they are attracted to their husbands. After all, if we don't do things that look like his attraction for us, or like women's attraction as seen in movies, it is easy to question our attraction. Sheila has written quite a few posts to encourage her readers (women) to express their attraction in a way that "counts" to their husbands--but the scope of this article was to help wives recognize their attraction even though it doesn't look like they think it is supposed to.

When I wasn't feeling a zing or going around thinking about jumping my husband on a regular basis, I thought it was a sign that something was terribly wrong in our marriage--or in me. I would have loved to know that the lack of desire that looked like that did not indicate a problem.

This particular blog post said just what it should. It's okay for men to want their wives' attraction to be communicated in specific ways, and loving wives should attempt to do this--but when a wife is still stuck at the "I'm worried that I'm not attracted to him and don't know what that means," all that other stuff would get in the way of the important message Sheila was writing.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby ghostrider » Fri Sep 16, 2016 1:40 pm

When I wasn't feeling a zing or going around thinking about jumping my husband on a regular basis, I thought it was a sign that something was terribly wrong in our marriage--or in me. I would have loved to know that the lack of desire that looked like that did not indicate a problem.

What if a woman doesn't feel physical attraction for her husband but does feel that attraction and desire to jump, etc for other men? (This would describe the wife of a friend of mine).

Would that be along the same lines of what you were feeling or is this a different situation completely?

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby seeking perspective » Fri Sep 16, 2016 1:44 pm

What I was thinking about was simply a lack of any zing at all. I think what you're describing is a different situation--although a lack of awareness of attraction for her husband (as I felt) may be part of it.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby SeekingChange » Fri Sep 16, 2016 2:10 pm

ghostrider wrote:What if a woman doesn't feel physical attraction for her husband but does feel that attraction and desire to jump, etc for other men? (This would describe the wife of a friend of mine).

I think some of this "law" is coming into play:
quote from post wrote:TV shows and movies, though, often portray women with the same kind of sex drive: we see a guy, we start panting, and we want to make love.

Now, to a certain extent that does happen at the beginning of a relationship. Those “infatuation” feelings, when you get the electrical surge if he touches you, are quite common. Scientific studies, though, have found that these feelings only last about 18 months. Then they’re gone, and you’re left with a more mature love–and just as much ability to enjoy sex.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Unfulfilled » Fri Sep 16, 2016 2:30 pm

SeekingChange wrote:
txtwindad wrote:I like that the article is trying to help women see that they ARE attracted to their husbands even if that desire might be a different in real life than a romance novel or chick flick.

This was the main point for me in sharing... to help a women understand themselves better, and maybe to help husband's understand their wives better.


Great. the women now know they are attracted to their husband. But if they do not show it, what is the point?

Potetsss, you stated about how you love and feel attracted to your husband and desire him when you take walks, or do things or talk together etc. that sexual "thing" is not a secondary at least sometimes issue.

The problem I see in that whole description was that it was all about how YOU felt desire for your husband and that is critically important for sure. But I think what myself and Job and a few other guys are trying to say is that is all INVISIBLE to the husband. He is still left feeling and wondering if he is wanted and desired. It remains a mystery to be solved. Some men solve it, while I fear most men do not and are left wandering and wondering if their wife really wants or desires them.

I agree that sexual action of words is the most effective and obvious signs to prove to him your desire. But you admiring your husband and recognizing you made a good choice in a man, from across the church silently in Your own mind while he gives encouragement to a fellow parishioner gives YOU the sense of attractiveness to your husband. But leaves him COMPLETELY In The dark and unaware. Still wondering if you want or desire him. (Maybe not in your specific case but as a general example)

Doing all those nice things together that make your heart fill with admiration and even attraction is like being a world class chef,more paring wonderful 5 course meals, the house is filled with wonderful smells. And you absolutely love to cook. But then a crew comes in soaks all the wonderful food away to the catered party, and the. the husband is left there with nothing but the vapors of what he came suspect was a succulent meal, but ends up with nothing to eat.

Again "eating" doesn't necessarily have to be sex itself. It sure can be and would be welcome. But something as simple as a raised eyebrow, or special look, or a word, or a wink or SOME sort of overt tangible thing that a husband can actually see or feel is required. Keeping the most wonderful and beautiful thoughts covertly and securely in your mind may be all you need to feel secure I'm your attraction for your husband. But your husbands are NOT mind readers. It is invisible and there is no way we can know your inner feelings unless you ACTUALLY share them with is in some tangible way.

Yes it is critically important for a wife to know she is indeed attracted to her husband. Because she sure will not be able to show it if she does t feel it herself. But once she does in fact know she wants and is attracted to her husband, she darn well better let HIM know it. This is NOT the time to keep secrets!

An example of how important edification and "approval" of thier wife can be seen in a couple of movies. One is the original "Rocky" and the other is "Miracle" about th 1980 is gold winning hockey team. In BOTH cases at the end when they are victorious by overcoming unbelievable odds, who does Rocky look for? who does the hockey coach look for? The crowds are going nuts in complete pandimonium, and in each case, while to world is going nuts the ONLY person they are looking for, want to see,made calling for even for a glimpse to catch eye contact is thier wife. Nothing else matters. Only what thier wife thinks of them matters.

Same is true in the deepest darkest times in war and chaos and complete nuttiness, thing that gives them peace is the picture of their wife. Which is always on or near them. In their helmet or stuck in the airplane instrument panel.

Just a certain glimpse of their wife's eyes is all that is needed for evidence or proof of the bond and her desire and want for him. Sex would be nice, but please do not convince yourself that sex is the only thing that can accomplish this for a man. Yes sex works, but a bunch of consistent small acts, along with bonding passionate and truly intimate sex at least occasionally so a husband can fairly easily connect those dots is what is needed I believe by many if not most men.

This may be hard to understand for many woman on this forum, because this whole post is probably speaking to the chior, as it is probable that many of the woman here already do what I mention. But many men are here in pain,nor have experienced what I describe above because their wives don't behave this way. Despite being told by their husband a thousand times. Somehow they still don't hear what they are saying and think "it's all about him wanting sex all the time".

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby seeking perspective » Fri Sep 16, 2016 3:03 pm

Unfulfilled wrote:
Great. the women now know they are attracted to their husband. But if they do not show it, what is the point?


The point is to start where women are, not where their husbands need them to be. Sheila does talk about showing it in other posts--so it isn't as if her blog ignores it. This post has a very specific purpose.

If there is a wife who has been refusing to have sex and part of it is because she thinks she isn't attracted to her husband, telling her anything that includes "and you need to show it" is counterproductive. A woman who has been thinking she isn't attracted is going to read that and think that she is being told to fake it.

Once a woman recognizes that she is attracted to her husband after all, then she is ready to think about the fact that her husband needs her to show it. Some people do well with all the information up front. Others, though, need one thing revealed at a time to draw them forward.

Despite being told by their husband a thousand times. Somehow they still don't hear what they are saying and think "it's all about him wanting sex all the time".


If understanding the nature of their own attraction moves them one step closer to understanding that this ^^^ is not the case, that's a good thing. Being told they have to show something they aren't even sure they feel will serve little other than to scare them way from the very growth their husbands desire. This would not be a good thing.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby SeekingChange » Fri Sep 16, 2016 3:28 pm

Very well said SP.... I think many are missing the point and the motive behind the original purpose of the post and the share here.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Hiswifeagain » Fri Sep 16, 2016 3:29 pm

It certainly seems that way from here. ;)


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