Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Sep 19, 2016 4:26 pm

I personally have no argument with your suggestions, and a woman can learn by listening to what men are saying...and I would suggest, that the women you are speaking of in these threads, who do the "turning", are women who DO listen to men and are trying out and practicing what the men suggest. I hear often from my husband, "You sure know just what to do to make me feel wanted and desired."....but I really believe he's definitely missing a level of truly understanding me and how I operate. Shoot, who am I kidding, I am trying to understand myself and how I operate, physically and emotionally...and these kind of posts, help ME understand who I am, and that's why I personally share them.

I don't think it's the information you men share that gets the "kickback", but the feeling that the woman's side/perspective is just being dismissed, but I could be wrong. I think there's a lot of "blue and pink glasses and hearing aids" going on. :D
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby seeking perspective » Mon Sep 19, 2016 4:39 pm

Unfulfilled wrote: It has come to the point where several women point out that desire for them doesn't work the way the men need it to in order to feel loved or attracted. And that the men just have to get used to it. Yet it seems to be the well held position that men have to adopt the woman's point of view of sexuality as the default and the men have to adapt and change behavior to meet their wife's need. Yet the women have little need to adapt to change their behavior to meet their husband's needs.


For some reason it always seems to boil down in similar threads that it is the man who has to assume the female default sexual paradigm. And the man is left to live with not expecting his wife to meet his needs in the way he feels it. Why: Because, well, she is different. So men, just get used to it! Tough crunchies!


I have read here the truth that men's or women's positions are not wrong, just different.
However, when the threads boil right down to it. It almost always distills down to the woman's position is just the way it is and the men should just learn to deal with it.


I really don't see any of this ^^^. I do think think husbands need to understand what their wives think and feel. I think many of them need to work at seeing that their wives are trying to communicate their attraction and desire, even if it isn't in the way the husband needs. I also think that wives need to work to show their desire in ways that their husbands most want.

This it seems to be summed up rather succinctly in an earlier paraphrased quote: If a man needs desire to be shown to him for him to know his wife is attracted to him, well then, he will live most of his life in disappointment.


To me, this ^^^ says something different from what it says to you. There are husbands who aren't willing to see the desire their wives are already communicating because they expect that it only "counts" if it is shown in a particular way. These men are bound to be disappointed. That is NOT the same as saying they need to simply get used to it. It means they need to look harder at what their wives are doing and communicate what they would like. If a husband tells his wife, "I want to see that you're attracted to me" and doesn't tell her specifically what that looks like to him, then she may well do the things that she thinks are showing her attraction, without any awareness that he doesn't get it. Yes, husbands need to understand how their wives perceive things--not so they can just suck it up and deal with it, but so they can understand that this is an area where they need to communicate with their wives in a very specific way about what they need.

Here's an example: One of the things I try to do is flash my husband frequently. He used to complain that I hid my body from him, so to me, flashing was communicating my desire in a big way--but he just wasn't getting the message.

So a little while ago, I read him txtwindad's post:

txtwindad wrote:Sure you can meet this need. You are making this way too difficult. I'll give you a secret that will work for most men, IMO. We equate agressive initiation with desire. Plan one time a month where you act this out. Pick a time when he's not stressed and distracted. Agressive initiation will mean different things in different relationships. It may be clearly and graphically wording your desire, it might be shoving him against the wall, it might be something else entirely. But it needs to communicate that you NEED him now. If you pull this off once a month, I think your husbands answer will be different in the future.


My husband was all over these suggestions, agreeing that all these things would definitely communicate my desire to him. I said that I will try to integrate them into my interactions with him.

I also told him that all those times I flash him (and do some other sexual teasing), I am expressing my desire for him. I asked him to pay attention to that so he can be more aware of my desire for him.

We have a sex-positive marriage, yet this is an area where we were completely missing. Now we are both aware that we are missing, so now we can both work to adjust accordingly.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Hiswifeagain » Mon Sep 19, 2016 4:51 pm

UF, what I was trying to say is if a husband needs a wife to have a genuine physical need the same way her husband has a genuine physical need they will probably be perpetually disappointed because many women don't have a physical need in the same way as men.

I'm all about a wife doing things she can to make him feel desired. I don't know that a person can manufacture a physical need. I can express my desire in a way my dh would toward me, but the origin would be different. My own dh values honesty so I don't pretend to have a need for sex that I don't feel. But I am sexual all the time in a variety of ways. He feels desired despite my lack of physical need. He understands I have no semen build up that spurs a physical need in me the way it does him.


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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Vanna » Mon Sep 19, 2016 6:03 pm

I'm not a big fan of blanket statements based on gender. I don't have any problem being attracted sexually to my man. I'm quite visual. I know a number of women who are sex starved and married to men who exhibit no desire. I've worked with a number of women with a history of using porn These women are not shy about their attraction and desire. Physical need in wives not as rare as people think.

If things go a few days without sex, I'm definitely thinking about it as I lie next to his sleeping form. Occasionally, when I'm taking care of myself, he'll wake and find the energy to join me. I'm the one who wakes groping at him as he prepares for work. I'm the reason he dresses and undresses slowly so I can watch the show. I walk behind him to watch his fine backside, and I love watching his hands, knowing how good they feel. I find him quite sexy and hot.

If I didn't know so many ladies who were like me, I'd wonder if I were some weird, sexual oddball. But I'm not. Ironically, they are all married to low drive men who run when pursued. I'm just one of the luckier gals because we've come to a place where he appreciates and encourages my attention, which is wonderful.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Hiswifeagain » Mon Sep 19, 2016 6:18 pm

Vanna, I desire my husband sexually, but I don't NEED sex physically the way he does. I wish I could explain it better because I feel similar as you do, but when it's been too long I crave it, but it's an emotional need, not so much physical.


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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Vanna » Mon Sep 19, 2016 6:32 pm

I do understand the emotional connection. It's just that, when I go without, I find myself with a literal itch or ache that makes the seam on my jeans an enjoyable perch- and believe me, that is the only time I like that annoying seam... ;) I feel rather like one of those little dogs wanting to ride your leg. For me, masturbation in a sexual lull isn't recreational, it's relief.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Ecclesiastes99Man » Mon Sep 19, 2016 8:31 pm

txtwindad wrote:Pick a time when he's not stressed and distracted. Agressive initiation will mean different things in different relationships. It may be clearly and graphically wording your desire, it might be shoving him against the wall, it might be something else entirely. But it needs to communicate that you NEED him now.

This. I second this. Heck even if it was once a season that my wife did this for me I'd be set.

txtwindad wrote:Pick your time carefully though. If he's distracted and stressed it can fall flat giving your self confidence a real blow.

This is also completely accurate. I came home from work one afternoon years ago and opened the door to my wife standing there in lingerie but I had such a tiring and stressful day at work I was flustered and it didn't turn out well. We had only been married 2 years. She hasn't tried again since in 6 years.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby rdierdorf » Mon Sep 19, 2016 9:04 pm

From our experience, a lot of this stems from miscommunication. Learning about the various "love languages " has helped, but so has some real honesty with each other. We found that we had been "talking past" each other, expressing love and desire in ways that made sense in our own minds, but not to each other. This has made us better students of each other. And the result has been much more sex, but also much more conversation and time spent together. More serving each other. More expressions of appreciation. And a lot more spiritual oneness and drawing closer to God. My wife is not real outgoing with her emotions, although she is very outspoken and passionate about what she things and believes. But given her emotional reticence in public, when she "accidentally" brushes her hand along my butt in the grocery store line, says volumes to me about her desire for me. After 36 years of marriage, we are more like young honeymooners than when we were young honeymooners.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Vanna » Mon Sep 19, 2016 10:37 pm

Ecclesiastes99Man wrote:I came home from work one afternoon years ago and opened the door to my wife standing there in lingerie but I had such a tiring and stressful day at work I was flustered and it didn't turn out well. We had only been married 2 years. She hasn't tried again since in 6 years.

Hi Ecclesiastes- I know you've posted elsewhere about trying to work through desire issues in your marriage... Have you ever mentioned this moment to her and apologized for not responding the way she would have hoped? Maybe let her know that it is a moment you've regretted for all these years?

Something often happens on the inside of a woman who puts herself out there on display to her man and then doesn't get the "wow! Hot momma!" response she imagined. Embarrassment, humiliation, insecurity, fear, negative mental dialogue... And typically a promise made to themselves that they will never make that mistake again. It makes everything they already worried about their flaws suddenly proved true in their heads.

It might be a good place to start helping her heal her past hurts and insecurities? Just a thought.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Learning1 » Tue Sep 20, 2016 3:54 am

Ecclesiastes99Man wrote: I came home from work one afternoon years ago and opened the door to my wife standing there in lingerie but I had such a tiring and stressful day at work I was flustered and it didn't turn out well. We had only been married 2 years. She hasn't tried again since in 6 years.


Your response would have totally discouraged me from trying that again.

Many woman have heard that this is something men really like, to be greeted at the door by their wives in lingerie, birthday suite, only wearing their DH's shirt.

How are DWs to know what their DH's day was like when surprising their DH at the door ?
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Ecclesiastes99Man » Tue Sep 20, 2016 4:49 am

They aren't and I dont blame her. What she did was great and literally any other day it would have been perfect. But it was just the reality that I had a terrible day and was not up for the occasion and she took my lack of excitement as rejection. I was just giving a real life example of what the other poster suggested and warning about being correct.
"Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun."
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Ecclesiastes99Man » Tue Sep 20, 2016 4:54 am

Vanna wrote:Have you ever mentioned this moment to her and apologized for not responding the way she would have hoped? Maybe let her know that it is a moment you've regretted for all these years?


I have. We talked about it that night and ive mentioned it a few times since that I would love it if she tried it again though I think she probably deep down doesnt trust that it would work. Now that we have kids theres less opportunity for that anyway since the kids are already up from nap or home from school when I get home.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby tjw » Tue Sep 20, 2016 5:35 am

My meaning was that I want her to see the quality of man I am and then "be attracted to me physically" (i.e. want to have sex with me) because of that.


I was trying to say what you said better.

I'm very glad my wife sees me as a good man. I want to be a good man, one who glorifies God in all ways.

if a husband needs a wife to have a genuine physical need the same way her husband has a genuine physical need they will probably be perpetually disappointed because many women don't have a physical need in the same way as men.


I identify with the "perpetual disappointment" part, but my wife does have a physical need, I'm just not her "type". And, that is the basis of my resentment.

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Sep 20, 2016 5:37 am

tjw wrote:my wife does have a physical need, I'm just not her "type".

Has she said that she has a physical need and you aren't her type or are you assuming that based on what you've seen?
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Sep 20, 2016 5:53 am

Vanna, your sexuality is amazing. But is the opposite extreme of my wife, who has told me: "If she never had sex again it would be no big deal."

A casual touch or brush of my butt in the grocery store has NEVER happened in the 26 years we have been married. So I would immediately recognize if that were to ever happen. She touched me so rarely it would be immediately noticed by me.

Exactly my point that being "sexual" can be a whole host of little things. Including just a look or gaze, little touches throughout the day or week.

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby tjw » Tue Sep 20, 2016 8:50 am

She has said that she has the physical need. She has never said "you're not my type" :) She is a considerate and empathetic person who would not
likely say something like that, however, she expresses desire for other men, so yes, it is based upon what I see.

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Sep 20, 2016 9:20 am

tjw wrote:she expresses desire for other men, so yes, it is based upon what I see.

How is she doing this? What's surrounding these comments, and what exactly is she saying? Her expression of "desire" could have a totally different meaning than what you would mean by the same exact comment. That's kind of what this whole thing is about.

Is she truly pointing out a physical desire, based on the man's appearance alone? Or, is she looking at how this man treats his wife/women, how he praises her in public, how he behaves in certain ways, how he pursues her, etc. and/or how he behaves as a man, a strong leader, an "alpha male", etc and then she "desires" him? If it's more like #2 (behavior vs. appearance), then it's not really about the desire of that man, but about desiring on being on the other side of that type of attention. She desires to have a man (not necessarily that specific one) to fawn over her, to praise her, to desire her, as she is seeing happen in that person/relationship she is looking at. Her desire isn't "wanting" the person, but to be "wanted". That can happen while looking in books, movies, or real life.
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Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Sep 20, 2016 9:46 am

Why did she choose you then? How does she express desire for other men?

ETA: I didn't see SC already asked about how she expresses desire for other men. :oops:
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby The Twit » Tue Sep 20, 2016 11:12 am

I like the chocolate comparison. But for those of us who have experienced refusal I will add the additional item that refusal is like not even getting the cheap chocolate and then saying that I did not get you the chocolate because it is not good for you - it makes you fat, gets you buzzed, you get hives, or other reasons. So is refusal. Yeah I have a great body and you desire me, but you do not get this because it makes you crave me more, or you get enough sex (once a year or once a quarter), or ___ fill in the blank. We men, and some women, have heard them all.

I will state that one book that should be read as part of the premarital work should be "Love Languages." Along with that is a complete study of each other's love languages. Along with that should be a periodic review of those languages. As we grow and change in our marriages we may see that our love language changes, I know mine has, and then we can reduce the miscommunication. We need to speak to each other and need to listen to each other but never assume that the other person thinks exactly like us.

I just recently saw in TV series of a few years ago or a more recent movie the comment from the male character that he had to break it off with a woman because she was too much like him and it felt weird like he was dating himself. So when we do marry we will rarely marry someone exactly like us. Thus we will not be speaking the same language or speaking the same way in showing our attraction of each other. I have had to learn to show my wife how I am attracted to her and it is not touching her OT caressing her but by doing certain things around the house. Likewise she is learning that I function on her touching me specially. Yes as I said, in the 30 plus years since my accident I have changed from being attracted to intellectual women to now get turned on by my wife's body or when she is cooking. Yes I still am attracted to her brain but her body is sending me over the top.


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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby tjw » Tue Sep 20, 2016 11:14 am

That can happen while looking in books, movies, or real life.


A few times she has made comments based on a man's looks. Only one has been a "real life" man, I mean, of course, the other men are indeed living people but they are from TV or the music industry, and not people she actually knows.

I've known her for nearly 40 years, although we have only been married for 6 years. Life took us through different paths than being each other's mate until we were both getting on in age.

You may have hit the key to this. She came to know me as a young musician who didn't know the Lord yet and I played in saloons and bar shows. I made a living at gospel music during the day as a recording engineer and session player. I continued a gospel music career after coming to know the Lord until I was 56 years old. She is a family member of a lady musician I worked with in my mid-20s. She has often expressed that she wishes I "played again". And, I have no interest in it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still love the Lord's music. If I were going to play, music about Him would be my choice.

She has expressed on a few occasions how she thought she was marrying this man. This man was a stage persona. The "real" me is introverted, shy, afraid of crowds (although, if I'm on the stage, it doesn't matter), and I am not the same man physically at 64 that I was at 25.

It is not uncommon for people in the performing arts to be introverts in "real life". I wonder if she would have had the same reaction if she married one of those men, upon finding out that his "real life" manner was quite different.


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