Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

What marriage resources have been helpful or encouraging to you?
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby ghostrider » Fri Sep 16, 2016 3:52 pm

SeekingChange wrote:Very well said SP.... I think many are missing the point and the motive behind the original purpose of the post and the share here.

I'm glad you shared it, and it makes sense that some women need reassurance of what attraction to their DH looks like.

But I do still wonder about the inverse. In the example of my friend above, what would a dangerous lack of attraction look like or not look like? What are the warning signs that something isn't normal ?

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby SeekingChange » Fri Sep 16, 2016 4:58 pm

I don't know if I really know the answer, but some things I think would show something is beyond "normal" is a wife despising her husband. Or when thoughts of another are very consuming, or thoughts start turning into action.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby poetess » Fri Sep 16, 2016 6:15 pm

Unfulfilled, interacting with a couple of points:

Potetsss, you stated about how you love and feel attracted to your husband and desire him when you take walks, or do things or talk together etc. that sexual "thing" is not a secondary at least sometimes issue.


When I said I "desire" him, I wasn't necessarily talking about sex. Don't get me wrong, I love having sex with him, and I initiate more often than he does, etc. But I'm talking about desiring him--his heart, his attention, his touch, his presence. That may or may not have a sexual component to it at the time. To me (and I think to most women) "desire" and "intimacy" are not necessarily synonyms for sex. Sex is a subset of these, not their entirety.

The problem I see in that whole description was that it was all about how YOU felt desire for your husband and that is critically important for sure. But I think what myself and Job and a few other guys are trying to say is that is all INVISIBLE to the husband. He is still left feeling and wondering if he is wanted and desired. It remains a mystery to be solved. Some men solve it, while I fear most men do not and are left wandering and wondering if their wife really wants or desires them.


I'm pretty sure my husband is not left wondering. Many times a day I kiss him, grope him, smile at him, hug him, meet small needs like refilling his water glass, tell him specific reasons I'm glad I married him, etc. Theoretically this may be true of some women, but in this case, no, I doubt it.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Unfulfilled » Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:04 pm

I was not trying to suggest you Poetess are having these issues. I was trying to use the example to show how if at some point the husband does not see something tangible the. He won't know and will doint and wonder.

You seem to touch and big etc with your husband often. My situation is FAR different the That. I'm a period of 8 weeks my wife literally only touched me 12 times outside of sex, and even when including the times we had sex over that time, I was only touched on average a single touch (outside of random in ode two touch) every OTHER day.

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby poetess » Fri Sep 16, 2016 8:27 pm

That would be lonely, Unfulfilled, and I'm sorry it is that way for you. One could definitely be left wondering if one's wife loves him if there is little to no evidence.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Learning1 » Sat Sep 17, 2016 6:11 am

I found this thread discussion very confusing. :?:

When I read almost all of the posts, I think, OK that makes sense, than another one disagrees with it and I well OK that makes sense too.

What is usually true for me, I have sexual desire for my husband. I would not have married him if I didn't. How he interacts with me, how attentive he is to me outside the bedroom can cause that desire to greatly increase or be greatly diminished.

On a purely hormonal level, about 4-5 days a month I have no physical desire for sex (I don't desire any form of human contact thing during those days I desire a warm blanket, my heating pad, red wine chocolate & creamy split pea soup). And becoming aroused during those days is near impossible. Does that mean I don't desire my husband ?

Also, there have been a few times in our marriage, where I have had a strong physical desire for sex but because of how he was acting at the time I had no desire for sex with him. I posted about it.

I have studied my DH and have asked him directly, what makes him feel sexually desired. I do those things or don't do other things. I think every person's marriage goal should be to have their husband or wife feel sexually desired and fulfilled.
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Simply ask your husband. Easy peasy.

Postby Job29Man » Sat Sep 17, 2016 8:21 am

Learning1 wrote:I found this thread discussion very confusing. :?:

I have a proposal that should make it simple.

Learning1 wrote:I think every person's marriage goal should be to have their husband or wife feel sexually desired and fulfilled.

This statement by you is excellent and is the core of my proposal. Rather than anyone being confused about "do I make my husband feel desired?" how about the wives with that confusion simply go and ask their husbands...

"Husband, do I act towards you in a way that clearly communicates to you that I desire you? Do you feel desired by me? Not just 'globally' in the sense of me being devoted to you; I'm talking about do I show you my desire in a way that you most want to receive my desire? And if it's just "sometimes" or "seldom" then tell me that. Give me an idea of what percentage of the time I show you my desire for you in the way that makes you think "She desires me!" Is it once a year? Once a month? Often? Seldom? Or is it even hard for you to remember the last time, or hard for you to recall more than a few times in our marriage after the newness of sex wore off and the children started arriving?"

What would happen to the state of marriage if every wife were to ask their husband that question? Especially if they asked with a heart that intended to change their ACTIONS to bring that answer to "Wife, I feel your desire in a meaningful way OFTEN. I am totally satisfied in this area."
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Re: Simply ask your husband. Easy peasy.

Postby seeking perspective » Sat Sep 17, 2016 9:07 am

Job29Man wrote:What would happen to the state of marriage if every wife were to ask their husband that question? Especially if they asked with a heart that intended to change their ACTIONS to bring that answer to "Wife, I feel your desire in a meaningful way OFTEN. I am totally satisfied in this area."

This thread prompted me to ask my husband about this yesterday, and this ^^^ is pretty much the answer I got. (He included a specific reference that would be way TMI to include here.)

It might be equally useful for a husband to ask his wife . . .

"Wife, do I act towards you in a way that clearly communicates to you that I love you? Do you feel loved by me? Not just specifically in the sense of me desiring you sexually; I'm talking about do I show you my love in a way that you most want to receive my love ? And if it's just "sometimes" or "seldom" then tell me that. Give me an idea of what percentage of the time I show you my love for you in the way that makes you think "He loves me!" Is it once a year? Once a month? Often? Seldom? Or is it even hard for you to remember the last time, or hard for you to recall more than a few times in our marriage after the newness of our love wore off and the chores, children, and bills started arriving?"

Although this is built on a lot of stereotypes, I have to say that even now that I know how much my husband loves me, the asking of this would totally melt my heart--and give me a lot of zing and tingles.
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Re: Simply ask your husband. Easy peasy.

Postby seeking perspective » Sat Sep 17, 2016 3:06 pm

seeking perspective wrote:
Job29Man wrote:What would happen to the state of marriage if every wife were to ask their husband that question? Especially if they asked with a heart that intended to change their ACTIONS to bring that answer to "Wife, I feel your desire in a meaningful way OFTEN. I am totally satisfied in this area."

This thread prompted me to ask my husband about this yesterday, and this ^^^ is pretty much the answer I got. (He included a specific reference that would be way TMI to include here.)


Well . . . it turns out I spoke too soon. I did ask him this yesterday, and that is what he said. Today I asked him again, and he hesitated before saying no. I'd apparently used a word other than "desire" yesterday, and he said he felt pressured and didn't have time to think (although he had very much perceived my desire on a specific occasion recently and that was what he was thinking about).

He says that he equates desire with a physical need for sex and that he simply doesn't see that from me much--although he knows I love him and enjoy sex with him. Sigh.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sat Sep 17, 2016 3:14 pm

SP, if that's how your dh defines desire then it doesn't seem to be something you can choose to do for him. If that's how all men define desire then I think they will mostly be perpetually disappointed. I don't think we can choose our physical needs, just our behavior.


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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby rdierdorf » Sat Sep 17, 2016 8:52 pm

In the musical "Fiddler on the Roof" Tevye asks his wife Goldie if she loves him. She says she washes his clothes, makes his meals, has borne his children, so why would he ask a crazy question like that? He persists, and she finally is able to say "I love you." That one time is enough for him. Because men tend to stuff their emotions down, when a man opens his heart to his wife and becomes emotionally naked and vulnerable with her, he is completely at her mercy.

I am totally satisfied with even a simple statement, or touch, or look that tells me that my wife desires me. Not just my body but ME. Men tend to pursue and women tend to want to be pursued because that's the way God made us. My wife does not have an easy time expressing her love for me verbally. So when she does say even a simple "I love you" it knocks me head over heels for her. I know it's not easy for her to say it, so it's even more appreciated.

I think a common theme from the men on this and other forums, is that wives, you need to know the incredible power your have over us husbands. Not just our bodies, but our hearts. Our hearts are in your hands, and some reassurance now and then is a steadying influence on a man. And men, we need to try to be the kind of men that would excite that kind of response from our wives. The things that make us attractive to our wives are much more than just our sexuality. A lot of making love happens fully clothed and outside of the bedroom.
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Re: Simply ask your husband. Easy peasy.

Postby Job29Man » Sun Sep 18, 2016 3:39 am

seeking perspective wrote:...I'd apparently used a word other than "desire" yesterday...


:D And that's at the core of this discussion. The thread title says "attracted" (from the wife's perspective). The discussion has turned to the husband's perspective of whether he feels "desired" (different word than attracted, but equivalent in the minds of many men).

My male mind simply cannot see a wife's "desire" as anything other than want to "be" with me, sexually. The "desire" being a desire to get physical.

Other possibilities?

Desire a deep conversation? No. That's "wanting to talk."
Desire a long walk in the neighborhood alone holding hands? No. That's "wanting to hold my hand."
Desire kissing? You're getting warmer.

My male mind only recognizes desire if it gets sexual.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Job29Man » Sun Sep 18, 2016 3:44 am

rdierdorf wrote:...I am totally satisfied with even a simple statement, or touch, or look that tells me that my wife desires me. Not just my body but ME.


Good post Rdierdorf, and welcome to TMB. Yup, my wife doesn't need to jump on me for me to figure out she desires me, a simple gesture of desire will suffice. I'll figure it out. And it is much sexier if she desires because she wants me for what kind of man I am, my character. You described it well.
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Re: Simply ask your husband. Easy peasy.

Postby marriedforlife90 » Sun Sep 18, 2016 3:53 am

Job29Man wrote:"Husband, do I act towards you in a way that clearly communicates to you that I desire you? Do you feel desired by me? Not just 'globally' in the sense of me being devoted to you; I'm talking about do I show you my desire in a way that you most want to receive my desire? And if it's just "sometimes" or "seldom" then tell me that. Give me an idea of what percentage of the time I show you my desire for you in the way that makes you think "She desires me!" Is it once a year? Once a month? Often? Seldom? Or is it even hard for you to remember the last time, or hard for you to recall more than a few times in our marriage after the newness of sex wore off and the children started arriving?"

Couldn't it be reversed? I asked my husband a version of this question and he explained how happy he was in this area that I did a great job. I knew exactly how to make him feel desired. I had never made him feel undesired. ( This was several years ago.) He did not turn around and ask me the same question. Which left me nowhere to go. When one person thinks the lovemaking is spectacular and great and the other one thinks it is lousy... Anyway, the question above could be asked of wives, not just the stupid housecleaning one below that one... I could care less about that. If we've had a rare fight, then sex makes me feel like everything is ok. Sex proves things are ok if that makes sense. I don't need to be perfectly happy with him to have sex.

As usual, most of these men vs. women things do not apply to us.

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Re: Simply ask your husband. Easy peasy.

Postby Job29Man » Sun Sep 18, 2016 6:01 pm

marriedforlife90 wrote:Couldn't it be reversed?
yes
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby tjw » Mon Sep 19, 2016 1:38 am

My male mind simply cannot see a wife's "desire" as anything other than want to "be" with me, sexually. The "desire" being a desire to get physical.

Amen.
if she desires because she wants me for what kind of man I am, my character.

Now, that's where the "rub" comes. If I am totally honest about it, I am resentful for being desired for what kind of man I am, in the absence of the physical desire.

I strongly want to be a Godly man, and strive to have impeccable character, although falling short, and I'm happy that my wife sees me as that. I think the resentment takes "root" in the fact that my wife has expressed physical desire for other men, even some of low degree, and some who she cannot possibly know anything about their character. But sex with me is more of a "duty" or a "job".

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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Job29Man » Mon Sep 19, 2016 4:34 am

tjw wrote:Now, that's where the "rub" comes. If I am totally honest about it, I am resentful for being desired for what kind of man I am, in the absence of the physical desire.
Sorry tjw, you lost me. I have no idea what you mean by this.

My meaning was that I want her to see the quality of man I am and then "be attracted to me physically" (i.e. want to have sex with me) because of that. You seem to be saying you would resent that if it would happen? And then in the next paragraph you seem to be saying that you resent that it doesn't happen? I'm unclear of your meaning.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby txtwindad » Mon Sep 19, 2016 5:43 am

Hiswifeagain wrote:SP, if that's how your dh defines desire then it doesn't seem to be something you can choose to do for him. If that's how all men define desire then I think they will mostly be perpetually disappointed. I don't think we can choose our physical needs, just our behavior.


SeakingPerspective wrote:He says that he equates desire with a physical need for sex and that he simply doesn't see that from me much--although he knows I love him and enjoy sex with him. Sigh.



Sure you can meet this need. You are making this way too difficult. I'll give you a secret that will work for most men, IMO. We equate agressive initiation with desire. Plan one time a month where you act this out. Pick a time when he's not stressed and distracted. Agressive initiation will mean different things in different relationships. It may be clearly and graphically wording your desire, it might be shoving him against the wall, it might be something else entirely. But it needs to communicate that you NEED him now. If you pull this off once a month, I think your husbands answer will be different in the future.

Pick your time carefully though. If he's distracted and stressed it can fall flat giving your self confidence a real blow.

Obviously this won't work in those marriages where the husband is resistant to sex.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby seeking perspective » Mon Sep 19, 2016 12:46 pm

Thanks for the suggestion. My husband has always said he's a pretty simple guy, so this should help.
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Re: Blog post: Being Attracted to your Husband

Postby Unfulfilled » Mon Sep 19, 2016 3:53 pm

This thread has been very interesting.

First off I think that the journey has shifted the conversation from the specific narrow context of the OP.
I think the OP was about the idea IF the wife didn't even realize if they were attracted to their husband. Then she ought to look for these things and recognize that those things ARE things that represent attractiveness.

I certainly agree that if a wife is NOT even aware whether or not she is attracted to her husband, it would be impossible for her to SHOW her husband that she was attracted to him.

I think that this is where the shift in the conversation started. Where several men (myself included) have then brought to the attention the other side of the equation. And that it was men need to feel or how THEY are aware that their wife finds them attractive. Because it seemed very clear to many of us, that there are many men whose wives may very much find their husbands attractive, yet the men have no clue about this invisible fact. And then went on to describe how these wives might want to be able to communicate that to their husbands.

Maybe I could put it this way: If a person is happy and never smiles, how is anyone else in the world supposed to know it? If a person is happy they MUST tell their face and smile, or do other outward signs that are immediately identifiable with happiness.

You see there may be many wives who are happy, but are NOT showing their faces when it comes to wanting/desire/attraction for their husband. So the husband is left feeling unwanted/undesired/unattractive. And several men described what types of things they are looking for in order to see the want/desire/attraction for them from their wives.

I now see that this thread has once again it seems to me ended up in a similar conundrum as several other threads over the years. At least in my opinion. It has come to the point where several women point out that desire for them doesn't work the way the men need it to in order to feel loved or attracted. And that the men just have to get used to it. Yet it seems to be the well held position that men have to adopt the woman's point of view of sexuality as the default and the men have to adapt and change behavior to meet their wife's need. Yet the women have little need to adapt to change their behavior to meet their husband's needs.

I think that it is important that we both need to adapt and change and understand the other genders differences, and make accommodations to do the best job we each can to meet the others need. Desire follows for woman, but the wife must also recognize the critical importance of her husbands need to be SHOWN that they are desired and wanted.

I will use an example I think I have used in the past that I think illustrates this. And it is in the concept of a gift. Many of us have heard: "It is better to give than receive". Or "it's the thought that counts". If a husband was to for example, buy the same box of chocolates from the same store every year for her birthday or anniversary. And she knows that it was a last minute purchase on his way home from work because he finally remembered and thought that he "had to" get something or else he was in trouble. The chances are that the wife is not too thrilled with this gift because she recognizes that there was little love or thought or anything "special" behind the gift. It was done more or less out of obligation and he was just going through the motions. But if the husband had researched or found out the exact kind of candy she liked, ordered it separately 3 weeks prior and went across the opposite side of town to go pick it up. I think the difference in how the same gift "a box of chocolate" would be received by the wife! She would have tangible evidence of her value and worth and desire he had to be with her and please her.
Now let's add a little twist: What if the husband knew what the special chocolates were, and had the intentions and really wanted to get the chocolates but still only got the "regular" chocolates? That he kept the special feelings only in his mind about how wonderful he would have liked to treat her to the extravagant chocolate. But he kept that all bottled up inside. How would the wife in this scenario be able to differentiate between the first example of obligation gift? She is unable to really know his true heart by the gift alone. She would have no visible or tangible proof or evidence of his heart.

This is true with the gift of affection and attraction and ultimately sex. Is the wife just going through the motions with obligation sex? Sure the gift is the same (sex). But the delivery and the heart is just as much felt by the husband in the duty sex and is left just as unfulfilled. It is after all the heart that matters. If the wife truly feels attracted to her husband but still only offers up a gift restrained as it from all outward appearances to be indistinguishable from the obligation sex/actions, he won't feel any more loved or desired or fulfilled. He has no tangible way to know what her heart really is. However a wife who tangibly makes concerted effort to show affection, desire and want of her man. (Be it a look, a word, a phrase, a wink, or the obvious hundreds of sexual things she can do) Only now will he truly be able to distinguish this and feel as if he is wanted/desired.

Just as the husband should show his wife the value and desire he has for his wife and to please her in the way SHE needs. Equally so, the wife must also show her husband the value and desire she has for him in the way HE needs.

For some reason it always seems to boil down in similar threads that it is the man who has to assume the female default sexual paradigm. And the man is left to live with not expecting his wife to meet his needs in the way he feels it. Why: Because, well, she is different. So men, just get used to it! Tough crunchies! This it seems to be summed up rather succinctly in an earlier paraphrased quote: If a man needs desire to be shown to him for him to know his wife is attracted to him, well then, he will live most of his life in disappointment.

I have read here the truth that men's or women's positions are not wrong, just different.
However, when the threads boil right down to it. It almost always distills down to the woman's position is just the way it is and the men should just learn to deal with it. And I'd hope to get the discussion back to the idea that each "side" has to learn and accept and change to best meet their spouses need. Understanding that it will be uncomfortable, even confusing, and outside their normal paradigm and behavior. But that effort is required and may be exactly one of the hardest things to implement with our love for our spouse.


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