Best questionnaire to reveal both spouses to each other?

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Job29Man
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Best questionnaire to reveal both spouses to each other?

Postby Job29Man » Sat Sep 24, 2016 9:50 am

I have a specific question. How can a questionnaire about relationship between two people best be constructed to reveal to each other what their spouse's beliefs about him/herself is, and how they think you perceive yourself and him/her?

Specifically, is there a way to ask predictive questions for maximum effect? I don't know if "predictive questions" is even a "thing." AFAIK I just made it up.

Example:

1. I am present and generous with sex for my spouse. True / False

If this had to be answered the following 6 ways, what would be the benefit? Is there already a formalized method / system of this kind of questioning?

1. Answer for yourself.
2. Assess your spouse. ("My spouse is generous with sex towards me. True / False")
3. How will your spouse assess him/herself?
4. How will your spouse assess you?
5. How does your spouse think you will assess yourself?
6. How does your spouse think you will assess him/her?
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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal the both spouses to each other?

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sat Sep 24, 2016 1:12 pm

Who are you trying to get to answer this questionnaire? What will it be used for?


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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal the both spouses to each other?

Postby marriedforlife90 » Sun Sep 25, 2016 2:59 am

I know I've seen several questionnaires that had you answer and then had your spouse answer. I'll try to see if I can find it.

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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal the both spouses to each other?

Postby Job29Man » Sun Sep 25, 2016 4:16 am

Hiswifeagain wrote:Who are you trying to get to answer this questionnaire? What will it be used for?


I have no questionnaire. I was wondering about marriage and sex counseling tools.

My actual question is for people who know about social science study interview/questionnaire methodology. At least that's what I'm hoping to learn.

Y'know those surveys that marriage counselors give to couples to try to get them talking with each other? Well, I'm wondering if sometimes they could be used to actually help each spouse understand the thinking of the other spouse.

Over and over we read on TMB posts by a spouse who says essentially...

"Our love life is lackluster. I try everything I can to get him/her interested, including all the outside-the-bedroom acts of kindness, care, etc, but he/she doesn't reciprocate. But I know in his/her mind 'everything is fine.'"

I'm wondering if a survey with like 10 questions, where you answer it 5 or 6 different ways and then compare the notes to each other, would disclose an Aha! to the clueless spouse? Like this;

Art's answers indicate: I'm a good lover and my wife is satisfied with my lovemaking, but I am not satisfied with my wife's lovemaking. She does the bare minimum, no creativity, barely get by, stingy.

Betty's answers indicate: I'm a good lover and I am satisfied with my husband's lovemaking. My husband is satisfied with my lovemaking. He thinks I am creative and generous in bed.

By putting all the perspectives together in a composite statement for each person the "disconnections from reality" become instantly apparent and provide the basis for discussion. You can do the same thing with a directed conversation of course, with a third person directing the questions and enforcing that the answers are stated exactly according to the format.

I was thinking that in the 10 question survey, asked from 6 different angles it would be possible to evaluate the thinking of each person like this;

"Art you have a realistic grasp of the situation in your marriage. Your thinking is spot on. Betty, your husband is thinking realistically and understands the level of satisfaction you have in your marriage. But you live in a false reality. You think your marriage bed is great but your husband does not. Betty, you are evading the truth of your situation. You need to pay attention and see where your assessment of yourself is unrealistic and false. Most of the change in thinking in this marriage needs to be done by Betty, not Art."

It frustrates me that much counseling implies that "every problem is 50/50" and both spouses need to compromise equally. But in fact sometimes the problems in a marriage bed are 80, 90, 99% all on one side, and it does no one any favors to avoid that truth. There is a way to confront it in love, without attacking, but that way is not by saying "you both are at fault, you both need to change equally."
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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal both spouses to each other?

Postby poetess » Sun Sep 25, 2016 1:48 pm

Job, maybe this is a bit "devil's advocate," but that might not be at all what you're discovering from said survey. What might really be the truth is that in fact the wife is extremely generous, creative, etc., but the only real disconnect is that her husband is not satisfied. Perhaps he is a person who is never satisfied no matter what (I've known a few such people in my life . . . I'm blessed that my husband is nowhere near in that camp, but I've known such people). Perhaps he is grumpy because she is on her period or she's just getting over the flu, so he said today what he wouldn't usually say. Or perhaps she is generous and creative but she said "no" to anal, and he is seeing everything through a distorted lens.

What I would say is that a questionnaire like that probably wouldn't stand on its own, simply because sex is not the whole relationship. Even if you find out that one of them isn't very generous sexually, you still haven't found out "why." Maybe she has a hard time having sex with him because she doesn't trust him, and there can be any number of reasons for that. Or maybe they're already having sex five days a week and she's already at her limit of creativity. Or each and every time causes her pain, or she's having a hard time getting over her recent discovery of his porn stash.
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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal both spouses to each other?

Postby Job29Man » Sun Sep 25, 2016 2:56 pm

True enough, which is why I first framed it as "marriage and sex." I still have a gut feeling that by asking each spouse to predict the other's response, and to predict how their spouse will grade them, and how their spouse will predict their responses one can get to the core discussion about who is ignoring what in the marriage and who is even paying attention to their spouse's satisfaction level.


Art and Betty, you both agree that Art is doing a great job of ABC, in your marriage.

But you both disagree about how Betty is doing ABC in the marriage. Betty, you think you are doing great in ABC and you are certain that Art is happy with your ABC, but he's extremely dissatisfied with your ABC. Have you two ever talked about this? Let's focus on Betty's ABC. (Don't worry about Art's ABC).
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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal both spouses to each other?

Postby Job29Man » Sun Sep 25, 2016 3:05 pm

Frankly, what I'm hoping to hear is something like...

"Job, this 10 question/6 angles survey of which you speak is pretty much like the classic "Algomorphic" survey invented by Dr Haasenpfeffer in 1938 to measure and diagnose radio miscommunications among pilots in outer Slobenia. It's analyzed by a Chi-square analysis in such and such a way. You can learn more about it here."

Y'know those online questionnaires where you can "Measure your ABC factor in your relationship" with an anonymous and free 5 minute survey online? I was pondering whether a tool like that could be developed for couples to take without comparing answers until the very end, that can help identify the big disconnects in their marriage in several areas measured.
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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal both spouses to each other?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Sun Sep 25, 2016 3:10 pm

As a therapist, this is what counseling is all about- uncovering wrong/ harmful thinking and behaviors. I was never trained to think that most problems are 50/50 in a marital therapy setting. I was trained to assist the client/clients to uncover the truth and encourage the communication, the reframing, retraining, etc for change to occur. This is the beauty of therapy- why not ask those questions which stimulate honest answers about each person's perceptions of themselves in the bedroom, in the actual session? Why does it have to be on paper? A lot of good comes from hearing ourselves say things in front of people- in a safe setting.
~HM Kate

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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal both spouses to each other?

Postby Job29Man » Sun Sep 25, 2016 3:42 pm

Agreed HM, in person is better. But I have this gut feeling that 99 of us will take an anonymous online quiz for every one of us who'll agree to go into counseling as a couple. I just figured "Hey. It's a free online quiz; what could that harm?"
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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal both spouses to each other?

Postby SquarePants » Sun Sep 25, 2016 4:04 pm

You may have already considered this, but my first thought was that maybe it would be beneficial to include various degrees of True/False. This Wiki article on the Likert Scale is what I was thinking.

The analysis and interpretation gets more complicated, but it may be more useful. I can see where a non-confrontational spouse may inclined to answer "True," when she really feels only "Partially True" or only "Partially Agrees" with the statement that her husband is a generous lover.

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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal both spouses to each other?

Postby Unfulfilled » Sun Sep 25, 2016 4:19 pm

I remember going through pre marital preparation/classes as part and recommended by the church. Part of those prep sessions involved each of us taking standardized test of some sort. Multiple choice usually and was pretty extensive as I recall. Dealing with all sorts of behaviors, responses and various aspects in life.

As it turned out with the charts and graphs we were very compatible. EXCEPT where sex was involved. Where we had significant divergence. Not the extent the priest really tried to talk with us and even seemed to have concern that this would be a major trouble area. And that turned out to be exactly spot on!

The test was in fact at least for us very accurate. As we do, and have gotten along very well. But sex has been a constant source of hardache for our entire marriage.

So I think there already are tests out there. But I think they are and would need to be far more extensive than 6 to 10 questions.

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Re: Best questionnaire to reveal both spouses to each other?

Postby The Twit » Mon Sep 26, 2016 10:35 am

My thought on this. Is there a way to get their original responses to pre-marital questionnaires or workbooks? Review how they answered then and compare how they would answer today? The reason I say that is in our clean up after a minor flood in the basement I found the book we went through in our premarital counseling. It had many questions in the back. I can tell you I have a few modifications to my answers and I know my wife has a few of her own based on how we have grown individually and as a team. Some together more and some diverging apart. I am thinking that something like this can start discussions where we know what has changed yet we can now delve into the how and why there are changes.

If you cannot get the original questionnaire I am thinking simple on-line, Cosmopolitan type questionnaire could work but it would require both the husband and the wife to answer and then the results would be tied together with potential talking points for the couple to start their own private conversation which could then lead to a time of meeting with others outside of the marriage for more advise and teaching.


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