5 Love Languages

What marriage resources have been helpful or encouraging to you?
Her Husband
Newbie
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 10:05 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 16th, 1998
Gender: Male

5 Love Languages

Postby Her Husband » Wed Nov 16, 2016 3:40 pm

I have been re-reading this book and I started thinking about something. Is it possible for someone to "hear" love in one language, but, not "speak" love in that same (or any) language? Or, am I just not hearing it?

DW and I read this book several years ago and it made a lot of sense. According to the survey, DW's love language is acts of service followed by words of affirmation and quality time tied as secondary languages. All three are very close; she almost had all three tied for primary love language.

Anyway, I've tried to make a lot of effort to show her love by doing things around the house, cleaning, etc and being encouraging, giving her notes telling her how wonderful she is. There seems to be very little response back. She seems content to retreat to her desk after dinner and watch videos and do scrapbooking projects. To be honest, I feel alone much of the time. I think if it was possible for me to handle all of the household duties, she would be thrilled because it would give her even more time with her projects. Any spare time she has gets filled up with her projects and I just seem to be an afterthought.

doug-h
Hammock
Posts: 1241
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: 5 Love Languages

Postby doug-h » Thu Nov 17, 2016 6:55 am

HH,

The love languages concept is great, as it allows you to identify possible ways to express love, or alternately to show how you recieve love best. It was helpful for me because I am something of an emotional midget, and really didn't understand the concept, even as it related to my own feelings.

That said, it can not solve a singletter problem by itself. It takes not only understanding, but acting on. In your case, I would say that a lot more conversation is in order. It takes time and understanding to break down old habits, but more importantly, it takes being deliberate.

It might be that you have to just spell things out, in a non-confrontational way for a while.
I have found that little nudges are more effective than large pushes.

I don't know, but I would guess that you are being very active in giving love, but passive as receiving it. It might seem counterintuitive, but you can take an active role in recieving. The level that works is somewhat dependent on which language. If it is non sexual touch, nothing prevents you from initiating a hug. Over the course of 18 months, I have managed to establish that as a part of our day. I know I benefit, and I think DW does. I am very deliberate about making sure it happens regularly thru out the day, and she is usually less deliberate. It is not unusual for me to stand at the door and actually tell her I'm not leaving before my hug, if she forgets. I ALWAYS get my hug. We also spend a lot of time sitting together outside on the patio. I find that it eliminates distractions and allows us to better connect, than in the living room.

Thsee are just a few examples, but there are others. You can take a more active role, even if that role is limited to keeping the matter on the table instead of waiting for a change. Look for ways to encourage change, and don't give up after bringing it up and being rebutted. My DW has not taken the test, and would likely be surprised to see how much she has changed.

It isn't perfect, it isn't easy, and there will always be an opportunity to be disappointed, so try to work on little things at a time.

Unfulfilled
Hammock
Posts: 1057
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 3:08 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 5th, 1989
Gender: Male

Re: 5 Love Languages

Postby Unfulfilled » Thu Nov 17, 2016 7:33 am

Your original post detailed a lot of what your DW love language(s) are. But you failed to mention what your primary love language is. I suspect since a large portion of your post indicated that she retreats to be by herself that your primary love language may be quality time. And that fact may explain why it bothers you so much that you "feel alone".

As the previous poster stated, it is important to communicate to your wife how hurt you feel that her playing with her programs seem more important to her than you do. And remind her of that your primary love language is quality time indicates your love tank is running on empty. As stated old habits die hard. She may not even realize that she is taking you for granted and that she is not upholding her end of the relationship in this area. It doesn't have to be rude or confrontational but more like a friendly reminder.

All you can do is change what you have control over. It sounds like you are doing your part to at least try to meet her love language needs. The fact that your wife scores so evenly among all the 5 languages makes it hard in one way, because if she takes the test on different days it may result in a different order. On the other hand, it makes it somewhat easy on you as any action of any of the love languages has the ability to fill her love tank to some extent.

Your example can be motivating to our spouse. But there is absolutely zero guarantee that it will result in reciprocation on her part. That doesn't give you the right to stop doing your best to meet her needs. But it understandably can result in frustration that your efforts seems to go unnoticed and unreciprocated.

BTW: I do know how you feel. My DW is acts of service and it doesn't seem to matter what I do, it is not enough or goes unnoticed, I'm often criticized for not "doing it right". (whatever it is that I did)

So I feel your pain.
Last edited by Unfulfilled on Tue Nov 22, 2016 2:13 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Her Husband
Newbie
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 10:05 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 16th, 1998
Gender: Male

Re: 5 Love Languages

Postby Her Husband » Sat Nov 19, 2016 8:18 am

My love language is physical touch affording to the questionare. I was surprised at how low I ranked on the others because several of the others are things that are important to me. Acts of service and words of affirmation are things that I feel come natural to me. I feel like the wording of the questions can drive a result that is tinted by your spouse's love language. For example, if the questions are, "I like it when my spouse does X" and "I like it when my spouse does Y" what if your spouse does do "X" but does sometimes do "Y". You might prefer "X", but, your driven to answer "Y" since that is one that you spouse actually does. It won't always result that way, but, it can.

I have communicated more than once that I feel like she avoids me, but, I don't get much response. She has never been very open when discussing topics like this. She tends to listen and not offer much in response. I used to write her love notes more often, but, she indicated that I was trying too hard, so I stopped for a while. I've asked if there's something I need to do more or better to get more physical attention. Her answer was no. When we read the love language book before, she said sex was something she just doesn't feel a great need for. She said she enjoyed it, but, it wasn't a priority for her. It seems most things she's interested in that don't involve me are what she makes a priority.
Last edited by Her Husband on Tue Nov 22, 2016 8:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Vanna
King bed
Posts: 746
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 20th, 1994
Gender: Female
Location: Texas

Re: 5 Love Languages

Postby Vanna » Sat Nov 19, 2016 11:35 pm

Did she always seem ambivalent about physical touch before you married- hand holding, hugs, kissing? Or did the transition take place after marriage? Does she pull away if you hold her hand or hug away from home?
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5135
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: 5 Love Languages

Postby SeekingChange » Sun Nov 20, 2016 7:36 am

To the questions in the OP, this is what I have noticed, in my love language, I am much more sensitive to the heart behind it. For example, my top LL is gifts. Just the fact my husband might get me a gift doesn't mean I will necessarily feel loved, actually it can make me feel even more unloved. From my child, a gift chosen from the dollar store, I love. From my husband, a gift from the dollar store says, you aren't worth any sacrifice, money, time, effort, etc....basically you're only worth to me the $1 this gift cost.

Another example of backfire, my husband does go out of his way with thought and effort and sacrifices, I love it! But as soon as he starts griping, and complaining about the money it cost, the time it took, or he "should have never done.... " boom, the meaning and the love originally felt, gone. Why? Because every grumble, complaint, regret is not spoken about the gift, but directly about me.

You mention Acts of Service...is there something you are doing that actually is backfiring, and making it have a negative impact on her, because she is much more sensitive to the heart behind it? When you are doing something around the house, are you griping about "why is this so messy?", or how you don't want to do it, or you do not have the time to do it, or say anything that could be interpreted as you trying to make her feel guilty for not doing it herself? Guilt is a "love" killer, whether it's about the time, cost or effort. A husband choosing to rub a wife's back, but in the midst starts complaining about his time and he "should be doing [this instead]"...guilt. More damage has been done then good.

I am guessing, if you would look at your own LL, you could attest to this. Physical touch, a cold hug, or negative words said before, during, or after a show of touch...can make you feel worse than if she never touched you at all. You are more sensitive to the heart behind it.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

Her Husband
Newbie
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 10:05 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 16th, 1998
Gender: Male

Re: 5 Love Languages

Postby Her Husband » Tue Nov 22, 2016 8:41 am

Vanna wrote:Did she always seem ambivalent about physical touch before you married- hand holding, hugs, kissing? Or did the transition take place after marriage? Does she pull away if you hold her hand or hug away from home?

She has never really initiated affection even before we were married. She doesn't pull away unless she's engaged in an activity and I try to get a hug or kiss. And then, she doesn't always pull away, but, when she does it feels like she'd rather be anywhere else.

SeekingChange wrote:To the questions in the OP, this is what I have noticed, in my love language, I am much more sensitive to the heart behind it. For example, my top LL is gifts. Just the fact my husband might get me a gift doesn't mean I will necessarily feel loved, actually it can make me feel even more unloved. From my child, a gift chosen from the dollar store, I love. From my husband, a gift from the dollar store says, you aren't worth any sacrifice, money, time, effort, etc....basically you're only worth to me the $1 this gift cost.


For us, gifts are usually pretty specific. If there's something she'd really like, she gives me the info so I don't have to guess. I'm pretty much the same, so, I think we're both on the same wavelength on this.

Another example of backfire, my husband does go out of his way with thought and effort and sacrifices, I love it! But as soon as he starts griping, and complaining about the money it cost, the time it took, or he "should have never done.... " boom, the meaning and the love originally felt, gone. Why? Because every grumble, complaint, regret is not spoken about the gift, but directly about me.

I guess I don't see the point of complaining about it. If your doing it while complaining, it's really not being done out of love. Complaining doesn't help get anything done, either. I love doing things for my wife, why complain about doing something that makes the person you love happy?

User avatar
C_Brown
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1314
Joined: Fri Jun 07, 2013 6:08 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1984
Gender: Male

Re: 5 Love Languages

Postby C_Brown » Tue Nov 22, 2016 9:34 am

Her Husband wrote:Anyway, I've tried to make a lot of effort to show her love by doing things around the house, cleaning, etc and being encouraging, giving her notes telling her how wonderful she is. There seems to be very little response back. She seems content to retreat to her desk after dinner and watch videos and do scrapbooking projects. To be honest, I feel alone much of the time. I think if it was possible for me to handle all of the household duties, she would be thrilled because it would give her even more time with her projects. Any spare time she has gets filled up with her projects and I just seem to be an afterthought.


Have you said any of this to her? You seem to be meeting her needs but that doesn't mean she is going to be able to read your mind and know if she is meeting yours. Sometimes when a spouse is happy and feels loved they take it as meaning everything is fine. They assume that if there was a problem you wouldn't be so nice, or some people just take things for granted or tend to be self centered and need a gentle reminder that it needs to be a two way street.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

Her Husband
Newbie
Posts: 6
Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2016 10:05 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 16th, 1998
Gender: Male

Re: 5 Love Languages

Postby Her Husband » Tue Nov 22, 2016 3:09 pm

Yes, I have. I've mentioned that it seems like she avoids me sometimes and asked if there is something I've done or am doing. And she said no. When I've tried discussing this things become pretty uncomfortable and she gets pretty short with me.

Unfulfilled
Hammock
Posts: 1057
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 3:08 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 5th, 1989
Gender: Male

Re: 5 Love Languages

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Nov 22, 2016 6:43 pm

Question:

What are her other friendships and relationships like?

Is she able to have really long lasting and very intimate relationship with others? Or will she only allow people to get just "so close" and then when others try to get really intimate she finds a way to back off? Or find some excuse to think that they only want something "from" her. That they are using her and don't "really" believe they genuinely like or love her?

Does she like or love be herself? Does she feel "worthy" of being loved?

Does she throw herself into work and is high performing and "always" busy?

You said that other things are a higher priority that you are to her. What things other than her scrap booking are in your opinion a higher priority?


Return to “Marriage Books, Resources, Sites”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users