Page 1 of 1

Haven't Found 1 Good Book- Help.

Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 12:20 pm
by paperplane
I am a reader. Before I got married, I probably read at least 10 highly-recommended Christian marriage books. I wanted to learn all I could so that I could be a wise, loving wife to my future husband.

In engagement to my now husband, we read about 3 books together (mostly involving healthy marriage advice). Post marriage, we've read about 3. All three books have dealt with the issue of sex within marriage.

Problem: I generally feel lied to. Every single book makes the same, outdated assumptions about the status of sexual intimacy in Christian marriage relationships. Let's see if I can summarize them in one big list: wife rejects sex, men are insatiable when it comes to sex, men are visual, women need emotional connection, each person should work to satisfy each other, men like variety, women aren't adventurous and are insecure, women have low sex drive, etc. etc. etc. I've read it all. I'm sick of these age-old assumptions that seem to apply less and less to myself and other wifes that I talk to within my generation.

Where is a good book? Where is the book that describes the relationship opposite of the stereotypes described in the Christian literature?
I have the high drive. I am (was) confident in my sexuality and was generally very adventurous in bed. I am both visual and need the emotional connection. I've tried so many things to get my husband interested in having sex with me, to no avail. From all of these books I've read, my husband should feel so loved and pursued sexually! Where is that book? Where are those articles?

Background:
We are both in our 20's and are on year 2 of marriage.
Our sex life is drab and lifeless. Every other aspect is loving and Christ-centered. We are the closest of friends.
We've had no prior sexual relationships and were not sexually intimate until marriage.
He has been "sober" from porn for about 2 years now, it was "spotty" (not addiction level) prior to these two years. I have never shamed him for his past sins regarding porn, instead I celebrate his success in fighting it often and with large amounts of praise.
No abuse, healthy families, no symptoms of low T (other than no drive), no known guilt or shame.

Any suggestions from anyone?

Re: Haven't Found 1 Good Book- Help.

Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 2:00 pm
by Leah
I definitely agree. There are no Christian marriage books that teach a full biblical sexuality. They rely on the same, warmed-over worldly ideas they have always taught.

Re: Haven't Found 1 Good Book- Help.

Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 2:24 pm
by Job29Man
Dear PaperPlane,

Welcome to TMB. I hope your time here is profitable. Your post seems focused on behavior or learning as a solution. But please consider that his low interest might be an organic imbalance. Sometimes it's about low Testosterone. This could be caused by age, or also by other things. Have you looked into that? There are a lot of really good threads about it here on TMB. Look up "low T" if you are interested. Also past sexual abuse or emotional abuse or highly dysfunctional upbringing can have an effect.

Job29Man

Re: Haven't Found 1 Good Book- Help.

Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 4:10 pm
by SLS
paperplane wrote:Let's see if I can summarize them in one big list: wife rejects sex, men are insatiable when it comes to sex, men are visual, women need emotional connection, each person should work to satisfy each other, men like variety, women aren't adventurous and are insecure, women have low sex drive, etc. etc. etc. I've read it all. I'm sick of these age-old assumptions that seem to apply less and less to myself and other wifes that I talk to within my generation.


It is often easier for people to believe and repeat stereotypes than do their own research on a subject. That can very damaging to those who, like you, don't fit the stereotypical model.

Where is a good book? Where is the book that describes the relationship opposite of the stereotypes described in the Christian literature?


I read a couple of Christian books about sex in the leadup to my marriage (Celebration of Sex by Rosenau was one). I thought it was pretty good but it has been 4 years since I read it. To be honest a lot of my education about sexual matters came from reading posts on this site and blogs like The Generous Husband, Hot, Holy, and Humorous, One Flesh Marriage, Intimacy in Marriage, Christian Friendly Sex Positions, etc. rather than books.

I know that a number of these blogs have written wonderful posts about marriages where the woman is the higher drive spouse. (Here is a link to one from HHH: http://hotholyhumorous.com/2011/07/she- ... esnt-want/)

Our sex life is drab and lifeless. Every other aspect is loving and Christ-centered. We are the closest of friends.

<snip>

Any suggestions from anyone?


You mention that your sex life is drab and lifeless and your husband isn't interested in having sex. Have you asked him why he is avoiding intimacy with you? The first step to solving problems in the marriage bed is admitting that there are problems in the marriage bed and communicating about them. Have y'all had a discussion outside the bedroom where you talk about what makes sex the most fulfilling for both of you? Maybe he has heard the stereotypes above and thinks that you don't have a higher drive.

Praying for you and your marriage.

Re: Haven't Found 1 Good Book- Help.

Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 6:37 pm
by tractor
So sorry for your frustration especially of not being able to find good books to address your situation.

Over the years, I have read or browsed most Christian sex books that have gained much traction, and I agree, that I can not think of one of them that is primarily addressed to higher desire wives. There are a few books and a few blog posts/podcasts that will make mention that 25 to 30 % of marriages have a higher desire wife, and give a few suggestions, but it is the stray broadcast or post or book chapter that addresses it, which is unfortunate.

If I remember correctly, MIchelle Weiner Davis in "The Sex Starved Marriage" does a great job at going back and forth about how the high and low drive spouse thinks and feels regardless of their gender, plus I think some gender specifics. It is not a Christian book but she is very pro marriage and that book might give you some solid ideas.

I believe there might have been one podcast on Sexy Marriage Radio about high desire wives- but you would need to look through the podcast list to find it.

Another issue that is seldom mentioned in Christian literature is that some women can truly crave and love a great quickie. Most Christian literature may suggest that it might be wise to incorporate a quickie every now and then to satisfy the husband, but it is almost always presented as a less than ideal alternative, where some wives truly do love quickies in and of themselves not just as a half measure.

Re: RE: Haven't Found 1 Good Book- Help.

Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 7:17 pm
by love2
Liked this book a lot: Kiss Me Like You Mean It: Solomon's Crazy in Love How-To Manual It acknowledged that sometimes wife wants more sex but didn't spend a lot of time on it. Has couples questions at the end of every chapter. We worked through it trading off reading chapters out loud and answered the questions

Re: Haven't Found 1 Good Book- Help.

Posted: Mon Sep 11, 2017 8:35 am
by rn2god
Standby, I am about to publish a book that touches on this very subject and more. It is more of a broad brush on many such topics that are assumed and perpetuated by our culture and the church. It may not address marriage and sex in the detail you desire, but it certainly is an attempt to expose many of the conventions and practices that have become the norm. It asks the question, "why do you do what you do" on a variety of provocative subjects.