SHEET MUSIC by Dr. Kevin Leman

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BlesdAlMom

SHEET MUSIC by Dr. Kevin Leman

Postby BlesdAlMom » Tue Jul 20, 2004 6:46 am

Ok, I bought Sheet Music and finished reading it.....

What are/were everyone's thoughts on it?

What were the emotions you experienced while reading it? (I think I had a pretty uncommon emotion)

For those of you with reluctant spouses or even spouses who WANT to fix the marriage but aren't as "gung ho" about it as you, how did you discuss the book with them? If they read it, did anything change and did they enjoy the book?

Did anyone disagree with Dr. Leman's generalization of men and women throughout the book? If so, have you found a book that isnt so broad in its views of men and women?

Does anyone find it odd that even with the openness of today's culture that women are still viewed as the cold one in the marriage and the men still as the "sex starved spouse"? Does anyone else get that feel when reading these Intimate Marital Issues books?

Basically, I am just curious about everyone's specific opinions about the book and if there was anything you didn't agree with Dr. Leman about.

Kwho1969

Re: Sheet Music...Opinions...Anyone...

Postby Kwho1969 » Tue Jul 20, 2004 7:40 am

BlesdAlMom wrote:Ok, I bought Sheet Music and finished reading it.....

What are/were everyone's thoughts on it?


I really enjoyed the book and will almost certainly re-read it again.

BlesdAlMom wrote:What were the emotions you experienced while reading it? (I think I had a pretty uncommon emotion)


My emotions ran the whole gammut from guilt, understanding, laughter, crying. The emotion/actions that stick out most to me however is during my time reading sheet music to DW, many times I have had to stop and compose myself to keep from crying. Its hard to read outloud while your voice is trembling and your quivering. Just last night I was reading to her and as we where finishing Ch. 15 (The winter chapter), at the end of the chapter where he describes the Elderly couple in the mall had me trembling again, just imagining ourselves as that couple in 30 years or so.

Ok, now I have spilled the beans by telling that I cried while reading the book. What was your "pretty uncommon emotion"?

BlesdAlMom wrote:For those of you with reluctant spouses or even spouses who WANT to fix the marriage but aren't as "gung ho" about it as you, how did you discuss the book with them? If they read it, did anything change and did they enjoy the book?


Im lucky in that my DW loves to hear me read to her, unfortunatly, this also seems to put her to sleep so it takes ages to finish a book in this method. The changes I have seen thus far are what I would consider somewhat minor. But, she is now recognizing that I DO need sex more often than her and that its not just that my drive is "Way to high". She has been trying to improve in this area. But, with her being 8 weeks pregnant, she is really wiped out physically most of the time and I am trying desperatly to not pressure on her.

BlesdAlMom wrote:Did anyone disagree with Dr. Leman's generalization of men and women throughout the book? If so, have you found a book that isnt so broad in its views of men and women?


For the most part, he is pretty much on, at least in our cases he was.

BlesdAlMom wrote:Does anyone find it odd that even with the openness of today's culture that women are still viewed as the cold one in the marriage and the men still as the "sex starved spouse"? Does anyone else get that feel when reading these Intimate Marital Issues books?


Since this is the first "Intimate Marital Issues book" we have read in quite sometime I cant speak for other books. But, I do beleive that generally speaking, it is generally the Husband who is the "sex starved spouse" while the wife is "the cold one". The reason for the majority of this is our culture itself. We teach our girls that good girls dont do that and only prostitutes and sluts do. We still dont do a good enough job of teaching our children what a christ centered marriage and marriage bed should look like. We fail miserably in teaching our Sons and Daughters that sex in a christ centered marriage is a wonderfully beautifull virtually unlimited thing. We pound into our children all during their early years that they are not to receive any pleasure from their private parts and we never teach them otherwise as they become adults.

Shulamite-in-Training

Postby Shulamite-in-Training » Tue Jul 20, 2004 11:01 am

I LOVED it!!! But I'm a die-hard fan of Kevin Lehman's anyway, so I knew I 'd love it.

I especially love his no-nonsense, let's-get-down-and-call-it-what-it-is transparency - he writes like me! And he's funny! And real! And smart! And he REALLY likes sex! And he loves God!

What's not to like!?!

I read it, underlined it, highlighted it, wrote in it, dog-eared the pages, and then gave it to my husband. Not because I think he "needs" to read it, but because I just want to share it with him, since I enjoyed it so much.

My husband hasn't had the pleasure of hanging out on this board ... though with what's happened, and seeing how I'm now a local celebrity (the "Hussy from Hell") & all, he's quite curious to see what the fuss is all about. So, I've encouraged him to read my posts at least (so he can see exactly why we've been "excommunicated"). He's enjoyed what I've shared with him from my posts and other's posts (some of you are downright hysterically funny!), and I've shared the names of those who've asked me to pray.

(oops - off topic rabbit trail!)

Anyway, I love Sheet Music, and I also recommend "Intimate Issues" (again!) to any woman who just doesn't yet have the joy of a liberated libido!

Anyone who openly, joyously, transparently, humorously discusses God's view of sex in a book (or on websites!) is admired by me!

Shalom,
You Know Who

BlesdAlMom

Re: Sheet Music...Opinions...Anyone...

Postby BlesdAlMom » Tue Jul 20, 2004 1:28 pm

I really enjoyed the book. Like D (I suppose she is trying to regain her anonnimity, so I won't use her name) I admire anyone in our culture who can frankly speak about sex without fear of offending.

I have plans of buying more of his books, next on my list is "Sex Begins in the Kitchen".

Kwho1969 wrote:
Ok, now I have spilled the beans by telling that I cried while reading the book. What was your "pretty uncommon emotion"?


Well I laughed, but my overall emotion was feeling depressed after reading it. I should say though that I have found that recently I have become increasingly depressed so this wasn't surprising to me, but I imagine its not an emotion that most had when reading the book.

Why was I depressed? Because I want SO badly to have what he expressed in the book and the picture he painted of a sexually satisfied couple.

Its pathetic but I get depressed these days reading some of the posts around here as well. The book just brought it to my attention that I have been doing it.

So that was my uncommon emotion.....But overall I loved the book, I think its a wonderful book. I hope that dh reads it through and he gets the "lightbulb moments" like I did. Im not saying that he is the one with all the problems, please do not misunderstand, I am saying that it will take both of us having those moments to get where we need to be sexually and intimately speaking.

One thing I never realized could hurt my DH was my habit of discussing our married life with my best girlfriend. I never gave graphic details, but still I broke that trust and I cried when I realized that I very well could have hurt his feelings by discussing any problem or anything with her. I think that is one thing women do without realizing that its not healthy for the marriage. I think women in general like to talk and "sound off" about the different problems they have (in specifics) and they do not realize what they are doing.


I did disagree with the generalization of men and women, mainly because I am NOT a cold wife, and I do not deny my husband no matter how tired I am.

I wish he had discussed the flip side of it because I know I am not the only woman who complains about wanting MORE, not less.

Needless to say, I took most of what he said to heart and I believe its something all couples should read.

hiswifeslover

Postby hiswifeslover » Tue Jul 20, 2004 3:33 pm

DW is reading it and has read a couple of chapters out loud to me. She got part way through and then quit reading. I have not asked why yet, but I suspect that it is tough reading for her - uncomfortable - and she has been busy with a number of demands this summer. I'd like her to finish so I can read it, but I am not going to pressure her on it.
Last edited by hiswifeslover on Thu Aug 26, 2004 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

shar

Postby shar » Thu Jul 22, 2004 9:04 pm

I just finished reading this book (after seeing it hyped so much here and elsewhere, I gave in) and I LOVED IT! Now, I am not usually one of those types who jumps on the 'popular book bandwagon.' I never read Harry Potter until this year, and while I like the books, I'm not a rabid fan. I NEVER had any desire to read the Left Behind books, or Purpose Driven Life, nor have I read Prayer of Jabez, etc., etc....but for this book, I will jump on the bandwagon. I thought it was well-written and entertaining, and I hope dh will read it. (We are newlyweds so we are still getting into our 'groove.' :wink: ) I am already trying to put a few of the little tips into play, hopefully dh will appreciate it! :)

shoe

"Sheet Music"

Postby shoe » Fri Jul 23, 2004 1:08 pm

I read "Sheet Music" and "Sex Begins in the Kitchen". After reading "Sheet Music", I made the mistake of handing it to my DW who took that as an indication that she has a problem. After much apologizing on my part and assuring her that I don't think she has a problem, she is now reading it, VERY SLOWLY! ::arg. I can't wait for her to finish so we can then discuss it in detail and deal with some of the issues that WE have and how to deal with them. Just the apology session led to some of the most open and honest discussion about sex that we've ever had. I believe that "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" is just for ME and I don't expect DW to read it unless she chooses. Dr. Leman gave me a better understanding of love languages than Gary Chapman does in his book about love languages. Another good reference point from Dr. Leman his book on birth order. I for one am delighted that Christian authors are dealing with sexual intimacy in a way that most churches won't touch. I was recently in a men's group at our church that dealt with being a bette husband and the embarassment during the "sexual" discussions was very evident. I'd really like to know some of their reactions to discussion forums like these :shock: Anyway, I hope to use what I'm learning here to make our next 36 years even better than the first 36, which have been great.

InGodsgracenow

Postby InGodsgracenow » Thu Jul 29, 2004 2:37 pm

I finished the book today. I am hoping that I can suggest to DH that he let me read it to him - instead of him reading it because that just won't happen.

I found that it was more geared towards men not getting the sex and the woman being cold - but there were some parts that did talk about it being the other way around. Although there were few and far between.

I had a hard time reading it because it was me thinking about what I was missing out on. Especially about the aging part (The Winter Months).

Still it was great insite and hopefully my DH will let me read it to him...

happybride

Postby happybride » Mon Nov 08, 2004 11:01 am

My husband and I each read *all* of Sheet Music prior to marriage, and we did not find it to be anything we hadn't already heard/seen in the secular world but now with a good, Christian perspective. So we appreciated the info. But we did not grow up sheltered, and we're old (in the average age of newlyweds sense).

InGodsgracenow

Postby InGodsgracenow » Fri Dec 03, 2004 11:03 am

I know it has been a while but I didn't want to start a new post on this book... Last night when DH and I got into bed he asked if I minded if he ate his peanuts (he usually has a handful before he goes to sleep) and I said, "No but I guess that means you are going to want the TV on." and he said "I guess" but then a light bulb went off and I said, "Well what if you let me read to you from Sheet Music while you eat the peanuts?" and he said okay...

So last night for an hour I read to him out of the book. I started from the beginning. I was going to skip and just go to chapter 3 but he said if we are going to read it together lets read the whole thing...

After I was done (he was falling asleep) he said, "thank you for reading to me it is a good book and I think we are going to learn a lot by reading this together. I felt like we spent a really intimate time together by doing this tonight and I hope you want to continue tomorrow night. I know I was falling asleep and I am sorry but had I been reading it by myself I would have been asleep after page 2. Thank you."

It was a good night. He didn't feel like I was trying to correct him in anyway and he felt like he learned something even though we didn't get that far into it.

He did make the comment that our roles seem to be reversed from what Dr. Leman is talking about but it is okay because we can still learn from it. I thought it was great that he picked up on that but was still willing to go through it...

I think I have decided what I am going to get people for Christmas this year - Generous Wife and Husband books (if I can still order some more) and Sheet Music!

I seriously recommend reading this book with your spouse even if you don't think it is worth it because it doesn't apply to you as a couple...

God Bless everyone...

SolomonsStudent

Postby SolomonsStudent » Mon Jan 31, 2005 4:05 pm

i just got sheet music on saturday! wow! awesome book! i cant put it down. i pray that my wife will pick it up when im done and read it. then we can read it together! its a great book. he pulls no punches, says it like it should be said...blunt and matter of fact! so far im over 3/4 of the way through it, 2 days after buying it. what a great author! God has given him the boldness to say alot of things others are afraid to say. i love it and would recommend it to any married couple!

sex is cool!
ss

Lothar

Re: Sheet Music...Opinions...Anyone...

Postby Lothar » Mon Jan 31, 2005 8:11 pm

BlesdAlMom wrote:Ok, I bought Sheet Music and finished reading it.....

What are/were everyone's thoughts on it?


You can spot a 50% increase in frequency on our birth control charts, beginning right around when we got "Sheet Music". I'd say that counts as a ringing endorsement!

Tirzah

Sheet Music

Postby Tirzah » Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:35 pm

Sorry, I just had to post a new thread about this. . . .
All I can say is WOW! ::alarm This sounds cliche, but I laughed & cried while reading it. I wish I had this years ago!
I read about this book here and I thought "Hum, maybe I could get that from the library." So time went by and I finally got around to it.
I AM BUYING THIS BOOK! He is a total HOOT! ::rofl My daughter kept saying, "Mommy, what are you laughing about?"
So, just to encourage all of those who haven't read this yet: READ IT!
My hubby is going to read it when I buy it 'cause he likes to highlight. I think I may highlight a little for him before I give it to him! ::luv2 Hee Hee!
Tirzah

s4G

Postby s4G » Wed Apr 06, 2005 5:05 am

I read a previous thread on this book and that was enough for me to buy the book. The DW has seen it, but we are in the middle of another 'devotional' (just starting really) but I'm thinking I may ask her to read along with me (like I will read when I have time and then wait for her to read when she can).

Thank you for posting your feedback. :)

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Postby facetoface » Wed Apr 06, 2005 5:16 pm

My only regret after reading it was I wished that I had read it much sooner, like 20 years sooner!!! We will be buying it as a wedding gift from now on.

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HisBestFriend

Opinions ?

Postby HisBestFriend » Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:57 am

I'd like to give my sister and her fiance a copy of Sheet music ( which we thoroughly loved) but Im not sure when its the best time to give it to them. They have known each other for a couple of years and are planning a June wedding. Any input ? Would it be too soon to make it part of an engagement gift :?:

Proverbs2121

Postby Proverbs2121 » Tue Oct 11, 2005 9:44 am

I believe at the beginning of the book he instructs couples who are not married to read only the first couple of chapters and save the rest until after marriage.

Maybe it might be a better wedding present?

MamaTo4247

Re: Opinions ?

Postby MamaTo4247 » Tue Oct 11, 2005 9:54 am

HisBestFriend wrote:Would it be too soon to make it part of an engagement gift :?:


Rather than an egngagement gift, I'd make it a part of a basket with lotions, oils, lube, etc. as a shower gift closer to the wedding. I have a feeling lots of folks won't wait til they're married to read the whole book :wink: , so I'd recommend giving it closer to the wedding so as not to get them all worked up (maybe give copies of the "Clueless Bride & Groom" articles from TMB in that basket too!).

For your sister, I'd get her a copy of "Intimate Issues" right away. Not quite as "how to" as "Sheet Music" but can attack any wrong mindsets that she might have.

BTW, I love your avi! Very cute!

~Alise

NeedMor

Reading it to DW...

Postby NeedMor » Tue Oct 25, 2005 9:52 am

Upon the suggestion of many, I purchased the book with the hopeful expectation of getting my DW to read it. I had the epiphany (ok, it was really reading on TMB where someone was reading it to their refusing spouse) that I should read it to my DW. I had already read about 1/3 of it. The first 9 pages made me cry. I was so sad because of what we have missed in our first 14 years of marriage. I was sad because we were missing out on what God intended for us to have. It was then I realized, with the help of the TMB board, that I should read it TO her so that we could try to talk about our issues regarding sex.

Well, we haven't gotten very far, we've only finished chapter 3, but I do believe she is starting to see the light. She made the comment that she never realized that she could actually use her hands or mouth to satisfy me AND that I might like that. (note to self: DO NOT JUMP UP AND DOWN IN BED, DO NOT SCARE HER NOW!) :mrgreen:

She has really been trying harder and I love her so much just for that. In fact, I made the change to go to bed at the same time as she does, me being the night owl. Now, we are actually cuddling and it is heavenly. ::two

I'm so looking forward to reading her the remainder of the book!

Needmor

Joe A.

Sheet Music

Postby Joe A. » Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:46 am

I got the book Sheet Music. I asked my wife if we could go through it. I gave it to her to read; however, she said she didn't have time to do it. I wanted to say that she will have time one day when she is setting at a funeral home planning my funeral. That is when I suggested we read it together since we don't do anything on Friday night anyway. I think she was suprised that I read Chapter 1 to her rather than just discuss it without her reading it. What is said is by the author not me.

Chapter 2 is where we will hit a snag. In the chapter, it is stated that some marry because after marriage they won't have to bother with sex. Those that have read it will understand my statement. I am sure there will be disagreement over that. I believe we have a variation of it here.

When we started counseling, we were told that we probably should not expect a normal sex life. Counselors also told me that if I met her needs she would meet mine. I also agreed that she could say no if she didn't want sex. Well after reading Sheet Music, I realize that there are so many reasons that she has been given not to have sex because of counseling. All the reasons seem justified. Which leaves me frustrated. When I "need" her she can use any number of "legitimate reasons" to avoid sex.

Additionally, what leaves me cold is that the statement of my needs were made in counseling without asking what are my needs and how can they be met. I would feel better if I knew it was possible for her to met my needs. I have finally figured it out that she cannot met my needs even though she uses the statement that she will if I meet hers.


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