Ready to give up

Low or no sex drive?
love2
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Re: RE: Re: Ready to give up

Postby love2 » Sat Aug 05, 2017 3:58 pm

poetess wrote:
love2 wrote:I understand the concept of sacrifical love but if one of the greatest commandments is to love your neighbor as you love yourself you have to start making yourself a priority and stop feeling guilty about it. I am sure Jesus did not feel guilty for the times that he was taking care of himself instead of healing the sick.

This wasn't Jesus "focusing on Himself instead of other people." His primary focus in becoming man wasn't to focus on healing people; it was to preach the Gospel, train the disciples, and die and be raised for our sins. He was willing to heal people, but not to make that His primary focus at the expense of having time with His Father or preaching the Gospel. "Take care of yourself first" is not a fair application from this.
It's more from the idea of valuing physical safety and as an extension of the valuing emotional safety.

There are some examples of physical safety in this post: http://www.leslievernick.com/what-scrip ... ve-spouse/

The idea is when someone's life is in danger it's ok to separate so in same way - Jesus was here to accomplish his mission and you correctly point out that his mission wasn't to meet everyone's needs to to accomplish what the father sent him to do.

Along those same lines, god has a mission for each one of us to accomplish and he also desires for us to be emotionally and physically whole. If we focus too much of our energy on our spouses it can be very destructive. I don't suggest that jesus' primary focus was to heal the sick but rather that he did set boundaries with people to accomplish his mission instead of becoming overwhelmed by serving and not taking care of what he needed to accomplish

Anyway this is too much of a rabbit trail! Sorry for that

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Hiswifeagain
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sat Aug 05, 2017 4:36 pm

Hobri,

Letting go of resentment is going to be a real challenge if you have unspoken and possibly unrecognized expectations that aren't being met. SC was talking about Holy Spirit driven changes that came from conviction. That was my experience as well. I started to understand that my resentment and disrespectful attitude toward my husband grieved the Holy Spirit. Sure, my husband didn't deserve the changes I made at the time. But I didn't get what I deserve either and for that I'm eternally thankful. That is what I started to think about when the resentment would bubble up. I started to do what my Savior calls me to and knowing it's Him I'm serving when I serve/love my husband. As with SC, the changes I made inspired my dh to change as well. It's become a good spiral effect. You can fight for your rights if you want, but that may lead to more distance and resentment between you. You know how Jesus said if you find your life, you'll lose it and it you lose your life for Him you'll gain it? That's kind of how see the changes I made in my marriage. If you're interested in how to get started on making some of these changes I'm talking about, I encourage you to also read the Respect Dare by Nina Roesner in addition to the Boundaries book. Check it out at GreaterImpact.org and she's on Facebook as well. That book along with "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn and "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich totally changed my marriage from ugly to more beautiful every day. I hope you will persevere and try showing your husband respect even though he doesn't deserve it. You might be amazed at the changes you'll see. Still read Boundaries so can own what's yours and let your dh own what's his. :)



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You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Hobri
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Hobri » Tue Aug 08, 2017 6:42 am

Little update: The other day I asked my husband if he would like talk. I explained communication is my way of feeling loved, and if he doesn't respond it tells me he doesn't love me. He said that wasn't the case at all. He doesn't like confrontation, so he avoids serious subjects. I asked him how I need to approach him so that he feels safe and doesn't feel the need to shut down, and he said he did not know.

We did discuss sex. I explained how I forced myself to do it after finding out about the porn and how I grew to resent it. Talked about me not orgasming during our encounters. He feels he offers to give me an orgasm every time, but he feels I do not enjoy sex at all and wants to get it over as quickly as possible so that I'm not miserable. Other things were said, but I don't want to bore you all. In the end, I told him maybe we need to focus more on quality of sex over quantity. Spend more time exploring each other body's with our hands and mouth. He agreed.

I have to learn to enjoy what he is doing rather than questioning if he is wanting to be doing it. It will take some take for me to relax.


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Hiswifeagain
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Aug 08, 2017 7:07 am

Hobri,
I'm glad you approached him again to talk about your issues, that sounds like progress! I hope you are also making progress on rejecting the lies of the enemy that tell you that he only wants you for sex. It may appear that way because he's protecting himself from feeling hurt about his perceived sexual rejection by you. It may be that you are each inadvertently feeding the feelings of rejection in the other. I hope you will keep reading at the Forgiven Wife about how men really do connect emotionally through sex the way we do through talking. You may need to remind yourself of that each time you're intimate and focus on that connection. I know that I used to feel like emotional connection through sex was less noble than emotional connection through talking and that made it hard to let go of feeling used. Now that I have a proper understanding of how God designed men and women differently I can connect sexually and it brings about the emotional connection through talking afterwards.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

love2
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Re: RE: Re: Ready to give up

Postby love2 » Tue Aug 08, 2017 8:24 am

Thanks for the update - I'm proud of you guys for making good progress! Yay

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