Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Low or no sex drive?
ineedamocha
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Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby ineedamocha » Tue Oct 10, 2017 12:36 pm

Hello there! I'm a 29 y/o lady, almost 30, and my DH (husband) and I have been married a little over 2 years now. I am experiencing a lack of sexual desire, and after some discussion, I've found that it is taking a greater toll on my DH than I initially thought. My heart was broken when, with my DH's helpful communication, I found that I am hurting him by simply not wanting sex. Please let me clarify that while I don't have any desire for it, I still have a desire to make sure that my DH is sexually fulfilled, so I try to make sure that we have sex AT LEAST once a week, but I try to aim for at least twice. However, he has said in a nutshell that simply being available for sex is not enough. I'm not into it, and that is what is effecting him. He wants me to be into it--he wants to be wanted. He says that he's having sex, but I'm not having sex back, if that makes any sense. I've never really had a strong sex drive, so it's a challenge for me to be into it.

BUT, I'm here to do something about it because my husband and I are committed to each other and to the Lord. Thus, I'm committed to making sure that the sexual side of our marriage gets healthier. I'm trying to be proactive about it and am here to ask for practical advice--specific things I can try in order to increase my own sexual desire. I want to care for my DH's heart and his psyche by increasing my own sexual desire but simply don't know how other than prayer (which is, of course, imperative). I have never faked it and refuse to do so. I want give my husband something genuine! So, if anyone has any tips and suggestions, please share. Thank you all for your time!

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Re: Seeking Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby Drob » Tue Oct 10, 2017 12:38 pm

Communication is the key. Both of you have to be honest and open with each other.

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Re: Seeking Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby Job29Man » Tue Oct 10, 2017 12:48 pm

Welcome to TMB! I hope you find the answers you are looking for! :D

Some people look at mental or spiritual things first.
As a longtime athlete and health enthusiast who has seen amazing results in people with attention to the physical aspect, that's where I often inquire first.

What is your height and weight?
What kind of food do you eat?
What is your activity level?
Do you do some activity that makes you sweat and breathe hard for at least 20 minutes continuously? (not including sex)
How often, how much?
Do you take any medications whatsoever? What are they?
Do you have any chronic disease, injury or condition?
Do you eat prepared or prepackaged food, or drink fruit juice or soft drinks of any kind? How much?
Are you on any kind of hormone treatments at all, including contraception?
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Seeking Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby ineedamocha » Tue Oct 10, 2017 3:30 pm

My goodness, thank you all for your quick responses!!!! :) I'm so encouraged by them! I really appreciate all of the input so far. In the Lack of Desire section, I've already read a lot of stuff that I can relate to as well as things I've been hearing my husband say.

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Re: Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby love2 » Tue Oct 10, 2017 5:03 pm

I see two separate things here:
1. Your level of engagement during sex and;
2.Your need for physical release

It is possible to be engaged during sex even when you don't feel a need for physical release (orgasm).
This will look like telling husband during sex what you are enjoying such as:
I love when you touch my xx.
Your breathe feels so good on xx.
I love feeling you close to me, etc.

You aren't faking it but you are are pointing out what you are enjoying about the sex session. By doing so, you are more engaged.

The second part of this is your need for physical release, how frequently are you orgasming?

It is fairly normal for a woman to only have the physical desire for an orgasm once a week but this shouldn't prevent you from being able to engage in sex in the way I have described.

I would encourage husband to not measure the quality of sex based on you wanting to or achieving orgasm. Sex can still be enjoyable for you even if you don't orgasm.

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Re: Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby poetess » Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:59 am

Also, do you enjoy sex once you get into it? Many women have what we call on here "responsive desire." You might not think about sex a lot on your own, but once you begin sex, you get aroused, and then you enjoy it. Men are different, and men and women both tend to expect female sexuality to operate like a man's.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby lysander » Mon Oct 23, 2017 1:09 pm

I just posted something that might help. viewtopic.php?f=43&t=68538

Maybe the Admin could make it a "stickied" post for this forum.

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Re: Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby PacNorWestGuy » Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:39 am

To be perfectly honest, you may not be able to increase desire. Not without a significant adjustment to your way of thinking. This is something my DW and I have struggled with for over 30 years. When it comes down to it, no amount of my wishing or hopefulness will change her level of desire. Sex just isn't on her RADAR. While I think about sex a few times a day, she tells me she never thinks about it without thinking that I may want it. She, like you, evidently, is very conscientious about the disparity and so she is almost always willing. Unfortunately, being willing just doesn't cut it after a while.

I almost hate to say it, due to the potential backlash, but here is the bottom line: If you want your husband to feel great and to carry himself with confidence and contentment, you need to work at two things: The first is being enthusiastic. While you may not need or want an orgasm, your DH needs and wants one. However, he could just masturbate and achieve that goal. What he really wants and needs is the knowledge that his precious bride LIKES (if not LOVES) to be intimate with him.

My DW isn't a big fan of verbal encouragement, but a smile or laugh at the right time is amazing. I would love it if she were more vocal, but she is very shy and even after 30ish years of sex with me, she is still a little shy, so the smiles are killer for me. It shows that she is having fun, even if she isn't motivated for her own orgasm. What is a huge let down is when she shows that she is just performing another household chore. That leaves me empty and feeling guilty for initiating sex in the first place. I don't want to be another chore. I want her to enjoy giving me pleasure as much as I enjoy giving her pleasure, even as seldom as she lets me do that.

I have read that the best way for a woman to increase her sex drive is to actively think about sex. Think about how wonderful it felt, how happy and satisfied your DH was and how sexy it was to have sex. If you can't bring yourself to that point right now, that's OK, but at least be enthusiastic about pleasing your husband. Don't opt for the easy way out and just lay back and offer yourself. Be assertive and enthusiastic about being with him. Show that even though you may not want an orgasm, you would like nothing more than to give him the pleasure he desires. Be an active lover.

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Re: Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby farmer1 » Mon Oct 30, 2017 1:40 pm

PacNorWestGuy wrote:To be perfectly honest, you may not be able to increase desire. Not without a significant adjustment to your way of thinking. This is something my DW and I have struggled with for over 30 years. When it comes down to it, no amount of my wishing or hopefulness will change her level of desire. Sex just isn't on her RADAR. While I think about sex a few times a day, she tells me she never thinks about it without thinking that I may want it. She, like you, evidently, is very conscientious about the disparity and so she is almost always willing. Unfortunately, being willing just doesn't cut it after a while.

Don't opt for the easy way out and just lay back and offer yourself. Be assertive and enthusiastic about being with him. Show that even though you may not want an orgasm, you would like nothing more than to give him the pleasure he desires. Be an active lover.


Well said! Great advice. We've been married over 20 years and my wife has always had no drive. However, our marriage bed is better now than ever. Don't give up hope.

For us it's more about her learning how to be sex positive than it is about drive. No doubt I'd love it if a real sex drive appeared, but I've learned to appreciate and be thankful for her positive behaviors. Its been a long process and I often felt hurt and lost confidence along the way.

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Re: Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby ghostrider » Mon Oct 30, 2017 3:16 pm

As a man, I can validate what your husband is telling you. He wants sex to be something you enjoy together, not just something very nice you do for him. He loves you and he has an instinctive desire as a man to pleasure you sexually, so you being able to enjoy that pleasure is very important to him, and is really the ultimate bonding experience which is unique to marriage.

I'm not really the expert on how to increase female desire from ground 0- but good for you for asking as this is a very important issue and you can find a lot of resources here. I have only dealt with a period of depression and disconnectedness in my wife for a couple years, but otherwise she has usually been fairly high drive. What helped get her over that period of lack of desire was first fixing our relationship (which probably isn't the issue for you) then getting her hormones right thru Wellbutrin, Armour thyroid, and occasionally some amino acid supplements, L-Tyrosine and Mucuna Puriens.

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Re: Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Oct 30, 2017 7:42 pm

How busy are you? I have found for myself, the biggest libido killer is being too busy and trying to do too much in life. For me, to be the sexual woman I am created to be, I have to be intentional on my thinking and my actions. I have to guard my time. I can't think and prepare sexually if I have to think about the PTA, ministries at church, a bookclub, my next house project, kids' extracurricular activities, etc, etc. I have to make it a top priority being "wife", which means being the sexaul woman my husband needs, so a good majority of my time and efforts need to go into the mental, emotional, physical and even spiritual process it takes to be sexual. This includes praying about it, because I know I need the Holy Spirit's help to overcome my flesh. Reading about it: learning about myself as a sexual woman, learning about my husband as a man, getting practical steps to try and do. Preparing myself, all day, for the night to come....What am I wearing and how does it make me feel? How can I bless him? What little, or big thing can I do that would surprise him? Or even, giving myself permission to just feel and enjoy, and letting him see how his touch is blessing me. Basically, it's being transformed by the renewal of our mind. It took me a few years to go from, "This is for my husband and for our marriage." to "I want this too!" but I made it, and so can you!
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Oct 31, 2017 7:41 am

I should add.... it also takes saying "no" to other things and people....including busyness with my children. Them, having a healthy home life is much more important, than having them enrolled in that seasons sport, that's just my very strong opinion.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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