how do I start to fix this?

Low or no sex drive?
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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby HisLadybug » Tue May 19, 2015 11:18 pm

I'm so sorry. I've read a few of your posts and I know your story is not a new one. I feel like lots of people here have TONS to say to husbands who are refused, but don't know what to do with a wife who is refused. I guess my question is, what do you want to do? What steps have you taken already? Is this something you want to live with forever?
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I'm so lost for you
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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby txtwindad » Wed May 20, 2015 5:07 am

HisLadybug wrote:What steps have you taken already? Is this something you want to live with forever?


This relationship sounds abusive to me. Blaming you for his ED is just cruel. If you were my sister I would be urging you to speak with an attorney and have a plan to leave if necessary. Then to have a serious talk with him with what conditions he needs to meet if he wishes to remain married.
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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby littleblackcloud » Wed May 20, 2015 2:35 pm

Thank you all very much for your sympathy and prayers. We had a proper sit down and talk last night and that helped clear the air a bit. There's still a lot of love that flows both ways in our relationship believe it or not. I'd rather live with him as a friend than not at all. I'm going to try and sort out some things he specifically mentioned as bothering him, give it a couple of weeks and then try a follow up conversation. He's feeling very low on the self confidence front atm so demands of any kind are just going to be met with defence or head in sand.

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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby txtwindad » Wed May 20, 2015 2:40 pm

littleblackcloud wrote:I'd rather live with him as a friend than not at all.


You get what you allow. If you are OK with this, it will likely be all you ever have. Do you think living as just friends is what God planned for your marriage?
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Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby ledgemoor » Thu May 21, 2015 4:10 am

I am so sorry you are going thru this.

littleblackcloud wrote:I feel so bad for getting so worked up about such little problems. People deal with much harder things every day and I know I should have more faith that God will get me through.

This isn't a little problem. You have a dysfunctional marriage.

Things aren't likely to get any better until you put your foot down. Insist that if he wants to stay married to you, he must:

1. Pleasure you manually/orally on an regular basis. He doesn't need an erection for that.

2. See a doctor about his ED. What's so sad is that in most cases it can be easily fixed with a little testosterone. It will also help him lose weight.

I'd rather live with him as a friend than not at all.

Yeah, but he doesn't know that, or if he does, you could always change your mind. If he is really a friend, he will do the above.

Can you go see a marriage counselor to help you have this conversation? If he won't come, go by yourself. Either way it will let him know you mean business. It will be hard. But keep in mind that when this is resolved, he will thank you :D.

You are both in my prayers.
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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby littleblackcloud » Thu May 21, 2015 2:45 pm

txtwindad wrote:You get what you allow. If you are OK with this, it will likely be all you ever have. Do you think living as just friends is what God planned for your marriage?

Divorce is not an option. I made my vows and meant them.
I honestly have no idea what God's plans for me are. I just try and face each day faithfully.
God seems to have chosen to leave a lot of my friends lonely.

ledgemoor wrote: Insist that if he wants to stay married to you, he must:

1. Pleasure you manually/orally on an regular basis. He doesn't need an erection for that.

2. See a doctor about his ED. What's so sad is that in most cases it can be easily fixed with a little testosterone. It will also help him lose weight.


He knows I have to stay married and he's got me for life, better or worse. Bed made - got to lie in it.

Point one - not things that really float my boat much
Point two - he thinks he's fine and things will be better when ...

I just can't seem to get my head round counselling.

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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby Leah » Thu May 21, 2015 3:32 pm

What are you doing differently today than you were doing when you first came here four years ago? Why can't you wrap your head around counseling? Clearly there needs to be a change. A counselor can help you do something differently.

And what does your husband's doctor say about his weight and ED?
Leah

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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Fri May 22, 2015 4:42 am

LBC, honey, I read this thread all the way through and my heart breaks. I feel for you. What I have to say to you is said with sisterly love. I want you to be in a better place.

My main love language is physical touch so if I was in your current situation, I would feel awful. I've been short-changed in the patience department so I would not wait for years to resolve this issue of refusal. Quite frankly, I never knew that there was such a thing as "high drive" and "low drive" until I came on here. My DH and I seem to have similar drives. I thought that was normal. I have been doing a lot of reading on here too. My main reason for coming on here was to spice up our love life with more variety. I liked the fact that, on here, we are all Christians and use the bible for direction.

I felt that nothing was terribly out of kilter in our marriage. But what I did find out is, that I did refuse to do a couple of things in our MB. I have worked through one issue already and one to go. When I would read on here that people would suggest counseling to a poster, I used to have the same reaction as you. I thought that there was shame in seeking a professional. I would think to myself, "What??? Have her use a counselor? That sounds pretty extreme!" I have since changed my mind. It's the weak people who avoid counselors, not the other way around. I have read about other people where there were positive changes in relationships since counseling started. I think you might have to bite the bullet and admit you are wrong about seeking help professionally.

The Holy Spirit directed you to this site many years ago. There is no doubt in my mind about that. The fact that you are still here tells me you want resolution. You started the post with the title "How do I start to fix this?" but that changed to "Worn out with sadness". This tells volumes about the progression of your marriage. If you really were happy about your sex life, you would just settle. The minute you decide to "just settle" your postings will stop. If you really believe this is the path God wants you in, for your marriage, then we are done here. I don't believe that for a minute.

I have the following questions for you:

1. Do you want a great sex life (defined by you) beyond the friendship and love you have within your marriage?

2. Are you teachable?

3. Are you willing to seek help by using a professional counselor?

If the answer to all three questions are "yes" then I'm excited for you. One, you are not willing to just settle for anything less than what God wants for you. Two, you are willing to tackle the tasks at hand. It will take lots of work and much self-reflection. No, it will not be easy. Anything worth having, is worth fighting for. And finally, God has already trained somebody to work with you through the issues, to see stuff that only a counselor can see. Your counselor is waiting for that appointment with you. Yes, you will probably go alone at first. That's totally okay. You are a strong woman because of your decisions. May the Lord not only carry you through this process, but may He also bless your marriage beyond your expectations.

PS Most people quit counseling sessions before there is true progress. I need you to commit to at least 12 consecutive sessions with the counselor before you decide it's not right for you. I know that the idea of even going in freaks you out, but you are strong. It's for a better marriage, the way God designed it to be. The first time you go in might seem like an undaunting task but you will be glad you took that first step.

Please keep us posted. We are here to help you navigate.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby mamame » Sat May 23, 2015 5:08 am

What are your reservations regarding counseling?

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Unfulfilled » Sat May 23, 2015 7:03 am

I believe there is a huge FALSE assumption on your part. You stated that you are sorry for making this a big deal for such a small problem.

Not having a sexual one flesh relationship in marriage is NOT a small problem. It is a HUGE problem. Do not let yourself believe that your concern over this is in any way minor!

Has your husband been blood tested for his testosteeone levels?

As I understand it, the two leading causes for a man to have little interest in sex are:

1) low testosterone
2) porn use/addiction and masturbation

Granted there are many other possible causes. But these are the "big two" reasons. And more than one man has been pretty careful to hide a porn addiction

Men with low T also seem to be reluctant to want to get a blood test. As sex drive is so low as you state they see no reason to get a blood test for to them is a NON existent problem. Which to me is a red flag that in fact low T could be at least part of the issue and is all the more important for the blood test to be done.

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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby Leah » Sat May 23, 2015 7:37 am

littleblackcloud wrote:He knows I have to stay married and he's got me for life, better or worse. Bed made - got to lie in it.


This is, frankly, a lot of baloney. Simply remaining in a marriage is not keeping the vow. There are usually specific promises made as part of the vow, and if those are not being kept, then the vow is being broken.
Leah

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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby txtwindad » Sat May 23, 2015 10:54 am

^^^ I agree and it is worse than just baloney. It is enslaving you. Living together as friends is no better than divorce in my opinion.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby poetess » Sat May 23, 2015 11:58 am

Living together as friends is no better than divorce in my opinion.


No better than divorce? Yeah, it's better than divorce. But it's worse than a real marriage, and a poor facsimile of one.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Leah » Sat May 23, 2015 12:51 pm

It's not biblical, in any case.
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sun May 24, 2015 8:14 am

Thank you again for all your thoughts. A mixture of the kind and the forthright that makes TMB a good place.

You don't break vows just because the other person did. Where would we all be if God did that?

I still maintain that no sex is not a big problem in the big scheme of things. No food, no home, living in fear of your life are big problems. I'm just a bit disappointed.

Pretty certain it's not porn. There's been not a shred of anything to make me suspect that in seven years.

He's convinced that he's just been tired for seven years and his testosterone is just fine. Yes. I think he's got his head in the sand too.

Reservations about counselling. Wasting money, wasting time. I saw a councillor once when I was deeply depressed and just found it a really negative waste-of-time experience. I felt patronised and stupid. I'm scared that if I just turn up and tell them I want to find a way to live with the fact that my husband can't make love to me they will just ask me how I think I can solve that. I need answers and strategies not questions I have asked myself a million times.

I'm going to e-mail someone about the possibility of finding a Christian councillor this afternoon. If am denied children and have to work instead I may as well spend the extra income on thin air.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Leah » Sun May 24, 2015 9:48 am

If you are going to take that track, then your choices are to do something about the refusal or learn to live with it without complaint.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sun May 24, 2015 10:09 am

Leah wrote:If you are going to take that track, then your choices are to do something about the refusal or learn to live with it without complaint.

I think that's a fair summary!

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Leah » Sun May 24, 2015 10:38 am

That would be where a counselor can help you.
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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby ledgemoor » Mon May 25, 2015 8:03 am

littleblackcloud wrote:Point one - not things that really float my boat much
Point two - he thinks he's fine and things will be better when ...

On point one, look at it as just a start. If he starts doing sexual things, his libido may well increase. Now, sex is an ordeal for him because failure is guaranteed. Even if he can perform occasionally, he will not be able to again as soon as you want -- again, failure. But if you say "hey, I don't expect anything you can't delver on. No pressure. Let's just get naked and enjoy each other's company and rub be here and kiss me there, and I'll do whatever you want". You make success possible. He might start enjoying it.

You need to do everything you can do to help yourself. Believe me, as I guy I can assure you that pressure to perform is the worst libido-killer. Occasional failures are normal. He needs to know that you are OK with that, and that it isn't a big deal. It is normal. I say that if I never have issues, we aren't doing it often enough :D.

If you request and accept frequent oral/manual stimulation, at the very least you can count in him valuing you and your marriage more -- people value things more when they invest effort in them.

You don't break vows just because the other person did. Where would we all be if God did that?
Good point. In today's culture where marriages are almost as disposable as newspapers, (if people bother with marriage at all), I appreciate your comment. But, breaking a vow now and then is a different matter than consistently and steadfastly mocking the covenant. Not everyone will be saved.

He knows I have to stay married and he's got me for life, better or worse. Bed made - got to lie in it.
If that is truly his attitude, that is abusive of the marriage covenant. That is the same as saying "as long as I don't commit the big A, she's stuck. Forget about the 'to love, honor, & cherish' and 'have and hold' vows".

The morality of divorce in extreme situations such as physical or sexual abandonment is a whole other topic. And fortunately you aren't there yet. But if he remains steadfastly unrepentant, then I would encourage you to study your options with an open mind.

As I said, you aren't to the point of separation or divorce yet. No one is suggesting that you simply tell him "get this fixed or get out". There is a lot you can do that you haven't done yet. It won't be easy, it won't be fun, and he will probably get upset at you. But, I think our responsibility in marriage is not to simply avoid divorce, but to do what it takes to have a GOOD marriage.

I hear you on counseling. Do you have an IRL friend or pastor that could encourage you and hold you accountable?
Last edited by ledgemoor on Tue May 26, 2015 3:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Worn out with sadness

Postby littleblackcloud » Tue May 26, 2015 1:52 pm

ledgemoor wrote:If that is truly his attitude, that is abusive of the marriage covenant. That is the same as saying "as long as I don't commit the big A, she's stuck. Forget about the 'to love, honor, & cherish' and 'have and hold' vows".


Thanks ledgemoor

Please don't misunderstand. We both believe in staying married if at all possible. It comes from loyalty and commitment.

We don't have anyone we know who either of us could talk to about this. I have contacted someone about counselling. I'll see if that goes anywhere.


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