how do I start to fix this?

Low or no sex drive?
Alistair
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Alistair » Sat Oct 10, 2015 11:17 pm

WOW!!!!!!!!

Praise God Lord Jesus may you keep working on the marriage!

littleblackcloud
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sun Apr 17, 2016 11:05 am

So we are back to "normal". No sex for weeks. Total ED disasters if we do try anything. Still has "love and respect" more or less unopened on his bedside table collecting dust. Still hasn't picked up his prescription or pushed for a testosterone test.

I am trying really hard to be cheerful, to be kind, to be supportive, to be a good wife (despite the fact that I'm really just a housemate) but I feel like I am losing my sanity. I just want to go somewhere and scream and scream and scream till I can't feel any more.

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Job29Man
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Job29Man » Sun Apr 17, 2016 11:54 am

littleblackcloud wrote:So we are back to "normal". No sex for weeks. Total ED disasters if we do try anything. Still has "love and respect" more or less unopened on his bedside table collecting dust. Still hasn't picked up his prescription or pushed for a testosterone test.
That means zero progress in at least 7 months. Ouch! Have you confronted him about the actual number of months?
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sun Apr 17, 2016 2:52 pm

I have mentioned the number of months. He's been in a new job since January - it's very stressful and consuming. He's trying to do the job well and treat his team well and that's one of the things I love him for. I just wish there was some of him left for me.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sat May 14, 2016 1:02 pm

We have some progress. I wrote him a letter for our anniversary telling him I was finding it very difficult to feel like celebrating our marriage.

He finished reading love and respect. Still hasn't talked about it except to say it was repetitive and he "doesn't need respect".

On Friday he took a day off work (despite displeasure from his boss) and got his blood taken for the testosterone test and picked up a repeat prescription because the previous one had expired after 6 months. He's asked me to pick it up while he's away this week.

The only thing I specifically asked for in the letter is that he hasn't done is book us in with Relate. Knowing him he could have honestly forgotten so maybe I'll just book and hope he can come with me.

He's even attempted making love to me twice in the last month. The ED made it a bit of a challenge but at least we were close. I really appreciate that he tried at all but it also made me feel a bit like I was using him. It feels like he's just trying because he knows it's important to me. I know he's done it out of love. Is it ungrateful of me to still feel unsatisfied that he doesn't actually want to be with me for himself too?

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Mon Jul 04, 2016 1:46 pm

After yet another ED disaster last night he's decided, after FIFTEEN months of having near total ED, that the ED is a problem. He's always complaining that it goes wrong when I change what i'm doing that was "working". I really don't think it's unreasonable that I can take a second or two to adjust position so I don't get cramp! Surely an erection can survive a second or two without precision attention? Today he's picked up his prescription for sildenafil. I wonder if it will ever make it out of the box? Must confess I'm a bit worried about side effects if he does take it.

I've e-mailed him the phone number for the local Relate people.

Still no discussion of any books, websites or videos I've tried to share with him.

All weight lost by going to the gym is now back on because he's been away from home such a lot with work and church.

The testosterone test was "normal" but the GP didn't give us the actual numerical result so I have no idea if it's normal for a man who's 41 or normal for men up to 80 or 90. So, so annoyed.

Not really looking for any advice as most of people's previous excellent advice still stands. Just updating for myself really. helps me keep track of how long things have been going on. I think about leaving him most days and then he makes me laugh or does something kind.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Mon Jul 04, 2016 2:29 pm

Apparently the pharmacist said the sildenafil should be taken every three days? That sounds odd to me. I thought it was as needed and not more than once a day?

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby SquarePants » Mon Jul 04, 2016 2:59 pm

littleblackcloud wrote:The testosterone test was "normal" but the GP didn't give us the actual numerical result so I have no idea if it's normal for a man who's 41 or normal for men up to 80 or 90. So, so annoyed.

Call and ask for a copy of the lab results.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Tue Jul 05, 2016 12:26 am

SquarePants wrote:Call and ask for a copy of the lab results.


Unfortunately only the patient can request the results. I have asked my husband to call but guess what? He hasn't got round to it.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Fri Jul 22, 2016 9:32 am

Finally found out the testosterone levels this week. It's 6.3 nmol/L

Reference ranges given by the lab where his test was done at are 8.3 to 30.2 for men 18-49 years and 7.7 to 24.8 for men over 50 years.

That means he's below normal for a men in his 50s when he's in his 40s. Why the GP reported this as normal i have no idea! My husband has been back to argue and he's getting a second test.

In a way this should feel like a positive as it's some kind of progress but I feel so tired and every step forward is such a fight.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby ledgemoor » Sat Jul 23, 2016 6:06 am

That is VERY LOW (about 180 ng/dl for our USA friends).

You can't go by what the charts say is normal. I don't know where they get those figures -- using the "penis hasn't fallen off yet" test probably :lol:. You have to go by symptoms. I was 9.5 or 270 and could barely function. Some men can function OK in the 17 (or 500s), but most men need more. I try to keep myself around 22 (or 750). At 6 (or 180), there is no way he will be able to function.

The second test will be different, but will just confirm what the first tells him. Try to get him to go later in the day -- testosterone levels are highest in the morning, NOT in the evening when most couples have sex.

In a way this should feel like a positive as it's some kind of progress but I feel so tired and every step forward is such a fight.
A typical symptom and a problem so many wives face. I didn't really fight DW on it, but dragged my feet hoping I would get better. She finally made an appt for me and practically led me by the hand. I am so glad she did.

Look for another doctor -- someone up on hormonal sex issues and specializing in bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy. There is a directory at http://www.a4m.com, and also just look in the yellow pages for "compounding pharmacies" and ask for a referral sheet. In talking to them you might get an idea who on the sheet sends a lot of male customers to them.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sat Jul 23, 2016 10:35 am

It's shockingly low I know. The trouble is is that he doesn't look like he has low T as he's got a luxuriantly thick beard and plenty of body hair - that's why the doctor wouldn't send him for tests in the first place.

If the tests come back low again I will insist he gets referred to an endocrinologist. Trouble is, on the NHS it could be five months to get an appointment. As I explained in an earlier post, it's hard to go private. If he does get to see an endocrinologist I will make sure I go to the appointment with him as I need them to understand this is not a trivial problem like my husband seems to think it is. I'm also more likely to understand what is said than DH as he has no science/medical background.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby SquarePants » Sat Jul 23, 2016 10:47 am

Not everyone has the same initial symptoms of low testosterone. I had plenty of body hair, an active libido, and no ED problems. However, I had severe brain fog, was extremely tired, lacked motivation to do anything that required physical exertion, and was quickly gaining weight around my waist. I was so dysfunctional that I was concerned about being able to continue my job. All other health tests were fine... thyroid, etc... and it was testosterone that was determined to be low. It's been wonderful to feel normal again since I've been on replacement therapy.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sat Jul 23, 2016 11:34 am

Thanks squarepants and ledgemoor. Good to know you've had positive experiences from replacement therapy.

It all feels very scary at the moment.

After getting the "normal" result and before finding out it wasn't normal at all, my husband finally made a councelling appointment for about three weeks time (after a bout of despair and much weeping from me). I wonder if we should still go for it or whether we should pursue the medical side of things first? Or maybe counselling will help us get through the medical side. Even if his testosterone got replaced and we have a lovely sex life from here on in I'm still going to have a lot of grief for all our lost years. If it turns out medicine can't fix things I'm going to have to process the grief that will be for as long as we both shall live.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sun Jul 24, 2016 5:06 am

littleblackcloud wrote:Even if his testosterone got replaced and we have a lovely sex life from here on in I'm still going to have a lot of grief for all our lost years. If it turns out medicine can't fix things I'm going to have to process the grief that will be for as long as we both shall live.


I believe happiness is a choice. You either choose to embrace it or let it slip away through your fingers. Everyday is a new day through Christ Jesus. We do have the capacity to choose to be content and happy despite where we've been. I had a horrible 15+ years with both my in-laws messing with my life...daily. I could still be grieving about the lost years of my life but I chose not to. You can too.

My favorite quote is from the book, “Get It Together With God” by Richard A. Carloy, ©1973:

"Every day of your life is a gift from God. Don’t squander it. Don’t waste it by being angry with anyone. Don’t let it slip away by feeling sorry for yourself. Be grateful for the precious gift of life and spread it by being as happy and as thankful as you possibly can. Let your mind dwell on the good things that have happened to you. Let gratitude be your attitude. Think of your assets, and don’t let anyone else spoil your day for you. Enjoy every day of your life to the fullest. Realize that you can add to the joy of each day by making someone else happy."

So there is is, littleblackcloud. I know because I live it every single day. Now it's up to you to do the same. A name change to "sunshinebychoice" would be wise.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sun Jul 24, 2016 9:58 am

Thanks Farmwife

I like you positivity. I've been thinking about that quote. I don't really feel like I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a sufficiency of material things etc but that's all fairly pointless. For various reasons God doesn't feel very real atm. My church doesn't feel like a safe place atm (doctrinal issues blown out of proportion and my views are on the "wrong" side). I'm not good with people, I don't know how to make anyone happy. I do however care about others so I just try and avoid people so I don't accidentally hurt or upset them. I've lost touch with being sociable because it's felt like too much energy to constantly pretend I am ok and not burden anyone with my sadness.

I know that sounds like a totally pathetic whinge. That's why I'm hoping counselling might help me see a brighter side to life.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby bride2bee16 » Mon Jul 25, 2016 9:34 am

hey littleblackcloud...

I just read your thread from beginning to end, and don't have any advice as I feel I'm married to an very similar man, but want to offer my empathy and support. Very loving and loyal Christian husband, excellent provider, absolutely committed to work and sometimes allows it to consume him and his time. Greatest weakness is a failure to take action when needed. I wonder, since this is something you mention often over the years of your story unfolding, if the severe lack of acting upon things that greatly need action may be a marked symptom of the Low T, and wives get a front row seat to the negative cycle this causes!

In a way, it makes me feel somewhat less lonely to know I'm not the only wife in the world in such an odd and unexpected situation.

I fervently hope and pray that your husband will very soon get the medical treatment he needs, and that you get the emotional support you need to keep going, and keep fighting for your marriage, in counseling. (((hugs)))
"No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant. Take Peace. The gloom of the world is but a shadow; behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. Take Joy. (Fra Giovanni)

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Mon Jul 25, 2016 10:55 am

Thanks bride2bee16
TMB has helped me feel less alone too. I can't imagine how I'd be if it wasn't for the lovely people here.

An initial assessment counselling apointment has been booked by my husband (!) for two weeks time. Just after we get back from a week at a Bible conference.

He's also watched "the sex starved marriage" video by Michele Weiner-Davis. I texted him the link and told him it was only 17 and a half minutes. I've only been waiting a year for him to do that! Now I just have to get him to discuss it. Not so easy when he's on another continent with work but progress is progress. Hopefully hearing the things he has heard time and again from me will have more weight coming from a stranger.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Thu Aug 04, 2016 8:25 am

Well it turns out the sildenafil works a treat!

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby bride2bee16 » Mon Aug 15, 2016 1:45 pm

Just saw your most recent updates and wanted to say I am very happy to hear it! Have you been to the first counseling appointment yet? How did it go? I've been wanting for us to try counseling. Let us know!
"No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present instant. Take Peace. The gloom of the world is but a shadow; behind it, yet within our reach, is joy. Take Joy. (Fra Giovanni)


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