how do I start to fix this?

Low or no sex drive?
ledgemoor
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby ledgemoor » Wed May 27, 2015 5:20 pm

Understood!

Hope that you find a good counselor or someone you can talk to. Hang in there!
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Thu May 28, 2015 1:52 pm

I sent an e-mail to a church charity that has professional counsellors who do some voluntary work. I enquired mainly about advice on how to find a good counsellor but agreed to speak to someone who works with them by e-mail for now. I sent an e-mail to her this evening outlining the things I've talked about here. She's sent me a reply saying she'll reply at the weekend. I now feel really stupid and sick worried I've made a fuss over nothing and got someone else involved and I'm going to waste her time just because I'm being silly.

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IM_a_Farmwife
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Thu May 28, 2015 2:38 pm

LBC,

I'm really happy for you. You've taken the first step to getting a solution to sexual refusal. It's a really big deal when a spouse is being refused, a big deal. Never forget that. You deserve a Godly marriage which includes having sex (making love) with your DH. If it's anything less than that, it's not God's envision for your marriage.

Thanks for keeping us posted. I am praying for you.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Tue Jun 16, 2015 12:47 pm

Well my husband has been to see the GP. Looks like they want to give him a bit of a health overhaul. Finally after years of me worrying about it, he's going to try and tackle the high blood pressure and check for cholesterol etc etc etc.

So pleased he's doing something positive and yet in discussing the GP visit I stupidly let some of the bitterness come out in a sarcastic comment. It did not end well. Again it's my fault because I go on and on about it.

Counsellor suggested going to relate. Husband not totally averse to this but wants to deal with his physical health first. Also sudden unexpected house expenditure may mean we can't really afford counselling for a bit.
I just hope a relate person won't try and suggest I deliberately chose a husband with sexual problems like the counsellor i e-mailed did.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Ballad » Tue Jun 16, 2015 1:24 pm

littleblackcloud wrote:I just hope a relate person won't try and suggest I deliberately chose a husband with sexual problems like the counsellor i e-mailed did.

:shock:

I don't get why a professional would dish out that kind of assessment without even having met you.

Glad you are seeing some movement; hang in there, and wait on the Lord.
And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

Unfulfilled
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Jun 16, 2015 2:23 pm

Not saying physical issues should be delayed. But saying that he wants to focus on them first sounds to me like an excuse and allows him to continue to avoid.

I think my DW possibly is using a similar physical/medical priority as an excuse to avoid or at least postpone some things that have to be dealt with.

But progress is progress. Some times it is hard to tell slow forward progress with stalling and spinning wheels or even slow backward movement. So long as you can clearly sense progress that is a good thing to continue to encourage.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Tue Jun 16, 2015 3:00 pm

Unfulfilled wrote:But progress is progress.

Trying to hang on to this atm and keep praying for patience.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sat Jun 27, 2015 2:02 am

My husband's follow up GP appointment had to be cancelled this week due to my husband's work commitments. I did wonder if this was delaying but he's re booked for this week so that's a positive. He also, unprompted this week said he'd like to make love to me but he's scared it will just go wrong.

I'm getting a bit frantic despite him giving me a hand with an orgasm a couple of times in the last couple if months. I had a VERY vivid dream last night about a man from work. In the dream this other man made me feel desired and was enthusiastic and physically capable. I know you can't help what you dream and I know I'd never be unfaithful in real life nor do I want to. I just wish I wasn't so frustrated that my subconscious is doing this.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sat Jun 27, 2015 4:03 am

I'm praying for you right now, lbc. May the Lord cover you with His peace while you go through this temporary trial. This is the time to lean on Him with prayer and press in. Thanks for the update.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby ledgemoor » Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:23 am

littleblackcloud wrote:He also, unprompted this week said he'd like to make love to me but he's scared it will just go wrong.
Remind him that it CAN'T go wrong. Whatever happens is good. There is great sex and good sex, but no bad sex. Assure him that you are appreciative of his advances, whatever happens.

I'm getting a bit frantic despite him giving me a hand with an orgasm a couple of times in the last couple if months. I had a VERY vivid dream last night about a man from work. In the dream this other man made me feel desired and was enthusiastic and physically capable. I know you can't help what you dream and I know I'd never be unfaithful in real life nor do I want to. I just wish I wasn't so frustrated that my subconscious is doing this.
Ouch. I had a vivid wet dream in which I committed adultery. It woke me up and I was literally sick. THANK GOD the dream wasn't about a friend or someone I knew. It was caused by an issue in our marriage bed that I wasn't dealing with. It was a wakeup call from God do deal with it, which I did. It will be good for me to remember this if I am ever tempted to cheat.

I will be praying for the whole situation, and especially that he gets his hormones straightened out.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sun Jul 12, 2015 7:59 am

Thanks for the prayers.

The follow up GP appointment still hasn't happened. A combination of the doctor himself being off ill and my husband's work schedule.

Feeling very low today.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:17 pm

Follow up GP appointment got cancelled AGAIN because of his work commitments. I have calmly asked for him to book a day off as annual leave and make it clear he cannot be available for work when the re-re-arranged appointment comes up again this week. I need this to be a priority. He won't think about me booking something with Relate 'till he got any health problems sorted.

I have also asked him if he will share his test results when he gets them. I've looked up the UK guidelines for how a GP should be investigating an obese man in his 40s with hypertension, low libido and ED. Hopefully they will have done the right tests. I strongly suspect that they haven't done a testosterone level which is the test I want them to do most. Just so we can rule that in or out as a problem.

Had another dream. This time about a celebrity.

I did get a bit of perfunctory sexual contact last week. I asked to see if I could return the favour and just see how it went - no pressure. Turned up to bed naked and hopeful for three nights and NOTHING. Finally put my unsexy comfy pyjamas (my I-feel-rejected armour) on last night. No comment from him.

While he was away for a couple of nights last week he asked what I'd been doing and I told him I'd been reading this blog: https://spiceandlove.wordpress.com and crying my way though half a box of tissues. He said we should make time to discuss what in the blog I'd connected with. Cue me being hopeful for a meaningful discussion. Guess what conversation I'm still waiting for a week later?

Also found Michele Weiner-Davis' "The sex-starved marriage" TEDxCU talk on youtube. That was interesting. I see a lot of myself in her description of the higher drive spouse. If I wasn't a Christian I'd be on my way to divorce. I'm formulating exit plans in my head that I know I won't carry out but I'm still thinking them. Alone feels more attractive than married and lonely atm.

Still praying for patience.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Redsbuddy1972 » Mon Jul 20, 2015 6:56 pm

LBC,

I feel your pain and feel the same way, I'd rather be alone by myself, than alone and married. Hope you get some progress soon.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sun Jul 26, 2015 1:39 pm

GP appointment and test results were in on Friday. The GP hadn't ordered a testosterone level at all. I've been waiting to get this test result for nearly four years now. For years I've been wondering if there might be any organic cause for my husband's low libido. He finally went to see a doctor and they just said "oh we don't test that routinely". The doctor also just thinks the ED is just a blip that will sort itself out and is doing nothing about it.

I wept in frustration.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sun Jul 26, 2015 2:29 pm

Praying for you again, LBC.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Mon Jul 27, 2015 3:34 pm

I've written a letter to the doctor explaining the situation briefly and asking him to consider a testosterone test when my husband goes for another follow up check up in a month's time. I have not sent it yet. I don't know if the GP would just think I'm being stupid and interfering. Would the doctor tell my husband I sent a letter about him? Any thoughts?

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Mon Jul 27, 2015 5:16 pm

Honesty is the best policy. Open the communication between you and your DH. Let DH know your concerns. Have everything out in the open. That's what I do.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Tue Jul 28, 2015 12:23 am

My husband knows how I feel. I told him when I cried when I saw they hadn't done the test.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Tue Jul 28, 2015 6:25 am

lbc,

I may be way off base here, and I probably am, but I'm just wondering about something. How do you serve your DH daily? I know you guys are Christians. I am just wondering how do you show your DH that you respect him daily? You see, I have the utmost of respect for my DH. It shows in the small daily things I do for him every single day. It shows in how I approach him. I am a safe place for DH. Sometimes we can disrespect our DH's and not even realize it. I guess I'm not expecting you to give me any details, just do a little self-reflection. A good example would be if I raised my voice to my DH, or belittled DH. Another example would be to embarrass DH in front of others. How about taking charge in areas that take away from DH's headship? Telling DH that he failed somehow can be very emasculating and it depends on the approach. God tells us in His Word how a marriage should function to be healthy. When we get side-tracked, that's when things don't go well.

Have you ever read the book 'Love and Respect' by Eggerichs. It is, by far, the best book about marriage I've ever read and I read a lot. One day I read the part about how my DH would take a bullet (literally) for me. I thought to myself, "Yeah, right!" Then I walked up to my DH and asked him if he would take a bullet for me if someone started shooting at the mall. His "Yes, of course I would" response floored me. This book is spot on. There are many other examples that rang true about our relationship. It also showed me where I needed to improve our marriage (on my part). We all can use some improvement. If you read it already, would you be willing to re-read it?

I bring this up because the sexual aspect of a marriage is the "yellow canary" (litmus test) of the condition of the marriage. If the sexual aspect of a marriage is less than dazzling, maybe it's because something else in the marriage is lacking. Can you self-reflect on the other (emotional, spiritual, intellectual) parts of your marriage and see where you can improve it, on your part? You don't have to reveal them here, just self-reflect. Someone has to be the first to make the efforts. It may not feel fair but that's not what God calls us to do. It's not good to let emotions get in the way of what we should do.

I'm still praying for you and your DH.

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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Tue Jul 28, 2015 1:12 pm

Dear Farmwife,

Thank you for your thoughts. I will have a look at the book (I think chapter 21 will annoy me). I think my embittered attitude now exacerbates his problem but I don't think it caused it in the first place. He didn't want me on our honeymoon. The canary died in the first week.

I know my DH would take a bullet for me without a second thought. He would always do anything he could for me. He really is a lovely man and a great husband. If only I didn't want him to want me!


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