how do I start to fix this?

Low or no sex drive?
Alistair
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Alistair » Mon Aug 15, 2016 5:56 pm

Hi Little black cloud yes please do...!

littleblackcloud
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sun Aug 21, 2016 8:23 am

Now awaiting results of the second testosterone test.

Went to the preliminary relate appointment. Mixed feelings. It got us talking. The councellor suggested that we schedule time for fun and sex. I have been suggesting this (as have the good people of TMB) for years and I'm always told by DH that is will be no good because he wants things to be spontaneous. However, hearing it from someone else seems to have put a new perspective on it for him and since you have to be somewhat planned with viagra, I have since been scheduled in for sex once a weekend!

Another useful thing I realised during the conversation is that I think I went into marriage expecting it to be a support for both of us. Like two people pooling their resources to be able to do more together. I viewed the inward looking stuff as selfish and rather unChristian as surely Christians should be outwardly focused?

On the downside it just felt like councelling always does. They don't tell you much. I think my DH and I both feel we want something structured to do rather than just spend quite a lot of money to have someone listen in on our conversations.

Maybe we should give it one more try.

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IM_a_Farmwife
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sun Aug 21, 2016 5:28 pm

Most couples quit after the fourth or fifth session. I read this somewhere. I'm suggesting that you both give it three months before you call it quits. That way you will surely get to some of the stuff that needs to be dealt with.

Unfulfilled
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby Unfulfilled » Sun Aug 21, 2016 7:14 pm

I agree with farmwife. The first several sessions are really are about building trust and learning . Both of you building trust and getting used to being vulnerable and opening up. And learning on the part of the counselor. You cant expe t the counselor to give too many details and suggestions until the counselor gets a true good fairly comprehensive view of the couple and the dynamics and the history Etc.

So you really need to give it some time for the counselor to be able to offer any specific and tailored advice etc. give it a due commitment .

Also realize that not every counselor will be a great fit for one or both of you. And may require to search out a couple before you "click".

littleblackcloud
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Mon Feb 13, 2017 3:10 pm

We decided to try the counselling again in October/November last year. However we are still waiting for our first new appointment. I hasn't helped that my husband has been out of the country a lot at the end of last year and this year (32 days since the first of Jan). I hope we can get an appointment soon.

The second testosterone test came back just within the normal range. So the doctor thinks he's just fine and not pursuing it.

The sildenafil stoped working after the second time. We tried to have sex a few times. It was a literal flop every time and he got so ratty with me about it. I felt completely blamed for not touching him absolutely perfectly and causing him to falter. I thought it was because my husband didn't love me enough to try the pills again which made me very sad and angry. I even refused one time while we were on holiday in November because I thought "what's the point if you can't be bothered to take a pill". It turns out that he had taken one, and he had taken one every time he had tried. It was just a total flop even with the pills. I felt like my last hope had gone. I was so angry that he hadn't told me once (after the first and second times) that he had taken the pills, he hadn't told me that he was trying them and they just weren't working. I felt so utterly deceived and lied to. We specifically wrote into our vows that we would be "open and honest" and here he was keeping secrets.

He's away at the moment. I miss him so much but I'm also dreading him coming home. I told him today that he needn't worry about me expecting anything from him when he's first home as I'll be menstruating for a few days. His relief was palpable.

My sister just announced she's pregnant again which I'm so pleased about and I know I will love a new niece or nephew but it's not without a twinge of jealousy that her husband loves her and wants to have children with her. I don't want to be a jealous person. I want to rejoice in other people's joy.

I feel utterly worn out with sadness. It's affecting my work I am just so beaten down. I went to my GP and told her I think I'm depressed because I can't have this affect my work. I've got to be able to function. I've been referred for CBT. I'm not sure it's going to help me get over the fact that I am unwanted, un-loved and childless though.

sunny-dee
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby sunny-dee » Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:01 pm

Well, FWIW, if you want to have kids, your husband can't go on testosterone therapy; it causes sterility.

And I feel you. My brother told me last week that he and my SIL are pregnant AGAIN. Their first isn't even a year yet. And I have the double jealousy of not having children and thinking my husband doesn't love me enough for sex. I want to be happy, and it's not like anything that happens in their life diminishes mine ... but it's still there.

littleblackcloud
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Re: how do I start to fix this?

Postby littleblackcloud » Sun Feb 19, 2017 10:52 am

Thanks sunny dee. I know that T therapy would mean sterility. I feel too old for children now anyway. And my husband is right. My mental health probably wouldn't take the strain. I have had to skip church tonight because I'm just so utterly tired. I never wanted to be an old mum. I grieve for my lost opportunity and the fact that the loss was forced on me without discussion by the man who should love me.

I just hope I can love my nieces and nephews without bitterness.


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