Wife does not desire me

Low or no sex drive?
emptynesters
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Wife does not desire me

Postby emptynesters » Tue Oct 13, 2015 9:49 am

Found this board several years ago but kind of gave up. This board has evolved over the years. We have had many changes in the past year ourselves but yet nothing has changed in the bedroom. I left a job of 32 years in 2009 (voluntarily) and started my own business. Best choice I ever made. The business became successful and DW was able to leave her employ two years ago and began working with me. At that point I thought our sex life would change because the stress of her job was always an excuse for not being intimate. (we have some form of sex once a week out of obligation)

Six months ago we sold the business, sold our home and moved to sunny Florida to be near our kids and grand kids. We vacationed in Florida when the kids were young and they wanted to attend college here, graduated and stayed. I am in the process of starting our our business here at this time. We have purchased a lovely home where she is able to enjoy our private pool on a daily basis. (Private because I know she does not like her body even though I have NEVER said anything negative - I love her body!) I have ALWAYS helped with the kids when they were young, done most of the housework (floors, bathrooms, kitchen, exterior, autos, etc)

Well as you can see I am back, I guess out of a sense of desperation. DW and I will be celebrating our 30 year anniversary next month and have a cruise planned :) Our sex life hasn't been good for over 25 years. We have tried to talk about the situation but all I get is "let's just let it happen". Well, it never happens! That's why I gave up several years ago on this web page. I have decided I am not giving up on her. We are not getting younger but I feel age is only a number. I am still a virile man and want to be with her and pleasure her. I work out several times a week (probably the best shape I have ever been in) and dress well and have great hygiene. We are both strong Christians, pray together daily, host home groups and truly love our Lord and Savior. We are living the dream! Except in the bedroom.

I don't know how to get her to WANT me. She has never experienced an orgasm, and says she doesn't care to. I would do anything to give her physical pleasure but seems all she wants is a "wam bam, thank you maam". I am not allowed to give her oral sex, won't allow toys (I have purchased a Hitachi Wand as it seemed not sexual). I am hurting here. I want only her and want her to WANT me. I am almost in tears as I write this.

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby One-woman man » Tue Oct 13, 2015 12:24 pm

Welcome. You have come to a good place.
Sorry to hear of your pain and disappointment.
Not sure I have advice for you. Deeper connection seems to be the need.
I'll pray for you two.
Honoring God in all things

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby Ballad » Tue Oct 13, 2015 2:06 pm

I'm so sorry to read what you are going through, emptynesters. Some of those experiences and feelings are very familiar to me, although they haven't gone on for as long.

You may want to look at the Sexually Refused section, where there is a lot of helpful discussion.

What I'm about to write may not be exactly encouraging, but you need to be aware: your wife will never run out of excuses. Only if her heart changes will there be a difference in your sex life together. Trying to placate her into accepting you sexually does not sound like much of a way to spend the rest of your life.
Here's to the ones who dream
Foolish as they may seem
Here's to the hearts that ache
Here's to the mess we make

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby emptynesters » Tue Oct 13, 2015 6:24 pm

Thanks guys, I will check out the other section. We get along great and enjoy being together, even the bedroom as long as I don't want sex. She does take care of my needs once a week but I feel like it's out of duty, her obligation as a wife. I feel like I am just using her as a masturbation tool. I'm hoping that I can possibly turn her on to this site but at this point I don't think it would go over well. She has to want to change.

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby bigloop » Fri Oct 16, 2015 6:30 am

Just some questions to ponder....
How frank have you been in conversation with her? Do you feel like you could be if you haven't been totally, painfully honest? If there was something you were doing to her that was hurting her equally as much yet she had not told you, how would you feel about that's?

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby emptynesters » Sat Mar 05, 2016 8:37 am

Thanks Bigloop, I have been very frank with her in the past. We have talked about this situation in great depth several years ago. Read books Christian authors Gary Smalley, and Kevin Leheh about intimtacy in marriage. Nothing changed and the response I got and still get is "let's not talk about it and just let it happen". It ain't happining! I'm tired of begging and when she does give in I feel terrible. I want to be wanted. She has to want to change and seems to have no desire to change. I can't change her, only God can do that. I have been praying for a change but after years that prayer has gone unanswered. I have prayers unanswered or been told no by God before but cannot for the life of me figure out why He would deny a healthy love life with my long time wife.

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby Unfulfilled » Sat Mar 05, 2016 9:30 am

^^^^

I am in the exact same boat! I know exactly how you feel.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not asking for the right thing or going about it in the wrong way.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. So both you and I have been doing the same thing for years (praying etc) and we expect a different result from God. The fact that it isn't happening for me was slow to sink in that something more needs to change.

The difficulty is in exactly what God to trying to tell me that I need to do and change in order for God to provide a different result!

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby suffolk sinner DFC » Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:32 pm

emptynesters wrote:I can't change her, only God can do that. I have been praying for a change but after years that prayer has gone unanswered. I have prayers unanswered or been told no by God before but cannot for the life of me figure out why He would deny a healthy love life with my long time wife.


It might be that God can't change her, either. After all, God has given us all free will; it's probably not God denying you a healthy love life, but your wife.

I know this isn't all that helpful, but at least you can let God off the hook.

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby be64 » Sat Mar 05, 2016 10:17 pm

I'm probably naive here, but you say that in thirty years of marriage she has never had an orgasm. It seems no wonder she isn't interested in sex. Though my wife would be happy having less sex than we do, she wouldn't want to go too long without it because she loves orgasms. She's always wishing she could tell her sisters how good her orgasms are.

If you could figure out a way to get her to allow you to give her a really good orgasm perhaps she'd become hooked on sex.
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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby Vanna » Sat Mar 05, 2016 10:49 pm

Is there a reason she won't allow oral? That seems one of the easier ways to get women to o. If she hasn't had one, she has no idea what she's missing- or how to get there. Some of us don't have the easiest engines to rev, I remember the surprise I felt when I accidentally found my orgasm playing around with hubby and outercourse. I didn't have a clue all those years we'd been together that there was anything more to experience. I had no idea that a large percentage of ladies needed more than PIV to orgasm, they don't in the movies, and even romance novels back then always had PIV orgasms. Add to that misinformation the fact that I had no idea what one would feel like to even try to find it... Heck- childbirth came more naturally to me than orgasm.

Then once I found it, reproducing it was equally elusive. There are moments I have had serious doubts about Gods design of female sexuality, theres no yellow brick road like there is for men, it's more like tracking down the fountain of youth for some ladies. I know some have it easy, like five minutes with a shower head in the tub, but that would be to easy in my life- lol.

Have you done much research on manual stim to help her figure out her gear? Hubby found that "She Comes First" was helpful for guiding him through the nuances. It might help you experiment a bit.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby be64 » Sat Mar 05, 2016 11:02 pm

When we got married I did not know that more than PIV intercourse was necessary. Luckily my wife had a PIV orgasm soon after we were married and after the first one we worked out how to make her orgasms happen. She's been enjoying them ever since.

I'll add that a high frequency vibrator strategically placed is a fairly easy way to make them happen. A vibratory on the inside at the same time doesn't hurt either.
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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby Vanna » Sat Mar 05, 2016 11:52 pm

^^^ Yep- my vibe is my friend. Some ladies have easy orgasm, for me it would take literally 30 minutes of concerted oral and manual stim to get there. Before too long, I felt like a project, not a sex kitten. A little, cheap massage style "finger" or stick vibe has been a world changer. Thirty minutes whittled down to ten.

It can be challenging to get the first one, if you've been at this for 30 years without stumbling on it yet, she may not be one of the gals who has a straight forward o process, plus a big component of female orgasm is also mental- the more excited they are in the process mentally, the better the chances are for an o.

Don't give up- but, here is the catch 22- if you get too focused on making her o an obvious goal, she may feel too much pressure or a fear of disappointing you, and that can hinder it too. Crazy, I know, but it isn't uncommon. See, ladies hear about gals who o easily, and if they can't then it becomes embarrassing even though there isn't a whole lot we can do to change our wiring. Each lady is wired differently as to what works.

If she won't allow oral or a vibe, you will have the challenge of learning manual stim, mayhap some others here can give you some tips for manual. It varies a lot, but my hubby has too firm a touch, so I had to do my own before we got the vibe- even when I did it there were times I got too "touched out" from friction to get there. Even with experience my success rate was 50%, with the vibe it's 100%.

I don't know if you'll find any of that helpful. But, honestly, sex without an orgasm is a very different experience from one with it, she just doesn't know how much different.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby emptynesters » Sun Mar 06, 2016 11:32 am

I would do ANYTHING to give my wife an orgasm or to even have her experience one alone. Obviously I don't know what a female orgasm feels like but if it is anything like a male I am positive she would enjoy. I purchased several different vibrators for my wife but she refuses to use them alone or with me. The problem can no longer be attributed to work since she quit working 2 years ago. I thought things might change but I was wrong again. I don't know where to turn. Our pastor is our son-in-law so not talking to him :) . I still pray and hope that there may be a change in her desire but I am going to start praying that my sexual desires will be taken away. ALL sexual desires, not just for her, because I don't want to be tempted elsewhere. I have had the opportunity twice in our marriage and both times I ran but at that time I had a stronger feeling that it would change.
Today we went out to eat after church with our daughter's family and as we were walking in to the restaurant I held her hand and loved how soft and tiny it felt in mine. It just made me almost break down. I'm afraid this part of my life will never come to fruition and I will die never knowing what could have been. It consumes me. Thanks for allowing me to vent, I have no one to share this with other that this community.

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby Vanna » Sun Mar 06, 2016 12:37 pm

Has she shared what her reservations are concerning oral and vibes? You also mention she has some self image doubts- any idea where they stem from? Have they always been there? Is she at all adventurous in other ways in bed- lights on, blankets off, nice undies and a bikini shave? Baby steps toward relaxing her guard?

You might consider copying your original post here and putting it in an I Love You card and giving it to her. It is a glimpse into your heart and soul that might give her a glimmer of compassion and awaken a desire to grow closer to you.

Don't give her the whole thread cause the cheating thing will just shut her down and confirm in her mind that any warm body would do if she doesn't make herself available. That won't sell the heart of your plight.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby Alistair » Sun Mar 06, 2016 12:38 pm

So sorry for you

It seems to me she is happy with the way things are and doesn't care about your pain, if you have been forth right about the hurt she causes you.

Unless God reaches her or you cause a theraputic crisis that creates a situation where she is forced to confront her selfishness then sadly yes maybe the best thing to hope for is no desire.

::bh

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby seeking perspective » Sun Mar 06, 2016 1:03 pm

Has your wife ever expressed a disappointment in the lack of orgasms for her? I didn't experience once until we'd been married for well over a year, and even now it continues to be elusive for me. This has been a source of frustration and sadness for me--not as much because I wanted to have orgasms but because I felt betrayed by my body and because the only thing my husband seemed to enjoy about sex was the one thing I couldn't understand. I felt like a failure as a woman. I'm curious about how your wife feels about this. The Bonny's OysterBed7 blog has a series of posts about orgasms. The link takes you to a post that links all the posts at the bottom.

If your wife is resistant to reading about sex, perhaps she might be willing to do some reading to help grow in marriage in more general ways. I recommend The Generous Wife, which really helped transform my heart into an attitude of generosity.

Whereas you see the presenting problem as a lack of desire for you, your wife might see the problem as something else entirely. Has she ever expressed things that she is unhappy about in your marriage?
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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby OldBear » Sun Mar 06, 2016 2:19 pm

emptynesters wrote:I would do ANYTHING to give my wife an orgasm or to even have her experience one alone. Obviously I don't know what a female orgasm feels like but if it is anything like a male I am positive she would enjoy.

. . .

I still pray and hope that there may be a change in her desire but I am going to start praying that my sexual desires will be taken away.


Emptynesters, your first statement of desire and optimism is hope that springs eternal. Your standalone statement above reveals disappointment and despair - perfectly natural and normal. Please don't pray for God-given sexual desire for your wife to be taken from you! Painful as the lack of sexual enthusiasm from your DW may be, enjoy her generosity to provide you sexual release even though you hunger for sexual intimacy for her and the two of you.

It seems that you express two hopes. 1) That your DW will desire you - a hope for unprompted intimacy. 2) That your DW would experience an O. Continue to lovingly and sensitively pursue your wife.

Just a question or two. Do you compliment her on her beauty (outside and inside) and how she dresses and how her hand in your hand thrills you? Do you romance her? Knowing her 'love language' do you engage in 'acts of service' to provide 'gifts' etc.? Most women love flowers (haven't heard of nor know a woman that doesn't). It is oft said that, "Intimacy that leads to sexual fulfillment in the bedroom starts in the 'kitchen?" I think sexual intimacy is a journey of a lifetime developed by couples exploring ways that deepen the love and sexual desire for each other.

The women on this board have written about their awakening - a desire for intimate sex. Also, there is plenty of input and advice, as Vanna well explains, on the discovery of how to reach orgasm and the extraordinary delight of an O. Perhaps our TMB women will continue to suggest ways to address your desire and need for sexual intimacy and how to encourage your wife to experience an O as they ask questions to provide tips on how to lovingly minister to your DW. It's quite likely that if your DW discovered how to O, she would be more intimate. Based on your story, that may not be automatic as she has lived a life of ambivalence toward intimate sex. It may take much patience and time.

The elusive O for a DW challenges many a marriage bed. As I've shared before, in our elder years, Mrs. Oldbear and I have lessened libidos. We often laugh and agree that our spirit is HD for sex but our flesh is sometimes in 'Park.' Sometimes we enjoy the grand height of an O during LMing for both of us. Sometimes we both stop trying too hard to O, laugh, snuggle and enjoy the sublime of drifting off to sleep or lying next to each enjoying a soft touch or deep cuddle. Don't pray for sexual desire to disappear or dissipate - that will come soon enough in your life!

A final thought. All Os are not created equal. My O as a young man is far different than 50 years later - much less intense. Mrs. Oldbear and I recently talked about her change in O - even more dramatic. As Mrs. Youngbear she Oed every time we had sex and experienced a 'powerful ecstatic, tingly, long-lasting O.' These days, since her oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) and no HRT (conservative protocol to defeat potential cancer) in order to achieve an O she needs focus and intimacy. Even so, her Os are nothing like her child-bearing days. As she explains to me, her Os are more reflexive these days than involuntary. In her youth, an O came upon her, in her elder years she comes upon her O. Because of her experience and expertise she can O with work (her control and my help). Most interestingly, I would not know this if she had not told me. She is very expressive when she Os and her body (FE and after-O tightness) confirms it.

Keep the faith! Hopefully your DW will initiate intimate sexual desire and also experience an O through her willingness to experiment and learn do so along with your loving encouragement.

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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby be64 » Sun Mar 06, 2016 3:05 pm

OldBear, this is off topic but I'm not sure I understand you correctly. In the following statement do you mean they were less intense then or now?

"A final thought. All Os are not created equal. My O as a young man is far different than 50 years later - much less intense."

I ask because at 51 my orgasms are the best they've ever been. Intercourse is infinitely better as well.
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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby be64 » Sun Mar 06, 2016 3:11 pm

The following thread on living sexually has some good ideas on living your daily life in such a way that having sex becomes part of the natural flow of events. It's worth looking at if you haven't already.


viewtopic.php?f=94&t=65946&p=1033606&hilit=Living+sexually#p1033606
The secret to having everything is believing you already do!

emptynesters
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Re: Wife does not desire me

Postby emptynesters » Sun Mar 06, 2016 8:04 pm

Please don't pray for God-given sexual desire for your wife to be taken from you! Painful as the lack of sexual enthusiasm from your DW may be, enjoy her generosity to provide you sexual release even though you hunger for sexual intimacy for her and the two of you.


I feel a huge guilt each time I "enjoy" her generosity to provide a sexual release. Yes it feels great and I am grateful for the help she provides. I feel that the longer I let this go on the more she will feel that it is all that I need.


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