Wife does not desire me

[emptynesters]

Do you compliment her on her beauty (outside and inside) and how she dresses and how her hand in your hand thrills you? Do you romance her?

All the time! As I held her hand today I remarked at how soft her hand felt in mine. As we were dressing for church this morning she asked how her dress looked and I told her she made the dress look great. (She did look great as she has recently lost 20lbs in prep for a European trip, but not for me) I always bring her flowers for no reason, just because and she is grateful and shows if physically but not sexually (great big hug and kiss). My dad taught me that sexual fulfillment starts in the kitchen and I have always practiced that as well. She actually told me once that she felt I didn't think she did a good enough job of cleaning as the reason why I helped around the house.

The elusive O for a DW challenges many a marriage bed.

I'm sure but it is really is going to be elusive if DW doesn't care of have a desire to achieve the elusive O. From what I understand no matter what I do she will not O unless she wants to.

[be64]

At this point I would say enjoy her generosity. Don't feel guilty for her allowing you something you should be having as a married couple.

[bigloop]

I still pray and hope that there may be a change in her desire but I am going to start praying that my sexual desires will be taken away. ALL sexual desires, not just for her, because I don't want to be tempted elsewhere.

Please don't go down that road friend - it only leads to bitterness and resentment. Remember:

1Co 10:13 ESV No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

I won't say the God can't take away all desire from you, but I will say that I don't think He would - because that would be against His own written will for you and your marriage. Thus praying for something that is not His will only leaves you angry - and whom do you think that anger will manifest itself against? Only two choices.... I know the desperation you feel as I've prayed that prayer many times. And it left me bitter and angry and resentful. But then I considered that I was praying for something that God has expressly indicated in His word that He expects quite the opposite. Was it sinful for me to pray for that? I don't know, but it was unwise and showed a lack of faith on my part. And anything not done in faith is ..... well, you probably know the scripture.

1Jn 5:14 ESV And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.

What is God's will in your marriage? Pray for the wisdom to know it, for the courage to act on it and for it to be fulfilled by whatever means God chooses.

[emptynesters]

After being away from the board for 7 months I am back. Yes I am bitter and resentful and I hate it. I don't know what else to do. I guess just resign myself to the fact I will never have a good sex life and quit obsessing over it.

[bigloop]

I'm not going back to re-read all this thread, but it's probably here somewhere. Anyway - Define for yourself what a "good sex life" would be. You don't have to share it here, but you can if you want. Really think about it and don't just quickly spout off something out of your bitterness and resentment.

[pop fish]

emptynester: Check out and read about a "shot across the bow."

I am in a 50 year marriage and things in TMB only started to change about 3 three years ago after much discussion and many battles. There is still a lack of desire many times on the part of DW but I have managed to accept duty sex many times with desired sex occasionally.

[OG Edit: to change link to TMB location]

[ledgemoor]

Hi 'Nester,

Sorry you are going thru this.

She's never had an orgasm, and never wants sex. This is not normal -- there is something medical going on. Get her to a good bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy doctor.

There are heart issues too (there always are it seems) -- if it were merely hormones, she might not desire sex, but hormones don't cause an aversion to it. She should still enjoy the affection that of necessity accompanies sex, and enjoy it because you enjoy it so much. Unfortunately, a woman with no negative attitudes about sex is rare.

The difficult part will be getting her to go to the doctor. There are things you can do to encourage your wife to work on her marriage and discourage her from leaving things they way they are. Another take on a "shot across the bow".
http://www.madaboutmarriage.com/article ... h=stranger
The relevant part starts at about 15 minutes.

Something else that might help a little.
http://www.healthyrelationshipsrx.com/s ... y=14153037
It's purpose is to help women increase their enjoyment of sex. I don't think the medical, psychological, and spiritual information in this video alone will do much for your wife, however. The reason I recommend it is that Jennifer Degler is a nice Christian girl who LOVES sex. Her attitude isn't "do this for your husband". It is "do it for you". It might do your wife good to be exposed to a woman who is so sex-positive. It is entertaining to boot.

[poetess]

Unfortunately, a woman with no negative attitudes about sex is rare.

?? I've never seen a study supporting that, and it doesn't seem like a very positive place to start.

[doug-h]

Are you joking? It is the prevalent topic right now. J. Parker all but says it is the husbands job to earn the right to be seen as something other than just another pervert.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen- ... 30416.html?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/whitney-l ... 33622.html

http://hotholyhumorous.com/2016/10/your ... -harassed/

[ledgemoor]

?? I've never seen a study supporting that, and it doesn't seem like a very positive place to start.

My comment is based on observation colored by my own marriage. I haven't seen a study refuting it either. I hope I'm wrong.

[sunny-dee]

J Parker, and a few others, do seem to assume that women as a rule have very negative attitudes and experiences about sex -- from blaming the church for emphasizing purity to promiscuous pasts to (the latest) rampant sexual harassment.

Maybe that's true? For my own part, I actually don't have any of that -- I didn't have a sexual history, I had a lot of interest and positive attitudes about sex, and I have never, ever viewed men as predatory. (I also have never encountered any sexual harassment, fwiw.) Honestly, among a handful of really close friends (the only ones I'm close enough to to speak about sex freely) only one out of, like, six has said anything remotely negative about sex, and her thing was that she made her husband wear a condom because she didn't like the messiness and discharge if he didn't.

I'm not saying that maybe there aren't pockets of problems, but like poetess says, it really isn't all women.

Then again, despite being super sex-positive myself, my husband is completely resistant to sex with me. So, who knows. People are weird.

[poetess]

Doug,

There's a huge difference in detesting being harassed, groped, etc. by strangers and having a negative attitude about marital sex. Assuming "she's a woman, and therefore she has a negative attitude about sex" is just has hurtful as "He's a man, and therefore he's a pervert." And you know what? The assumption about "all women are negative about sex" is stronger on this board than the assumption "all men are perverts." Not sure when I've seen the second one expressed on here, but I've seen the first said or hinted a lot. And it isn't helpful.

It's a whole lot better to say "My wife (this individual person I love) has some hesitations, and I love her and I want to find out why" than to say "My wife is a woman, and therefore she hates sex, and therefore I have to fight her on this issue, like most other men do."

[doug-h]

I'm sorry Poetess.

That probably came across a little harshly. The truth is that there are any number of obstacles, and this one has been very much in the media spotlight of late, including this thread.

viewtopic.php?f=107&t=67322.

It was not something that was on my radar before, but now it seems that it is the hot button topic.

On a personal note, I have literally been called a pervert by my wife for requesting to see her naked, so it is at least somewhat reinforced there. With that in mind, maybe this hits a little close to home.

We aren't there any more, or I should say we are moving from there. A lot of damage from a lot of years is being undone. It is easy to be discouraged when it seems the whole world stacks the deck against what a marriage should be, and I am referring to a lot more than sex. This just topic just adds to a long list of obstacles, so when you say

It's a whole lot better to say "My wife (this individual person I love) has some hesitations, and I love her and I want to find out why"

It seems obvious. The practical application of that concept is probably more dependant on the wife than the husband.

I get the whole trust issue. I was probably equally if not more untrusting than my wife was.
What I know, catagorically, is that you dont learn to trust, till you choose to trust, and I don't see that message anywhere.

It applies equally to husbands as it does wives, but I do think that it is predominantly a woman issue. It comes up here often enough to lead me to believe that. I think with men it is probably different conceptually, because safety is somewhat removed from the eqution.

I see constant references to earning trust, but not a single one about choosing to trust.

[SeekingChange]

If you went through all my posts, you would see references to "choosing to trust" my husband. They're there, I am sure I'm not the only one....just maybe not recently.

[doug-h]

Thank you for pointing that out. I had read it but it has been awhile.

[marriedforlife90]

I think part of the problem is changing a 30 year old pattern. If I wasn't having orgasms, I wouldn't want to have sex either. What is the point? It wouldn't be enjoyable... That is the place to start...making it about HER and HER pleasure. THEN she would be hooked and would want to make YOU feel that awesome. Now, since she has no idea what she is missing and sex is just something for him... I don't know what to do about that. This would have been much, much easier to fix at year 1 or 2. Year 30..... I don't know.

[bigloop]

My DW of 24 years would disagree with this ^^^ from the standpoint that an orgasm or not should not be (is not for her) the motivation for sex.

[Hiswifeagain]

I disagree as well. Incorrect beliefs about pleasure make orgasm something that can be fearful. The loss of control, the idea that sex is fleshly and therefore at odds with godliness make sex something to practice with restraint for some people.


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[emptynesters]

I think part of the problem is changing a 30 year old pattern. If I wasn't having orgasms, I wouldn't want to have sex either. What is the point? It wouldn't be enjoyable... That is the place to start...making it about HER and HER pleasure. THEN she would be hooked and would want to make YOU feel that awesome. Now, since she has no idea what she is missing and sex is just something for him... I don't know what to do about that. This would have been much, much easier to fix at year 1 or 2. Year 30..... I don't know.

Sorry, it's been more than a year since my last visit. I would love to make it about her and her pleasure but she has told me she doesn't care if she has an orgasm, never has never will. Her words, not mine. The situation is worse than ever before and I am totally frustrated. Thanks for your input.

[saltcity]

emptynester, my DW doesn't want oral or toys either. She is able to orgasm but it is sometimes months when she doesn't. It seems like when she struggles the most, she is stressed about other things. As we talk in bed, rather than looking into my eyes and talking about us, her mind is elsewhere. No matter what I do, she doesn't get close to orgasming. Don't take it personally. She has to want it and be a really focused and active participant. Any distractions, even stray thoughts, can throw her off.

There are a couple of things that have helped us.

1. We went to a marriage seminar last month. It wasn't overtly sexual, but there was a lot of discussions about communication, the natural differences between men and women, and strengthening marriages. There are probably classes available in your area, but this is the one that I went to http://www.3keyelements.com/trainings/royalty-romance/ It helps a lot to talk with other couples who value their own marriages and see that what you are going through is very normal and common. It is worth continuing to invest in your relationship!

2. I know that you said that you already show love to your wife outside the bedroom with flowers, helping around the house, etc. Women really need to feel loved and romantic outside the bedroom before they feel wanted and then want their husband. I go out of my way to hold her hand or put my arm around her when we are together at church or other activities, open doors for her, text her during the day, and anything that I can do to help her know that I'm thinking about her. Rather than jumping into intimacy, we try to go slowly. I have looked at a lot of ways to incorporate massage into foreplay and "setting the stage" with our whole bedroom to be more intimate. I have gotten a lot of good ideas looking at these videos, even though I didn't sign up for the whole package. Here is a review of them: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/0 ... ge-is-fun/