Sex Disgusts Me

Low or no sex drive?
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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sun Mar 20, 2016 4:23 pm

MC, I do actually understand and I did feel the same as you describe. You'd know if you read some of my earliest threads here, but they've been deleted. What I'm trying to share is that it doesn't have to stay that way. You don't have to be a slave to how you feel at this moment. I would ask that you stick around. Keep reading, posting and even try to argue your case if you need to. When your thoughts about sex change to more healthy ones, you won't have to try to change your feelings. They will gradually shift and you won't be mortified at the thought of discussing sex with your husband.

Really, I wasn't kidding when I said I would cry just reading about sex. And don't try to read Sheet Music right now. That would be a big mistake IMO. If you want a book to start with try The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex. Don't get the ebook because you will want to be able to throw it at the wall sometimes. Just be sure to pick it back up after you've had a good cry.

Sweetie, your dh is probably trying hard to be patient, but your marriage won't thrive if you won't do the hard work to overcome this obstacle.

Why are you afraid of being vulnerable? Where does this come from. That may help you in overcoming this fear.


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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby DW of 2P » Sun Mar 20, 2016 4:57 pm

mc2486 wrote: I don't understand why I feel this way, when we could barely keep our clothes on before we got married.


I understand and I don't expect you to love sex right now. I sure didn't.
I was very much like you in that I waited for marriage and then was totally thrown off by actually having (or trying to have) sex on the honeymoon. Everything you said I also experienced - the naked parts, the fluids, the smell, the pain. What was supposed to be good about this? I tensed up - totally unable to let him in. We tried which hurt and made me feel worse. We tried lube. Nothing. Everything was sore, nothing felt good. I felt terrible for my husband and I was asking the same question, why was I crazy about this before the wedding and now it's a turn off? He was bewildered too. We talked to an old OBGYN who gave us a gruff, " she's not broken in yet". What was I, a horse? This did not help my mindset. As things continued badly, we would try, he would feel good, I would hurt, he would feel bad and we both ended up feeling terrible. That was a pattern for years.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's unusual to have to figure out the sexual relationship. We are 17 years in now and I can look back and see what the problems were. Mostly, we both had bad expectations. I did not expect to respond to the animal side of sex with repulsion. But I did. You are responding this way too. Your body is responding to your repulsion mindset. It's responding as if there was a threat. So he lays there and feels good and you experience pain. You will never like sex ever, nor would anybody, if this pattern continues. So you have to change the pattern. That doesn't mean you force yourself to like sex. It means you start over. You go back. You go slow. You talk to your man. My guess is that before the wedding you were very comfortable with the physical. It was familiar to you and therefore safe. Hugging and touching and kissing your man brought you pleasure, not anxiety. Now it gives you anxiety. Now kissing and hugging give you anxiety because he might consider it an offer to go further, which brings you anxiety and continues this mindset and protective body response. When you feel arousal your body will respond. Right now that arousal is blocked by your continual negative sexual experiences.

2 years in, sex actually felt good one time. I was pleased. I was also surprised. But I wasn't all of a sudden ready to have all kinds of wild sex. But it gave me hope. What I found out is that I am a really protective person. Being vulnerable is not easy for me. Sex created way too much vulnerability. Being married only a day, I wasn't prepared to trust him with me. I wasn't prepared to be that vulnerable. I had no idea I would react like that. It took years for me to get comfortable. I also had not anticipated pain. I hated the idea of OS, it NEVER wouldn't have been my choice. I mean, I didn't think people actually did that (why would anyone want to do that?) This was my thinking. So here we were.
Things got a little better when I found out he liked it when I moved around a little. I know, this is basic stuff. But no one told me this. I didn't know what to do in bed. I didn't know how to act. I was embarrassed a lot. SO uneasy. When I felt arousal, I responded. As I responded he responded. Feeling him respond made me respond better and guess what. For the first time I actually felt like ok, that wasn't so bad.

I tell you this because I want you to understand that it's ok where you are. It's pretty normal to have to grow in trust and grow in understanding of each other to have a great sexual relationship. You first have to stop your body from freaking out on you, and the best way to do that is to stop feeding the dangerous mindset that since you feel this way now, you will always feel this way and that you can't do anything about it. You can. Marriage is about giving and about sacrifice. About loving another more than yourself. It is so scary to take the first step. God is ok with sex. I had to really remind myself of that. There are so many mind games we start to play. Find out what your mind games are and challenge them. I would be happy to walk with you through this. You are not the only one, I hope this was helpful.

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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby seeking perspective » Sun Mar 20, 2016 5:11 pm

I'm sorry that you are struggling with this aspect of your marriage. When sexual intimacy is working well, it can bring so much joy--but when it isn't working well, it can be a source of pain and frustration.

Do you recall when sex started to feel disgusting to you? It sounds like you had a different view of it before you married. When did your views change?

Something in your OP stood out for me:

I am extremely frustrated and it has gotten to the point that the thought of anything sexual repulses me, and I am so bitter that some people are able to enjoy this and some women actually have long orgasms.


This makes my heart ache, because I felt that same bitterness at one time. I didn't experience an orgasm until I'd been married for eighteen months. Until then, every time we had sex I felt like my body was abnormal. Everyone else seemed to be able to have sex so easily. What was wrong with me? I felt betrayed by my body...and that affected my attitude toward sex, toward my body, and toward my husband who had such an easy time with sex. It was a source of deep pain for me.

I hated sex, and when pressed to explain why, I pointed to the things I could understand: it was messy, it was focused on my husband so was not for me, it took time away that I'd rather spend sleeping, etc. Although I thought these were the reasons I hated sex, it turned out that they were surface issues rather than the real problem.

I'd like to encourage you to spend some time in prayer to help you dig below the surface to understand what the real source of your disgust is. If you fully understand what is going on, it will be easier to figure out a path for moving forward.

But try to imagine where I'm coming from and what I'm going through. I HATE intimacy. This is not something I'm doing on purpose nor is it something I can control. "Keep trying" is not going to make me enjoy sex or change how I feel about intimacy. I don't like being naked and vulnerable and I don't enjoy any type of touch, kissing, or bodily fluid. There is nothing for me to keep trying because I can't stand to try any of it.


I don't believe for a minute that you are doing this on purpose. This is the way you feel--and my guess is that the longer you feel this way, the bigger the problem seems to become. Fortunately, you can work on your feelings. Maybe you can't change them right away, but you can work to deal with them in ways that make the problem easier rather than harder.

I'd like to suggest some steps for you to take.

First, let your husband know that you understand that sexual intimacy is important even though you don't feel like it is--and reassure him that it is something you are going to work on. It may take a while, but let him know that you love him enough to try to figure it out. Ask him to help you with some of the other things I'm going to suggest.

Second, begin to work on intimacy outside of sex. What are the ways that you experience love and intimacy in your marriage? If you see sex as something that your husband desires, what is it that you desire? Do you need conversation? Holding hands while you walk through the park? Having him share an experience from his day with you? Being able to talk about your day and know that he truly hears you? Work on intimacy overall in your marriage will be good in many ways.

Third, pick one small thing to work on. For instance, you say you don't enjoy any type of kissing. You could work on that--and start outside the bedroom. Tell your husband that your first step is going to be to get more comfortable with kissing, and that you need to trust that it won't be something that leads to sex. Ask him to wait at least an hour after "kissing practice" before he approaches you for sex. Now, understand that this won't be easy for him. It is likely that he will become aroused--but be prepared for this and know that he can't control what his body does. Just work on enjoying the kissing.

If kissing is too much of a first step, then pick something else and break it down into baby steps. You said that you are experiencing panic attacks when being touched. Perhaps a step could be to work on taking deep breaths when you think about being touched. It's small, but it's a step.

Trying to deal with everything at once is overwhelming and seems impossible--so work on just one small step at a time. Work on one thing at a time long enough to be both comfortable and confident. It doesn't have to be one big change overnight. You can just take one step--and coming here to ask for input was a great first step for you to take. It means you have already gotten started.

This really is something you can work on. It may not be easy, but it will be far easier now than if you let this get worse for a couple decades and then try to tackle it. I'm sending you some (((hugs))) for encouragement.
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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby padsnd » Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:08 pm

Thanks for the replies to the questions. I want to offer a few quick things from them:

Get some old towels. We have a stack that is basically a whole set of wash cloths, hand towels, and full-sized towels for the bedroom. One goes down before we start and some of the smaller ones are placed at arms reach. This makes it easier to relax and stay around for cuddling, etc. before washing up. I've even heard of some using a crib protector sheet as a base layer under the big towel to keep the sheets clean.

Once you have the towels, get used to using the lube. It may feel bad at first. I hate creams because they make my skin feel "slimy". Lube makes it even more like that. But, I got used to using lots of it because it does make a profound difference. For pain like you describe a first step is to use enough lube inside, outside, and on him that the towels under you get wet--possibly soaked. Then, you can back off from there.

Before you go to PIV, have many encounters that are just hand (and/or yes I will say it OS). I know you have an aversion to OS, but I really want you to consider the following things that most in your shoes believe incorrectly:

* The immature jokes about the smell of your parts are lies. Your odor is designed to be arousing to your DH so don't think it is gross for that reason.
* The area is cleaner from a bacteria standpoint than just about any other part, so don't think that it is gross because I pee there. It sounds crude, but you vomit out of your mouth, and after cleaning up, you don't hold off on kissing forever.
* Your parts are beautiful to your DH. He isn't grossed out by them.
* Your DH will likely find equal or greater pleasure in being able/allowed to "rock your world" in this way than even his own O. Doing this is a major ego boost.


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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby hifromme67 » Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:17 pm

In all honesty, there are some deeper issues besides the pain you feel during sex, etc. you truly need to speak to a therapist to address why you feel the way you do. No amount of responses on forums can help. Please look into your husband's EAP or health insurance. There is a reason you are disgusted by sex and intimacy. I do feel for you as you are so young.

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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:31 pm

padsnd wrote:Your DH will likely find equal or greater pleasure in being able/allowed to "rock your world" in this way than even his own O. Doing this is a major ego boost.

While this is certainly true, but I'd like her to focus on enjoying sex for herself rather than as an extension of her husband's
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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby padsnd » Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:33 pm

I would also add that most of those responding to you have been in shoes similar to yours or your husbands. We do empathize with your situation. We are DHs whose wives had pain. We are DWs who struggled with this. We know what this looks like where you are, and we know what it looks like when you come through it. Some of us know what it looks like to be stuck in it for years too--from both sides. I do empathize with you. When I write, I do so because I don't want anyone who I could help to live the pain I know. I know many on here who do the same thing. Sometimes I say something a bit too harsh, but I've seen lives not just marriages destroyed by this. That is why I post. I don't post because I want everyone to have more sex. I post because I believe most limits on sex stem from one of many lies that cause real damage beyond anything sex related.

I'm one who probably now could post to the "those who said,,,no" forum because my situation has changed, but I still stay away from it. Even with that, I half agree with those who say that you might want to post there. I would recommend having two threads--this one where you have to brace yourself for more blunt input possibly from those in your DH's (or worse) position and one there where you can talk and be comforted and challenged softly. In that forum, those who know the pain of your DHs side of things are not allowed to post. This is a good thing for a safe place to post and receive help, but it also leaves out a side of this that those who post there quite frankly can't begin to understand. I cringe when I see a thread go that way and the person never posts again outside there because I know that sometimes knowing how this affects your spouse--especially when they put on a good face--is critical to healing.


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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby padsnd » Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:35 pm

Hiswifeagain wrote:While this is certainly true, but I'd like her to focus on enjoying sex for herself rather than as an extension of her husband's

Agreed, but I was addressing the fact that many believe the lie that OS is a one-sided act when OS is as much for the giver than the receiver. That was my point.
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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:36 pm

Oh, I get you now. :)


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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Vanna » Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:37 pm

What I shared, I didn't say lightly. My marriage bed has been through so many growing pains that sometimes when I share about the varied problems we've worked through, I feel I must sound like I'm making it all up. Lol.

But for us, we have 28 accumulated years of history now. So we've been up and down a lot of hills and mountains in this journey, across some deserts, and right now we're enjoying a hard-earned hiatus on a private island... That we swam to through sharks. Lol.

You've gotten some great advice here from some wonderful, sympathetic gals who are great at supporting ladies through hard transitions. What your are going through isn't so uncommon. The keys to overcoming is in deciding you aren't going allow the enemy use this season to stop you from enjoying a Song of Solomon marriage with your new groom. It's in your grasp to overcome this bit by bit. God didn't design intimacy to be easy, but He did design it to help us overcome our fears, strongholds, and selfish tendencies. The entire marriage experience in and out of the bedroom is all about selfless love poured out on each other each day.

I didn't have an orgasm for 4 years. Then I spent 12 years faking it 75% of the time because it was so hard to get there. Things haven't always been fantastic in our bedroom- far from it. I had hang ups and fears and embarrassment that God helped me overcome. I read books on intimacy, posted here at TMB a lot. Wasted 16 years of time in a meager sexual state, and as I look back, I wish I had known more when we married. I wish someone had been bold enough to share how much closer, how much more amazing and full filling it could be if I got past some stuff and let God help me relax and grow.

It's great you were brave enough to search for answers. Don't feel you have to do it all at once. Go step by step. Find the root of your fear of messiness. Sex is messy, babies are messy, tacos are messy... Good things are messy. Laugh about it, keep a damp washcloth by the bed, put a beach towel on the bed. Use coconut oil, it's not globby or sticky and smelly. It's good for you, good for your skin, good for your vaginal pH. Then maybe work on learning new ways to kiss, learn to enjoy touching with clothes on and then enjoying the visuals of undressing, then full body massaging each other with oil.

Great sex doesn't happen TO you, it happens WITH you- as you do things to each other and respond to each other. Just laying there will sincerely Not get you to an ecstatic sexual experience. It will be tepid and lackluster, and you'll be miserable, and so will he. That's not what God has planned for either of you.

Please hear me from the heart of a woman who waited 16 years to surrender to the uncomfortable process of honesty and vulnerability in her marriage. Marriage blossoms when all areas flow together into a place of agape, phileo, and Eros love combined. They create an amazing place of bonding and fulfillment. It's worth every ounce of effort, growth, and dying to self. God has an amazing capacity for healing our hearts, bodies, and minds so we can become one flesh with our spouse.
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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby SeekingChange » Sun Mar 20, 2016 7:44 pm

How much have you sought the Lord on this?

Do you love your husband? Do you love Christ?

If your answer is yes to one or both of those, there's really not an option of not working on this. I seriously doubt you can change this on your own, but I also believe, in Christ, God has given us everything we need. He is a Healer, He is a changer of hearts, He is a Restorer and a Rebuilder, in Him we can have a transforming of our mind and a renewing of our heart. If we don't believe God is who He says He is and God can do what He says He can do, where is our hope? Where is our active faith? Run to Him, always run to Him first, and let Him guide you to others for help.
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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby mc2486 » Sun Mar 20, 2016 7:50 pm

Thank you all for the help and insight. My husband does not have EAP with his work, so we will have to find another way if I want professional help. I like the idea of starting completely over, so we will see how that goes. I will try to be more open to the mess but I am not sure I will ever be 100% accepting of it.

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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby hifromme67 » Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:30 pm

I completely understand what you are saying. You cannot enjoy sex or pretend to enjoy when you don't know why you are feeling the way you are. It isn't that simple. See if there is a therapist that works on a sliding-scale.

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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Stumoo » Mon Mar 21, 2016 3:11 am

mc2486 wrote:I have been to the gynecologist who basically told me it was all in my head and I need to get over it. She suggested vaginal dilators which I have ordered but have yet to try. At this point, since I'm not even interested in sex, the dilators would just be so that my husband can enjoy sex without worrying about hurting me.


'All in your head' doctors are so ignorant, it makes me mad. Happens with all sorts of problems; chronic illness, depression, and, as with you, sexual problems. You can't just 'get over it' any more than a person with depression can 'get over it', indeed, not any more than a person with cancer can just 'get over it'.

Even if the problem is psychological, that does not make it any less serious, or put you any more in control. On the plus side, it doesn't make it any less treatable. You have made an excellent decision to come here and discuss it, and as you can see from other people's responses, it can take a long time to recover but it will be worth it.

My second point about the quoted text is that you are in a bit of a chicken and egg scenario - sex is painful so you don't enjoy it, and you can't even think about sex in a positive manner, because it hurts. It certainly won't be a bad idea to try the dilators because if they work and you have sex without pain, you may over time overcome the negative association that sex = pain, and start building positive associations. There's no guarantee there though because you've developed an aversion to most types of physical touch :(

Finally, do pray alone, with your husband, with any close friends you'd trust with this info. Pray and seek God's guidance. Read his word. Ask for healing and restoration. Ask that you may have his perspective on love. It is hard to hear God (still, small voice and all that) but don't give up.

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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby padsnd » Mon Mar 21, 2016 4:29 am

mc2486 wrote:Thinking about the teacher/student session also makes me want to cry. The idea of me coaching him through what I like is embarrassing and uncomfortable. It's embarrassing for me to think about talking during sex, and I cannot imagine myself ever saying the examples you gave.


I asked a whole bunch of questions not because I think everyone had a particular right or wrong answer. Instead, I did it because sometimes the answers to some of the questions open up more of our beliefs than we realize. As I was reading through this, I get the feeling that you have some potentially unhealthy beliefs that show up here. It is not important whether or not the "teacher" scenario works, but the response to it does seem important.

Here are the things I think the above implies. All of these may not be true, but I suggest you consider whether they might be:

* Taking action for your pleasure is embarrassing to you. This seems to say that you believe there is something wrong with you wanting pleasure and even more wrong with vocalizing that. This is a belief that often is tied to the unbiblical belief of fake unselfishness. It assumes that any thoughts or words about seeking something for me is wrong because we see that as selfishness. Selfishness is not seeking something for ones self. It is seeking something for oneself only with the disregard of others. It is not selfishness to ask one to mutually enjoy something with you.
* It is embarrassing to you to talk during sex. Why would that be embarrassing? What about sex makes talking embarrassing? What other acts (especially ones that are meant to be enjoyable) would you do together where talking is somehow inappropriate or embarrassing? Would you play a game in silence? Would you take a walk together and assume that it would be wrong to talk? What beliefs about sex do you have that make sex a place where talking about it is somehow embarrassing?

Most of us have been there in our past. We've bought the lie that talking about sex and what you want is somehow self-centered and wrong. We heard the message over the years as one pastor put it that "sex is dirty, vile, disgusting so save it for the one you love." So, we treated it that way, and we found that that treatment created problems.

Sex is something that is meant to unite a couple in ways that nothing else can. God created it that way. If it is done within His design it unites the two in all ways at once. If it is not, it destroys the wholeness of not just the couple but the individuals within it. You can't take a physical, spiritual, and emotional being and engage at one or two levels without the second or third without ripping one or both of the individuals apart (see the thread on puzzle pieces).

Perhaps the "teacher" scenario isn't for you, but the reaction to it may be somewhat diagnostic. Perhaps the "student" idea is very much something you DH would love though. Perhaps he is secretly trying to navigate this thing called sex in a way that blesses you and feeling like he is failing in every way. Perhaps his hope is to find a way to please you because that is what he longs for even more than his longing for his own pleasure, and without the information and feedback, he's just blindly doing things, guessing as to what did and didn't work, and unfortunately sometimes throwing out the good and keeping the bad for the next time. Perhaps, he feels like he's starting over every time with a challenge he believes he probably will lose. Perhaps the idea of you giving him some instruction is just what he hopes you will do. Perhaps teacher/student is the wrong one for you, but perhaps there is a role that works where you can give the directions and see how it goes? Trail guide? Doctor teaching anatomy lesson? Boss giving work instructions? Whatever.




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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Learning1 » Mon Mar 21, 2016 6:38 am

^^^
A lot of good advice in the above post.

One more question that I did not see asked... Are you taking any hormonal birth control?
Are you on any pharmacy products that may contain a side effect of reducing your libido or messing with your hormones?
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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby poetess » Mon Mar 21, 2016 8:53 am

Also, when you say that you dislike touch (except hugs)--I don't see anyone exploring this part, and to me it seems significant. Does it bother you if a friend touches you on the shoulder? How about if a friend rubs your back or otherwise shows affection that isn't a hug? Do you dislike the feel of clothing against your skin? Do you shrink back from the touch of a pet? Did you have problems with this when you were dating, or just after you married and sex became a permissible part of touch? In other words, is this touch aversion, or sex aversion that affects any touch?
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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Unfulfilled » Mon Mar 21, 2016 10:53 am

Vanna said:

"Great sex doesn't happen TO you, it happens WITH you- as you do things to each other and respond to each other. Just laying there will sincerely Not get you to an ecstatic sexual experience. It will be tepid and lackluster, and you'll be miserable, and so will he. That's not what God has planned for either of you."

Wow! That is a great statement! Especially the great sex doesn't happen TO you, it happens WITH you!

If only my DW would hear and understand that statement.

MC,

My wife too while she doesn't feel physical pain, she believes that sex is something that "takes" from her. Rather than a gift to be given and created by God to be shared.

I commend you for coming here early on your marriage. As my DW and I are nearly 26 years into this and still trying to overcome this issue. But my DW is still struggling with WANTING to solve the issue. So it has caused literally decades of hurt in the marriage. Your seemingly honest desire to solve this issue is HUGE.

I'm not saying the journey will be easy. I'm just telling you that it will be WORTH IT!

I would not wish on my worst enemy decades of sexual frustration. Where neither person is fulfilled or felt loved or able to show love to the other in the most intimate and sexual way. It is hell on earth for both spouses. It is the pure work of the devil as far as I can tell. God creates sex to be unifying. So anything that causes the opposite to occur MUST be the work of Satan.

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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby mamame » Mon Mar 21, 2016 2:34 pm

Imagining him touching me all over different parts of my body actually makes me squirm and feel like crying.


Can you identify what thoughts are running through your mind when you experience those feelings? It may take several times before you can find the actual thoughts and not just the feelings. Once you can isolate them, you gain power over them.

You aren't broken. You aren't doomed.

You are fixing to learn more about yourself and God than you can imagine. That's a good thing :)

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C_Brown
Fell out of ...
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Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1984
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Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby C_Brown » Mon Mar 21, 2016 7:23 pm

mc2486 wrote:I appreciate all of the responses, but I still feel discouraged. I feel like almost everyone I talk to says something to the effect of, "Keep trying! Sex is great and it will get better," or, "You HAVE to enjoy sex to have a healthy marriage, so you better devote everything you have toward that goal." It seems like all of you and everyone I have talked to outside of this message are so blinded by the fact you enjoy sex so much that you can't even imagine someone not wanting it.

I don't know if anyone has truly tried to empathize with the way I'm feeling. OF COURSE I want to enjoy sex and have a healthy marriage. But try to imagine where I'm coming from and what I'm going through. I HATE intimacy. This is not something I'm doing on purpose nor is it something I can control. "Keep trying" is not going to make me enjoy sex or change how I feel about intimacy. I don't like being naked and vulnerable and I don't enjoy any type of touch, kissing, or bodily fluid. There is nothing for me to keep trying because I can't stand to try any of it.

I guess I will just have to figure out a way to get professional help.


'Keep trying' doesn't mean just keep doing the same thing expecting something will magically change. It means keep looking for solutions. You need a solution on the physical side to resolve the pain issues, you need a solution on the mental/emotional side to change your negative feelings and reactions. You have more power over your feeling than you may think you do. The solution for one will likely help the other.

And we keep saying it is important for your marriage because it is. Don't find that out the hard way, accept the challenge to move from where you are now to where you enjoy regular sexual relations with your husband. Have faith that it can be done, there are several here who have done so, or who had a spouse do it. My wife would relate to a lot of what you are saying, she kept it all inside for years and after she finally stopped hiding it and let me know the problem it took a few years before she had learned to relax let herself enjoy sex. Now she loves it and our marriage is happier and more passionate at 27 years than it was as newlyweds.

You may need professional help to get there, or a there may be a helpful book out there for you, or somebody here might be able to help you, but please don't stop looking for solutions, and don't brush off help because you want somebody to make you feel comfortable staying where you are. Embrace the challenge, and meet it with courage and faith. God will help you too and there is nothing wrong with praying to God about your sexual relationship with your husband.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)


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