Sex Disgusts Me

Low or no sex drive?
mc2486
Newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2016 6:04 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 30th, 2015
Gender: Female

Sex Disgusts Me

Postby mc2486 » Sat Mar 19, 2016 6:21 pm

I am almost 21 years old, and my husband and I have been married for almost 1 year. We both waited to have sex until we were married, and I was extremely excited about it. We had a very difficult time waiting and I was so looking forward to a great sex life. However, we have been married about 9 months and I have yet to have an enjoyable sexual experience. It has always been very painful for me, but even the times that I am not in pain are not enjoyable and I basically just have to lay there until my husband is done. I have been to the gynecologist who basically told me it was all in my head and I need to get over it. She suggested vaginal dilators which I have ordered but have yet to try. At this point, since I'm not even interested in sex, the dilators would just be so that my husband can enjoy sex without worrying about hurting me.

I have orgasmed a handful of times, but never during penetration, and my orgasms last from 1-5 seconds when his seem to go on forever. I am extremely frustrated and it has gotten to the point that the thought of anything sexual repulses me, and I am so bitter that some people are able to enjoy this and some women actually have long orgasms. Practically nothing arouses me, I don't enjoy foreplay, no amount of lubrication helps, and we have basically given up. The thought of oral sex completely disgusts me, and sex in general just seems unnecessary, messy, and gross. I don't understand why I feel this way, when we could barely keep our clothes on before we got married. I don't know what to do anymore, please help me. I want to enjoy sex, but I practically have a panic attack even being touched.

User avatar
Vanna
King bed
Posts: 746
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 20th, 1994
Gender: Female
Location: Texas

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Vanna » Sat Mar 19, 2016 7:33 pm

Welcome and congratulations on your marriage. You aren't alone in this situation, a number of other ladies have found the early adjustments to penetrative sex can be an obstacle course. Sexuality doesn't seem to be straightforward or easy, and developing great marital intimacy can take years of refining. No one ever tells you it can be difficult. Many have found the dilators are a big help where tightness is painful. Do you use a good lube? I can't say enough good about the coconut oil that comes highly recommended by many on TMB.

Length of orgasm varies, but honestly it's only a few seconds long overall for me too. That's pretty normal, it seems longer for guys because of ejaculation, but really it's not that much different from what studies show. The intensity varies a lot, frankly it's most intense when I'm in the driving seat of the sex play, when I'm teasing and playing with hubby, making him nuts, and touching myself periodically too. Mutual oral in a 69 position is pretty hot, I have control of what I'm doing to him and just enough distraction that my mind stays in the moment. Outercourse is also fun, and while you rub him around on you, it keeps things hot for him too.

For the tightness, lots of foreplay with breast stimulation, oral, a vibe, and then after you are turned on, (this process causes the vaginal passage to expand and shift your uterus and cervix out of the way more), then try woman on top, squatting helps open things up more and gives you control over the rate/depth of penetration and thrusting. Use lots of coconut oil. Use the vibe, or manually stimulate the clitoris if rocking and grinding in WOT doesn't stimulate you enough to o.

Basically, it's much easier and more enjoyable when you take charge more and figure out what your body needs to get there. The journey is 80-90 percent of the fun, the orgasm is just the final "hoorah" that celebrates the overall intimacy.

Don't let the speed bumps ruin your hopes and overtake your marriage, the enemy would love that, but God has a better plan and He will help you both work through this rough patch.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

hifromme67
Queen bed
Posts: 205
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:32 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 22nd, 1986
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby hifromme67 » Sat Mar 19, 2016 10:23 pm

Have you seen a therapist as to why sex disgusts you?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

mc2486
Newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2016 6:04 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 30th, 2015
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby mc2486 » Sat Mar 19, 2016 10:28 pm

Thank you, Vanna, for the advice. I appreciate your detailed response. The problem is that none of the things you suggest are of interest to me, and make me feel uncomfortable just thinking about.

hifromme67, we are considering seeing a sex therapist but we cannot afford it right now.

hifromme67
Queen bed
Posts: 205
Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:32 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 22nd, 1986
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby hifromme67 » Sat Mar 19, 2016 11:35 pm

If you have access to his EAP benefits through work, that can help you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

User avatar
OldMarriedLady
Under the stars
Posts: 5387
Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:01 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 7th, 1983
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sat Mar 19, 2016 11:37 pm

mc2486, is there any history of sexual abuse in your past?
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

mc2486
Newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2016 6:04 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 30th, 2015
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby mc2486 » Sat Mar 19, 2016 11:44 pm

I will ask about his EAP benefits.

OldMarriedLady, there is no history of sexual abuse for either of us. That is part of the frustration; there should be no reason for this amount of difficulty.

suffolk sinner
King bed
Posts: 358
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 8:10 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 21st, 1990
Gender: Male

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby suffolk sinner » Sun Mar 20, 2016 4:58 am

mc2486 wrote:Thank you, Vanna, for the advice. I appreciate your detailed response. The problem is that none of the things you suggest are of interest to me, and make me feel uncomfortable just thinking about.


You say that you want to enjoy sex, but the things that are recommended to you don't "interest" you. Are you trying to define sex on your own terms?

I might say I like chess, but if all I ever play is checkers, do I really like chess? Especially if I say that chess ought to be more like checkers.

User avatar
Hiswifeagain
Under the stars
Posts: 3718
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:57 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 30th, 1984
Gender: Female
Location: The land of 10,000 lakes and road construction projects

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sun Mar 20, 2016 5:53 am

Welcome to TMB MC2486 :)

I'm sorry you're struggling. I used to have some similar negative feelings about sex. I understand how uncomfortable it is even thinking or reading about sex. When I decided I really needed to work through it and started reading about God's design for sex in marriage I would get kind so anxious that I would hyperventilate, cry and throw my book at the wall or slam the laptop shut. I really do understand, I think.

What I found is that I had to change my thinking to change my feeling. I had to take the negative thoughts captive and replace them with truth from God's Word and listen to wise counsel from the member here at TMB. I put up a bit of a fight at first in accepting that sex really is that important in marriage, but as I came and read and posted, the new thoughts eventually took hold.

It will require being uncomfortable with the thoughts for a while, but I know the effort is worth it. I don't think you'd even be here at TMB if you weren't desiring to have a God honoring marriage and to do right by your new husband. You have no idea how blessed you both are that you are going through this when you've only been married a year. Before the anger and resentment of years of hurt can turn to bitterness and poison your marriage. This is a huge, huge blessing.

Please feel free to private message me if I can be of any help. And check out the "Those Who Say (Said) No" section. Check out the blue banner at the top of the page for the "What Are You Not Seeing" link.

Blessings to you, dear Sister in Christ for being brave and posting here!
HWA
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

User avatar
Learning1
Hammock
Posts: 1060
Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:06 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 15th, 2014
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Learning1 » Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:01 am

mc2486 wrote: I don't understand why I feel this way, when we could barely keep our clothes on before we got married. I don't know what to do anymore, please help me. I want to enjoy sex, but I practically have a panic attack even being touched.


I know you talked about pain during PIV which would be a huge turn off. Do you think the fear of pain during PIV may be the reason for the panic attacks at even being touched ?

Does all touch give you a panic attack or just touching that may lead to PIV ?

Was the messiness of sex, the bodily fluids, the sweat, a gross out issue and unexpected issue for you ?

Trying to get to the root of the change that occurred from ... at one time your greatly looking forward to sex and barely keeping clothes on to where you are now.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

User avatar
padsnd
Under the stars
Posts: 4071
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2005 12:15 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 1st, 2004
Gender: Male
Location: USA

Sex Disgusts Me

Postby padsnd » Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:07 am

mc2486 wrote: there is no history of sexual abuse for either of us. That is part of the frustration; there should be no reason for this amount of difficulty.

What is your view of healthy sexuality? IOW, what did you learn about sex growing up and beyond? In your understanding:

Is sex serious?
Is it fun and playful?
Is it clumsy?
Is it dirty/messy?
Is it morally dirty?
Is a "virgin" "pure"? IOW, does a married person lose some purity when they have sex?
Does sex have to include PIV? Is that all it is? Is that the "ultimate" in sex?
If you or your DH simply explored essentially all part of each other's bodies would that be dirty or pleasurable? Does it become dirty if genitals touch or are touched by anything but genitals?
How long does sex take?
Why do spouses have sex?
What would make an act "dirty"?
Does "good" sex ever leave one spouse with any frustration or disappointment?
Who initiates?
What causes initiation?
What circumstances completely remove sex from the table? (Location, visits with family their place or yours, timing, etc.)
Does one initiate sex or initiate intimacy? IOW, do you believe that one must be desiring sex to start something physical, or do they desire something physical (hugging, touching, kissing) and arrive at/shift to desire to have sex "unexpectedly" along the way?
Did your FOO(Family of Origin) ever show public (even within the family) affection? Hugging? Kissing? Did they show it parent/child? Did they show it spouse to spouse (something appropriate for viewing, but not appropriate for non-spouses to do) IOW, did you ever see your parents embrace in a brief hug/kissing session in the kitchen?
What was the informal teaching of your FOO, childhood church, friends, etc. on sex? Was it dirty or something to be looked forward to? We're "unmentionables" truly unmentionable?
How did they talk about people who had sex? Inside marriage and outside? Examples: References to too much PDA. Comments about the young woman who was pregnant outside of marriage. Comments about people who had multiple kids quickly.
Were you ever taught unqualified comments when single like: If a guy wants sex from you, he doesn't love you?
How important is sex to a marriage?
How much lube is enough/too much?
How much foreplay is enough?
Have you ever held a teacher/student sex session with your spouse? (Today I am the teacher of how my body works. I give instructions and you learn. Class is in session now. Kiss me! Hold me here! Now, rub slowly here! Okay that was a B+. Go a little slower at first. ... Yes, that will get you extra credit.)
Do you believe your DH's desire is for him to please you, for him to feel good, or both?
Last edited by padsnd on Sun Mar 20, 2016 9:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
padsnd

DW of 2P
Queen bed
Posts: 108
Joined: Sat Feb 22, 2014 7:32 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 12th, 1998
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby DW of 2P » Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:52 am

Welcome. I was much like you. You just had two posts asking a lot of questions, so before I chime in I'm going to let you reply to them. It is good that you are here, and good that you are here so early on in your marriage as HWA stated. Take a deep breath, you guys are going to be fine!

mc2486
Newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2016 6:04 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 30th, 2015
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby mc2486 » Sun Mar 20, 2016 12:22 pm

Learning1 wrote:
mc2486 wrote: I don't understand why I feel this way, when we could barely keep our clothes on before we got married. I don't know what to do anymore, please help me. I want to enjoy sex, but I practically have a panic attack even being touched.


I know you talked about pain during PIV which would be a huge turn off. Do you think the fear of pain during PIV may be the reason for the panic attacks at even being touched ?

Does all touch give you a panic attack or just touching that may lead to PIV ?

Was the messiness of sex, the bodily fluids, the sweat, a gross out issue and unexpected issue for you ?

Trying to get to the root of the change that occurred from ... at one time your greatly looking forward to sex and barely keeping clothes on to where you are now.


I think the anticipation of pain does have something to do with my disinterest in PIV sex. But even the thought of just making out or fooling around without sex seems icky to me most of the time.

Not all touch gives me a panic attack but I rarely like it. Sometimes my husband and I will take showers together and he will just innocently lovingly caress me and I practically can't stand it. I just don't like being touched other than something like a hug.

The messiness of sex was definitely unexpected. It was and is so disappointing to me that even after a potentially enjoyable time I will immediately have to get up and clean myself up. There's no romantically lying next to each other or cuddling at all.

mc2486
Newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2016 6:04 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 30th, 2015
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby mc2486 » Sun Mar 20, 2016 12:50 pm

padsnd wrote:
mc2486 wrote: there is no history of sexual abuse for either of us. That is part of the frustration; there should be no reason for this amount of difficulty.

What is your view of healthy sexuality? IOW, what did you learn about sex growing up and beyond? In your understanding:

Is sex serious?
Is it fun and playful?
Is it clumsy?
Is it dirty/messy?
Is it morally dirty?
Is a "virgin" "pure"? IOW, does a married person lose some purity when they have sex?
Does sex have to include PIV? Is that all it is? Is that the "ultimate" in sex?
If you or your DH simply explored essentially all part of each other's bodies would that be dirty or pleasurable? Does it become dirty if genitals touch or are touched by anything but genitals?
How long does sex take?
Why do spouses have sex?
What would make an act "dirty"?
Does "good" sex ever leave one spouse with any frustration or disappointment?
Who initiates?
What causes initiation?
What circumstances completely remove sex from the table? (Location, visits with family their place or yours, timing, etc.)
Does one initiate sex or initiate intimacy? IOW, do you believe that one must be desiring sex to start something physical, or do they desire something physical (hugging, touching, kissing) and arrive at/shift to desire to have sex "unexpectedly" along the way?
Did your FOO(Family of Origin) ever show public (even within the family) affection? Hugging? Kissing? Did they show it parent/child? Did they show it spouse to spouse (something appropriate for viewing, but not appropriate for non-spouses to do) IOW, did you ever see your parents embrace in a brief hug/kissing session in the kitchen?
What was the informal teaching of your FOO, childhood church, friends, etc. on sex? Was it dirty or something to be looked forward to? We're "unmentionables" truly unmentionable?
How did they talk about people who had sex? Inside marriage and outside? Examples: References to too much PDA. Comments about the young woman who was pregnant outside of marriage. Comments about people who had multiple kids quickly.
Were you ever taught unqualified comments when single like: If a guy wants sex from you, he doesn't love you?
How important is sex to a marriage?
How much lube is enough/too much?
How much foreplay is enough?
Have you ever held a teacher/student sex session with your spouse? (Today I am the teacher of how my body works. I give instructions and you learn. Class is in session now. Kiss me! Hold me here! Now, rub slowly here! Okay that was a B+. Go a little slower at first. ... Yes, that will get you extra credit.)
Do you believe your DH's desire is for him to please you, for him to feel good, or both?


Thank you all for spending so much time trying to help me. I did not expect such an outpouring of support. I will try to answer your questions quickly to not create a novel for you to read.

When I was growing up, I of course thought sex was icky at first. My parents were pretty private about sex in general and rarely spoke about it, but they did try to explain to me that it as a way of showing love and it was a good thing. They never made it sound fun or playful, but I heard that from others. I never ever heard about how messy it would be or how much I would have to clean up my own body immediately after.

Sex was morally dirty for us when we were engaged, but we did not have trouble flipping the switch on our wedding night when I was still looking forward to it. I don't think we lost any purity by having sex.

I don't think sex has to include PIV, but that was mostly what was taught to me. I do not believe I will ever be ok with oral sex, however. I wish I could be as so many people really enjoy it and find nothing wrong with it but it just seems so wrong and gross to me (and always has, even when we were excited for sex I never wanted oral).

I wish I could say that I wanted my husband and I to explore each others bodies, but that just does not sound enjoyable or fun to me. It doesn't necessarily seem dirty, just uncomfortable I guess. Imagining him touching me all over different parts of my body actually makes me squirm and feel like crying.

I was never really told how long sex should take except from media, so I guess I always thought it would be 30-45 minutes. It doesn't matter who initiates, but in my opinion if one spouse is disappointed or frustrated then it was not good sex.

My family rarely shows affection. I saw my parents hug or kiss only a handful of times, and I am still not really into PDA. I am very private about that sort of thing.

I never heard anything about sex from my church or friends. I believe I mentioned above some things about my parents, but I was never comfortable enough to ask them questions or details. Most things I heard about sex being enjoyable came from media and from going to a public high school. I heard some of those comments, but I always knew that God had intended sex for married people and it was okay in that context so I should look forward to it. I think sex is very important to a marriage, but we seem to get along much better when we don't try to have sex. When we go through a few weeks of not even trying, we seem to have no marital struggles.

I'm not really sure about the lube question, since I am so grossed out by it that I wish it wasn't necessary. It's a pretty big turn off for me. I also don't enjoy foreplay so I am unsure about that as well. During foreplay, I just want to get to the PIV to see if maybe this time it will be enjoyable. And as I mentioned before, I don't enjoy being kissed, caressed, fondled, licked, etc.

Thinking about the teacher/student session also makes me want to cry. The idea of me coaching him through what I like is embarrassing and uncomfortable. It's embarrassing for me to think about talking during sex, and I cannot imagine myself ever saying the examples you gave.

I believe my husband wants both things. He definitely jumps at the chance to do anything sexual, but feels bad when I don't enjoy it. Usually, I will just deal with the pain and let him finish with PIV since I think he deserves to enjoy sex, but I usually end up crying in the bathroom right after while I attempt to clean gobs of lube out of myself. Though he enjoyed it in the moment, the aftermath of me being upset ruins it for him too.

ledgemoor
Under the stars
Posts: 3037
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:31 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 3rd, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Mar 20, 2016 1:28 pm

Congratulations on your marriage. Welcome to TMB forums.

Several things, but first of all, a technical detail that stood out to me in your original post. You said
I have orgasmed a handful of times, but never during penetration, ....
You may be aware of this, but many people are not, so I am mentioning it. Most women do not routinely orgasm from Penis-In-Vagina sex. In our 35 years of marriage, she has had her first orgasm during PIV only a handful of times. I say "first orgasm" because here lately she will have a second orgasm (or maybe a continuation of the first?) when I switch from manual stimulation and enter her. But that was a long time coming. Direct clitoral stimulation is the key to orgasm, and that is hard to achieve with a penis. So don't sweat that, OK? It is perfectly normal.

I hope you can find a way to get professional help with this. But even if you can't there is still a lot you can do on your own, and even with professional help, you will still have to do a lot of work on your own anyway. You can do a lot of hand-wringing over why you are this way, but even if you or a psychologist figured that out, it is unlikely that the problem will magically go away.

You will inevitably have to do things that will push you past your comfort level. Not just in bed, but with life in general. Marriage is the ultimate personal growth program, both in and out of bed, Here are some suggestions for the in-bed part:

Are you comfortable with your body? Do you like being naked with your husband? if so, great! Do more of that. Walk around the house naked, snuggle naked in bed even when not leading to sex. If not, it's a great place to start.

Are you comfortable with body fluids? Do you enjoy "French" kissing? Another area to grow if you're not comfortable with. If you are, great, do it more :-).

Regarding oral sex: We were married for YEARS before my wife would let me give it to her. She now enjoys it, and it is rare that we have sex without doing it. It is very emotionally rewarding to me, and I enjoy it immensely also. It is SO intimate. Not making an issue of it and introducing it into our marriage bed sooner is one of the big regrets in my life. So please don't deny your husband this pleasure. It's not gross at all. Messy, yes (if you do it right :lol:), but not gross. You taste and smell good. It's in the Bible. It is something God designed your body to enjoy. So please try to accept this gift from him.

You ARE having orgasms. That's great, you are ahead of many women at this stage. You two should have lovemaking sessions where PIV is not on the table -- just concentrate on you. You need some pleasure without pain from your marriage bed. As you learn how your body works and how wonderful it is,you will relax when you do try PIV and it will go easier. Don't worry about how long it works or how long it lasts. It will get easier with experience and age.

Yes, older women have a greater sexual capacity than younger ones. DW was 21 when we married, mid-50s now, and is more responsive sexually than she has ever been. Time is on your side!

I highly recommend you read some good sex-positive Christian books on sex. You have gotten some bad -- just plain wrong -- information from the media and your family etc. For starters I recommend Sheet Music by Kevin Leman. Not only will it give you technical info you are lacking, but will show you that yes, nice Christian couples are into sex! There are other books too -- I'm sure other posters will have recommendations as well.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

User avatar
2pack
King bed
Posts: 635
Joined: Thu Oct 24, 2013 10:46 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 9th, 1998
Gender: Male

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby 2pack » Sun Mar 20, 2016 1:56 pm

ledgemoor wrote:I hope you can find a way to get professional help with this

I'd be careful here. Professional help sounds scary and may not be necessary at all. When my wife first came here and saw lines like that she felt like a broken piece of equipment. It was very demotivating.
mc2486 wrote: For starters I recommend Sheet Music by Kevin Leman.

My wife really likes Kevin Lehman but hated this book. To her it was a male centered perspective of married sexuality.
I am not picking on you ledgemoor, I have just come to understand where my wife's mind was at that time. You are offering some good information but it is light years away from where she is right now.
mc2486,
I have seen people show up here and ask a question like this and then disappear for whatever reason. The weekends are usually a bit slower (although you have had some peeps come along side you today). You are most likely going to get some more feedback from some wise women here who can help you a lot in this area so I encourage you to check back on your thread over the next several days.
Welcome, you have found the right place.
I'm a moth flyin' into the light of it's doom - You wrap me up in your love cocoon...

User avatar
C_Brown
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1331
Joined: Fri Jun 07, 2013 6:08 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1984
Gender: Male

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby C_Brown » Sun Mar 20, 2016 2:20 pm

You are getting lots of good advice here. On top of that I would add that this is something you need to take seriously and devote yourself to doing what it takes to get to the point where you have a mutually fulfilling and joyful sexual relationship with your husband. Even if it involves changing how you think about some things and expanding your comfort zone.

You can get there, have faith and don't give in to discouragement. When things are not going so well as is the case now, if your husband can see you are trying to find a solution it will show him you care and give him hope. This isn't about you alone, this is about your marriage, both of your happiness.

The price that goes with giving up is damage to your relationship and a weakening of your marriage that could easily result in divorce down the road, or at least a lot of unhappiness for you both. It doesn't have to be like that. It may not happen on the timetable you want but if you don't give up looking for it, you can find your way together to where the sexual relationship is a source of great joy for you both.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

mc2486
Newbie
Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2016 6:04 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 30th, 2015
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby mc2486 » Sun Mar 20, 2016 2:40 pm

I appreciate all of the responses, but I still feel discouraged. I feel like almost everyone I talk to says something to the effect of, "Keep trying! Sex is great and it will get better," or, "You HAVE to enjoy sex to have a healthy marriage, so you better devote everything you have toward that goal." It seems like all of you and everyone I have talked to outside of this message are so blinded by the fact you enjoy sex so much that you can't even imagine someone not wanting it.

I don't know if anyone has truly tried to empathize with the way I'm feeling. OF COURSE I want to enjoy sex and have a healthy marriage. But try to imagine where I'm coming from and what I'm going through. I HATE intimacy. This is not something I'm doing on purpose nor is it something I can control. "Keep trying" is not going to make me enjoy sex or change how I feel about intimacy. I don't like being naked and vulnerable and I don't enjoy any type of touch, kissing, or bodily fluid. There is nothing for me to keep trying because I can't stand to try any of it.

I guess I will just have to figure out a way to get professional help.

suffolk sinner
King bed
Posts: 358
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 8:10 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 21st, 1990
Gender: Male

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby suffolk sinner » Sun Mar 20, 2016 3:17 pm

mc2486 wrote:I appreciate all of the responses, but I still feel discouraged. I feel like almost everyone I talk to says something to the effect of, "Keep trying! Sex is great and it will get better," or, "You HAVE to enjoy sex to have a healthy marriage, so you better devote everything you have toward that goal." It seems like all of you and everyone I have talked to outside of this message are so blinded by the fact you enjoy sex so much that you can't even imagine someone not wanting it.


I think that isn't so much that TMB is blinded by the "joy of sex" but that we are concerned that you are so close to your situation, that you cannot see the ramifications of NOT learning to enjoy sex with your husband. You aren't married a year yet, and you believe that you have come to the point that sex is unnecessary.

But you have a husband; do you think that he should feel the same way about sex? That he should willingly forego sex for the rest of his life because of his wife? Yes, TMBers do know the joy of marital sex. But too many of them know the heartache of sexless marriages, as well, and seeing a newlywed wife say, in her first post, that sex is gross and unnecessary gives them great concern. For both the wife and the husband.

User avatar
Learning1
Hammock
Posts: 1060
Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:06 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 15th, 2014
Gender: Female

Re: Sex Disgusts Me

Postby Learning1 » Sun Mar 20, 2016 3:49 pm

mc2486 wrote:I don't know if anyone has truly tried to empathize with the way I'm feeling. OF COURSE I want to enjoy sex and have a healthy marriage. But try to imagine where I'm coming from and what I'm going through. I HATE intimacy.

Like 2pack said, you may hear from woman latter in the week that can offer more empathy and better suggestions. Please keep coming back. You may want to ask the mods to move this whole thread to the "those who say no" section of TMB.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis


Return to “Lack of Desire”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users