I don't like sex

Low or no sex drive?
purple10
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I don't like sex

Postby purple10 » Sun Apr 10, 2016 11:55 am

It's hard to admit but I don't. I've been married for a year and sex is more like a chore. It's very frustrating for me. I thought it would get better but it's not. I think DH and I are still clueless. It's so hard. I think my sex drive is lower than his. He gets an erection and wants to have sex just by seeing me in the shower or in my nightgown. I don't get turned on just by looking at him. I feel guilty that I don't. I never turn him down, but I'm just not into it like he is. He's trying really hard to make me orgasm and to try different things. But I'm just over sex. I honestly hate it. I didn't realize how hard sex could be. I'm praying that God will help me. I often read my bible to deal with these feelings but I still have them.

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Re: I don't like sex

Postby Leah » Sun Apr 10, 2016 12:25 pm

Why do you think your experience is not meeting your expectations?
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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SLS
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Re: I don't like sex

Postby SLS » Sun Apr 10, 2016 3:59 pm

I am sorry that you are feeling so frustrated. Sex is not as easy as it seems on TV shows. It can take some work but it is more than worth it.

purple10 wrote: I think my sex drive is lower than his. He gets an erection and wants to have sex just by seeing me in the shower or in my nightgown. I don't get turned on just by looking at him. I feel guilty that I don't.


That is perfectly normal. Most wives have lower sex drives than their husbands and many woman don't get as aroused by sight as men do. Recognize that what arouses you is different than what arouses your husband and don't feel guilty about that.

I never turn him down


That is a very good principle. You are doing the right thing here.

He's trying really hard to make me orgasm and to try different things. But I'm just over sex. I honestly hate it.


Maybe one of the reasons you are "hating sex" right now is because you feel too much pressure to have an orgasm or have perfect sex. Sex is supposed to be a fun journey of discovery. You learn things as you go along. For some women it takes months or years to have an O. Maybe you and DH need to take a break from trying so hard to get you to O and just enjoy making love without any pressure.

I often read my bible to deal with these feelings but I still have them.


From your previous posts I know that you have struggled with bad feelings and false teachings about sex only being for the man. Are these feelings still affecting your MB?

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Re: I don't like sex

Postby Alistair » Mon Apr 11, 2016 12:27 am

Hi Purple 10. My wife did not have an O for several years so don't worry too much! Well done for not turning your DH down. Sex has many benefits that while you might not feel it will still help your marriage; one of them is a happier husband!

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Re: I don't like sex

Postby purple10 » Mon Apr 11, 2016 11:25 pm

Leah wrote:Why do you think your experience is not meeting your expectations?


I really dont know. I thought by now we would know what we're doing. Especially me but we don't. I hate trying different positions. Especially with me on top. His penis falls out and I don't know what to do. Usually we try a few positions but DH is in control. He starts sex. I still don't know how or if I should start first.

He wants me to have an O. But it didn't happen. Even when he does oral sex. He thought after a year I would have one but I don't. We talked about trying new things. Even toys but I'm not open to doing that.

SLS, I really dont know what arouses me. I know it's not by just looking at DH. Sometimes when he kisses me or does certain things I might get aroused.

It's hard not thinking about O. I'm curious what it feels like since it's seems very important to DH and others. I'm not overly focused on it. If God wants to bless me with one he will. Maybe when the time is right. DH really wants me to have one. He said we've been married for a year and it sucks I didn't have one yet.

Those negative feelings do still impact me. But they've gotten better. I still want to please DH and make him happy. But we wants me happy too.

Alistair wrote:Hi Purple 10. My wife did not have an O for several years so don't worry too much!

Glad that one year is considered a short amount of time. DH thinks one year is enough to make me O. I never turn DH down because my body is his. His is mine( 1Corinthians 7:1-5) it's important for us to have a happy marriage. It's healthy for husband and wife to have sex. The bible tells us it's right. Part of being married is bonding together as one. Even though I really dont like sex, sex provides my DH and I with a deep bond. It helps connects us.

Curious to what helped your DW O? If you don't mind sharing.

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Re: I don't like sex

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Apr 12, 2016 10:47 am

As long as you continue to tell and talk to yourself that you "hate" and "don't like sex". Then you may not ever change.

The most important sexual organ is your brain. And your brain will allow whatever you have trained it to believe.

And it appears you have been repeatedly "training" your brain to dislike and hat sex. And it has achieved that result.

You need to change the self talk and the training that you are giving your brain.

Logically you see and understand the Binlical value of sex. And it appears clear that you have decided to not deny your DH. All of those things are good.

Also you should be able to see that your DH is genuinely loving and caring for you as he seems to have true desire to pleasure you. So that you can be sure that sex to him is MORE than just "for him". Yet you seem to by your words here not really believe that.

So working on self talk is one of the hardest things there is. None negative voice screams from the rooftops with a loudspeaker. While the positive voice only speaks I hushed whispers. So it takes tremendous effort to work on positive self talk. At least that is the case for me.

You are here seeking answers. Which is also a positive thing. So you have a lot of good things. It just seems that you need to work to change the self talk to re-train your brain to help make sex be something optimistic rather than something to be dread or endured.

A person who expects to have an "O" is more likely to have one. A person who totally believes it will not happen will almost assuredly be correct.

While there is no guarantee that expecting it that it will happen. But it is almost 100% guaranteed it won't happen if you believe it won't.

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Re: I don't like sex

Postby SLS » Tue Apr 12, 2016 12:30 pm

purple10 wrote:I really dont know. I thought by now we would know what we're doing. Especially me but we don't. I hate trying different positions. Especially with me on top. His penis falls out and I don't know what to do. Usually we try a few positions but DH is in control. He starts sex. I still don't know how or if I should start first.


Purple, DW and I have been married over 6 months longer than you and trust me, we haven't figured everything out either. It takes time and practice to make things work. You may have to try some positions several times to get it right and some others might not work at all due to y'all's unique anatomy.

In terms of having problems with your DH's penis falling out when you are on top maybe your DH is like many men and has trouble maintaining his erection in certain positions. What positions are most pleasurable differ from man to man.

purple10 wrote:I really dont know what arouses me. I know it's not by just looking at DH. Sometimes when he kisses me or does certain things I might get aroused

It's hard not thinking about O. I'm curious what it feels like since it's seems very important to DH and others. I'm not overly focused on it. If God wants to bless me with one he will. Maybe when the time is right. DH really wants me to have one. He said we've been married for a year and it sucks I didn't have one yet.


I think that your husband may be putting too much emphasis on you O'ing and that might make you feel pressured when you make love. Maybe something that could help you is writing down every action you find arousing and discussing it with your husband. If you and your husband know and do what arouses you it will increase your sexual satisfaction. I would also tell your husband that the goal of this exercise is not to give you an O (although that might be an outcome). It is discovering what you enjoy and what you like. There should be no pressure.

purple10 wrote:It's healthy for husband and wife to have sex. The bible tells us it's right. Part of being married is bonding together as one. Even though I really dont like sex, sex provides my DH and I with a deep bond. It helps connects us.


You have made excellent progress by embracing the truth that sex is for both husbands and wives. Good job. :D

You have also been brave to come on here and seek help for your marriage bed. Maybe it is time for your DH to do so as well. It seems that he is upset with himself and his performance since you haven't had an O yet. I can understand how he feels. After we got married it took four months before my wife had an O. There were times that I thought there was something wrong with me and I felt less of a husband because I "couldn't please my wife." I realized though that I shouldn't get upset about it and I should focus on giving DW as much delight as possible regardless of whether she O'ed or not.

If your husband needs help to deal with these feelings of inadequacy or needs advice on technique this website is an excellent resource. If he would like to talk to other guys about this I and others would be happy to help him.


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