Very Different sex drives

Low or no sex drive?
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happilymarriedkate
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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby happilymarriedkate » Wed May 11, 2016 5:04 am

Wow. You described, in detail, what my husband used to be like. The running the hand up the leg in the morning aversion, the grocery store, very restrained while dating, no porn issues, etc. Just. Wow.

Well, about 3 years ago, after 21 years of marriage and a decrease in erection quality he decided to have his testosterone checked. He found out that, at the age of 42, he had a T level of 209. Getting him to go to a Dr and go on the T therapy was a, nearly, 2 year gauntlet throwing fit of the century. However, it resulted in my 45 year old husband looking at me for the first time in my marriage and saying "I want your vagina." While that does not sound sexy to some...it was a HUGE breakthrough for him because what we had both always perceived as his restraint was, I believe, his low T. He loves his morning erections now, he loves having as much sex as he can. Now don't get me wrong...there is a roller coaster in t therapy- levels and symptoms are all over the place for a while- which I am learning. But I will take it over how it used to be. We even have the couples app now! He talks dirty to me now. His sexuality has been awakened and it has been marriage changing.

I do not know if this could be the cause of your husband's issues. But, it was the cause of my husband's very similar issues.
~HM Kate

gracekissed
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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby gracekissed » Tue May 17, 2016 12:31 pm

Kate, thanks for replying, it's been a really busy week, and I haven't gotten a chance to respond.

It's funny that you said your DH's verbal invitation might not sound exciting- I sure think it would be!! :P

I just made him his yearly physical for early next month, and we've already discussed having his hormone levels checked as well as asking for a sleep study (he snores) to rule out underlying pathology. I think I'll be relieved if there's a treatable hormonal issue, but I also know everything may come back normal and he's still not too interested.

I guess there's not much to do but wait and see? :| I almost hate to complain, because he's so willing to work on it, but I can't help feeling discouraged too since I feel like he's just putting in the effort for me, not because he sees any real excitement in the idea of our MB.

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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby happilymarriedkate » Tue May 17, 2016 4:49 pm

gracekissed wrote:I almost hate to complain, because he's so willing to work on it, but I can't help feeling discouraged too since I feel like he's just putting in the effort for me, not because he sees any real excitement in the idea of our MB.


I felt similarly. He really did try- our average frequency was 2-3 times weekly even though he preferred one. And to be honest, if the erection quality had not become an issue, we probably would have just kept doing what we were doing.

I learned to accept my DH's efforts as his contribution to our mb. There were times when I would think about him doing it just for me- but isn't that what the marrige bed is all about? And there were things I had to let go of...it's a give and take.

Now- if by chance your DH's T is low...well that is a completely different trip to take. Finding the right Doctor,finding the right dose, etc... But you can cross that bridge if you get to it. There is a lot of help and insight here for low T issues.
~HM Kate

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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby bigloop » Thu May 19, 2016 8:33 am

gracekissed wrote:I almost hate to complain,
- then DON'T!

because he's so willing to work on it, but I can't help feeling discouraged too since I feel like he's just putting in the effort for me, not because he sees any real excitement in the idea of our MB.

I just wanted to step in quickly and say - act yourself into the right thinking/feeling, do not expect the opposite to ever occur. With that in mind, it would sound like your husband is doing his best to do just that - act himself into the right feeling - by putting in the effort FOR YOU! Embrace that! It will have as much effect on you as it will him.

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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby gracekissed » Thu May 19, 2016 9:37 am

bigloop wrote:
gracekissed wrote:I almost hate to complain,
- then DON'T!


I don't understand this. I've spent the last 9 years trying to suppress my sex drive so that I don't have to tell him that I want it more than he does. Are you saying I should just give up and go back to ignoring my desires that aren't going away no matter how much they're neglected? I went into this thinking it was better to be open about the dissatisfaction, hoping that growing in this area would make sex a desirable activity for both of us instead of just for me (usually).

bigloop wrote:
because he's so willing to work on it, but I can't help feeling discouraged too since I feel like he's just putting in the effort for me, not because he sees any real excitement in the idea of our MB.

I just wanted to step in quickly and say - act yourself into the right thinking/feeling, do not expect the opposite to ever occur. With that in mind, it would sound like your husband is doing his best to do just that - act himself into the right feeling - by putting in the effort FOR YOU! Embrace that! It will have as much effect on you as it will him.


I do understand this on some level, it's just that now I am experiencing most sexual encounters as him "doing something nice for me" rather than a shared event, and it's difficult emotionally processing this. When I was willing to wait for the 2-3 times a month he *might* be distraction free enough to truly want it, I at least felt wanted sometimes. These last few weeks we've had more sex, but now I'm just being placated instead of wanted. I'm not sure which is better, to be honest. I kind of... just want to tell him not to worry about it any more because this way is painful too.

And to respectfully disagree, I have experienced both actions leading to internal realizations AND internal realizations leading to actions in my lifetime. It's not always possible to tell which is necessary in a given situation.

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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby Unfulfilled » Thu May 19, 2016 10:31 am

Grace,

I know EXACTLY how you feel.

My DW is clearly making efforts. And I have made the decision to not look a gift horse in the mouth.

In both yours and my situation. It is about the same few short months that this concerted effort on the spouses part. Which honestly is not much time compared to the previous married history.

So in my opinion for whatever that is worth, is to give it a chance. Decide to honor your DH commitment to you and respect the effort he is dedicating to you and the marriage.

Again I understand your position exactly and what you are thinking and feeling as I have had and continue to struggle with the same things.

One of the hardest things I have found in life is putting into practice, the belief I know to be true that happiness is a decision. So you can decide to make the circumstances to be a good thing and decide to be happy.

Like I said I honestly intellectually believe that what you decide to be is what it is. But I struggle immensely with actually putting that belief into practice. It sounds so easy but is at least for me incredibly difficult to apply.

THIS is one of those times where you have to put emotion aside and DECIDE to honor it.

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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby southerngent » Thu May 19, 2016 10:46 am

gracekissed,

Have you considered a formal schedule. Like 30 or 45 minutes every other day. You both set aside your other activities and concerns.

I hope and pray that your DH gets the first part of this quote. Most men have a harder time with the second part.

From the Talmud: A man should come unto his wife for her pleasure.

Meaning, he needs to step up and affirmatively "come unto you." More typically with us men it is remembering the "for her pleasure" part.

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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby bigloop » Thu May 19, 2016 11:36 am

When someone says "I HATE to complain, but here, listen to me while I complain...", I wonder if they are listening to themselves. If you hate it, then don't do it. This is not uncommon and we are all guilty of similar at one time or another. Bottom line is complaining does little to nothing positive. Don't complain, rather take positive actions. Yes, communication is, or can be, an extremely positive action - as long as it is communication and not just moaning and complaining.

Internal realizations and "feelings" are not the same thing in my mind. A realization of fact can lead to positive actions, but the actions are what solidifies change. I've known many who realized they needed to quit smoking for example.....for years. Repentance of sin is not just deciding to think differently about it, it is also choosing to do differently.

If your husband is choosing to do differently, even if he isn't "feeling" it to your satisfaction, perhaps a little grace is called for and allow his actions time to change his feelings. 9 years is a long time. There are many here, myself included, who have that beat by more than double. Doesn't diminish your struggle, but in fact puts you in a better place to change things earlier than many of us.

IF there is a hormone issue at the root, that could help the change and if he is willing, as it seems he is, to follow that- then more grace and more time may be needed to see the positive end. Can you forgive him until that time?

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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby gracekissed » Thu May 19, 2016 7:25 pm

southerngent wrote:gracekissed,
Have you considered a formal schedule. Like 30 or 45 minutes every other day. You both set aside your other activities and concerns.


Scheduling is a thought, I don't think it would work well though, if past experiences are any indication. He'll agree (not to that often- I wish), but it's obvious that the more he's trying *not* to think about other concerns, the less he's actually able to do so. If I ask him to put aside time for me on a night that he has work in the morning, for example, if he says yes it's often like I've fed him castor oil at first, and then I just end up feeling like I've done him a disservice. Right now we're working on twice a week, but I can tell that's really pushing it for him on a regular basis. He can't happily enter his "sex box" I guess, unless all the other "boxes" in his brain are actually empty.

The thing is, he has a very perfectionist personality, so simple tasks take him 2-4 times as long as they would a normal person. So there's always something for him to think about, and he's not just able to put it aside mentally. We've worked on this in other areas, and I do all I can to help him, but it's never enough on a regular basis. I do the budget and pay the bills, I grade all of the homework he brings home and half of the tests, I schedule the appointments for our family, I do all the grocery shopping during the school year, things like that (we both work, but my job doesn't require as much prep as teaching). I've done my best to strike a balance between freeing him up and doing his job for him, in case anyone thinks I'm not willing to pitch in so as to have him less stressed. He is, in fact, less stressed, as last year he almost quit teaching and now he's going to continue, so that's a positive thing for us as last year I wouldn't have been able to approach him about our sex life with a 10 foot pole.

Unfulfilled wrote:So in my opinion for whatever that is worth, is to give it a chance. Decide to honor your DH commitment to you and respect the effort he is dedicating to you and the marriage.


You're right, of course. It wouldn't be fair to him to switch gears after just a couple of weeks. What I'm unsure about is whether or not I did the right thing to begin with. I thought I presented it as "I'd like to find out what really turns you on so we can come together regularly," and I never considered he'd take it as he just needs to give me some more often so I'll be satisfied. I really, really, hope that the effort on his part becomes a source of enjoyment instead, because right now asking for more seems really selfish on my part since it's obviously so hard for him, and the idea of a life full of mostly pity sex is really starting to turn me off, as much as I'm trying to fight that.

bigloop wrote:When someone says "I HATE to complain, but here, listen to me while I complain...", I wonder if they are listening to themselves. If you hate it, then don't do it. This is not uncommon and we are all guilty of similar at one time or another. Bottom line is complaining does little to nothing positive. Don't complain, rather take positive actions. Yes, communication is, or can be, an extremely positive action - as long as it is communication and not just moaning and complaining.


I've obviously used the wrong word for you. When I say "complain," what I mean is "bring the issue to the forefront rather than ignoring it any longer." I'm not whining at him, and our conversations have all been constructive in their own way (although not conclusive or fundamentally paradigm changing). I'm here because taking positive actions is exactly what I want to do, but I don't really know what those positive actions are, or how to navigate the bumps in the road that I'm finding along the way. So far what I've heard most is "Hormone levels" and "Wait and see if he comes around." OK, I'll wait and see on both those things then. I thought there might be someone with experience on the mental block he's given himself- but maybe that will go away on its own, who knows.

bigloop wrote:IF there is a hormone issue at the root, that could help the change and if he is willing, as it seems he is, to follow that- then more grace and more time may be needed to see the positive end. Can you forgive him until that time?


I really don't think he's wronged me. Just because I'd like things to change doesn't mean he's sinned against me and needs forgiving, does it? Maybe I need to ask his forgiveness for asking more than he can give right now. I do, of course, want to walk with him through this however long it takes and whatever the issues are. Maybe if everything comes back normal after his physical we might be more in need of professional guidance than I thought.

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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby southerngent » Fri May 20, 2016 4:45 am

gracekissed,

A shot at a "what is going on in his head" observation.

You DH sounds a lot like an enneagram type 9 with a "wing" to 1. The enneagram theory holds that ALL people suffer from one primary "root sin." So, initially, it comes across as a "slam" to use this with another person. Only when they understand that you are searching for your faults and seeking God's help in eliminating them can the other person stand that. So, watch how you use this, carefully.

Type 9 has issues with initiating action (sloth or laziness). They believe "vanity of vanities, all is vanity." That is, why try because it takes so much effort and accomplishes so little. Inertia is their universe. Some type 9's can be extremely hard workers, but it is like a rock rolling downhill. That is, they work hard because it is harder to stop working than just to trudge on.

His less strong characteristics suggest type 1 which has a problem with perfectionism. If you want a tutorial by PM, just send me a message.

HOWEVER, the most you can do is understand better (both "know" and "empathize") and get some hints on how to get him to address this.

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Re: DH keeps sex in a box

Postby Unfulfilled » Fri May 20, 2016 10:24 am

Grace,

Could it be possible that since your DH is a perfectionist, that sex is in general about the furthest thing you can get from being performed "perfectly" part of his hesitance?

That is: does he think that since he can never perform sex perfectly, either to meet his expectations or to meet his wife's expectation that he would rather avoid it?

It seems like it is possible DH needs to consider that this perfectionist trait is debilitating him in more ways in his life that he recognizes. And sex is just one important area of his life that it is affecting!

Just a thought to consider.

BTW my DW and I are not up to twice a week either and I understand perfectly your struggle with the weight of the thought of "pity sex" for the rest of your life. In fact that is the constant battle I fight. I can't seem to rid myself of the thought/question: "If this is as good as it gets, can I live with that for the rest of my life!"

Despite my best efforts that question continues to haunt me. Especially since I cannot seem to honestly answer that question.

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Update on DH's attitude

Postby gracekissed » Sun Aug 21, 2016 7:54 pm

I wanted to come back and update on our investigation of DH's relative LD. His testosterone level was excellent (almost 700), and he passed his sleep study with flying colors. We did get the "Igniting Intimacy" book and got through the first 4 or 5 chapters over the summer, and I think that helped the most. We're planning to continue that study at the rate of a chapter/ study questions section per month. It's become very apparent that he needs more renewing of the mind than anything else, and since he's taken a few of the perspectives in the study to heart, I can tell he's been more comfortable starting to embrace his own sexuality and applying it to our relationship. I don't even remember who suggested that book to me to begin with, but Thank You!! The other time I noticed an increased interest was when our pastor was doing a series about sex, but of course that was only a drop in the bucket.

I've identified a few things myself that I need to work on, namely, how quick I am to assume things are getting back to the way they were and starting to shut down my hopes. He started back teaching last week and I got very discouraged waaay too quickly, essentially shutting him out because I assumed he was not interested. This is a deeper issue for me, and I'm glad it's been brought to light in a way I can deal with it productively. BUT, he even told me that he MB'd once when he thought I was mad at him, which is great news for me, because I thought he was never sexually frustrated (He went 6 weeks without after my last delivery, "no problem"). Funny thing to be encouraged about maybe, but I am!

Overall, the last several weeks especially have been really, really positive, and we've reached a place where we're both happy with the things are going. I don't think he feels pressured, and I can tell he's much more into me sexually. We've done and both enjoyed things I couldn't have suggested to him before and we have plans for things to do after I deliver next month that are difficult now. I even installed the Couple app on his phone and we've explored communication that way a little bit! He's been more responsive to the way I express myself in the bedroom (and out of it), and I feel like we're connecting a lot more when we make love. It's really nice.

I'm so glad I came here to look for ways to get us out of our rut. While we've not had any "extra" time to ourselves with 2 littles and one on the way, it almost feels like we've had a private marriage retreat this summer. Very renewing and encouraging now that we're going back to the "real life" of the school year. ::tnx for the suggestions and the commiseration. I know it will take extra work as his work responsibilities increase and we add to our family, but I think we have a good idea of what kind of work needs to be done now, where I felt very lost 3 months ago.

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Re: Very Different sex drives

Postby Elevation » Mon Aug 22, 2016 5:51 am

Praise the Lord for opening up a great sexual awakening!

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Re: Very Different sex drives

Postby Vanna » Mon Aug 22, 2016 4:37 pm

How wonderful! Praying it continues to draw you both closer than you dreamed possible and that each day is better than the last. ::pray
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed


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