Wife "0" sex drive! Help!

Low or no sex drive?
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Date of your marriage (past or future): April 4th, 2012
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Wife "0" sex drive! Help!

Postby Monster+1234 » Tue Jun 14, 2016 1:48 pm

I'll try to make this short as possible. Yes I have read all those tips and nothing. My wife and I have been married for four years now. Ever since we got engaged her sex drive went to [edit]. We are both 30 years old. She works a normal 40hr week and I am a firefighter that works 24 hr every third day. Ever since she got pregnant 2 years ago her sex drive is zero. When I mean zero, she doesn't do any touching, oral (maybe once since in 4 years when she use to like it). We have had sex 4 times this year so far ( it's June). Every time we do she says she gets there and enjoys it but then we go weeks if not months with nothing.

It almost like we have a business relationship. We are both type a personalities and very much homebodies. We do a great job raising our son he is the light of our lives. She has gained weight and says she doesn't feel as attractive. She is very beautiful and I tell her all the time. I'm in good shape because it's required for my job.

I read all the top 10 reasons for sexless marriage and have applied them. A night alone, regular date night, do stuff around the house, I clean a lot!, flowers, no groping...ect

The hardest part is I do love her so much!!! I feel I have tried soo much with no luck. When we talk about it she gets defensive and doesn't want to talk. I suggested seeing a doctor about it but she doesn't want to take medication. We both want another kid but when you don't have sex you can't have babies (it [ticks] me off when she tells people we are trying). And no, I am 99.9% sure she is not cheating on me.

Yes I just got shot down while on vacation and I'm getting very frustrated ( hopefully everything makes sense)!!! Is there anything I am missing or out of the ordinary I can try? I am desperate!!


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Re: Wife "0" sex drive! Help!

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jun 14, 2016 2:01 pm

Does she have any desire to improve your marriage?
Does she have any desire to improve your sex life, particularly her own sexuality?
Would she be willing to get her hormones checked? It could be as simple as her hormones are out of balance.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Wife "0" sex drive! Help!

Postby Vanna » Tue Jun 14, 2016 2:41 pm


What I see from what you've shared, as a woman... I see a lady who works a full time job, has a toddler, and her self esteem and confidence physically has taken a hit too.

Having been there myself, it's likely she feels worn out by the end of the day and can't shift gears into intimacy mode because it means more energy and exhaustion and she really wants to unwind and sleep.

If she is remotely unhappy or put upon at her her job, that will make the situation worse physically and emotionally.

How does she feel about being a working mom? I know I was surprised at how difficult it was for me to miss so many of my son's first milestones, and devastated that he wouldn't come to me for his ouchies and special shares.

It was a hard season in my life. I felt like a failure at work and as a mom, disconnected from hubby, and depressed and exhausted all the time. Not a recipe for feeling sexy when hubby would begin hoping for intimacy. I grew to dread his touch, he always seemed to want to have sex after I'd been crying or pouring my heart out or we'd been fighting.

Not all of that bad time was hubby's fault. He just had the misfortune of being there while I went through that difficult season.

Probably your wife isn't in as difficult a situation, but clearly she has a lot on her plate and is pretty new to the demands of being a "mom-wife".

How is communication in general? Do you both practice active listening and effective problem resolution? Do you both know each other's love languages? Has she shared her daily concerns and struggles with you? Do you touch or kiss her regularly non-sexually, just to give her comfort or affection with no strings attached so she doesn't feel like every physical connection with you is a silent petition for sex?

Maybe this is a good time to consider reading a marriage book together- like the five love languages book- something that is geared toward both non-sexual and sexual affection. There are a lot of suggestions in the resources forum on TMB.

Tracking down the sources of the disconnect for her will probably take time, soul searching, and discussion. There are often many little things physically and emotionally that hamper desire for women- stress is a biggie.

Maybe help her figure out where she feels the most drained or worn out and start looking for ways to help her decompress.

It helped for hubby to let me get away from things when I felt maxed out. I'd take ten bucks madmoney to the dollar store and just wander the aisles "window shopping". Or I'd spend an hour at Subway, eating in peace and reading a book or writing. Sometimes I'd go for a walk around the neighborhood, or take a magazine in the tub and soak. Visit with a friend. That sort of stuff, where I could recharge mentally and emotionally and come back with a fresh perspective.

Find out what would be a blessing to her, help her remember that you are on her side in life's battles so she can refocus on building new levels of connection emotionally and physically.

Hope that helps.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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