Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Low or no sex drive?
Shepherdsflock
Twin size
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:20 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 1st, 2008
Gender: Male

Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Shepherdsflock » Mon Jun 27, 2016 8:37 pm

My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years. We both "saved ourselves" for marriage. No previous sex partners or experiences.

Our wedding night was very frustrating for both of us. She was nervous and it mostly just hurt. I was nervous, and was trying my hardest not to hurt her. It was awkward and not very fun, but I figured that was probably pretty normal for our first time.

As it turned out, my wife got pregnant that very first time. I mention this because maybe it has something to do with her absolute deadness to anything sexual now. She was experiencing so much so quickly that I sometimes wonder if it screwed her up emotionally.

As the weeks and months went on, she never had any interest in anything sexual. Not just intercourse, but she didn't want to touch, kiss, cuddle, etc. And that's the way it has been for almost 8 years.

If I ask her to have sex, she will do it out of a sense of obligation, but honestly sometimes I feel like I'm having sex with a piece of furniture or some kind of inanimate object. She does not get aroused, she has zero passion, does not enjoy it.

I have asked her why she doesn't ever get aroused. She said she can, but just doesn't want to. I took this very personally and am admittedly still very hurt by her admission. I asked her if it was because I am unattractive, or she doesn't feel loved, etc. No, she said. She just doesn't feel like being aroused ever, and when the opportunity presents itself, she just would rather not be aroused.

I told her that after 8 years of sex with somebody who has zero interest in me sexually, I am struggling to maintain a positive attitude toward her. Especially now that I know she can be aroused and just doesn't want to!

She got upset with me and asked why I couldn't just be happy that she has sex with me. From her perspective, that's all she's obligated to do. She sees no need for there to be any mutual pleasure or satisfaction between us. Sex, in her mind, is just something a woman does to keep her husband maintained. It has no emotional or relational purpose.

After nearly eight years of this, and countless conversations with my wife about it over the years, I am heartbroken to a point where I don't know what to do. I love her deeply, she's a good wife in every other respect and a good mother. I find her very sexually attractive, and it hurts to be attracted to somebody who feels nothing at all sexually for you. I don't want to leave her, I am terrified at the idea of having an affair and pray earnestly that I never succumb to that temptation.

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5251
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Jun 27, 2016 9:52 pm

Glad you are here, sorry for the circumstances you are here under. Is there a chance your wife has had abuse in her past?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

Shepherdsflock
Twin size
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:20 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 1st, 2008
Gender: Male

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Shepherdsflock » Mon Jun 27, 2016 10:03 pm

None that she will tell me about. I have asked her and her family, and they all say no. If anything ever did happen, she is hiding it. But I really don't think she would hide anything from me.

User avatar
Drob
King bed
Posts: 258
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2015 4:49 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): March 30th, 1991
Gender: Male
Location: Florida

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Drob » Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:10 am

I understand your pain, I've been dealing with this same issue for the past , 20 years. I'm guessing she doesn't want to talk about it either and she's satisfied with how things are.

Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk

User avatar
MayDayGirl
Hammock
Posts: 1195
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:54 pm
Location: The Burbs

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby MayDayGirl » Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:15 am

In your thread from last year, you said that she has pain from IC for days afterwards. If that's true, it's understandable that she has no desire to be aroused because she associates it with pain.

Do you believe she has pain or do you think she's making that up? I think that's key.

Shepherdsflock
Twin size
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:20 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 1st, 2008
Gender: Male

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Shepherdsflock » Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:43 am

MayDayGirl wrote:In your thread from last year, you said that she has pain from IC for days afterwards. If that's true, it's understandable that she has no desire to be aroused because she associates it with pain.

Do you believe she has pain or do you think she's making that up? I think that's key.


Hard to tell. Her family has told me repeatedly that she has always been a hypochondriac. And I tend to agree with them. However, I don't know why somebody would make up imaginary pain in that area. And given some of the bizarre things she has done during sex, I guess it really is possible that she is either making it up or is convinced of something that is not real

Up until last November, she would stop right in the middle of sex and start crying and say stuff like "I feel so far from God". You can imagine how hearing that from your wife's mouth during sex made me feel. There were a few times I seriously thought about trying to castrate myself so I could have relief from the emotional torture of having sex with somebody who made me feel like I was doing something horrible. I thought maybe if I could eliminate my sex drive, we could have a more satisfying marriage.

Fortunately, I never followed through with those desperate thoughts. Back in November she pulled that "I feel far from God" stunt during sex and I told her very straightforward that I couldn't guarantee we would have an eighth anniversary if she kept doing stuff like that. The emotional strain of being treated like I was doing something very wrong while doing something that God created to be good and pleasant had driven to the edge and I told her she was being abusive whether she knew it or not.

That problem stopped that night. Whether she still feels the same way and just stays quiet, I don't know. She claims to be okay now.

It is so hard for me to know exactly what the problem really is. I have made her have gynecological examinations, and she is medically perfect. And although she seems to genuinely have frequent UTIs, about 2/3 of the time she comes home from the doctor complaining that the urine test came back negative and their lab equipment must be faulty.

There was an incident last year that got me very upset. She had been telling me for years that she had persistent yeast infections. She would show me the discharge and tell me how badly sex was hurting her because she kept having this discharge. And, again, nearly every time she went to the doctor about it, they said she was fine. So, I finally took a picture of the discharge and started searching the internet for images of vaginal discharges to try to figure what type of infection she kept having. It turned out that it was no infection at all, it is a type of mucus-like discharge that most ladies have just before and during ovulation.

User avatar
Learning1
Hammock
Posts: 1060
Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:06 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 15th, 2014
Gender: Female

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Learning1 » Tue Jun 28, 2016 5:06 am

Her sex life got off to a horrible start. Currently she either has actual pain or she perceives she has pain. Either way the pain issue needs to be addressed.

Shepherdsflock wrote:Up until last November, she would stop right in the middle of sex and start crying and say stuff like "I feel so far from God".


Was she involved in the "purity culture" ? Does she think that sex is dirty or somehow separates her from God ?

Does she have problems reconciling being a Christian woman and being a sexual being with her own needs wants and desires ?

How much does she know about how her own sexual body functions, if she thought normal discharge was a yeast infection that speaks to a complete lack of knowledge of how a sexual woman's body functions.

What did her parents tell her about female sexuality ?
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

Shepherdsflock
Twin size
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:20 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 1st, 2008
Gender: Male

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Shepherdsflock » Tue Jun 28, 2016 6:11 am

I wouldn't say she was part of any specific purity culture, though she definitely seems to have had some kind of influence along those lines.

She has told me before that she always believed that sex was just for procreation, and she has a hard time understanding why I want it so much when we already have kids.

Her parents told her almost nothing. Her father never discussed it with her ever, and her mother only discussed it with her for about two minutes a few weeks before we got married. The basis gist of what her mother told her was that I would want sex constantly, it would hurt the first time, it felt kind of warm when a man is in a woman, and that orgasms feel like sneezing. That was her sex-ed talk from her parents.

We also come from very different homes sexually speaking. My parents touched and kissed in front of us daily. Nothing over the top or inappropriate, embracing, kissing, maybe lightly touching each other's face. Definite signs of sexual attraction. Her parents never showed any signs of sexual affection. Her brother has verified this, and so have my own observations. Though her parents are now in their seventies, I have never seen them kiss, hug, hold hands or anything. They don't hate each other or anything, I think that somehow they just never had much of a sexual relationship. They obviously had some sort of sexual relationship at some point, because they had my wife and her brother, and two miscarriages before my wife came.

User avatar
MayDayGirl
Hammock
Posts: 1195
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:54 pm
Location: The Burbs

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby MayDayGirl » Tue Jun 28, 2016 11:53 am

Oh dear.....that does sound like a hypochondriac, and possibly some of the drama is for attention. I'm not sure what you can do as it sounds like you've done all you can, making her see a doctor, researching the discharge, and flat-out telling her how bad she makes you feel with the freaky comments and crying during sex.

Any chance of talking her into seeing a counselor?

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5251
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jun 28, 2016 12:12 pm

MayDayGirl wrote:Oh dear.....that does sound like a hypochondriac, and possibly some of the drama is for attention.

She may just need an education. When I read about the "discharge", it reminded me of my younger years. I had no clue what was "normal" and my home wasn't an open atmosphere, so I did think something was wrong with me. I thought I had diseases, infections, that I was dying or even that I was being "punished" by God. Maybe getting a book or finding a website for girls, on puberty, body changes, especially sexual changes and what your body naturally does during ovulation, could be helpful. Since coming to TMB, I have found many other areas where I though I wasn't "normal", but learned it to be very natural and normal. Go alongside your wife and be students together about the male and especially female bodies and functions.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

Shepherdsflock
Twin size
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:20 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 1st, 2008
Gender: Male

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Shepherdsflock » Tue Jun 28, 2016 12:19 pm

MayDayGirl wrote:Any chance of talking her into seeing a counselor?

Already tried that. She went to four sessions and refused to go anymore. The counselor made some suggestions of things we could do to kindle some feelings, And she was extremely uncomfortable with her suggestions. While I do admit that the counselor's suggestions of sexting and watching porn together were way outside the boundaries of what either of us feel right with, she wouldn't even consider a different counselor.

Shepherdsflock
Twin size
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:20 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 1st, 2008
Gender: Male

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Shepherdsflock » Tue Jun 28, 2016 12:23 pm

SeekingChange wrote:Go alongside your wife and be students together about the male and especially female bodies and functions.

You are probably right. I do admit to having some room to grow in being compassionate toward her in this area. I have a tendency to think, "You're 38 years old and you don't know how your body works?!". Not the most loving or helpful attitude.

Can you recommend any good resources from Christian authors or publishers that might help?

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5251
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jun 28, 2016 12:40 pm

To get the details of what I needed, I don't know of Christian resources... not saying there isn't any, I just can't help you. I found an article, that was on a secular/worldly site for teens, that actually was very helpful for me on learning my own body, but I am able to ignore the junk on the fringes...but some Christians were offended by it.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

Shepherdsflock
Twin size
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:20 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 1st, 2008
Gender: Male

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Shepherdsflock » Tue Jun 28, 2016 12:52 pm

Unfortunately, I believe my wife is WAY too sensitive and probably wouldn't even look at any secular website. I tried to get her to read His Needs Her Needs with me last year. Very tame book in my opinion. She read half of the first chapter and thought it was trashy smut. At least, that's what she told me. Wouldn't read another page. I thought it was a decent book, I read the whole thing. It's hard to say if she was genuinely offended by it or just scared that she might have to face some tough realizations if she went forward with reading more of it.

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5251
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jun 28, 2016 1:02 pm

How much are you praying for her? Are you praying for God to break her? For a holy passion to be stirred in her for you and your marriage? That her heart be turned back to you? And, no matter what happens or doesn't happen with her, that you will be a vessel for Christ to love her through you? Are you praying that she will have a thirst and a hunger for Christ and the Word and that her love for Him deepens? Because, the more we love Christ, the more we want to be obedient and the more sensitive we will be to the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and the quicker we will respond to His convictions... and that includes our actions as a wife. BTDT. I don't need the answers to these questions, but if these aren't in your daily prayers, I would add them. :D
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

Shepherdsflock
Twin size
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:20 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 1st, 2008
Gender: Male

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Shepherdsflock » Tue Jun 28, 2016 1:31 pm

I do. In some respects, I kind of wish she would think about Christ less. I know on the surface that sounds horrible, but stay with me for a second. She is so consumed with a feeling of wanting to be closer to Christ that it is sometimes an issue of contention in our home.

She will spend hours reading the Bible and praying, but has trouble getting things done around the home. She has poor hygiene because she never takes time to shower. She typically gets up at 5:00 and reads and prays until the kids wake up, usually around 6:30. She could take a shower in the morning, at least every other day at a minimum, but won't do it unless I'm home on the weekend and can corral the kids. Then she might take a shower, AFTER her marathon "God time".

She doesn't get things done around the house primarily because the little bit of time she has between chasing kids is spent listening to sermons and devotional podcasts.

She is sometimes resentful of my spiritual life because I seem to put so much less effort into it and yet seem to be growing and doing well. I try to tell her that a fruit tree can't bear more fruit by exerting itself. All of her efforts aren't bringing her closer to Jesus, they're just exhausting her.

She is so focused on "love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength" that she is missing "love your neighbor as yourself". You can't have a thriving relationship with God if you are not really loving the husband and children that God gave you. It is hypocrisy and it is idolatry. You can't be consumed with wanting a deeper passion for Christ if you have zero passion for the husband He gave you. Otherwise you just want Jesus on your own terms, rather than loving and serving Him according to His instructions.

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5251
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jun 28, 2016 1:47 pm

If she is truly seeking Him, you have to trust and believe that the Spirit is and will be convicting her. Keep praying, it takes time. I can pinpoint a time when I would say "my heart turned back to my husband" (year 10 of our marriage) and it was 8 years later we finally got to the same place of us both ready to actually change our marriage, and a year and a half later, our marriage bed totally changed.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

User avatar
seeking perspective
Under the stars
Posts: 5566
Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:01 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 27th, 1991
Gender: Female
Location: between the Northwoods and the Great Plains and the Great Lakes
Contact:

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby seeking perspective » Tue Jun 28, 2016 1:52 pm

Perhaps your wife would be willing to read at Bonny's OysterBed7. Bonny write's for low-libido wives and has a very gentle and Christian approach. Her orgasm series (starts here with links to other articles at bottom) includes some basic anatomy instruction. There are some diagrams, but they are appropriate.

Passion Pursuit, by Dillow and Slattery, is a study for women, and it also has a gentle approach in discussing sexuality.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
The Forgiven Wife
and Sex Chat for Christian Wives

Unfulfilled
Hammock
Posts: 1118
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 3:08 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 5th, 1989
Gender: Male

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Jun 28, 2016 2:32 pm

Just an off the wall possibility.

I have read that a person but definitely women who were sexually abused believe that they are so damaged, so removed from God, so horrible that even God cannot love them. That the sin and shame is actually unforgivable.

That they are only good for swx and pleasing a man and are below lovable. And at person who "appears" to love them is just trying to "con" them and trick them into sex. That they just want something to TAKE FROM them.

This MIGHT explain why she sees sex only as an end to a means. As only something for someone else but never for her. That it hurts. And that it is a thing to avoid. That sex re-lives the sexual abuse and trauma over and over. And that since that abuse and sex was a sin. Each time she has sex she feels further separated from God.

If she felt that she was so damaged that even God could not love her, would she not want to spend every waking second trying to regain that connection and repair the separation with God?

I have a somewhat similar situation and my DW too does not like sex. She repeatedly denied having been sexually abused but has every single behavioral trait of sexual abuse survivors. My DW too stopped going to a counselor, I think because the counselor was "getting too close" to uncovering and was scratching at the door of unlocking something DW was still not ready to reveal.

I hope this is not true about your wife. I do not wish sexual abuse on anyone. But it seems like she believes that everything about her is wrong, diseased, not normal, separating from you and or separating for God.m and much of it is specifically centered around sex.

It is extremely common for even siblings and the Family NOT know that the abuse happened to another family member. And the child is too afraid to say anything. Most often the abuse occurs by someone that the child and family knows. And the child does not want to get the abuser in t double.m and they do not want to be punished for making such an accusation. The abusers know this and convince their victim that they will be in horrible trouble and they cannot say a word etc. it is actually despicable and sick and twisted. But if you read any books you will see that as all too common I'm afraid.

I read a book for husbands of a wife who was sexually a used as a child. It is written by the woman who was abused for husbands. The books name is: "When the woman you love was abused" by Dawn Scott Jones.

When I read the book (we have been married for 26 years and together for about 28) it was like reading a diary of our life together. It was as if there was a camera on me for my entire life and she wrote a book about my marriage. It was that spot on! Yet my DW still denies.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, has feathers like a duck....well one has to consider the possibility that it might be a duck. That is not to say it couldn't be something else. But chances are that there is some kind of bird going on.

Like I said I hope and cannot be sure what happened to your wife. But there are a LOT of things that are at least consistent with having been sexually abused. But that does not mean that it can't be something else. But something has traumatized her.

Tell me; what has her relationships been with her friends over the years? Has all of her friends somehow stabbed her in the back, not really loved/cared for her? Have they "always wanted something from her?" Have they always only gotten to a certain point and then slowly faded away and never gotten really close? Has she ever REALLY let anyone "in" to her? Even you? Or does she put up walls, only let people get so close and then Find reasons to back away, that the other person is not really like them or make an effort to know her. That the relationship fading away is always the other persons fault?

Does any of those things sound familiar to you and what you know of your DW past?

I hope not, but I thought I would ask.

User avatar
Learning1
Hammock
Posts: 1060
Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:06 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 15th, 2014
Gender: Female

Re: Wife never wants to be aroused or have sex

Postby Learning1 » Tue Jun 28, 2016 2:45 pm

Shepherdsflock wrote:She has told me before that she always believed that sex was just for procreation,

That belief is one of the big roots of your problem.

What have you done to counter that belief ? Does she have any Christian influences in her life that can counter this ?

That belief is hindering her enjoying sex for the sheer pleasure of it and stops her from being a passionate sexual woman and probably leaves her under condemnation and confusion when you do have sex. So the below happens....

Shepherdsflock wrote:Up until last November, she would stop right in the middle of sex and start crying and say stuff like "I feel so far from God". You can imagine how hearing that from your wife's mouth during sex made me feel.


Just imagine how your wife is feeling believing that sex outside of procreation is wrong and than having sex. She feeling condemned by God due to her false belief. Hence she spends extraordinary amount of time in prayer and trying to get right with God. On top of that she is dealing with a hurt & angry (rightfully so) husband that is stating that he is not guaranteeing an eighth anniversary.

And the marriage counselor suggests you both watch porn. :evil:

Who are the spiritual influences in her life and in your life ? Whom does she listen to and trust for counsel ? Whom do you listen to and trust for counsel ?
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis


Return to “Lack of Desire”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users