Wife Wants Sex-Husband Doesn't

Low or no sex drive?

Wife Wants Sex-Husband Doesn't

Postby KUSHINA DFC » Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:26 pm

Hello. I was referred here by a friend...first time posting and feels a little weird...lol
Anyway, so the story is this. A year and a half ago I discovered my husbands porn addiction. Since then, we have had a lot of recovery time and we have both moved past this issue in our marriage. he is no longer looking at pornography and I know this without a doubt. one of the things that came out during this time was that he thought that I was no longer physically attracted to him, That was never the case and my lack of attraction came from a lack of emotional connection from his side, which I believe is quite common as a misconception.

BUT knowing that it was very important that my husband feel I was attracted to him I wanted to make sure he knew. From the moment I found out about the porn, I started to have sex with him as much as I could, never going more than 3 days without it. The first few weeks after was like we were newlyweds again. Now I'm fully aware that it wasn't going to continue on like that and that is not my expectation. But as of today it's been 3 weeks since we've had sex. And in the last few months even the times we have had sex he doesn't seem really interested even during. I did lots of things for him that he wanted in this last year and a half. I've stripped for him lots of times, made a boudoir book for him of me for Christmas, done the positions he prefers, the places he prefers etc. Anything he's asked of me, I've done. Meanwhile, he has never done any of the things that I desire. I don't sit around complaining about that fact either but it just adds to the frustration.

It's causing me a lot of issues. Some of which I've never even had before. As if it wasn't hard enough to accept his looking at porn and feeling like I wasn't good enough then (which I am aware that it really had nothing to do with me), NOW, he can't get turned on by just me? Has to be porn in the picture to get him going? How am I supposed to feel about that? And on top of that I'm having thoughts when I see attractive men in public and THAT is something I've NEVER had. Even prior to marriage the only way I felt a physical attraction to someone was if there was an emotional connection. :(

We have open communication and I've told him of my frustrations. He says he just doesn't feel like he wants to have sex. Honestly, I'm getting angry. Where I'm sitting right now I just wanna say "you know what, forget you too. I've done everything for you and you still don't want me so ***BLOWS RASPBERRIES*" But I don't really want that either. I just want to have sex with my husband. And there are literally NO women out there that I have found to talk to. Every woman just says "oh well we don't have THAT problem" WONDERFUL. That makes me feel even better....

I'm degrading....can someone help?

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Re: Wife Wants Sex-Husband Doesn't--HELP

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Jul 20, 2016 12:43 pm

Welcome, sorry your are here under these circumstances.

Have you checked out yourbrainonporn.com ?

When someone is recovering from porn use, there is a period that they need to go through to "reset" or rewire their brains. This is just a thought, but I wonder, if he never "reset" his brain... if he just went from his "high" from the porn, to a new "high" with all the new experiences that you provided, and now that the high is gone, he needs to actually go through a process of resetting/rewiring his brain.

I am praying that the Lord will lead you to the answer of what's going on and that He'll give you the wisdom on what to do. I am also praying that He will guard your heart and mind with the peace of Christ through this time, and that you will take every thought and lie captive and make them obedient to Christ.

Bless you.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Wife Wants Sex-Husband Doesn't--HELP

Postby southerngent » Wed Jul 20, 2016 1:43 pm

You can find out about other women's experiences in being the Higher Drive (HD) spouse here, and at Julie Sibert's blog, Intimacy in Marriage.

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Re: Wife Wants Sex-Husband Doesn't--HELP

Postby Vanna » Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:01 pm

If you are absolutely certain he hadn't lapsed again, causing a shame/guilt cycle for him...

Then it is possible it is what SC mentioned, getting rid of the porn doesn't get rid of all the root issues or the side effects of using it. They do sometimes "bottom out", and come face to face with issues they never realized were there.

Also, another thing that can impact drive is depression and/or stress. The stress can be work, family, health, or hope deferred in terms of unrealized dreams, etc.

How is his life going right now? Has anything changed in his habits or circumstances- sleeping more, sleeping less, lack of outside interests? How are his friendships?

For us- when his libido dropped- (among other things) I looked for ways to help him find relaxation and joy in life. I encouraged him with positive feedback, non-sexual touch, and acts of service (cleaning his shop, finding more room for his stuff in our life- drawers, shelves, a workshop.). I found more ways for us to connect outside of routine- trips to the lake, zoo, new eating places, picnics, fishing. Life can suck the joy right out of your bones if you distill it down to the mundane of work, to-do-list, sleep, work, to-do-list, sleep.

I encourage my hubby to do things I know feed into his dreams- we built a gun range so he and his friends can target shoot, I encourage him to have shop time to make knives, I encourage him to go with our sons to the local nerf and paintball wars. We went to festivals and made new friends.

All of that makes him happier, more relaxed, more playful, and that pays dividends in our intimacy too.

I also make a point to hold his hands and pray- thanking God for giving such a wonderful husband and father to me, and asking for protection, blessing, and favor for him in his day and at his job.

I've realized how powerful my concern and love can be for building up my husband and making him feel like he means something in this crazy world. That really has helped our marriage bed too.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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