Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Low or no sex drive?
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AgentCarter
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Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby AgentCarter » Sat Aug 13, 2016 9:58 pm

This is my first post and I am sure that similar stories have been shared elsewhere, but I'm not sure where exactly to post this.

Some background: I am 25, my husband is 30. I have had one other long term partner/boyfriend (of 2 years), and he has had a handful of long term sexual partners/girlfriends. We didn't want to build a shaky foundation after our previous sins and committed our relationship to Christ from the get-go, though we did "slip up" a few times over a 48-hour period about two weeks before our wedding. Our attraction to each other was electric during our dating and engagement. It was sooooo hard to behave!

We have been married for a month today and in that time, I've been very underwhelmed by our sex, both in volume/how often we have it and by the quality of it. I understand that newlywed sex isn't normally awesome because you're still figuring each other out, but I'm still troubled.

I am saddened and ashamed to say that the quality leaves me wanting. He is smaller and less girth-y than my previous partner and as much as I hate to admit this, I notice it. Size aside, though, I notice that my husband... rarely has enough "umph" to meet my needs. That's strange to me, too, because he is a very fit man who is in the gym daily and works in a job which requires him to be physically capable at a moment's notice, though he is often sedentary at work. He is strong, buff and totally sexy to me. I don't understand his lack of stamina given those factors. And I'm not talking his ability to "last," because I know that that will keep improving, but his literal ability to keep thrusting hard enough (Sorry if that's TMI) just leaves me unsatisfied. I have prayed through these physical things and trust that the Lord will continue helping me to take pleasure and joy from our marriage - I hope that time will work them out on His watch. That part, I believe will improve.

More frustrating is his seeming lack of desire, as least compared to mine. He is very affectionate, but he can go days and days before approaching me with anything more than "sweet" kisses, while I wish we were having sex every day... multiple times a day. It is true that our first month of marriage has been very busy. We traveled a few hundred miles in the days after our wedding and spent time with his family for a few days following that, had a week in between and then flew across the country to my family's home for an annual party and to drive my car/things back across the country. It was tiring, and my husband went right back to working 10-hour days immediately when we got home. We have been home for a week and a half now, though, and in that time he's only really come at me maybe 2-3 times. Any other times I initiated because I was dying for him. When we were driving across the country, I expressed to him that I really need to have sex more often when life slowed down, that it's an actual need, and he said, "Well any time you want to, it's fine with me." I voiced the same, that I am almost always ready to go, and I left it there. Since we have been back to normal life, and still without much sex, I've literally told him, multiple times, that I want him to come home and immediately take me to bed/to do it in the kitchen (sorry if TMI, I'm trying to prove a point), etc., in order to drop some hints and give him some ideas. Even when we were engaged, we enthusiastically talked about "breaking in" every room in our apartment. But every day he comes home and kisses me sweetly before starting his prep for work the next day and settling in for a show on Netflix. He will follow my lead if and when I initiate, but he very rarely initiates things himself and if he does, it's after we have settled in to sleep. There is very rarely any spontaneity and little variety at all. It really hurts me, especially because we have talked about it and I have literally and explicitly told him what to do for me and how. But it's like he comes home and goes on autopilot after years of being single, and all I want is to be a properly sexed newlywed. When we were engaged, I wouldn't have imagined this.

Do y'all have any other ideas about how I could approach this? I have tried sexy clothing/no clothing, I have tried special meals and having the house clean/ready (it's normally quite clean, anyway), I have tried doing his nightly prep for work (as much as I can), I have invited him into the shower multiple times, and I have explicitly told him to do things to me that he has yet to do but has previously verbally agreed to. Please keep us in your prayers, too, if you would.
What now, Miss Carter?

Now, I go to work.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby neilethere » Sun Aug 14, 2016 2:49 am

Disable the TV.

This makes 25 characters.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby Job29Man » Sun Aug 14, 2016 3:55 am

In the Old Testament days, a newlywed man was exempted from all civil obligations (especially military duty) for one year so that he could "make his wife happy."

Bible
If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married. Deuteronomy 24:5


IMHO this also had to do with him having energy enough to please her in every way. Your honeymoon period may have not been "restful" enough for him, and travel takes its toll as well. Now he's immediately back to working long days. His looks may be deceiving, though he looks fit, he may not have as much energy as you think.

And (agreeing with Neilethere) what in the world are you doing watching television? No newlywed couple should have TV or movies in the house for a full year after marriage. You are both to be each other's entertainment during that year. When I married back in the 80s there were no PCs so electronic entertainment was TV. We simply would not own one, for years. Nowadays it takes more discipline because computers do much of our work, but you should each commit to no movies, no "play time" on Facebook and such, no gaming on computers for at least a year. These things suck the energy out of a person, energy which should go to perfecting sex.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby Epaminondas » Sun Aug 14, 2016 5:15 am

There are a number of episodes of the Sexy Marriage Radio podcast about high desire/low desire you may find helpful. Sounds like you are the high desire and must own that and be the initiator most of the time.
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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby Rescued » Sun Aug 14, 2016 7:00 am

Agent Carter, I had the misfortune of being in a couple of relationships that included sex before I became a Christian. And I say misfortune because I really mean it. Sex without commitment (marriage) has to be one of the biggest relational mistakes ever. I don't even like to bring up this topic, but God tapped me on the shoulder this morning (I read your post last night) and nudged me to reply to you.

When my wife and I married, I soon learned that sex is not the same from one woman to the next. However, I soon found myself focusing on the negatives with my wife, not the positives, and that is poison. Satan uses that wedge in a powerful way between a husband and wife. I've been married 30 years and have made it a point to never compare, no matter how much the temptation. The fact that I have a wife who's body is there for me, and me only, is WAY better than that awful insecurity that accompanies a sexual relationship outside of marriage.

Interesting point Job29man makes about TV. We watched tons of TV our first few married years and have pretty much abandoned it now for a long time, them majority of our marriage. Kind of backwards to what he says is best!

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby MayDayGirl » Sun Aug 14, 2016 7:07 am

You've only been home 10 days. If he has initiated 2-3 times in that time period, I wouldn't get too freaked out yet. There's an adjustment time for some after marriage, and there's also an emotional/mental stress for some people when living with someone else after being alone.

From personal experience, a DH that works a 10+ hour day, plus commute time, and especially a job that's stressful or requires a lot of concentration, needs a zone out time after coming home. I'm certain that's what the TV is about. If that's what helps him relax after a long day, I don't think it's right to treat him like a child and take it away, as others suggest. Doesn't seem like a healthy start to marriage, IMO. Many people need time to decompress after a long day. It can be TV, yard work, knitting, etc. Taking it away is not addressing the problem.

It's nothing you are or are not doing. Have you asked him point-blank WHY he isn't initiating more? Ask him what an ideal number of times per week looks like to him. It's great that you've expressed your wants/needs to him, but I'm wondering if his are different, even though he seems to agree with you when you've talked about it. When you do talk to him, avoid putting the blame on him, with starters like, "You never . . ." And maybe planned sex would work for you both, with agreed upon times.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby George B. » Sun Aug 14, 2016 11:11 am

First of all--congratulations on your recent marriage and also for your desire to stay pure with one another before marriage and your commitment to that. Way to go!

Second, my advice would be to not engage in comparisons--physical or otherwise-this is the man you're married to for life. It won't help either of you for you to compare him--either his penis size or other aspects of lovemaking--to your past experience. Also, God designed the vagina to be elastic and to adjust to the penis that it receives in a monogamous relationship. Eventually, his penis should feel "just right" for you. In the meantime, there are positions that will help you feel "tighter," which may help both of you. You may also need to change your expectations of lovemaking and how it goes. Since you were in a longterm relationship before, you may have gotten used to making love in a particular way with your previous partner based on his physicality, his preferences, etc. How you orgasmed with him may end up being different than how you'll orgasm with your husband. You need to give both of yourselves the opportunity to "wipe the slate clean" and start over with one another. Learn how each of you responds to stimulation. Show him what you like. And learn what he likes and wants.

I agree with the admonitions here for you guys not to watch as little TV as possible during this time period. This is your opportunity to focus on one another and really become students of one another, especially before life responsibilities (such as kids or work) rise up and compete even more than they are now for your time together.

One thought that occurred to me: your DH may be feeling pressure knowing your previous relationship and may feel (even if you haven't said anything) that he doesn't "measure up." He may be avoiding you because he feels he's disappointing you. If you've expressed in any way, even a subtle way, that he's not doing enough for you (thrusting hard enough, girth not enough, not doing the right things at the right moment, etc.) then he may sense that as failure and that could kill his desire for you. Weirdly enough, if this kind of thing has started in him, then your overtures towards sex (being naked or in lingerie, inviting him into the shower, to do certain acts with you, etc.) may actually increase the perceived pressure and make him want to join you in the bedroom (or elsewhere) even less.

I think you guys may need to call a bit of a "time out" and just relax and get to know one another, sexually. Try to make sex less goal-focused, and just chill out. Have it be about more foreplay and low-pressure time. I think the first thing to initiate would be a simple conversation. Take time to pray about your sex life (together and separately) and ask God to bless it. Ask him what he likes and have him show you. Do the same for him. Explore one another's bodies and take delight in one another. Choose to set aside your previous sexual experiences and simply embark on this new sexual journey that God has you on as husband and wife.

I hope that all makes sense. Feel free to respond and ask questions! My wife and I also struggled early on in our marriage, so we understand these kinds of things. Know that you're not alone!
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby tjw » Sun Aug 14, 2016 11:26 am

He is smaller and less girth-y than my previous partner and as much as I hate to admit this, I notice it. Size aside, though, I notice that my husband... rarely has enough "umph" to meet my needs.


I was very much a beginner at sex arriving at marriage. My wife wasn't. Her past included a "large" and sexually-adept man whom she referred to as a "porn star".

George B:
your DH may be feeling pressure knowing your previous relationship and may feel (even if you haven't said anything) that he doesn't "measure up." He may be avoiding you because he feels he's disappointing you.


That was me. Before our marriage, I had lots of desire, and from the physical standpoint, I continued to want sex daily or more than daily, but I felt like such a "failure" that I would avoid encountering my wife. Her constant advances and complaints about lack of sex drove me to psychological impotence, our sex was then limited to me delivering her orgasms by manual and oral only.

My wife said on numerous occasions that the only way for our marriage to succeed would be for her to "....bring herself down to my level....". Athough she was 100 % correct in that she was going to have to learn to be pleased with me the way I was at the time, it was not the best way she could have chosen to express herself to me.

You have gotten some good advice from the folks here. I do so sincerely hope that you can find your way to a happy marriage with a satisfactory sex life, and I will be praying.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby SLS » Sun Aug 14, 2016 12:42 pm

Welcome to TMB Agent Carter. You have received some excellent advice so far and I am glad to see that you have committed your relationship to Christ and have repented of past actions. Let me add my 2 cents.

AgentCarter wrote:We have been married for a month today and in that time, I've been very underwhelmed by our sex, both in volume/how often we have it and by the quality of it. I understand that newlywed sex isn't normally awesome because you're still figuring each other out, but I'm still troubled.


When DW and I were dating we had a hard time keeping our hands off each other so I was sure we would have sex at least once a day when we got married. That turned out not to be the case. Like you sex underwhelmed me at first for a couple of reasons. Part of the "excitement" that you might feel about sex before you get married is the "forbiddeness" of it. Once you get married it can take some time to adjust to the fact that sex is no longer forbidden and you are free to engage in it instead of trying to hold back.

I had also built up what sex would be like in my head so much that when I had sex for real it seemed to not measure up. It took some time to adjust to "real life sex" and appreciate just how wonderful and pleasurable it was. Also since DW and I were newlyweds we were quite inexperienced about how to pleasure each other. It took DW and I months before we really figured out how to properly pleasure each other.

Give it some time. You have only been married a month. Even if y'all have had previous partners every person is unique so your "experience" with other partners doesn't translate to your husband and vice versa.

And I'm not talking his ability to "last," because I know that that will keep improving, but his literal ability to keep thrusting hard enough (Sorry if that's TMI) just leaves me unsatisfied.


Again, you have only been married a month (and a good part of that month you were traveling). Believe me when I say it takes time to learn to please each other. Are you expecting to orgasm through intercourse alone or that he should thrust continually during IC? I have been married two years and I have never gotten my wife to orgasm through intercourse alone. Also I cannot go "full power" for very long without risking going over the edge. Maybe he is slowing down in an attempt to not go too quickly.

I also second what everyone else has been saying about avoiding comparisons. It is a temptation that pretty much everyone faces, so don't feel guilty if you are tempted. That said when those thoughts come you need to banish them immediately. They will poison your marriage bed by making you think about something you can't have when you should be focusing on improving your sex life with your husband. As a graduate TA I had to deal with a lot of scantily clad undergrads in my classes. I would not look at them if I could help it. If I had to look I would focus on their papers or their faces. I would think about my wife and how beautiful she is. It is hard sometimes to avoid comparisons but trust me, it is worth it.

More frustrating is his seeming lack of desire, as least compared to mine. <snip> We have been home for a week and a half now, though, and in that time he's only really come at me maybe 2-3 times.


When DW and I just got married I noticed that my desire level was lower than expected. I even felt a little guilty that she initiated the same number of times I did. It is okay to have a period of adjustment and it is okay for you to initiate as much as he does.

Agent Carter wrote:But every day he comes home and kisses me sweetly before starting his prep for work the next day and settling in for a show on Netflix.


MayDayGirl wrote:From personal experience, a DH that works a 10+ hour day, plus commute time, and especially a job that's stressful or requires a lot of concentration, needs a zone out time after coming home. I'm certain that's what the TV is about.


I agree with MayDayGirl on this. DW and I have spent two years of grad school together. We needed something to zone out on. For us it was murder mystery shows on TV. The "whodunit" aspect of those shows appealed to us and actually aided our evening conversations (talking about "who do you think killed X" was far more delightful than discussing our graduate courses).

My thought would be to let your husband watch one episode of his show (not in bed though) and then schedule sex right after. That way you both get sex before bed time and he has some time to unwind.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby gymaddict » Mon Aug 15, 2016 12:08 pm

I agree with all the advice that has been given here and especially with what George B has said in this paragraph

One thought that occurred to me: your DH may be feeling pressure knowing your previous relationship and may feel (even if you haven't said anything) that he doesn't "measure up." He may be avoiding you because he feels he's disappointing you. If you've expressed in any way, even a subtle way, that he's not doing enough for you (thrusting hard enough, girth not enough, not doing the right things at the right moment, etc.) then he may sense that as failure and that could kill his desire for you. Weirdly enough, if this kind of thing has started in him, then your overtures towards sex (being naked or in lingerie, inviting him into the shower, to do certain acts with you, etc.) may actually increase the perceived pressure and make him want to join you in the bedroom (or elsewhere) even less.

Even if you have said nothing to your husband about size, he may have indeed read your body language or as George says, he probably feels like he doesnt measure up. In these days of ready accessible porn focusing on big male genitals and with your husbands past sexual experiences, there is no way that your husband does not know he is small. Add to that the fact that he is a gym rat and the locker room provides experiences for discreet comparison, your husband has to know that he is small and he is wondering if he is satisfying you. As George says, that may even be responsible for his coolness to your advances.

You need to do everything in your powers to make your man feel that he is the biggest and best show in town in the bedroom. You need to stoke his fragile male ego and compliment him at each and every turn on his performance and how his size is the greatest thing in the world to satisying you. As everyone has said, in time you and he will meld into what pleases yo u and what lights your fires. Honor him for the great guy he is as your selection to share your life with. He sounds like a great catch and you sound like every man's dream in the bedroom and every room of your house.

Center your marriage in deep intimacy with Jesus and each other. Grow into the best couple on the planet in every facet of what God has given you, and it sounds like your attitude plus what your husband brings to the table is alot. Godspeed.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby tjw » Mon Aug 15, 2016 1:53 pm

The words of our Lord Jesus Christ as recorded in Mark 11:24 (KJV):

Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.


We are are own most trusted "expert" witness. We are made in God's image....God spoke, and it came to be.... we have amazing power in our
tongues.....and, there is no greater tongue power than that of a man's wife over him.....

You need to stoke his fragile male ego and compliment him at each and every turn on his performance and how his size is the greatest thing in the world to satisying you.


Yes, great advice...... and this will go a very long way toward making you believe it, too, which is going to be essential to a satisfactory conclusion to this.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby bride2bee16 » Mon Aug 15, 2016 1:59 pm

Hi AgentCarter... I get where you're coming from, and I'm in the same boat in many ways! I'm 26 and newly married (March), and we strived to wait for marriage, but we crossed that line a couple times while we were dating, early on. I thought our sexual energy was electric and couldn't wait to have sex every day! But my husband has not seemed very interested in sex since we got married, either. He also works a TON and has a high-stress job in a high-stress field. He is very protective of his personal time and we have a big screen in our bedroom that's on every night... eeeeeek!

Know that you're not alone and it's a very emotional place to be as a newlywed wife!!! :( We usually have sex once every week or two, if I initiate, and it's all over so quickly, and very frustrating how little I get out of it. If I come on to him too strong sexually, he sometimes struggles with ED. I have a feeling he could go for months without even thinking of it. And I've tried everything you mention; it just increases the "pressure" on him, as previous commenters mention, and seems to give him ED.

I'm currently reading "Mating in Captivity," by Esther Perel, and highly recommend it as it is really helping me to understand married sexuality vs. intimacy. I'm sorry you're going through this, too! Hugs...
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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby gymaddict » Mon Aug 15, 2016 2:55 pm

To the original poster and bridetobe16:

I would do something drastic about both your situations. Scripture says that the husbands body is not his but his wife's and vice versa. I assume you young marrieds sleep together. Morning wood should be common to your husband(s). I would definitely go at his wood in hand fondling or with oral application. Be prepared for any type of verbal or physical rejection and if he shoves you away verbally or physically, respond with "Oh no buddy, this penis is mine and I am going to make the best use of it." Then proceed on to follow through.

I dont know a normal guy who can resist that kind of action. If he does, you may want to look for other causes like his private porn consumption (remembering that all addicts, yes porn addicts, are liars and deceivers to protect their addiction), or look for low Testosterone causes, or maybe even sexual orientation issues. It is hard to fathom a newly married guy who doesnt like sex and lots of it in all of its many and wonderful variations.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby Unfulfilled » Mon Aug 15, 2016 5:45 pm

Past sexually abuse can cause this type of behavior as well.

There can be lots of reasons. Communication is the most important thing to attempt.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby wolfsphoenix » Tue Aug 16, 2016 6:35 am

I won't repeat what's already been said, lots of good advice here, but to Agent Carter, specifically about your concerns that he can't thrust for as long as you'd like.....have you all tried varying positions and see if that enhances the quality, if not the quantity at least? I know the bigger concern is that you perceive him to have low desire (though I agree with MayDayGirl, really what you describe doesn't sound like a big problem yet), BUT I also didn't want to ignore what you say about each episode being "lacking."

A simple fix, or at least a simple thing to try and see if it helps, would be for you to take some more dominant roles, even just Woman on Top, so that you are controlling the pace, the thrusting, the depth, etc. This might also help with the perception you have of him being smaller/might compensate for any size difference you are noticing.

Regarding who initiates, though, I think some balance or give & take is normal there; you say you've been home 10 days or so at the time of your post, he initiated 3 times, you initiated a few times (let's say 3 since you didn't specify), that leaves only 3 non-sexed days.....I suppose maybe not as "all over each other as newlyweds" as the movies portray, but a pretty good balance (or so it seems from the perspective of someone married nearly 2 decades...). Anyway, all that to say, relax, maybe stop keeping score for a while (on who initiates and who doesn't), don't be afraid to change positions to find a better "fit", and focus on having fun. Unless he is also unwilling to engage when you initiate, then it sounds more to me like a normal adjustment period, not a full fledged problem, at least not at this point.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby OldBear » Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:16 am

Three thoughts for consideration.

Embrace your DH: Although each of you had a BC (before Christ) experience with other lovers, do consider the importance of "forgetting what is behind and press forward . . ." It may take time, yet it is vitally important. Comparing your DH to a previous lover is holding him to a standard that is no longer valid.

A fulfilled MB (marriage bed) is a journey: This oft mentioned point on TMB may seem simplistic, even trite, but it is very true and if a couple will turn their attention to the adventure of the journey; always trying new things, sticking with the tried and true, and being willing to be patient, the fulfillment of the MB will be realized. Mrs. Oldbear and I have a wonderful (not always perfect) story of great sex and not so great sex, dealing with different levels of needs, liking and disliking things that the other may dislike and like, failing to meet expectations :x and exceeding expectations :D , etc.

Modulate expectations: Two things spurn sexual response - disinterest and pressure. Disinterest will puncture the balloon of sexual excitement. Too much pressure will pop the balloon, preventing it from being inflated. [Pun fully intended!]

As a married couple, finding that balance between living and loving (making love) is a process of sharing your needs and meeting each other's needs. There is no magic formula. In fact, every couple is different. Think about these three suggestions and talk with your DH about them. You may find that that conversation will pave the way to having just the right amount of sex.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby AgentCarter » Tue Aug 16, 2016 1:23 pm

Hi, everyone. Thank you for the responses, and sorry for the delay. I've read all of the earliest responses and am on a bit of a time crunch at the moment, but I want to at least address some points.

Firstly, past lover(s). In my OP, I had originally talked more about this but cut it out due to length/relevance. Basically, my "comparison" of my husband to my ex is something that I prayerfully put an end to as soon as I noticed that I noticed the difference. I understand that comparison is toxic and a betrayal of my vows/promises to him as his wife. I want my desires and energies to be for and focused on my husband and only my husband. That's what he deserves. My past relationship brought me so far from the Lord that it crushed me for years. In a lot of ways, the sex that I shared with the lover was a way of emotional acceptance/care. We had a hard time connecting emotionally (because of sin and because we were not well yoked, interpersonally), so the relationship was very physical in order to keep it alive. We were toxic for each other. So, again, when I noticed a size difference between he and my husband, I began to pray about it. My husband is my very best friend, the love of my life and the only person I want. His heart matters more to me than his genitals. Period. And, frankly, what he is working with is plenty to get the job done for me - especially because, as some have noted, I will "mold" to him in time. Also, from what I know about his past, I don't think he has any sort of performance anxiety. He has been manipulated with sex in the past, but more along the lines of "I won't have sex with you because...", not because he wasn't "good." I regularly reinforce him with flirts, compliments, affirmations during sex, etc., and I mean them. I also seriously have no idea why he married me on a purely physical level - he's the hot one. Notice my screen name, Agent Carter? Because he is literally Captain America. He knows how much he turns me on. Even around the house, if we're cooking or something, I'll say things like, "Hey, handsome," or, "What's up, stud?" Soo...

In light of all of that, I still have a hard time understanding his lack of desire or approaching, but I have pinpointed some factors. The past few days have been rough for him. He works in law enforcement and as those of you in the States know, there is a lot of tension for officers lately. Also, the bureaucracy of it all is crushing him. His superiors treat him like dirt, give him the boring jobs, the paperwork, etc, and he is purposed to a faster pace of work on the streets/in the field. And because he's historically been with women who were manipulative and unsupportive, and because he's been single for over a year and a half, he's not really been telling me very much. It's in his nature to carry a lot on his own, both literally and emotionally/spiritually. But one of the reasons we married is because we understand each other. I was in the Army for some time, so I know everything that he's talking about. Two days ago he came home, went into the bedroom without me and closed the door. When I knocked, I found him surfing Facebook. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I just shut the lights off and cuddled up with him. I ended up rubbing his back with some calming oil and just let him rest in quiet. Then he told me about work, but with a little bit of minor "prying"/asking. I asked him to talk to me about those things because it's my job and my privilege to be his sounding board. "You don't have to carry everything alone anymore."

So, that sort of communication-based tension has eased. We had a good night last night. Made dinner and laughed a lot, but there was also an immediate turning on of some show on Netflix when he walked in, which lessened our communication at first. It would be fine if we watched some shows and I knew that we'd be having sex before/after, but he usually pushes the shows until he falls asleep on the couch. I get his things ready for the morning (He gets up between 4:30 and 5:00 AM for work, so no morning sex for us - that's why I want it so bad when he comes home.) and then tuck him in. He always wants to cuddle as he drifts to sleep, though. Also, amidst the laughter last night, I'd try to get touchy and flirty, and told him that I as soon as he was ready for sex I am more than ready ("I can't wait to feel you again,"), but I am in the ending days of menstruation and apparently that's something that's a significant mental block for him, even though I promised him that he wouldn't even notice it now (because I know myself and he wouldn't, sorry for TMI). I understand how that's a turn-off, but it really felt like another shutdown of *me*. He did have half-erections a few times during the evening and I've offered oral sex for the past few days, especially the day that he was very stressed, but he said that he'd rather "save it." Does that mean that he needs 3-4 days of recovery time between ejaculations? My immediate response to that is honest sadness, though I can/will try to understand a difference in drive. Again, he totally turns me on, I don't want to compare him to anyone else and I want to be only for and with him, but I can't do that if he doesn't want to, too, you know? I want to spend time learning him and fitting to him, but it just doesn't seem to be happening for one reason or another. I am getting to the point where I'm ready to yell, "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME?!"

Tomorrow is when he said he'd be comfortable with it, so we'll see. I'm trying to be gracious and understanding. I get that he has been stressed at work and that periods aren't really pleasant, but I am still feeling like my needs aren't being equally heard. It's not even about the purely physical at this point. I want more emotional connection. Thank you all for your responses. I haven't read the most recent few thoroughly. Will respond again. Time crunch right now.
Last edited by AgentCarter on Tue Aug 16, 2016 3:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
What now, Miss Carter?

Now, I go to work.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby tjw » Tue Aug 16, 2016 1:37 pm

What you're describing in your second post seems like there's an underlying physical problem.

Does that mean that he needs 3-4 of recovery time between ejaculations?


I do, at 64. But if he does, at 30, I would suggest he see a urologist.
The half-erections can be either from psychological inhibition or from physical. But the recovery time seems completely physical in origin.


MUCH LATER EDIT:

I understand that comparison is toxic and a betrayal of my vows/promises to him as his wife. I want my desires and energies to be for and focused on my husband and only my husband.


This statement took me back 31 years to when my first wife and I were attending marriage counseling over the similar issue.
A very similar statement was made by our Christian counselor to my wife. However, your response to the Holy Spirit and her response to another spirit are remarkably different.

Your response to your Lord will be rewarded by Him, who is the "author and finisher." of your faith. My wife's response was rewarded by the author and destroyer of her faith, who was her lord, but not our Lord. Your response's reward will be a happy and wonderful marriage and sex life with your husband. My wife's reward was quite the opposite.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby Job29Man » Wed Aug 17, 2016 6:40 pm

Two days ago he came home, went into the bedroom without me and closed the door. When I knocked, I found him surfing Facebook.


Married people don't knock. My $.02 :D
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby AgentCarter » Thu Aug 18, 2016 7:12 am

My husband made good on his word ::alarm AND I get breakfast out of the deal, too. :D :wink:
What now, Miss Carter?

Now, I go to work.


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