How do I improve my sex life?

Low or no sex drive?
oudia777
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How do I improve my sex life?

Postby oudia777 » Sat Oct 29, 2016 9:34 pm

My hubby and I have been married for over 3 years and we love each other. It seems that after 6 months into the marriage, a lot of the passion ended. We mostly only have sex when I initiate it. Even then it's only really satisfying less than half of the time. My hubby is really sweet and very good in other ways. But when it comes to sex, he is kind of submissive and a bit clueless in bed. And I find myself crying myself to sleep about once a month over it (and other things). I don't think my hubby has low T or a low sex drive (he masturbates fairly regularly). He says he really wants me all the time. But he never does anything about it. He just says it and looks at me. I kinda don't believe him anymore when he says it.

I have tried communicating to him about it. And every month we have the very same conversation about it. Everything is good for a week or so. But then nothing really changes. We've tried counseling with an older couple and a marriage webinar. But nothing lasting has really stuck. It's gotten to the point where I purposely do kegels so I can get the sex over quicker so I can I sort myself out without him. And I kinda find myself wondering sometimes if this is the way it's just gonna be until we either get divorced or until we die at a very old age. Passionless and virtually sexless.

Please help!

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby Lee816 » Sat Oct 29, 2016 11:03 pm

No advice but prayers

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby 2pack » Sun Oct 30, 2016 4:56 am

Have you asked him about pornography? The fact that he masturbates regularly but has a lower desire to be with you is the part that stands out to me. Was this addressed in any of your counseling or mentoring?
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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby tjw » Sun Oct 30, 2016 5:17 am

We mostly only have sex when I initiate it. Even then it's only really satisfying less than half of the time. My hubby is really sweet and very good in other ways. But when it comes to sex, he is kind of submissive and a bit clueless in bed.


There is no way I could claim to understand your husband's motivations and driving thoughts. But if I add things up using my own psyche as the "calculator", the sum of what you're telling me is that he doesn't know what to do, and he knows that what he's doing doesn't please you. He has
reverted into masturbation in order to satisfy his urges, but is "afraid" of being with you. He's telling you the truth when he says he wants and desires you, and I think he would much rather be with you than masturbating.

The best advice I can come up with is to use non-sexual scenarios to edify him in his manhood. Tell him what you like and what you want him to do to you when you have your next bedtime. He can then receive the "message" without feeling pressure to perform.

BTW, we men are "clueless" to womanese language, too. You have to use really short sentences. In any conversation where we have to connect the dots, use really large dots and no numbers higher than 3.

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Sun Oct 30, 2016 6:03 am

So sorry you are going through this. Sadly, this narrative is not uncommon here. Anecdotally, it seems to me that most women in your situation have husbands who fall into one of three categories:
1. The husband is using porn/has a porn history
2. The husband has low T
3. The husband had very poor teaching on sex as a child/teen and feels bad for expecting his wife to do "dirty/ wrong things."

It is important to figure out in which category your husband falls. Don't give up. Don't accept vague answers. Get to the bottom of it.

Praying for you and your husband.
~HM Kate

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby oudia777 » Sun Oct 30, 2016 6:12 am

2pack wrote:Have you asked him about pornography?

He gave up porn before we got married. He says he masturbates to the images of us making love and past sex acts we did.

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby tjw » Sun Oct 30, 2016 6:23 am

Where he's at now is an improvement over porn. However, his prior porn involvement probably has a huge effect. Porn creates really unrealistic expectations for men's "performance" which they impose upon themselves in their marriages. It's uncanny how even the most rational of men who would totally reject the notion that they could don a red cape and fly out a window somehow treat porn in their minds as reality.

Most men need professional guidance and help to overcome these fears. Pastors and church counselors simply are not adequately trained in abnormal psychology to the degree needed to walk the man out of it.

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Oct 30, 2016 1:56 pm

Hi Ouida. Sorry you are going thru this.

I have some questions for you.

When you were counseling with the older couple, did you all agree on any concrete actions that he would take to rectify this?

Does he realize the seriousness of the situation? I mean, here you are contemplating divorce. If he knew that, hopefully he wouldn't be so passive about it.

Does he manually or orally stimulate you?

You say sex is unsatisfying half the time. Is this in part because of less-than-stellar erections? I'm not so sure that his testosterone levels are good. More on that later.

How often does he masturbate?

Here are some things that you could do:

1. Have sex at least x number of times a week for say at least 1 hour per session. Scheduling it would be ok at this point. There are no performance expectations. You massage each other, cuddle, and if an erection is not in the offing, go for manual or oral, or masturbate together.

2. I gather that when either of you masturbate, you do it alone. Stop masturbating alone unless one of you is away overnight. In marriage, sex, even solo sex, should be shared. And, he should be masturbating less and putting the energy into taking care of you anyway.

3. He sounds clueless in finding his way around a woman's body. Ask him to read Sheet Music, or better listen to an audio version as you travel or read it to him. Make sure it gets done. It will be a springboard for further conversation.

These are all doable. If you do them, they won't necessarily solve your problem, but marriage will be more sexual than it is now. If there is any resistance, that indicates that Kate's problem #3 above is a factor, and you can address it.

Big problems rarely have only one cause. I wouldn't rule out low testosterone. It could be a contributing factor to his former porn use and current masturbation, not to mention the lack of interest. It's easy and inexpensive to check, so you may as well rule it out. Ideally he would go to a good doctor specializing in male hormone issues. There may be more going on than low testosterone. But you can go to discountedlabs.com and order a testosterone test for $30. There are a lot of people here who can help you interpret the results.
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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby wolfsphoenix » Mon Oct 31, 2016 7:24 am

You mention that he says, often, that he really wants you but he just says it and looks at you....could it be that he feels saying it IS a way to initiate, and he is hoping, in those times, the two of you will then be intimate? Have you ever tried "hearing" those words as an invitation, and take him at his word and give him what he wants right then? For ex, maybe saying, "oh really? Well, let's go then!" Or some other flirtatious reply and see if that results in intimacy.

If you have tried this, and he doesn't follow up his words with actions even if you respond positively, then yes, I think maybe there is a bit deeper issue going on. Maybe low T, maybe carry-over from the porn use, maybe something else.

If you haven't ever tried this, responding positively when he says he wants you, I would encourage you to try it. It isn't as seductive or romantic as we women tend to want, but it is an effort (or seems like it could be) on his part. If he is verbalizing his desire, and only ever ignored or met with disbelief when he says that to you, he could very well be feeling like you don't want him, even while you feel he is the one not wanting you.

For the rest, there's lots of good advice here, so I won't duplicate that. Just wanted to touch on this aspect, which I didn't see discussed yet.

Best of luck to you.

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby Job29Man » Mon Oct 31, 2016 12:00 pm

I agree with ledgemoor. There is absolutely no reason a married man should be masturbating, EVER, unless and until his wife is 100% satisfied in bed. I've been married over 30 years, and have a very willing wife, and have (almost) never found it necessary to masturbate.
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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby oudia777 » Tue Nov 01, 2016 7:34 am

Thank you all for your amazing advice. So I talked to hubby and here's an update. It's actually all 3 of the big listed problems here. Holdover of unrealistic expectations from porn; feelings of low self esteem and shame regarding himself and sex(he says he feels guilty about bothering me with sex when I am busy or otherwise. And he is afraid of rejection); and low T(he was tested). He is willing to work all those things together with me. But we have no idea where to start. Any tips?

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby tjw » Tue Nov 01, 2016 8:08 am

Yep. Mount a complete frontal attack on all 3, with all of them at priority 1.

Find a doc who is as knowledgeable as you can in T replacement therapy, and try it out. It's a really good idea to check the pituitary with blood work-up and CT or MRI before T is prescribed.

He stops masturbating. Instead, he comes to you with his "problem", and you never reject. In fact, you take the opportunity to edify him with your words and actions that show how you want him, desire him, and admire him as a man.

You don't stop initiating sex, either.

It doesn't sound like, to me, that you are "too busy" for sex. However, if you are too busy for sex, you are too busy. Become less busy. Drop anything else that is a priority over sex.

Find a qualified counselor who specializes in sex therapy. If the qualified counselor is a christian, that is better, but my advice is that you shouldn't select a counselor who is a christian and lacks qualification and/or specialization over a qualified non-christian. What your husband needs most of all is a good dose of reality and realistic expectations for himself, expectations that meet your needs and get him approval from you. You should go with him to the sessions.

he is kind of submissive and a bit clueless in bed.


I think you are in for the surprise of your life.... I'm not a gambler, nor the son of a gambler, but if I were, I'd be willing to bet that he isn't "clueless" at all. He just compares himself to that insidious pornographic parlor of satan's lies that he has, unfortunately, believed, and is highly intimidated when he's with you. He doesn't believe he can actually please you.

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Nov 06, 2016 6:25 pm

Testosterone is the easiest place to start. You are so fortunate that he is willing to do something about it. One major symptom of low testosterone is denial and unwillingness to get help. We hate having to get our manhood from a bottle. Getting the husband to the doctor is typically 90% of the battle. Begin by starting a thread on Male Testosterone Issues saying asking how to go about getting treatment for him. That will save you a lot of time and money going down the wrong paths. There are many of us guys here who are on it and can help.

WolfsPheonix has a great suggestion! Confidence and fear of rejection are easy for a man to develop. Men quickly learn to curb their sexual advances towards their wives. It's a rare man who hasn't heard "all you think about is sex", or even "all you want me for is my body" from their wives. But ironically, women still want men who are sexually aggressive. Read any romance novel. A friend has been helping me with this, and it is improving our marriage. So to him I would say "don't" give up. If she says no this time, she will appreciate your wanting her when she is ready". To you I say "be available for him." Guys typically want sex more often. Charity sex takes 5 minutes :shock: of your time, and pays big dividends in having a man that is easier to live with. He can make up for it when you want it with more foreplay, etc. If you can't make yourself available, just say "sorry, I am dead tired. Can we do it in the morning?". In other words, don't say "no". Say "later".

I'd be willing to bet that he isn't "clueless" at all. He just compares himself to that insidious pornographic parlor of satan's lies that he has, unfortunately, believed, and is highly intimidated when he's with you. He doesn't believe he can actually please you.
Ok, that's clueless in my book. Grown, educated, and intelligent people are often amazingly ignorant about the basics of sex. DW had to explain the G spot to another 50-year-old woman who had been married 25 years. (Maybe because G-spots don't show up on porn?) So many people come here in a quandary about "problems" like "it takes her 15 minutes to orgasm", or "she can't O from PIV sex". So read the book :-).
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby tjw » Mon Nov 07, 2016 4:20 am

(lack of) Confidence and fear of rejection are easy for a man to develop. Men quickly learn to curb their sexual advances towards their wives. ....... But ironically, women still want men who are sexually aggressive.


And, especially if he has a porn background, two quick equations come into his mind:

1) the women in the porn want the guy desperately - so, something is "wrong" with him....
2) my wife wants sex, just not with me

Maybe because G-spots don't show up on porn?


Nope. And none of the other "basics" about making love to your wife, either. One of the easiest ways there has always been to "sell" something is to convince the customer that he doesn't need any knowledge to use it.

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby ledgemoor » Tue Nov 08, 2016 5:55 am

One of the easiest ways there has always been to "sell" something is to convince the customer that he doesn't need any knowledge to use it.
Good point. And not just porn. Even in mainstream PG-13 movies, the couple jumps into bed and immediately have simultaneous orgasms.

A good session for us will take two hours. It includes a lot of massages and stuff that isn't overtly sexual. Loads of fun to do, but it would be boring to watch after the first time or two.

I'm glad sex isn't easy. A lot of things that people do for fun involve some level of challenge. Imagine a golf club that is so good it would get you a hole-in-one every time. Not fun.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby tjw » Tue Nov 08, 2016 7:11 am

Imagine a golf club that is so good it would get you a hole-in-one every time. Not fun.


Not after the first couple times in a foursome. But those couple of times are enough for the inventors to sell a zillion dollars worth of them.

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby hifromme67 » Tue Nov 08, 2016 12:38 pm

oudia777 wrote:He says he masturbates to the images of us making love and past sex acts we did.

I find this hard to believe. Why masturbate to visions of you when he can have sex with you. My husband is a recovering porn addict and I know all the symptoms too well.

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby tjw » Tue Nov 08, 2016 1:20 pm

Why masturbate to visions of you when he can have sex with you.

Because of a couple of basic reasons:

1) The vision requires no "performance". There is no fear of failure to satisfy you inhibiting his ability to get/maintain his erection (which has probably happened in the past, and he has developed a fixation on the failure). And, yes, he is indeed failing to satisfy you in the long term, but the "little brain" doesn't think past the current moment and the relief it wants.

2) The vision always likes him, wants him, and is completely receptive to all his advances, anytime, anywhere, the vision is never tired, never has a headache, never wore herself out taking care of kids and a job, and is dressed like he wants, says the things he wants, and does the things he wants which "work" to keep him on the path to a "happy ending". In short, the woman in the "role play" is you, but he's the script writer.

3) His sexual responses have been "trained" by masturbation. He is far, far more adept at producing his own "results" than he is at sharing the experience with you, about which he is on the beginning skirt of the learning curve.

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Re: How do I improve my sex life?

Postby Unfulfilled » Wed Nov 09, 2016 8:19 am

And in his fantasy, he always satisfies his wife. Something he may feel a failure at.

This may be why he avoids actual sex. Fear of failure. Where in his mind he is always a success.

It is wrong, but perfectly natural to avoid fear and take refuge in what appears to be comfort and pleasure. The evil one always makes sin appear the easy and pleasurable way out. But of course as always, the evil one is a liar!

Satan looks for every way possible to come between and separate the spouses. And Satan is winning in your DH mind. As long as DH masturbates and refuses you. There is obvious strife and division. Esteem husband and wife and Satan "wins".

This must be overcome. But your DH must sincerely WANT to overcome the evil one and his deceptive tricks.


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