introduction and seeking advice

Low or no sex drive?
pursuingintimacy
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introduction and seeking advice

Postby pursuingintimacy » Sun Nov 13, 2016 9:15 pm

Hello. My wife and I have been married for nearly 15 years. We have 3 children, and we find it hard to get enough time for intimacy. My drive is much stronger than hers, so often times at night she is happy to go to sleep rather than have sex. However, when we do have sex, an average of once per week, she orgasms nearly every time. So I'm confused why there is a lot of resistance, when she enjoys it very much. We have argued about it many times, and I need to find an outlet for my drive when she rejects me in bed. I should say that I often spend 20 minutes or more trying to pursuade her, only to give up trying. Should I just masturbate in bed and fantasize about my wife?

Thanks for any helpful advice you could give. I'm glad I found this site and forum for Christian couples, because you can get bad advice from others who are not believers.

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Job29Man
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Re: introduction and seeking advice

Postby Job29Man » Sun Nov 13, 2016 9:36 pm

Welcome brother!

Your question is a common one. I suggest you check around on our archives and do some reading about it for lots of good full discussions about this. Read up also on the Best of TMB thread in the Polls section.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

tjw
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Re: introduction and seeking advice

Postby tjw » Mon Nov 14, 2016 5:49 am

There sure is quite a lot of discussion about this subject on here.

However, when we do have sex, an average of once per week, she orgasms nearly every time. So I'm confused why there is a lot of resistance, when she enjoys it very much.


It has been said in other threads on here that some women don't actually "want" sex until it begins. I could describe my own marriage like this, too, except we have had sex about 3 times in the last 2 years. When we actually do have it, she orgasms every time also and really seems to like it.

I gave up and started taking Zoloft about 4 years ago. My feelings were just being hurt every couple of days because of her rejection. The zoloft is not exactly the best solution because it makes me "not care" about anything, but it enables me to live here at a low-self-esteem level. I can remain somewhat functional in my work and my duties, although it has stripped me of passion about anything. But I can live with the overwhelmingly hurtful idea that my wife is "just not that in to me", which I think is the basic problem in my own marriage. That subject is also well covered here in other threads. It seems that lots of women married men who they were not sexually attracted to, because the man had other good traits, good provider, sincere christian, good father, etc, and thought that they would "learn" to be attracted. It didn't happen.

I do masturbate, although it isn't frequently due to the drugs. I protect my heart and mind from lusting after other women, and that is made a lot easier to accomplish. Better living through chemistry.

One recent thread (last few days):
viewtopic.php?f=43&t=67400

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Job29Man
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Re: introduction and seeking advice

Postby Job29Man » Mon Nov 14, 2016 6:50 am

Dear PursuingIntimacy,

You'll get this question eventually... What is her history of using Hormonal Birth Control (HBC)? This can have a large effect on libido.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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2pack
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Re: introduction and seeking advice

Postby 2pack » Mon Nov 14, 2016 7:52 am

Besides the BC, I have a few other questions...
How old are the kids? What was her sexual teaching and/or background like?
Do the two of you have a good relationship and are you able to converse about other topics freely? Have you done anything that would have broken her trust in you? You said you have argued about it many times - what does she tell you?
This was, in a nutshell, our mode of operation for 15 years but my wife was so defensive about it, our conversations never went anywhere.
What I came to find out over time was some basic lies that she slowly bought into and became her reality. They were as follows...
He doesn't value me as a person, he values sex above all things.
Anyone would do, and his desire for sex has little to do with me or our relationship.
He doesn't love me the way I am, he wishes I was someone else. (By the way, giving in sexually was a confirmation to her that she was going to have to be someone she wasn't to make me happy.)
He wants to bring his desires and sex drive that he obtained from "the world" into our bed.
Me being "happy" after a sexual encounter felt like an "Atta girl, keep that up and you'll be acceptable."
Beyond these things, she had NO IDEA that through sex was the main path for me to sense a deep connection with her.
I couldn't believe when she finally opened up and told me these things. And I am a classic good husband. Listen well, no porn use, easy going, serious about my faith, trustworthy... I'm not perfect but I didn't give her obvious cause to think these things, it just kind of morphed.
I had my own bag of lies I was believing, but that is another issue. But you can see with all of this going on in types of lies in her head, how was anything going to get better? We had to learn to communicate and understand each other better. I can fill you in on how that but these are some things that she may be thinking.
I'm a moth flyin' into the light of it's doom - You wrap me up in your love cocoon...


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