JT77 wrote:My wife, like many wives, is very ambivalent about sex. She doesn't "need it" as often, or as much, as I do. She knows that it's not that I want sex, period. It's that I want her to want to have sex with me. But she says that she just doesn't want it very often, but that I shouldn't let that be an indication of her love for me.
So now, let's look at sex. Why can't she do the same with sex? In fact, why hasn't it come naturally? The only conclusion I can draw is that she doesn't really love me the way I love her. And I think that's true of EVERY wife who doesn't ENJOY having sex with her husband. When you love someone, you naturally begin to enjoy the things that he/she enjoys--because you enjoy making them happy. I've experienced that for my wife in numerous areas. Many husbands do as well. But it is rarely reciprocated. Conclusion: I don't think my wife loves me as much as I love her. And I don't think the wives who don't enjoy sex love their husbands as much as they should.
Hi JT & Farmer1--
The fact of the matter is that women generally do not want sex as often as we do. That in itself doesn't mean that they love us any less than we love them. Male and female sexuality is quite different. I have heard Christian marriage Gurus state that women are less sexual than men. I disagree. You can't measure sexuality by counting the number of sexual encounters someone desires. My DW is fine with once a week or sometimes even less. She is generally pretty good about providing charity sex for me, but has said things like "all you ever think about is sex" to me -- not meaning it as a compliment. Yet, when she needs it, she needs it BAD. And she has gotten multi-orgasmic in her old age. So how is that any less sexual? Different, yes. Less sexual, arguably not.
Men and women are so different that we probably do love each other in different ways. We'll never know, but if they do, it is the way God made them, so it has to be a good thing.
I do understand your dilemma. If, in a premarital discussion about sex with a prospective wife, she had said "Look, I don't have any hangups about sex. I understand it is important to you, so I will gladly do anything you want anytime you want it. But I don't have any sexual desires of my own", I would not marry her. My need to be needed sexually is very strong, and it is a kick in the gut whenever DW is ambivalent about it. I do think that DW could put more effort into sex, and she is making improvement in that area.
If a wife is ambivalent about sex some of the time but does have a sex drive that can be built upon, I recommend this video.http://www.healthyrelationshipsrx.com/s ... y=11019070
It is about two hours of things women can do to increase their libido. A lot of it is health and hormone related. Jennifer Degler is a great public speaker, and presents this material in a humorous and interesting way. What I especially like about her is how sex-positive she is. It is obvious she loves sex. In her encouraging other women to be more sexual, her focus isn't "do this for your husband". It's do it for you
. I'm obsessed with sex, but I think she's got me beat
So much of our sex drives is hormonal. A woman's not desiring sex is often no fault of her own. That, coupled with negative attitudes towards sex that permeate our culture, both in and out of the Church, you really can't blame her in many cases. I have had low testosterone. We were still good friends, had sex as best as we could, but the deep love feelings just weren't there.
Here's where the double standard is. If a guy has low sex drive, we tell him to get off his fat [rear] and get his testosterone checked. A low-drive woman, we assume it's anything but hormones. True, women's sexuality is more dependent on outside influences. Not every low-drive woman needs hormone therapy obviously. But a lot do. There's no risk and not a lot of expense in getting it checked.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)