Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Life

Low or no sex drive?
alaska bob
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Re: Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Life

Postby alaska bob » Mon Jul 10, 2017 5:49 am

flightlessbird wrote:We did talk about sex. the problem is that what my husband thought about himself and sex before we got married was very different to the reality of it after marriage. So while he made out that he would want to have a lot of fun regular sex, the reality is that he just isn't in the mood very often and is perplexed by foreplay.

I can relate to this. My wife and I had this same discussion because I noticed that almost all of the married men I talked to complained about how their wives didn't want to have sex. She assured me that we would never be like that, and her response to hugging, kissing, and what we called "heavy petting" back in that day suggested we would have a great sex life.

I'm not really sure there is a great solution. I was and am committed to our marriage in spite of the fact that I always felt like I got a raw deal in TMB. If I had it to do all over again, I think I would have been more specific about what I considered a minimum acceptable effort. My wife has esteem issues (not just in the bedroom) and I've always been hesitant to be honest about my disappointment. This was only partly due to my concern for her - it was also due to the fact that any feedback in this subject almost always had the opposite effect - if I really, really wanted to not have sex for a couple of weeks, I could tell her we needed to have sex more frequently. I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I hadn't fallen into a pattern of avoiding conflict or trying to protect her feelings, because it doesn't seem to have protected her or to have enhanced our intimacy.

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Re: Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Life

Postby flightlessbird » Mon Jul 17, 2017 12:24 am

Ledgemoor, thank you for all the ideas. maybe a doctor's trip could help. but i think it is mostly psychological...always good to rule that out though. i will look up that book also. :)

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Re: Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Life

Postby tjw » Tue Jul 18, 2017 1:51 am

The particularly salient fact is, that even if it is entirely psychological, a medical doctor can help. Raising the testosterone level can have a remarkable effect on his desire and counterbalance his feelings of inadequacy. There are also several other drugs available now that weren't when I got it the first time.

I went through a struggle with psychological ED as a young man. There was no doubt that it was entirely psychological. I did not have the ED prior to my W's affairs. She derided my sexual abilities and my anatomy in an effort to blame me for her actions. I believed her. She was experienced, I wasn't. It was also not a case of unforgiveness. I knew she was experienced going into the marriage, and I held no grudge. I just felt inadequate.

I was fortunate, because the medical profession was far less enlightened about sexual dysfunction in those days (31 years ago). But I had a good doctor. He knew that he could help, and did. It was also pre-viagra days. He started me on testosterone injections every 2 or 3 weeks and prescribed niacin, an over-the-counter supplement which has vasodilator action. It took about 3 or 4 months of this before the ED went away. This medical treatment was a prime factor in helping me "over the hurdle". This doctor could have looked at my blood tests and "ruled out" physical cause and sent me to a counselor.
Thankfully, for my sake, he didn't. He understood psychology as well as internal medicine. He knew that putting this difficulty into a different realm that could be easily treated was good psychology.

The other way in which T increase helped me is that I felt like "more of a man" and I wasn't quite so embarrassed to seek out counseling help.

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Re: Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Life

Postby Trying2Learn » Tue Jul 18, 2017 6:19 pm

Flightless, My wife and I have a very similar story. You have received some excellent suggestions and advice from others but I would like to add a couple of thoughts.

First, you have a much bigger effect on your situation than you may think. My wife was also experienced to my inexperience and shared entirely too much. I knew more about her previous experiences than anyone should know about their spouse. This was a huge wedge between us. If this is the case with you and you're DH then you owe it to your husband to be extra patient with him, even if the sharing was an effort to start your marriage honestly or even if he asked. God intended both spouses to come to the marriage bed inexperienced, He knew the harm better than we could have imagined.

Second, things that you say have a much bigger impact on him than you think is possible. If I ever heard my wife say "I had plenty of great/experimental/intimate sex" before our relationship, I'm afraid I may never be able to preform again. It is unfair of you to compare your previously sinful experiences to the God honoring marriage that you are trying to achieve. I think wives sometimes underestimate the affect that words can have on their husband, but please hear this clearly, one positive word spoken about a previous relationship or sexual experience can very well cause your DH days, weeks, and even years of anxiety.

My wife and I were married for 18 years before we figured it out. I wish I could give you a more positive timeline than this but... We have now been married 22 years and I know without a doubt that we have exactly what God planned for our marriage bed. I also know without any doubt that she could not even compare what we have with anything in her past life.

Two things played a huge part in us turning it around. I do not know if it will work in your marriage but neither of these could possible do you any harm. First, we now get out of bed every morning together and pray. We pray about our kids, our church, our marriage, and specifically for our relationship, including sex. (God even cares about our sex!). Second, we both have full permission to talk about anything that is causing us pain. At times I need my wife to reassure me for the thousandth time about her past. For the first 18 years she felt like I was "punishing" her again for her past sin when I needed to talk. She now understands that if I am struggling and need to talk, part of a good marriage is propping each other up (even when talking is a painful reminder to her). Of course, I love her so much that I try to limit this privilege for only times that I am at a low and have not been able to shack it off for some time (my rule is 4 days, after that my funk begins to affect how I respond to her).

I know the pain you and especially your husband are going through. You can not do this alone! Please seek out a counselor, minister or mutual friend to talk about this with. One other caution. Your marriage is extremely vulnerable right now. You need to make sure that you are not alone with anyone of the opposite sex, even a "friend".

Start talking and praying together, it can only make things better.
Working towards the marriage that God planned for us.

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Re: Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Life

Postby JPoster » Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:43 pm

Whatever a virgin says about sex is speculation, not an accurate statement of fact that can be relied on. I think that most people having sex at first find it not at all like they imagined, despite their best guesses and intentions ahead of time.

OP since you have the experience it is your role to bring him along into the world of sex. If you were both virgins entering marriage you could fumble, stumble and feel (no pun intended) your way as you learned what each of you liked from the other. However, you are experienced and he is not, so he needs to be taught what works for you.

If he has only been having sex for 8 months he is new at the game and may feel overwhelmed, especially in comparison with your past. I suggest you be open, maybe you have about being experienced, and let him know that you will teach him what you like with no demands or comparisons, to let him blossom as a man, not wither as (in his mind) a failed stud.

You have gotten a lot of good advice. I wanted to add my point of view that sex, despite its unique place, is still in part a skill, like playing the guitar or dancing, as examples, where it takes some time and practice to become good at it.

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Re: Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Life

Postby McGruff » Mon Jul 24, 2017 7:48 am

Your husband sounds like he came into marriage with more sexual reticence than I did; I know I came into marriage extremely excited to have lots of sex. So, he and I might have somewhat different viewpoints on what a good sex life would look like. Even so, I want to add my voice to those suggesting looking into low T or other physiological factors.

When my DW and I married, I struggled greatly with ED. Even when I could get past ED, I struggled with delayed ejaculation, sometimes to the point of giving up on finishing inside DW and often taking so long that sex would become boring and tedious. Being young, thin, and in good health, I was reluctant to seek medical help. However, I got over my pride and sought out hormone replacement therapy as well as viagra. I'm so glad I did. My DW and I now have a much better and regular sex life than we did the first few years of marriage.

Your husband's issues may be quite a bit different than mine, but I hope he isn't reluctant to seek out medical help if it might be relevant.

Also, I agree with the need to be gentle and encouraging in what he hears from you. No matter how rewarding sex can be, performing well in bed can be one of the most difficult mental challenges for a man. It is for me.

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