Different sex drives.

Low or no sex drive?

Different sex drives.

Postby bjhstetson26 » Sat Dec 17, 2016 1:37 pm

I know that this topic is very common in the Christian marriage. My wife has told me several times over our 9 years of marriage that she wishes I would not desire her so much. She thinks once or twice a month is more than we need to have sex. We have not had sex for over two weeks, and she had not even realized it. When I questioned that. She said she had been waiting on me to say something about how long it had been since we had sex. Her father and his family do not think sex is important in marriage. (His wife cheated on him off and on for 30 years.) I know my mother-in-law begged my father in law for intamacy before they divorced. My wife has recently admitted that she is afraid to have too much sex with me, she said "she is afraid that the more sex we have the more I will want.". I plan to call the doctor's office Monday to see if I can get something to kill my sexual desire for my wife, before we end up in a place I do not want to be. I work a rotating shift, two weeks on day shift then two weeks on nightshift. So we are already not at home at the same time as it is. Any thought or advice would be great. What can I do to stop wanting my wife? One time we intentionally went three months without any kind of sexual contact or sexual talk. We completely stopped arguing about anything. She was so happy.

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Re: Different sex drives.

Postby Unfulfilled » Sat Dec 17, 2016 4:51 pm

You are not wrong. Your wife is!

Does she have any clue that NOT having sex with you makes you want it more and never leaving your mind?

A sexually fulfilled man I suspect doesn't worry about sex. If it doesn't happen one night he doesn't have to worry that in the next few nights it WILL happen. His stress level is down, his eyes are less likely to wonder and he is less likely to stray.

It sounds as if she has grown up with horribly wrong teaching about sex. Her father did. Or provide sex to her mother and it appears that she was begging him for intimacy and in the end she cheated on him. Why? I suspect in large part because he would not provide sexual intimacy.

Does your wife know that you are more tempted because she is NOT intimate with you? Does she know the Bible says to NOT deprive one another of the sexual fight so as to not be tempted (except bun MUTUAL consent and the. It is only for a short time for the purpose of fasting and praying.). For no other reason.

You do not need to go to the Dr. To get meds to cut your drive. She needs to look into guidance, education and even to the doctor to see if her hormones are in order. Not you!

Others will have guidance as well and i was not elegant in how I made my point here. But bottom line you and your wife need to work on this before you ever consider lowering your drive with medication. She needs a wake up call as to the importance of physical intimacy in marriage. Because her beliefs that the frequency you are having is OK (unless you are OK with it) is clearly causing pain and hardship in your marriage.

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Re: Different sex drives.

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sat Dec 17, 2016 5:36 pm

I'll ask the standard questions: do you have children and/or is she on hormonal birth control?
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)


Re: Different sex drives.

Postby bjhstetson26 » Sat Dec 17, 2016 8:37 pm

Unfulfilled, thank you for your bluntness and honesty. All I hear when I try to talk to people around us is excuses, they downplay the problem and cherry coat it as well as blame me. As well as tell me I need to change. She says she does not understand how I/we need sex to show love, honor, respect , and acceptance. She had never heard 1 Corinthians7:5 until I showed it to her abut a year ago.

We have a two year old. She has always been compared to her beauty queen sister as far as her body. She alwas complains about her body. She is not a size two. But i can not get her to understand that i love her the way she is. She was on birth control before we met for female problems. She is no longer on any kind of BC she had an implant in her arm for a few months after our child was born in 2014. But that was a bad idea, so it came out. 2012 she had female surgery. Her parents separated on Black Friday of 2012.

The problem has always been there but has gotten worse since her parents separation.

I truly believe she/we do not want to be this way. But she is scared to open up to anyone. She has always been held down by her parents/family.

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Re: Different sex drives.

Postby Job29Man » Sat Dec 17, 2016 8:57 pm


You are right, this is a common problem, a very, very, very common problem. And it's also common that men ask what they can do to reduce their sex drive to match their wife's low drive. The party line on this at TMB is that's a bad idea, everyone loses.

It's much like saying "I'm a student and bored in my classes because I finish my work so fast and the other kids are so slow. What can I do to become less intelligent so I don't get bored in class?"

We won't have advice for you on reducing your normal drive. You just need to work on coming together on this. I know you love her too much to let her languish in this condition.

It is sooooooooo common on TMB that you will find hundreds of hours of reading in the archives with tons of great advice. You can start by reading there.

Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.


Re: Different sex drives.

Postby bjhstetson26 » Sat Dec 17, 2016 11:02 pm

I would like to clerify.When I call my sister in law a beauty queen, I do not do that out of disrespect. She has been in and won numerous pagents. She won way more than she lost. I did not want to to come across as disrespectful or name calling. However my sister in law does not plan to push her two daughters into pagents like she was.

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Re: Different sex drives.

Postby Darkvette » Sun Dec 18, 2016 12:12 pm

Greetings!! My DW and I have been down a similar path. She grew up in a very conservative, Christian home, but was taught that "good girls don't have/think about sex", and for a long time, had a very bad image of herself. After we met and married, she had difficulty understanding the importance of sex within marriage, and was not very comfortable with it at all, constantly pushing back. Another thing she admitted recently, was that she didn't feel that our home was a "safe" environment for her to be open and vulnerable with me.

A number of things began to change when our church offered a seminar on the DVD Series "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (https://loveandrespect.com/). That, along with the other marriage workshops that have followed, have opened up new doors and ideas for both of us, and underscored for her the importance of intimacy and sexuality within marriage.

Another book that really helped her was "The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex" by Sheila Wray Gregoire (http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/books-2/the-good-girls-guide-to-great-sex/).

Also, there is a great deal of information on this website that has helped us over the years. A lot of people on here with similar experiences who are here to help and support you through this.

So, fast forward a few years, we've worked a lot with various counselors and some in our church to help her build her self-esteem as well as helping us to create a "safe" environment for her when we're at home. All in all, she's now a lot more comfortable with her body than she was before, and it's showed in the frequency/enjoyment of our sex life. She originally had the same line of thought that "the more we had sex, the more I would want it", which turned her off to it that much more. But, what she's found recently, is just the opposite. The more we have sex, the more SHE wants it.

My point is this, if you can help her to build her self-esteem, that can go a long way, as can helping to build that trust with her and getting her to open up to you. Also, does she feel like home is a safe place for her? If not, helping her to build that, can be an important piece as well. I'd definitely recommend checking out the Love & Respect series, and Sheila's book. Both are well worth the time/money investment. Lastly, I'm not sure how big you are into prayer, but praying for her can be helpful as well. I know I spent a number of years when we first got married, praying for my DW, that God would open her heart and help her and I both to see the importance of intimacy and sex within marriage.

So, I hope you find some of this helpful, my friend. My prayer for you and your wife is that God pours out his blessings upon you both.



Re: Different sex drives.

Postby bjhstetson26 » Sun Dec 18, 2016 4:04 pm

Thanks for the support from all of you. It is nice to know that there is more than just me struggling with this. And that as a Christian husband that is ok to be in love and desire your wife. I do not feel like as much of an outsider and freak now. I have always thought it was funny that as Christians we should have the best sex life on earth, but we don't. God did not mess thst up, we did. We go to marriage seminars as often as possible, and every time our church offers a marriage class we take it. Thanks again for the support.

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