What do I do wrong?

Low or no sex drive?
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What do I do wrong?

Postby Wright1993 » Thu Jan 19, 2017 8:13 pm

My wife and I have been married for 23 years now. And I still am very attracted to her and think about her all the time! I try to love on her and she never seems interested. After we got married I would buy her sexy clothes like she use to wear before we got married. But she never liked to wear them because she didn't feel comfortable in them. So I stopped. I use to tell her how pretty she was, but she would always tell me that I am suppose to tell her that because I was her husband. So I stopped!

We have tried sex toys and always wind up getting rid of them but always talk about getting some more but she doesn't know if its right or not.

We have been through a lot in our marriage, (depression, almost an affair (her) financial struggles) but God has strengthened our marriage better than it has been in years. I am still very attracted to her, but she hardly ever wants to be close! I try to love on her, I try to cuddle with her, I try to flirt with her, I try to send seductive text, (never pictures, yet!). I've tried to sent her questionnaires, that she usually wont answer all the questions, I try to take her out for a over night trip, but by the time we get back she is either tired or sick??

I've thought about just getting a toy and surprising her, but don't know if I should do that or not?

It's not like we aren't close because when we are she seems to be enjoying our time together. But it always seems like its just when she wants to do it not when I start it. We are very busy people, we do have 2 children one that is 15 and the other 12. I own my own business, which is stressful on me but by the time we get to bed she's to tired? Just a couple of nights ago. I was flirting with her and rubbing on her and she wanted to go right then but my son had his girlfriend over and I was like not now. So when we went to bed an hour later with both acted like we where staying awake till our son went to bed, and then when he did, I started loving on her and she just laid there?? I asked what wrong and she said nothing but wouldn't let me rub where I need to! I got really mad and spend the night on the couch! Not much fun there!
So I really don't know what I am doing wrong!

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Re: What do I do wrong?

Postby tjw » Fri Jan 20, 2017 3:58 am

Was it this way since the beginning of your marriage, or can you point to a time something changed in her attitude toward sex?

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Re: What do I do wrong?

Postby SeekingChange » Fri Jan 20, 2017 6:44 am

To me, it doesn't sound too far off from typical. How well are you two at communication? What about communication about your marriage bed?

Maybe she's like the majority who believes she should "feel like it" before she starts, not realizimg most women don't start "feeling like it" until after they start. It might just mean she needs to learn in the area of sexuality with men and women....there are plenty of books, blogs and sites that are at her disposal if she is willing to learn.

Another thought, just taking it from personal experience.... there was an incident that happened the first few years in our marriage. It was a distinct marriage changer for me (actually became a sexual refuser from it). I always carried that wound around and I had a mighty fortress built around it, that kept my husband at a distance with any true intimacy. A few years ago, I finally talked about it with my husband (married 22 yrs now), it was actually the motivating factor for me to want to go through a 90 day process of working on our marriage (a book led us through it). Here's the kicker, and part of my point, my husband had absolutely no recollection of it. You may not know or remember how a "non-significant" comment or action to you, could have cut your wife to the core, and until that wound is healed, no outward changes will fix anything. Sometimes the healing of our marriages need to go from the inside out.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: What do I do wrong?

Postby Job29Man » Fri Jan 20, 2017 6:58 am

Wright1993 wrote: I got really mad and spend the night on the couch! Not much fun there!
So I really don't know what I am doing wrong!

For starters brother, don't ever go sleep on the couch. Stay in your own bed. You are asking for a diagnosis of what you are doing wrong, but of course there's no way we can tell without knowing a whole lot more. It's really going to come down to you asking HER this question, "What am I doing wrong?"

When we get married, no one gives us the Owner's Manual to Marriage, unfortunately :( .
Probably no one ever taught either of you the art (and it IS an art) of deep, honest, problem-solving discussion, the kind of discussion that breaks through logjams.

If there was a book it'd be hundreds of pages long. Here's the simplified outline (IMHO)...

1. Both people commit to working through problems all the way to a mutually satisfactory solution. (Most people are selfish and never agree upon this foundational principle.)
2. The person with the complaint (let's call him/her the presenter) presents it clearly, and in love.
3. The other person (let's call him/her the receiver) actively listens, with an ear towards hearing and understanding the heart of the other (not with an ear towards preparing a defense).
4. The receiver tries to empathize and actively repeats back the complaint in terms and description that demonstrates "I truly understand the core of what you are saying, down to the deepest detail."
5. They discuss back-and-forth (learning this art would truly involve hundreds of pages of explanation and illustrations).
6. They either come to an agreement, OR they agree that the problem is not so unsettling that they can agree to disagree and their relationship can flourish even so (but then why bring up the complaint in the first place?), OR failing that...
7. The presenter can say "I am not satisfied with this outcome. I appeal to an outside authority or counselor." And then (here's the catch), the receiver says "I agree, I will go with you to an outside counselor or authority and I will honestly discuss, explain and listen to her/his response and counsel." For a first step in counseling I suggest an understanding older couple in the church with a great marriage, could be an elder and his wife, could be pastor and wife. This sometimes works well for about 2-3 meetings to address general principles, moral issues, Biblical wisdom, etc. For deep discussions, hand-holding, life-coaching, minutiae beyond that you generally need a trained marriage counselor.

Wright1993, that's the way this thing is going to get resolved. I think we don't have solutions we can give you here other than that.
On TMB you have many married people who have been through lots of problems, worked them through, and come out the other side with stronger marriages. I don't ever recall anyone saying (regarding lack of sexual intimacy) "I agreed to drop the subject and settle for a non-intimate marriage and we are both so much happier and fulfilled now."

But there are a number of people who have worked through their issues according to some semblance of the simplified outline (above) and have come out the other side with stronger, more intimate marriages.

Here's where most new TMB people respond, "That'd never work in my marriage because..." or "I try to talk to her and she just clams up," or "I asked her to go to a counselor with me and she refuses."

Wright1993 that would then be the thing you need to work on, getting her to a counselor, rather than working on the intimacy itself.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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