Change in desire, some ED

Low or no sex drive?
ghostrider
King bed
Posts: 445
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 12:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 30th, 2000
Gender: Male

Change in desire, some ED

Postby ghostrider » Fri Jul 07, 2017 8:38 am

Over the past 1-2 years my sex drive and other things have changed considerably. I want to want my wife, but I don't say yes every time she offers. I don't initiate much anymore because of our history, and being told no so much for a period about 3-5 years ago.

Now she is generally interested a good amount of the time, and occasionally very interested. She really enjoys sex when we have it and I do too, but frequency has dropped to once a week or less recently. I think I feel similar to MisterV in his post below. It takes longer for me to get hard, and while it works, it also gets soft if I stop getting stimulation. Its noticeable enough that my wife has asked me to look into different supplements, etc. My T isn't high, but not low enough to treat, and my Dr isn't a fan of replacement therapy anyway. He did suggest a supplement, but the online reviews were mixed. I do still get morning erections some mornings, off and on, but they pretty much go away as soon as I stand up and walk to the toilet.

I am generally healthy - 41, body fat of 19%, eat an average diet and workout 3-4 times a week. No regular meds except I'm currently on 50K of Vit D once a week. Viagara works when I have taken it (rarely) but it can also be habit forming. I've tried "male response" which also does the job by leaves me feeling too jittery to sleep.

My kids are teens. My job is fairly high stress, but I need it to support the family. We keep pretty busy with the kids and their church activities and extended family and friends. DW and I go on a date night once a week, but it often ends without sex due to one of us being too tired. And we don't really get enough sleep, I think. The kids don't go to bed until late anymore, so if the wife and I want time alone, it happens pretty late - and since its summer, I have to wake up and leave for work before anyone else really wakes up. My doctor feels like the biggest problem is just stress and/or lack of confidence maybe. Once or twice my wife has stimulated me late at night while in bed ( usually this works) but due to other things on my mind or fatigue, it just hasn't happened or I wasn't able to get into it. I've offered to let her hump my leg or manually stimulate her, but she tells me verbally that its fine and we will try again later, but I know I've left her disappointed. And maybe less likely to try again the next time.

Conversely, the couple times I've gotten the hardest for the longest have been the few times where there is no traditional petting or initiation. Instead we had started wrestling in bed, laughing and pulling each others clothes off, then grabbing each other and trying to get the other to submit in a competitive manner. This can quickly devolve into a marathon intercourse session, leaving both of us fulfilled and exhausted. Though because of kids, noise, or reservations or whatever, we haven't tried this again.

Anyway - thoughts? Do I need more/different supplements more often or just less stress? And if so, how?
Last edited by ghostrider on Fri Jul 07, 2017 8:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16099
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Change in desire, some ED

Postby Leah » Fri Jul 07, 2017 8:56 am

Sounds like you have some hangups.

Speaking as an older woman, I would suggest that you take some time to think and pray about what you really want from your relationship. Eventually the body is going to fail, and once a woman's body goes away from her, there isn't a lot of getting it back without a lot of expensive trial and error.

Sex does more than just satisfy the body. It is for your emotional connection. It pleases God. Move toward your wife as much as possible.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

tjw
King bed
Posts: 577
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2016 3:34 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 17th, 2010
Gender: Male

Re: Change in desire, some ED

Postby tjw » Fri Jul 07, 2017 8:59 am

In my early 40s, I was pretty much like you. Still had "morning wood", and, the thought of sex produced an erection which wasn't as firm as it was in my teens, 20s and 30s, but still pretty "useable". Of course, I had no available partner, but I think I would have been able to complete.

What worries me about your sitch is that I didn't, at that time, know anything about my heart disease. I didn't find out until I was 54 and went into the hospital with chest pain. That hospital visit culminated in a triple bypass. I might have been able to avoid that and have a better life in my 60s than I currently do.

I didn't present to my doc looking for sexual improvements, and in retrospect, if I had, the doc would have probably ordered testing which would have shown up the "culprit" in my case.

ghostrider
King bed
Posts: 445
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 12:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 30th, 2000
Gender: Male

Re: Change in desire, some ED

Postby ghostrider » Fri Jul 07, 2017 9:09 am

tjw wrote:What worries me about your sitch is that I didn't, at that time, know anything about my heart disease. I didn't find out until I was 54 and went into the hospital with chest pain. That hospital visit culminated in a triple bypass. I might have been able to avoid that and have a better life in my 60s than I currently do.
.


How can it be avoided? Yes there is some heart disease in my family on dad's side. But I eat about as well as I reasonably should, I exercise, I've lost 17 lbs and am not at all overweight, and I visit the Dr. My cholesterol is genetically on the high side (my mom's is high too, but she is superthin, and its still high whether she eats vegan or red meats or low carb or otherwise). Also her heart is fine - her father has the same condition and he's 92 with a good heart, but little memory. My BP fluctuates between normal and 145/90. This could well be an issue, but is probably tied to my stress levels, right? Again, Dr doesn't want to medicate it bc of side effects, etc. What to do?

tjw
King bed
Posts: 577
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2016 3:34 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 17th, 2010
Gender: Male

Re: Change in desire, some ED

Postby tjw » Fri Jul 07, 2017 10:16 am

One way is to lower the cholesterol by taking statins or with natural means (grains, etc). You are doing good and the right things, but as you say, there is a genetic predisposition. My dad lived to be 83 and had heart disease, too. He died of a heart attack, it was his first one. My mother had it too. And, our memory is affected by vascular blockages just like every in other body organ. I have vascular dementia and find myself "slow".

Your BP is controllable through the use of medications, as well as over-the-counter supplements. High blood pressure is a contributor to plaque formation. I'm not a doctor, I don't want to give medical advice particularly when it conflicts with the advice of your doctor, but there's nothing wrong with a second opinion from a qualified practitioner. I'm guessing you may find that another doctor may think the benefits of medicating your cholesterol and blood pressure may outweigh the side effects. And, yes, your BP is definitely tied to your stress level.

I once got testosterone therapy for a case of psychological ED and it absolutely did help restore my sexual abilities. The doctor who treated me also prescribed niacin, an over-the-counter vasodilator. This was in the days before Viagra and similar drugs were available. I understand there is a link between low testosterone and atherosclerosis but this seems somewhat controversial.

On TMB, there are a few guys who have benefitted sexually from TRT who tested in the "normal" range. It seems this lab range is pretty wide and probably is not weighted demographically.

ghostrider
King bed
Posts: 445
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 12:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 30th, 2000
Gender: Male

Re: Change in desire, some ED

Postby ghostrider » Sat Jul 08, 2017 10:11 am

tjw wrote:
I once got testosterone therapy for a case of psychological ED and it absolutely did help restore my sexual abilities. The doctor who treated me also prescribed niacin, an over-the-counter vasodilator. This was in the days before Viagra and similar drugs were available. I understand there is a link between low testosterone and atherosclerosis but this seems somewhat controversial.


How did that go otherwise? How long did you stay on the therapy and what happened when you got off? I've read/heard that once you are on T its pretty much for life or you will crash. Were there any other side effects during or after stopping the therapy?

My Dr isn't against raising my T levels, but wants me to try it naturally, and I'm not yet sure which supplements are actually effective?

ghostrider
King bed
Posts: 445
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 12:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 30th, 2000
Gender: Male

Re: Change in desire, some ED

Postby ghostrider » Sat Jul 08, 2017 10:27 am

Leah wrote:Sounds like you have some hangups.

Speaking as an older woman, I would suggest that you take some time to think and pray about what you really want from your relationship. Eventually the body is going to fail, and once a woman's body goes away from her, there isn't a lot of getting it back without a lot of expensive trial and error.

Sex does more than just satisfy the body. It is for your emotional connection. It pleases God. Move toward your wife as much as possible.


Yes, I'm sure I do have hang-ups. I love my wife a lot, and we have grown closer and better as friends over the past 2 years, though not without some difficulties and growing pains.

Last night we did have sex - very late. Her brother has been in town the past week - everytime family is in town, our sex life seems to suffer (and if we go more than a week, I seem to get a little depressed and quit really wanting it - which is a catch-22 because the fix is sex...). I was very tired from a long day at work and also upset bc the night before she had promised to come home from her parents dinner at 9 and that we would make sex a priority. Instead,we stayed there past 10:30. I was too tired to start anything and just wanted to sleep. Anyway we got in bed at maybe 11:45 and she started fondling me while we watched netflix - and I got hard briefly, and then soft again. Then she tried something else - she wrapped her body around my leg and started humping and got herself to climax, and we started kissing and making out. It was really passionate, which got me going and we had great sex after that.

Today I feel better and kinda want to try again, but I still want to figure out this thing where I don't always stay hard on command. I'm not that old, and strength wise, I'm in the best shape of my life, so I don't think its time to accept this as an age related issue at 41 - especially if its likely to get worse by 45 or 50 if I don't figure it out?

tjw
King bed
Posts: 577
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2016 3:34 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 17th, 2010
Gender: Male

Re: Change in desire, some ED

Postby tjw » Sat Jul 08, 2017 10:40 am

It went ok, continued on it for about 3-4 months. The ED subsided and it seemed that the TRT helped me more to regain my confidence, that there was no underlying physical problem. I was 35 then. The doc didn't want to give it to me anymore if the plumbing worked. Stopping TRT didn't stop the erections, but then I could have erections even when I started the therapy, just not with W.

I didn't notice any side effects, except maybe my "drive" went lower when the therapy stopped. But this is hard to say. The ED had an emotional origin which occurred in the aftermath of my wife's affairs.... to be honest, when my performance abilities returned, I lost interest in her because of the verbal battering I took from her blaming me for her affairs. So I really can't say what part was due to stopping TRT and what part was due to self-protection.

I tried it again in my 50s for about 3 years. I was getting Testopel implants by a urologist. This time, I had a work-up by an endocrinologist which determined my T to be extremely low (107) and I was really hoping it would help me to get some physical strength back and to improve my overall outlook toward life. During this period I had an unwilling wife (widowed at 38 from adulterous wife and remarried) and it didn't matter about sexual performance. I achieved erections ok with or without the T. My level never got above 250 even with the implants and I didn't notice much change in anything. My W would break into tears if I tried to initiate sex, and I would go limp immediately.

I'm not familiar with the "supplement" approach to raising T. But I think there are some guys here who have tried it.

I sure agree that at 41, it's not an age-related thing. Especially with being in good shape, as you are. I think you have a superb chance to prolong your prowess well into retirement.


Return to “Lack of Desire”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users