Newlywed, zero desire

Low or no sex drive?
coconutcookie
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Date of your marriage (past or future): December 31st, 2016
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Newlywed, zero desire

Postby coconutcookie » Wed Aug 02, 2017 8:05 am

I have never posted anything here before, hope I found the right place.

I am a 21-year-old college student. My husband (who is 28) and I got married over 6 months ago. We have known each other for 5 years. We are both Christians and were not sexually active before marriage. Although the topic of sex was discussed a lot while we were dating, we never really had a "plan" about how to organize this part of our lives.

We would like to have many children, but at the moment we do not feel ready for children at all. We are both foreigners in our country of residence, meaning we don't have stable legal status at the moment, we have no place of our own, practically no support from family. My husband works tirelessly to save up for a house and I still have to finish university. We would probably not die of poverty if a baby was born at this time, so it's not the end of the world, but we would all have a mess of serious financial and immigration problems.

We both agree that we can't handle the responsibility of children for at least a couple of years for now. I have researched a lot on contraception, but hormonal contraception is out of the question for health reasons, barrier and natural family planning methods (fertility awareness) are too risky and unreliable.

Because of this since getting married, we have never had intercourse. I know it sounds weird. My husband enjoys oral sex and is completely happy with "just that" so far. The problem is that I am nowhere nearly interested in sex as he is. He also really enjoys rimming, which I personally always detested and still do. It took me forever to get over my disgust. While receiving oral can be pleasurable, I don't feel like I "need" or want it. I don't enjoy doing it at all. I know how important it is to my husband and how happy it makes him, and that's the only reason I engage in oral sex. He is extremely patient, self-controlled and I absolutely adore him. He is young, handsome and attractive. I just don't have much desire. I only do a little but it takes a looot of time and effort. But my lack of desire and interest understandably really frustrates him and strains our relationship.
I am usually able to please him a couple of times a week at best, but I know he desires and deserves more.

Oral sex makes my jaw hurt and makes me feel tired and gross. I can hardly make myself get to it, especially when we're so busy with a million other things in life. Even when we go away on vacation I still want to avoid it. We have somehow made it work so far but it's getting really frustrating for both of us. I want to please him but it is so hard, physically and mentally, to actually do it.

Is there a possible solution to this? I have nothing to propose, at all. I never thought it would be like this before marriage, I thought I would just learn to like it. But the more time passes, the more I find sex more a pain than a pleasure, which is really bad for my marriage.

Advice would be appreciated, thank you.

love2
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Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
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Re: RE: Newlywed, zero desire

Postby love2 » Wed Aug 02, 2017 9:04 am

Hi coconut cookie -

There are some good posts about oral sex on forgiven wife's website, see link:
https://forgivenwife.com/oral-blessings/

I am assuming that you are rimming him? If this is the case this is pretty good as it isn't an activity that couples typically do out of the gate. Most the time it takes the wife a very long time to overcome the disgust before they will try anything like this if they try at all. With that in mind - because you are also doing oral sex you should give yourself some credit instead of being so hard on yourself. You really are doing a lot to try to make things work.

One of the things you don't mention is if you have orgasmed, have you orgasmed through oral sex or manual sex with husband? If not, that could be why resentment is building because he is getting a 'happy ending' but you are getting very little out of the experience. If this is the case, I might suggest a vibrator or working more on getting you to have an orgasm through other stimulation (oral sex, rubbing the clitoris with well lubricated fingers, etc.) Sex should not be just for him but it should be for you too.

As for birth control, I have only ever used hormonal birth control and occasionally condoms so I cannot speak for a good birth control. Anal sex might be an idea but I feel like that is putting the cart before the horse as you have not had vaginal sex. Also, not every woman likes anal sex - it can be painful if you don't go very slow and use a lot of lubricant. Finally, although very rare, semen can leak from the anus into the vagina and cause pregnancy.

Keep us updated as things progress

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SLS
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Re: Newlywed, zero desire

Postby SLS » Wed Aug 02, 2017 9:13 am

First of all welcome to TMB coconutcookie. You have come to the right place to seek help for your marriage bed. I am on my phone at the moment so please forgive any grammer mistakes.

coconutcookie wrote:We would like to have many children, but at the moment we do not feel ready for children at all.


My wife and I are also not ready for children at the moment. We figure that we need to wait until both of us have finished grad school and are in a better financial situation.

We both agree that we can't handle the responsibility of children for at least a couple of years for now. I have researched a lot on contraception, but hormonal contraception is out of the question for health reasons, barrier and natural family planning methods (fertility awareness) are too risky and unreliable.


DW and I also decided against hormonal birth control given the health affects it had on her when she tried it out. I disagree that other methods are too unreliable. We use spermicide and condoms and have had intercourse many times without issue. If you are responsible with barrier methods the reliability is very close to hormonal BC.

Because of this since getting married, we have never had intercourse. snip


Letting fear of getting pregnant prevent you from having intercourse is a mistake. God has said that a man will leave his parents and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. You guys are missing out on a lot of pleasure and bonding. Intercourse is the ultimate act of joining a husband and wife together. There is nothing wrong with other sex acts but IC is the best of the bunch IMHO. Don't let fear control you.

Also there are a lot of other sex acts that you can engage in besides IC and OS. When DW is on her period we do a lot of manual stimulation. You can lay facedown on the bed and your husband can rub himself on your behind. You can stimulate your husband's penis with your hand. Your husband can stimulate your clitoris with his hands in many positions.

If you take nothing else away from this response please take this. Do not let fear destroy your marriage bed. Right now it is destroying your desire for sex. Both you and your husband need sexual fullfillment. Otherwise, resentment and upset feelings will grow and your entire marriage will suffer.

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MayDayGirl
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Re: Newlywed, zero desire

Postby MayDayGirl » Wed Aug 02, 2017 12:13 pm

Did you both agree, before marriage, to not have intercourse until you wanted children? I agree with SLS that condoms are very reliable. You could use them when you know you're not fertile, and then abstain during ovulation, if you want to be extra careful.

When you say you thought you'd like sex, did you mean intercourse, oral, or what? Did you feel aroused before marriage, but afterwards, found that you are just not into oral?


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