Romantic Getaways = Assured Letdown

Low or no sex drive?
goshgb
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Romantic Getaways = Assured Letdown

Postby goshgb » Thu Sep 07, 2017 7:34 pm

We've been married 8 1/2 years, 3 children, I (wife) have the HD...come to accept it and not to feel hurt by his lack of desire for me..

However As time goes on I have lost count of the times I have cried in my pillow from the confusion and hurt of not being wanted by him that night, when I thought for sure intention and sparks were in the air, and he snores beside me.

I can't tell you the times I dared to get my hopes up of the possibility of coming home or setting up a romantic atmosphere only to be greeting with a lively video game session "just give me 20 more minutes!" Or a cold shoulder from my clear intentions (when I try to tease, dress up, revealing clothing, he actually seems threatened and acts that way. I'm more likely to be wanted by him when it's complete random)

I have planned many a romantic getaway, trying to keep all pressure off but always feeling disappointed that he just wants to watch tv at the hotel after "getting it over with ". The last time we went away I actually got dressed and walked to the only open store just to walk through aimlessly so I wouldn't cry in front of him.

We've talked about this subject...it is like talking to a 12 year old, tries to get it, doesn't, doesn't care?

He has struggled on and off with "boredom " pornography but I don't think he's watching much anymore....but maybe. Who knows?
Maybe he is gay, that's easier to believe than that he simply is not attracted to me or in love with me anymore.

I'm just in despair tonight and need a spot to pour it out...

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OldMarriedLady
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Re: Romantic Getaways = Assured Letdown

Postby OldMarriedLady » Thu Sep 07, 2017 8:33 pm

Did you ever have him look into the possibility that he has low testosterone? In one of your older threads you mentioned that he had thought it might be a problem and would have it checked. If he's still watching porn (or has gone back to it), that will cause a low desire for "real" sex too.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

truthseekers
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Re: Romantic Getaways = Assured Letdown

Postby truthseekers » Fri Sep 08, 2017 9:54 am

I'm so sorry for your pain. May our dear Father in Heaven comfort your hurting heart. I've never been in your shoes, but have faced other great heartache. Through our deepest pain he opens our hearts for deeper infilling of Himself and deeper grace.
I don't know what has all been suggested to you, but would he be open to going to a "Weekend to Remember" conference? They are 1/2 price until the 18th of Sept. We've been to two and were greatly blessed. They have great sessions on intimacy about half way through the conference. Maybe it would lead to greater communication and open a door for further counseling. ~~his wife

Unfulfilled
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Re: Romantic Getaways = Assured Letdown

Postby Unfulfilled » Fri Sep 08, 2017 2:50 pm

Could be low T. Another possibility is stress. Depression. PTSD. Yet another of many possibilities is past childhood trauma, specifically sexual abuse. It is extremely commom for anyone who has abuse in their past to keep it secret for DECADES. And sex and intimacy in general is ome of THE most difficult things for a sexual abuse survivor.

I understand your pain. It is no fun to feel completely unwanted or even kissed or touched. Receiving chore or duty sex leaves a person completely empty inside. Unfortunately I have "been there and done that!"

goshgb
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Re: Romantic Getaways = Assured Letdown

Postby goshgb » Sun Sep 10, 2017 8:35 pm

Sometimes I wonder if there is some trauma in his past. He's had lots of opportunities to let it out, but maybe he's blocked it to the point he doesn't think about it?
Again, I feel like I'm married to a 12 year old in many ways.
He compliments himself way more than looking at me. Loves his video game and guy time with friends.
Turns out the light before sex ( tonight was the 1st time in 2 weeks, and. Not that I wasn't available)
And although he does do what it takes to satisfy me and him sexually, seems to have zero interest in my body in terms of enjoying and wanting it.

As a person he is a straightforward, live in the moment and avoid intimacy kinda guy...if he WAS gay...would I know..?
Thank you all for your compassion. That is what I need most of all.
If it's a low t issue, would solving it just make him want sex more but not necessarily me?

Also I'm in Ontario and haven't heard of this conference but will check it out...

Thank you for your prayers.

tjw
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Re: Romantic Getaways = Assured Letdown

Postby tjw » Mon Sep 11, 2017 7:56 am

goshgb wrote:Sometimes I wonder if there is some trauma in his past. He's had lots of opportunities to let it out, but maybe he's blocked it to the point he doesn't think about it?


This is all plausible and I think the documentation supports the "blocking" of painful memories. The medical doc is a good place to begin if he's willing.
It may be less threatening than going to a counselor if there is any repression.

goshgb wrote:...if he WAS gay...would I know..?


A clinical psychologist I served with in the mission field once told me that the "gay" lifestyle choice was heavily influenced by the first sexual experiences someone has. If he does have homosexual tendencies, he may hide them quite effectively. But I don't think this assumption is warranted based upon what you have posted. I would ask you to approach the problem as why he is sexually inhibited.

I wouldn't worry too much about him wanting someone other than you. He chose to marry you. The most likely reason is that he felt attraction for you and felt that he could trust you. If his problem is solved, I think it will draw him toward you, and not away.


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