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Decreased desire. He does not initiate

Posted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 4:28 pm
by Hssweethrts2
My 1st post: Been married for almost 25 years. Married my HSSH. He used to be the initiator, and for years, he would have to beg. I hate I ever said no as often as I did. BC now, the tables have turned and I want it, and he never wants it. He knows something is biologically is going on, he is 45 I am 43. We talked about it last night. I told him I want him back. He won't let me stroke him, touch him, nothing. Its been 7 months. M is my only release. But i dont want M. I want my DH. He knows there is a to do we get to the fixing..either T levels, change of meds, etc? He doesn't really want to engage in the conversation. Again, I miss my husband. It's not about the sex. It's about the intimacy.

Re: Decreased desire. He does not initiate

Posted: Tue Sep 12, 2017 5:40 pm
by Hssweethrts2
To add: No porn and no increased M on his part. He's aware it's age/med combo.

Re: Decreased desire. He does not initiate

Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 7:35 am
by Hoosier52
Defy Medical is the place to have him checked on his hormone levels and TRT. I've been with them for a year. They have 10,000 patients and can treat both men and women in all 50 states. MY wife is also a patient. If you tell him you want to get checked, it may motivate him to get checked, too.

TRT is about more than sex, it's also about eliminating brain fog, more energy, pushing away depression, increasing bone, heart and prostate health. There is no cost to call and talk to them. Very nice and professional people.

Re:Decreasd Desire. He does not initiate

Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 2:41 pm
by Hssweethrts2
We talked today, while he was distracted on the computer. We have spoken face to face, but wanted to mention it again without nagging. He said he knew he had a low T problem. Had actually been given some sort of black tea capsules (?) last year from the acupuncturist. But has run out. Any idea where I can get these? He felt like they helped.
We actually laughed at how I am the one keeping up with the "sex calendar" like he used to early in our marriage. We also discussed him at least giving me a release like I used to give him. He is a GREAT husband and GREAT to me in TMB, but this role reversal is really, really getting to me.

Re: Decreased desire. He does not initiate

Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2017 9:11 am
by be64
What medications does he take? Certain medications are very hard on sex drive and performance. Does he have erectile dysfunction? Another thing that causes men to avoid sex.

If there is not a medication issue then I'd say that low T is a definite possibility, along with high estradiol. I don't believe there is anything over the counter that will boost testosterone significantly. Usually if you are low T then what you need is testosterone. I faced a similar situation in my mid forties. Now at 52 I want sex more than ever and it's better than ever as well.

The hardest part is finding a good doctor. You could try Defy Medical as suggested. I have never dealt with them. Otherwise ask around about good TRT doctors in your area. One place to start is to ask pharmacists who it is that prescribes a lot of testosterone. However I would suggest that the best method of testosterone is self injection. Creams and gels are messy and not always effective. A good place to get testosterone replacement information is at the following location. ... lth-hrt.2/

Here is a good document to read.

Re: Decreased desire. He does not initiate

Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:19 am
by Hssweethrts2
Wife here. I want to know when the tables are turned and its my DH who has no desire( even when we have talked about changing antidepressants) and just won't even acknowledge the sexy panties, me walking around naked. Nothing. I don't get it. No porn. Just says "things don't work right anymore, I love you and you are just beautiful, I just don't have any desire"
Willing to "take care of me", but it's so much more than that. How in the world do I get him to the Dr and get things checked out and changed? I cant make him.
Last resort. Married 25 years this year. Having a photo shoot of me to give to him. Hoping a constant visual reminder may help, but I am not counting on it. So rejected. Miss my husband so bad.

Re: Decreased desire. He does not initiate

Posted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 1:42 pm
by SeekingChange
This is more about a heart issue than a physical issue.... how would you describe your husband's walk with the Lord? Is he one who will listen and heed the conviction of the Holy Spirit? Does he have spiritual men in his life, who can speak to him about his role and call as a husband, and that includes sexually?

I think it's time for you to consider, if you have already not done so, to go to a spiritual mentor or pastor and talk to them. If your husband has an accountability partner, he may be a good one to consider. Your husband needs to be confronted and called out on his heart condition as a husband.

I am not in the exact place you are, but in a similar place.... sadly, it took a scare that my husband might lose me for him to actually see the seriousness of him needing to change his game. He saw it through my own desperation, but he also then had a spiritual mentor/elder, call him out on what he has not been doing and what he needs to be doing. The spiritual mentor/elder only knew what was going on, because I was willing to seek prayer/help for myself, and then he knew he needed to step in and do what he could.

When your husband has the heart desire to love you, to cherish you, and to take care of you, he will then do what he needs to do to take care of himself physically.

I am praying that the Lord will give you wisdom on what to do, and that He will go before you, preparing those He wants to use and your husband's heart for the conviction and the change that needs to come.

Re: Decreased desire. He does not initiate

Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2018 8:16 pm
by Hssweethrts2
Things are better! Between a couple of good weeks of ML and talking about things, meds are going to be changed, communication is better and my goal is for him to realize what he has been missing. Me. Not just the sex. But the whole part of touch, love and security in each other. I will continue to pray that it gets better. But the last few weeks have been better. Much better.

Re: Decreased desire. He does not initiate

Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2018 8:34 pm
by poetess
Wait, I'm confused. Three days ago you were feeling "rejected" and "last resort" and posting all sorts of negative things about the state of your love life, and now you report it has been good for several weeks now? Were you posting on a day you "felt" down and now you "feel" up?

Re: Decreased desire. He does not initiate

Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2018 9:13 pm
by Hssweethrts2
No. Not at all. This week alone has been much improved. We both have been able to communicate, prayed and been together. With prayers and communication we have jumped huge hurdles. Now, will it last? Time will tell. But based on how this week has gone, compared to months of nothing, it feels like things are looking up. With changes to meds, and us talking and actually listening, I feel like my husband, all of him, is coming back to me. He said he didn't realize the hurt. He didn't know that it was such a big deal. But I learned from this more,too. I learned rejection is hard on a spouse. I learned to not be one who jokes about "him always wanting it", like I used to in the past. God has opened my eyes and taught me a valuable lesson. My husband is important. All of him. And I am important to him. We are important to each other. I pray this is the beginning of a recharge in our marriage. We have laughed more this week and he actually turned and held me one night in bed. I will never look at our marriage the same. I am going to keep praying, and talking to my sisters in Christ, who have been so good at also encouraging me what to say and do to possibly change his mind. In fact, it was an older sweet Christian sister who I confided in, who told me,"just jump in the shower with him!" who helped me to get the confidence to do just that. Now, to keep things fun, exciting and good for both of us! One week down, hopefully a ton more to follow.
So sorry if I gave the wrong impression. It's hard to convey everything in a concise manner. My apologies.