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Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Posted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 12:36 pm
by ineedamocha
Hello there! I'm a 29 y/o lady, almost 30, and my DH (husband) and I have been married a little over 2 years now. I am experiencing a lack of sexual desire, and after some discussion, I've found that it is taking a greater toll on my DH than I initially thought. My heart was broken when, with my DH's helpful communication, I found that I am hurting him by simply not wanting sex. Please let me clarify that while I don't have any desire for it, I still have a desire to make sure that my DH is sexually fulfilled, so I try to make sure that we have sex AT LEAST once a week, but I try to aim for at least twice. However, he has said in a nutshell that simply being available for sex is not enough. I'm not into it, and that is what is effecting him. He wants me to be into it--he wants to be wanted. He says that he's having sex, but I'm not having sex back, if that makes any sense. I've never really had a strong sex drive, so it's a challenge for me to be into it.

BUT, I'm here to do something about it because my husband and I are committed to each other and to the Lord. Thus, I'm committed to making sure that the sexual side of our marriage gets healthier. I'm trying to be proactive about it and am here to ask for practical advice--specific things I can try in order to increase my own sexual desire. I want to care for my DH's heart and his psyche by increasing my own sexual desire but simply don't know how other than prayer (which is, of course, imperative). I have never faked it and refuse to do so. I want give my husband something genuine! So, if anyone has any tips and suggestions, please share. Thank you all for your time!

Re: Seeking Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Posted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 12:38 pm
by Drob
Communication is the key. Both of you have to be honest and open with each other.

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Re: Seeking Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Posted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 12:48 pm
by Job29Man
Welcome to TMB! I hope you find the answers you are looking for! :D

Some people look at mental or spiritual things first.
As a longtime athlete and health enthusiast who has seen amazing results in people with attention to the physical aspect, that's where I often inquire first.

What is your height and weight?
What kind of food do you eat?
What is your activity level?
Do you do some activity that makes you sweat and breathe hard for at least 20 minutes continuously? (not including sex)
How often, how much?
Do you take any medications whatsoever? What are they?
Do you have any chronic disease, injury or condition?
Do you eat prepared or prepackaged food, or drink fruit juice or soft drinks of any kind? How much?
Are you on any kind of hormone treatments at all, including contraception?

Re: Seeking Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Posted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 3:30 pm
by ineedamocha
My goodness, thank you all for your quick responses!!!! :) I'm so encouraged by them! I really appreciate all of the input so far. In the Lack of Desire section, I've already read a lot of stuff that I can relate to as well as things I've been hearing my husband say.

Re: Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Posted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 5:03 pm
by love2
I see two separate things here:
1. Your level of engagement during sex and;
2.Your need for physical release

It is possible to be engaged during sex even when you don't feel a need for physical release (orgasm).
This will look like telling husband during sex what you are enjoying such as:
I love when you touch my xx.
Your breathe feels so good on xx.
I love feeling you close to me, etc.

You aren't faking it but you are are pointing out what you are enjoying about the sex session. By doing so, you are more engaged.

The second part of this is your need for physical release, how frequently are you orgasming?

It is fairly normal for a woman to only have the physical desire for an orgasm once a week but this shouldn't prevent you from being able to engage in sex in the way I have described.

I would encourage husband to not measure the quality of sex based on you wanting to or achieving orgasm. Sex can still be enjoyable for you even if you don't orgasm.

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Re: Seeking Practical Advice: How Do I Increase Desire?

Posted: Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:59 am
by poetess
Also, do you enjoy sex once you get into it? Many women have what we call on here "responsive desire." You might not think about sex a lot on your own, but once you begin sex, you get aroused, and then you enjoy it. Men are different, and men and women both tend to expect female sexuality to operate like a man's.