Feel hopeless

Low or no sex drive?
User avatar
twoinlove
King bed
Posts: 708
Joined: Sun May 11, 2008 12:07 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 26th, 1993
Gender: Female

Feel hopeless

Postby twoinlove » Tue Oct 17, 2017 12:49 am

Years ago I joined TheMarriageBed. It was a godsend! I had an amazing awakening and things were great! But in the last few years life has taken its toll on me. I've had to learn to find a new identity. My husband and kids completely flipped out. Long story short, the new me is well...new. I'm not so much of a pushover and have found my voice. This has been hard for my husband to handle but all in all he says he is happy. But this has trickled down to our sex life as well. And maybe it's not all emotional either. I am 43 and I know I am in perimenopause. I struggle to sleep (hence why this is being typed up at 3am!) I have older kids that are a drain as well as younger ones still in the house. I try to make sure I am always available for my husband sexually but it is hard for me to keep up. He would prefer we do everyday and that is sometimes tough for him. But my drive has only slowed and his obviously hasn't! I'm tired of being so frustrated with things but he'd rather jump in bed than listen to me. His insecurities are a turn off. And I quite frankly don't have the time to put up with them anymore. I just don't know what to do.

About a month ago, I was put on a medication that meant no sex for 9 days! Oh..he got plenty of hand jobs. And oddly it turned me on. Even though I was very angry about it. At around day 6 0r 7 we were really getting into some hot and heavy foreplay. I truly couldn't take it anymore. We had already tried me masturbating which resulted in a build up but then nothing. I started thinking about AS. He suggested it but up until then it was pretty much off the table since the couple of attempts before went horribly! I agreed and it was amazing! I keep trying to figure out what was so different that week. The only thing I can come up with is that he actually took the time to give me much needed non-sexual touching. But again, it is so frustrating because we have had that conversation over and over again but he always forgets. ANd even though he was so surprised by how that night went he still will only go straight to my [genitals] and gets frustrated when I am not ready! I don't know how to handle it. I'm tired of asking. I;m tired of trying to remind him. I'm tired of being made to feel like I am a huge disappointment to him.
I am my Beloveds

love2
King bed
Posts: 380
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:33 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
Gender: Female

Re: Feel hopeless

Postby love2 » Tue Oct 17, 2017 2:35 am

AS/AP absolutely does require foreplay for have it be enjoyable. If you've changed then this will be part of your boundaries.

I will frequently do PIV and AS with no foreplay. With AS I take a deep breath in to prevent clenching my muscles and even then occasionally it will still hurt. Because I can pull this off, if I am needing foreplay I have to specifically discuss it otherwise it is assumed I DO NOT need foreplay.

Generally we have a discussion before sex and run down what we are planning on doing (OS me, him or both, PIV, AS, etc. We also go.over how long we are thinking the sex session will be, etc.).

AS/AP is not an area where you just expect your partner to know what to do automatically.

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk

User avatar
Job29Man
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 8415
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2006 3:52 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 2nd, 1980
Gender: Male
Location: Hobby Farm, USA

Re: Feel hopeless

Postby Job29Man » Tue Oct 17, 2017 4:33 am

twoinlove wrote:ANd even though he was so surprised by how that night went he still will only go straight to my [genitals] and gets frustrated when I am not ready! I don't know how to handle it. I'm tired of asking. I'm tired of trying to remind him. I'm tired of being made to feel like I am a huge disappointment to him.


Tell him this, "Husband, I'm older than when we first married and my body was ready at the drop of a hat. Now my body is going into perimenopause, which neither of us have any experience with. Here's what I need. I need about 20 minutes of foreplay from now on, before sex (or word it however you need). This is not a request, it's not a demand, it's not a wish, it's a need. I NEED about 20 minutes first. Sometimes less, sometimes more, I'll let you know. If you handle this well, without complaining or making me feel like a disappointment to you, then I trust we'll continue to have good sex. At this point I'm not saying we need to cut back on sex, just make it last longer in foreplay. Job's wife Sarah just finished going through menopause and she needed lots more preparation too, and they still have lots of sex. He says it is a reasonable expectation of Sarah, with which he's happy to comply. He says the key to success is all in the husband's cooperation and happy attitude. If you need some confirmation of this, ask Job."
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

User avatar
twoinlove
King bed
Posts: 708
Joined: Sun May 11, 2008 12:07 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 26th, 1993
Gender: Female

Re: Feel hopeless

Postby twoinlove » Tue Oct 17, 2017 8:30 pm

It's not that he's not more than happy to give me foreplay. He just forgets. And our life doesn't exactly help with that. 2015 was an extremely rough year for both of us but for me it drudged up some past triggers. And I don't know. Maybe it is the perimenopause thing. Maybe it's that I recently learned something very important about myself that has changed darn near everything! But my husband, though he has had his moments and it's been difficult for him, he's been amazing! He's constantly trying to learn more about me to better understand me. And reminding me of the stuff we have learned. Whatever it is, I just struggle to empty from my mind what is going, the kids running around, etc. I am doing everything I can think of to boost me sex drive, even taking "sex" vitamins!

We are currently getting our house ready to sell and on thing that is not optional is having a master bedroom/bathroom! I feel like I do the walk of shame everytime we have sex and I have to go past the kids's rooms to the bathroom :oops: ! But in the meantime I want to make things better! If anyone has any advice on how I can boost my desire I am all ears!!!!
I am my Beloveds

love2
King bed
Posts: 380
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:33 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
Gender: Female

Re: RE: Re: Feel hopeless

Postby love2 » Tue Oct 17, 2017 9:00 pm

What helps you de-stress and how can you get husband to help with this?
He watches the kids while you take a bath or maybe he gives you a message? He watches the kids while you go out with friends? Self-care is really important and we often forget about it when we are taking care of others

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk

Unfulfilled
Hammock
Posts: 1223
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 3:08 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 5th, 1989
Gender: Male

Re: Feel hopeless

Postby Unfulfilled » Wed Oct 18, 2017 10:58 am

Why do you call it “the walk of shame” after you have sex? What is shameful? Why would you feel
Shame?

I’m just trying to understand.

User avatar
twoinlove
King bed
Posts: 708
Joined: Sun May 11, 2008 12:07 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 26th, 1993
Gender: Female

Re: Feel hopeless

Postby twoinlove » Sun Oct 22, 2017 9:33 pm

I call it the walk of shame because I don't know how to handle having to pass by the kids's rooms and hear "Hi, mom." when I''m just trying to get to the bathroom to clean up. Especially those times when you just know you were a little too loud!

I'm struggling to find ways to de-stress but it's difficult. My husband does try to help. Sadly he's half my burden. He doesn't mean to be but he is. And he knows it..and tries not to be. But he is obsessed with me and never wants to be without me. So between him and the kids, alone time for me is rare. I've lately been trying to think outside the box and also make myself get some time away and try not to feel guilty!
I am my Beloveds

love2
King bed
Posts: 380
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:33 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
Gender: Female

Re: Feel hopeless

Postby love2 » Sun Oct 22, 2017 11:11 pm

If husband wants more sex he has to make changes such as more foreplay and helping you relax. Also, if he is mean no sex that night is a perfectly acceptable consequence to his terrible behavior. Be sure to let him know that this is a boundary that he must be nice if he is expecting sex that night. He cannot expect you to change without making changes of his own.

The kids - if you are seeing them later at night I dont think it's unreasonable to tell them you don't want to talk because it's late. Or maybe smile but not verbally respond back and they will get that you don't want to talk to them.

That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk


Return to “Lack of Desire”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users