Help!

Low or no sex drive?
Kel
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Help!

Postby Kel » Sun Oct 22, 2017 4:37 pm

One of us has a high sex drive, the other has a low one. Need advice on how to find a balance for us both!

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SLS
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Re: Help!

Postby SLS » Sun Oct 22, 2017 6:08 pm

Hey Kel,

First of all let me tell you that you and your husband are not alone. Most marriages contain a higher drive spouse and a lower drive spouse. As long as a couple is generous and loving towards one another it isn't a problem.

In general, men and women have very different sex drives. Men tend to desire sex and arousal follows. For women, desire is triggered by arousal. You might think you have a "low drive" because you don't desire sex often when in fact it is just a normal reflection of a woman's sexuality. (https://site.themarriagebed.com/biology ... e-arousal/)

Do you and your husband have a specific issue you would like to resolve like frequency of lovemaking or being more engaged in the marriage bed?

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Re: Help!

Postby George B. » Sun Oct 29, 2017 6:26 am

this is very common among couples, though not often addressed. Movies and TV and books make it seem like all couples should be evenly matched, but that's really not the case in real life. There are ways, if both in a couple are willing, to help with this issue and make for a happy marriage. Trust me, lots of couples here on the boards have this issue. You are far from alone. Since you're posting here on TMB, I'm going to guess that you're the high drive partner in your marriage?
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

hotrod
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Re: Help!

Postby hotrod » Sun Oct 29, 2017 7:16 am

Unfulfilled shared this on another thread "Reminded me of a Woody Allen movie where it was showing clips of both husband and wife talking individually with a therapist. First Woody is seen saying "they HARDLY EVER have sex, only like twice a week." Then they show the wife saying "we have sex ALL THE TIME, like twice a week."

Makes me laugh, except that is exactly the situation with DW and I.

It's about perspective!

Kel
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Re: Help!

Postby Kel » Sun Oct 29, 2017 11:38 am

Yes, I'm the one with the high sex drive! I almost feel there absolutely no interest on the other side. I will admit during the week, I am in bed by 7:30-8, because I get up way early for work. But there's always the weekends! I would give up sleep for more action in the bedroom, way worth it and yes, I've expressed this!

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Job29Man
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Re: Help!

Postby Job29Man » Sun Oct 29, 2017 12:01 pm

Kel,

You'll want to read around the forum for the many conversations that have been had in that regard. In summary though, it's all about
1. talking it out and
2. coming to agreements and
3.keeping those agreements.

If a couple cannot do all three of those simple things, then it gets pretty difficult. :(
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

Kel
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Re: Help!

Postby Kel » Wed Feb 07, 2018 9:08 pm

What is the longest you have gone without sexual relations?

Twue_Wuv
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Re: Help!

Postby Twue_Wuv » Thu Feb 08, 2018 6:12 am

5-6 weeks after DW giving birth per doctor's orders. We usually don't make it the entire prescribed time.

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Re: Help!

Postby doug-h » Thu Feb 08, 2018 6:34 am

Kel wrote:What is the longest you have gone without sexual relations?


I'm not sure your question is so much about what others have been thru, as it is a reflection of what you are struggling with.

For much of our marriage, there were long breaks. The longest was a year, but there were many times that it was 2 or 3 months. For a long time that was the norm. It has been much better for a couple of years, but circumstance has really got in the way this year.

Doubt if that provides much comfort, so I will just pray for you and your husband that ot gets better.

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Job29Man
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Re: Help!

Postby Job29Man » Thu Feb 08, 2018 7:46 am

Kel,

I agree with Doug. You don't want to turn this thread into a discussion of how long people have gone without sex. Your real question, I think, is "how long is normal? What is a reasonable expectation of how often *we* should have sex?" Am I right?
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

Kel
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Re: Help!

Postby Kel » Fri Feb 09, 2018 7:11 am

Yes, y'all are correct! I'm so sorry I wasn't clear with my question. Thank you!

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Job29Man
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Re: Help!

Postby Job29Man » Fri Feb 09, 2018 2:42 pm

You were married in 1990. I'm gonna assume you are 30-45 years old, and both in decent health.

My answer would be that it is normal and healthy and very common to expect sex more than once a week. I think averages would be around twice a week. Once a week would be "normal" but low IMO. And 1-2x/month would be very low, odd. For reference some sex researchers consider PIV 10x/year or less to be essentially "celibate" marriages.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

slowandsteady
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Re: Help!

Postby slowandsteady » Sat Feb 10, 2018 5:02 pm

Job29Man wrote:You were married in 1990. I'm gonna assume you are 30-45 years old, and both in decent health.

I'd probably scale that up a notch. Married in 90 probably means 45+

But otherwise, without any physical issues, I would think 1+ time per week is by no means unreasonable.

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Re: Help!

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sat Feb 10, 2018 5:07 pm

Yes, 1990 was 28 years ago. :shock: Married at age 18 would make someone 46 years old.
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Job29Man
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Re: Help!

Postby Job29Man » Sat Feb 10, 2018 5:18 pm

Looks like I didn't calculate that too well! :lol: :oops:
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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poetess
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Re: Help!

Postby poetess » Sat Feb 10, 2018 9:58 pm

Can't trust anyone over 30 (to do math). :) Why does it make me feel old all of a sudden to see 1990 that many years in the rearview mirror? I was already an adult, and that shouldn't be that many years ago . . .
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

Kel
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Re: Help!

Postby Kel » Sun Feb 11, 2018 7:57 am

I'll take that math, lol. Actually, I'm 47. I am more than okay with my age. Age truly is just a number. God has me here on His "time table". Yes, I was married at 18, two months from my 19th birthday.


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