Wife has no desire, but always an excuse

Low or no sex drive?
MountainLover
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Wife has no desire, but always an excuse

Postby MountainLover » Wed Nov 08, 2017 2:00 pm

Hello.

I know this board for a long time and have red a lot of posts tying to find a solution, but I'm finally posting, as I don't find any suitable answer to my concern. First of, English is not my mother tongue, so thank you for excusing any grammar or word-usage mistake (and don't hesitate to correct me :)

I'm 45 and my wife is 43. We've been married for 17 years. We knew each other since we were kids, then we lost track of each other and got back in contact in our 20s. My wife became a Christian at this time and she led me to Christ. We got married 3 years later. We grew up (spirtitually) in a very conservative church that was preaching a strict no-touch-love policy - not even holding hands or a kiss - during our engagement, and we more-or-less respected that. When we got married, we actually had to start from scratch, and we had to "force ourself" in those basic marks of love. Even today, holding hands in public is not natural to us.

From the start, our sexual life has always been difficult; as newly weds, we had to learn everything (boards such as TMB helped us a lot). But still, there has always been a reason for my wife to withdraw from having sex. At first, I had difficulties to have her climax, then we were both back to higher education and she was very tired, then 4 years into our marriage we had our first child and she was not willing to have sex for almost 6 months, being very tired and having no desire to even be touched. And it went on and on; we have now 2 children aged 12 and 14 and there are still reasons for not having sex.

One after another, we managed to cut the reason why she was not in the mood; for exemple, I discovered that she was very much arroused with oral sex, so I basically do that on her until she climaxes and then we have intercourse. At a certain point, she was taking some medication that proved to decrease her libido, and we got rid of it. When she was very tired because of the kids, I helped her a lot, etc. But each time, there's a new reason why she's not willing. The last one is the fact that she feels that I'm not taking my spiritual responsabilites enough in our family, so as long as I won't make any effort, she won't make any either. Today, we might have sex about once or twice a month, sometimes not for 6 to 8 weeks. Most of the time, we have sex because I beg her. Most of the time her answer is "not tonight I'm tired, tomorrow", but tomorrow never comes... On rare occasions, she feels that I need it, so she seems to force herself, or simply gives me manual sex, which releases some physical pressure, but is way not enough compare to the intimacy I'd like to have with her.

We deeply love and respect each other and I'd say that appart from that, we have a great relationship. We talk a lot and very openly on many topics. We're both in good shape, are funny and many people envy our couple and our family as a whole. But I'm not satisfied with our intimate life. Each time I'm trying to talk about it, we end up both frustrated; she feels accused and that she has to do all the effort, and I feel that she's not showing any love to me. Sometimes, I feel like we're 2 very good friends living in the same house, nothing more, and I'm very sad about it.

I'm taking any advise on that.

God bless you all.

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SeekingChange
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Re: Wife has no desire, but always an excuse

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Nov 08, 2017 3:12 pm

Welcome! This actually sounds like a very common issue we see with husband's who visit the boards. Have your checked out the "Sexually Refused" forum on here? That's where you will read a lot of men's stories, and some women's.

As a former sexual refuser, I will say that it sounds like your wife has a heart issue. No matter what you do, you will not hit her ever moving target. There's a lot of resources out there that could help her educate herself about a man's/husband's needs, and even her own needs, and that knowledge and understanding can transform a marriage, but until she has a heart for it, she will be blind to it, as I was.

If you aren't praying specifically for the Holy Spirit to pierce her heart with conviction, I would suggest you start there. I am praying that for her right now and that the Lord will guide you to exactly what you need for your situation.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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MountainLover
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Re: Wife has no desire, but always an excuse

Postby MountainLover » Thu Nov 09, 2017 4:02 am

Deer SeekingChange. Thank you for your advises that I'll follow. My only concern is that I cannot force her to change, or even force her to read the ressources. It would be easier if I could do something on my own that would trigger some change in her. I guess praying specifically as you mention would be the start.

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Job29Man
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Re: Wife has no desire, but always an excuse

Postby Job29Man » Thu Nov 09, 2017 6:34 am

MountainLover wrote:..."not tonight I'm tired, tomorrow", but tomorrow never comes...
...We deeply love and respect each other
...we have a great relationship.
... she feels accused
... I feel that she's not showing any love to me.


I'd agree. The behavior you describe is not loving; she's not showing you love.
Why would she feel accused for being told that she is falling short in the sexual department. It's a fact; she is not living up to the marriage relationship obligations. People have no legitimate cause to "feel accused" when they fail in their obligations.

MountainLover wrote: Sometimes, I feel like we're 2 very good friends living in the same house, nothing more, and I'm very sad about it.

You have every right to feel sad about it, and you do not need to feel guilty about letting her know that she is not acting in a loving way.

I would keep the need and critique active, in the most honest and gentle way you can, but don't lose the message.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Elevation
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Re: Wife has no desire, but always an excuse

Postby Elevation » Thu Nov 09, 2017 11:23 am

I saw this post from J. Parker on Twitter:

http://hotholyhumorous.com/2017/11/qa-w ... ge-part-3/

She has a 3-part series...maybe this may help?

The series is found here: http://hotholyhumorous.com/2016/06/qa-w ... -marriage/

MountainLover
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Re: Wife has no desire, but always an excuse

Postby MountainLover » Thu Nov 09, 2017 2:34 pm

Thank you all for your replies. I have a lot to read now :)


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