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Healthy Boundaries?

Addiction, fantasy, habitual masturbation ...
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Posts: 2046
Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2020 6:16 pm
Location: North America

Re: Healthy Boundaries?

Post by Link+Zelda »


Let me first say  how deeply sorry I am for you and your husband's situation. I am sure you are a wreck right now and completely despondent.

However, I will reassure you that putting your foot down, and doing so hard and fast, is the right thing to do. What your husband appears to have is a disease, even if many would object to that word. I have walked down that road, not nearly as far as your husband it seems, but I have walked it nonetheless. I tried to fight it by willpower alone for over a decade, but it wasn't until I outed myself to my DW that I was broken enough to seriously fix things. That said, I've been free of it for long enough and run into enough temptations to know that it will always be a battle.

"Going soft" on your husband will not help. It is not the loving thing in this case. He needs real accountability and real, qualified help. Sweeping it under the rug is not the solution. And I'll say one thing that some here may disagree with--if he has been doing things that are illegal (child porn, videos of rape, etc), then he should be turned in to the authorities. That kind of material is not easily found by something like a Google search (full disclosure: my problem never got that deep i.e. outside of mainstream porn). Turning him in will not only help him (in the long run, which will be a rocky road for sure), but may help track down the purveyors of those sorts of material to help real people in horrible situations. The leaders at your church will need to know so that he's never given an opportunity to be in a situation where he might do something wrong. For instance, I recently found out that over a decade ago someone in my church had a horrible porn problem including child porn, at least one pastor knew, but it was swept under the rug and that person was allowed to serve in children's ministry. No incidents happened (to my knowledge), but it seriously shook me to find that out.

Long story short--find real help, turn him into legal authorities if applicable, protect yourself, pray pray pray, and prepare for a long road ahead. Again, I am so sorry this has happened to you, but the abuse and addiction need to stop and playing it as a minor thing will not help.

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Re: Healthy Boundaries?

Post by sd595 »

I will be praying for you Wren that God will give you both wisdom and strength.

I feel like the Spirit is telling me to encourage you that you truly have a Godly heart.  For you to still be concerned about the hardship your husband has brought upon himself after what you have endured is an amazing testimony of inner strength of truly being Christlike.

I hope that your husband gets the help he needs to put this darkness out of him and repent and is healed.  Sadly his sin has hurt you so much, but you can't take it on or fix it - this is his battle and his responsibility to bear, not yours.  Is there one brother in his tight knit group that he can confess to and become accountable to?  It sounds like he needs both that and therapy.

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Under the stars
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Re: Healthy Boundaries?

Post by newwifenewlife »

Wren, call NEW LIFE LIVE...FOCUS ON THE FAMILY or MARRIAGE TODAY. Any of the these places should be able to direct you towards Christian help and offer you encouragement and support.
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California King
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Re: Healthy Boundaries?

Post by DoveGrey »

Wren, I am so pleased you have a therapist. This is a very difficult journey, and it helps to have someone who knows what this process entails. Always remember that you absolutely are doing the right thing, and that God will give you the strength you need to get through this. You're doing this for a healthy life for you and your children. Remind yourself of that when it gets tough.

I would contact your local domestic violence center to ask what resources they have. It sounds like you might be able to go on disability. They can help with that and other legal issues that might arise.

I agree with the others. Call the police if he has done anything illegal, especially child porn. First, to protect the victims, and second to protect yourself if anything is found on your computer.

I would also advise caution in choosing which friends you tell about this. If he is indeed a covert narcissist, the risk that others will not believe you is high. It's horrible that our world is like that, but it is. We see what we want to see, and being forced to confront reality is too challenging sometimes.

Choose people who spend more time with you, rather than him. Choose your side of the family, not his. Ideally, you want people who knew you before his abuse started affecting you. They often will have already perceived that something was wrong. You also want people who have been through similar situations or who know people who have been through it. They aren't always easy to spot, but they tend to be more empathetic.

And I repeat, God has you in his arms. Things like this can challenge our faith, but we are promised that He will work all things for the good. Even this.

I will keep praying for you.
Wife of 21 years
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