Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby doug-h » Wed May 10, 2017 8:49 pm

It's up to you, of course, but I would keep trying.

I've never seen this thread before, and I am sorry you struggle so. Still, it was a blessing to me to know that I am not so alone with fear.

I know how hard it can be. It seems the more I work on the symptoms of my anxieties, the more clear it is that most of what I have accomplished is little more than behavioral modification, and my fears have hardly subsided, if they have at all.

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby tjw » Thu May 11, 2017 3:36 am

I had never seen this thread either, and wanted you to know that I, also, have no victory over self-loathing, and have accomplished little more than behavioral modification over my 65 years. I fully understand that I will most likely die with a broken heart and never be able to be proud of myself for anything.

I fully empathize with you and am so sorry that life must be this way for some of us. I've learned that it has quite a lot to do with our temperament. But have no idea whatsoever how to "solve" the problem. I tried counseling, thank God, I didn't waste a lot of my time or money on that. I was fortunate to have found a counselor who actually told me the TRUTH about what she had to offer. She told me the fourth time I went to an appointment that she "could not change" any of the things about me which cause my problem. She could only help me "feel better" about being worthless.

I understood that the counseling sessions would, from this point onward. "devolve" as you have experienced, into things which had no relationship to the original goal. I chose to not continue.

I take drugs. It's the only thing I've found that keeps me functional. That, and batteries, as I am now 100% dependent upon a pacemaker.

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Hiswifeagain » Thu May 11, 2017 5:20 am

Did you ever do that Bible study, Breaking Free by Beth Moore that mentioned 2 years ago? How about the drinking? It sounded like you knew that you were supposed to stop. If you haven't yet given it up that keeps you trapped. It gives the enemy access to your heart and mind. I'm praying for you today, OML :)

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You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby SeekingChange » Thu May 11, 2017 7:01 am

OML doesn't seem personal enough, Listen to me my sister in Christ, no offense to our brothers offering empathy, and this message can be for them as well ... but, You. Can. Be. Free. This is why Jesus came. This is why He died. By His stripes we are healed. Believe God, don't focus on what others say. Like the woman who bled, reach out and touch the hem of Jesus. As Jesus once asked, "Do you want to get well?"...the fight is worth it! Pleading the blood of Jesus over you right now.

I, too, could give you some Bible studies or resources that could help you in this journey. But a simple way to start is getting in your Word and studying healing. Seeing what Jesus said and did.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby seeking perspective » Thu May 11, 2017 7:58 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:So - here I am still bound by fear and self-loathing, years after I sought counseling for these problems. Does any of this really matter though? As long as DH is content with our sex life (and he definitely is), should I just give it up and stop trying to overcome my past?

Yes, all of this matters--because YOU matter.

Chase after freedom for yourself. I'm glad your husband is content--but you are not. You are just as worthy as contentment and joy as your husband is. Pursue freedom from your past hangups. While it is good that your therapist considers you stable, that does not mean you are healthy or healed.

And why on earth can't you pursue an education at this age? Even if you don't want to pursue a degree, take some classes that you think would be interesting or fun. Do things because you would enjoy them.

Don't give up on yourself.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Kilarin » Fri May 12, 2017 8:20 pm

yes it matters.

I'm sorry your husband's response was insensitive. But this isn't just about him, as everyone else has been saying, its about YOU.

The marriage bed isn't a place where we should all be pretty. Sometimes we aren't pretty.

We see our lovers when they first wake up in the morning, with messy hair and morning breath. It's not always pretty. We expose ourselves to our spouses so that they can see, not a perfect Greek statue of ideal human form, but our REAL body, with every blemish, every flaw, and every ounce of extra fat. It's often not pretty. We swear to love honor and cherish, till death do we part. The vows might as well say until breasts begin to sag, wrinkles form, erections get weaker, and our bodies lose tone all over. It can be very far from pretty. Our partners see us, not at our very best, but at our very WORST. When we have a cold, when we can barely drag ourselves into bed because we've been working all day, when we are angry, when we are sad, and when we just don't feel like putting in the effort. At times, it can be down right ugly.

We even open our hearts and minds so far and so wide that we reveal our deepest and most secret desires to them. We let them inside, deep inside where they can find the things we want and hunger for that we would be so humiliated if anyone else ever found out about. We let them see our faces when we are in the uncontrollable throws of ecstasy, when all of our defensive shields are down and the real us shines through. And what they see, what they KNOW of us, is often too silly to be pretty.

The marriage bed isn't about pretty. The marriage bed isn't the place where we should strive to be pretty. The marriage bed is the place where we should feel SAFE.

The marriage bed is where you don't have to be pretty, because there, with your spouse, with your other half, you are safe. They've seen what you look like in the middle of sex, and yes, they may have even giggled at you, but you giggled right back, because sex IS silly. And with your spouse, it is safe to look silly. With your spouse, its safe to have your hair in a mess, its safe to have a less than perfect body, its safe to relax and let your face go into whatever contortions happen during orgasm. Because, with your spouse, its safe to be vulnerable.

So, yes, your husbands response was far from ideal. And that is disappointing. But you know what, You can't fix him. You can only, through the power of Christ, fix YOU. YOU are working on being fully exposed and vulnerable in the marriage bed. YOU are working on opening up and revealing yourself fully and completely. YOU are working on making your marriage bed a place where both of you can feel SAFE. And that, regardless of how your husband responds, is WONDERFUL. Because you are working to make your marriage better.

Are you perfect yet? Of course not. But you are making progress, and that is all that matters!

Keep working on your side of the marriage bed, its the only side you have to work on, and by improving it, you ARE improving your marriage. And as you make your side better and better, perhaps his side will continue to improve as well!

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