Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Kilarin » Fri May 16, 2014 7:12 am

I know you feel like you have hit a roadblock, but I want you to know that you are an inspiration to us all in the way you keep making forward progress. Sometimes the progress is slow, sometimes it takes a brief pause, but it still seems to be always moving forward.

I'm praying for you, but a lot of my prayers are praises because I think you are doing just fine!

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby yard1 » Fri May 16, 2014 3:08 pm

OML, there are many of us who would give their proverbial precious possion to have a spouse as committed to change and growth as you are. E for effort may not be as great as A for achievement, but it sure beats F for failing to try!

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby belovedalways » Sat May 17, 2014 6:24 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:So - the idea is out there once again and I NEED to do this. I just don't understand why this is so difficult - my DH is a sweet, patient, loving guy who is not going to make fun of me or reject me, but I can't seem to get that into my head.


For me it's like standing on the edge of a cliff looking down into a billowy stunt mattress. I KNOW the mattress will catch me if I can jump. The problem isn't being afraid of not being caught.(DH being sweet, patient, loving, not mocking nor rejecting) It's the fear of actually stepping off the edge. The fear of falling.(the act that I'm shamed by) It'd be a RELIEF to go off the edge, because if I could do it, I know everything would be out of my hands and I'd be fine. But I just stay there right on the edge of the cliff looking down and freaking out about the fall and I can't lift my foot to finally do it. That's why I think I need to be pushed. If I'm pushed, I'll fall, I'll land and I'll see it's fine. Then I can get back up there and jump all by myself. And it'll probably be fun. Falling CAN BE fun and I know that.

I realize that we have different lives, but this is how my DH and I are going to do this. We've talked about it long enough and I just cannot/will not take that one step so one of these days we've agreed that he's going to push me and it's going to happen. He's not going to warn me on the day he decides it will be done as he doesn't want to give me time to think/worry about it. Like I said, we've BOTH agreed on this method so he's not being mean or doing anything I disagree with. We've already tried him asking and being encouraging. I freeze or say no. I just don't see any other way to get me past my hangup. If I look past my fear, I can see relief and I SO want to just feel the relief of getting past this. I want to be normal.
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby txtwindad » Sat May 17, 2014 7:11 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:
I was very surprised at his next suggestion - that I MB and have my orgasm before his, and that he might like to MB while watching me. I was the one who was speechless then - he had never suggested anything like that before, other than over Skype. (Unfortunately there is no way that I could handle that kind of scrutiny right now.) I did find it very encouraging though, that the idea of me MB'ing might be exciting to him after all. He probably just doesn't get into it much now because he's always in his post-coital sleepiness phase when I'm doing it.

So - the idea is out there once again and I NEED to do this. I just don't understand why this is so difficult - my DH is a sweet, patient, loving guy who is not going to make fun of me or reject me, but I can't seem to get that into my head.


I find this all very encouraging. Would it help or hurt if he insisted you go first while things are hot and heavy?
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sun May 18, 2014 8:54 am

belovedalways wrote:I want to be normal.

Yes, that's my goal.

belovedalways wrote:he's going to push me and it's going to happen.

I'm not sure what it is you're having trouble doing, but in my case, there's really no way for him to "make" me do this. We haven't had too many conversations about this, and when we did, DH had very little to say about the whole situation. He doesn't seem to be bothered by my inability to be looked at during an orgasm and doesn't see much of a need to work on it and push past it. He would like for me to have a more intense orgasm though, so he would like me to try this new position for that reason alone.

txtwindad wrote:Would it help or hurt if he insisted you go first while things are hot and heavy?

Things don't really get hot and heavy for me until PIV. DH isn't too skilled at OS and so I don't get close enough from that. I need the stimulation of PIV to "prime" me I guess. He is starting to develop a bit of PE and complains that he can't last as long as he would like to, so I thought maybe it would be good for us to do a little PIV and then stop to let me have my orgasm first. Yesterday evening I went to talk to him and asked if he thought it would be possible for us to do the usual foreplay, start PIV, but then stop and have him pull out and I can attempt to have my orgasm. I told him the other alternative would be for me to attempt an orgasm during PIV (reverse cowgirl of course, so he can't see my face :roll: ), but that would require him to stay relatively still while I work on it - I can't focus on what I'm doing if he's thrusting. He said "well - only one way to find out" so we planned to try either one of those when we had sex later.

When it came time, he chose for me to do the reverse cowgirl which was a bit of a relief, knowing that I wouldn't be looked at. I still felt a little self-conscious that the focus was entirely on me, but I tried to put that out of my mind and just focus on my orgasm. DH was very good about not thrusting or asking me to do any up-and-down movement, and then I started to worry that he would get bored and lose interest and/or his erection. I put that out of my mind too - he had suggested we do it so he must be OK with it. It took me about twice as long (so - 3 minutes :mrgreen: ) and I thought I wasn't going to be able to, but lo and behold - I had an orgasm during PIV. ::luv Wow, what a feeling - to have DH inside me instead of a stupid chunk of latex. It must have been good for him too because he finished about a minute after I did.

I haven't said what exactly the new MB position is because I was trying to not be too descriptive, but it's relevant to the story here so: the position is exactly the same as I would be in WOT or reverse cowgirl, except that DH wouldn't be underneath me - he'd be laying next to me assisting with manual g-spot stimulation. That's why I suggested we could try the RC method because it's similar. All my previous attempts at having an orgasm during WOT or RC were unsuccessful because my legs were just a bit too far apart when I'm straddling his hips, and our movements were too distracting. I don't know if it's because DH has lost some weight over the past few years, but my legs fit around him just right this time. The orgasm wasn't particularly intense, but I think that's because I was nervous, and starting from a less-aroused point than usual.

I think this is a good baby step towards eventually being able to face DH during an orgasm, because I was able to handle the focus being on me but without him actually seeing everything. I also had some confidence that he wasn't bored or tired or amused because he gave me some encouraging words right before I got started that indicated his interest in my being successful (although he still didn't say anything while I was working on it), and also was touching my hips and backside which was comforting. When (notice I didn't say IF :wink: ) I finally do get the courage to face him, I think it will be best if it's before he has his orgasm so I can have that assurance of his interest. Maybe after we've done that successfully enough times I'll be OK with having my orgasm last if need be.

I'm in a really good mood today. :lol:
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby seeking perspective » Sun May 18, 2014 9:30 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:I'm in a really good mood today. :lol:


Well, duh. ;)

An O during PIV is worth a great big smile. :)

Good for you for continuing to try, and good for your husband for being supportive of your efforts.
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby txtwindad » Sun May 18, 2014 11:33 am

Well that's sort of what had in mind. Reverse cow girl is one of my favorite positions. When we are doing as you said, I love it. But, there isn't much physical stimulation for the man. I mention this because I love the position and view, am not in the least bored, but due to the lack of stimulation for me, I do sometimes loose my erection waiting on her orgasm. We watch for this and may need to change tactics if it begins to happen.

I wanted to mention because I think it may well happen to you guys as well. Don't interpret it as boredom or lack of interest. Take it for what it is, an aging body and not enough physical stimulation.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sun May 18, 2014 3:44 pm

I was actually giving the base and underside of his penis some attention with my other hand, partly because it made it more fun for me and partly because I thought it might help him keep his erection and not feel left out of the process.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby belovedalways » Mon May 19, 2014 7:20 am

I'm so happy for you!! You asked your husband to help, he did AND he helped you exactly as you needed him to. AND you got the result you were after!! Having had success, hopefully it will now get easier for you! Brave AND successful! I'm impressed.

Old Married Lady wrote: I'm not sure what it is you're having trouble doing, but in my case, there's really no way for him to "make" me do this. We haven't had too many conversations about this, and when we did, DH had very little to say about the whole situation. He doesn't seem to be bothered by my inability to be looked at during an orgasm and doesn't see much of a need to work on it and push past it. He would like for me to have a more intense orgasm though, so he would like me to try this new position for that reason alone.


Not my thread, so no details about me. :wink: My problem is very similar to yours in that it's my problem, not something DH is or isn't doing to/for me. However, we've found a way that he CAN 'make' me do it. We've talked about it a lot and have decided on what to do. He knows I'll probably.......okay will :D , say no when he brings it up and I might cry. He's prepared to deal with that. He knows I'll be afraid because of my embarrassment level, but he also knows that I WANT to get over it. He's not telling me when we will be dealing with it as he doesn't want me fretting/dreading/worrying about it. We both understand that when he decides it's time, it will happen. So I'm trusting him to know when the best timing will be and I guess I'm assuming he'll get me through it and we'll have one emotionally rough session and then I'll have done it and things will get better from there.

If I'm still embarrassed the next time he brings it up, we've agreed that he'll follow through just as he did before as many times as I need until it becomes totally okay. Our goal is NO embarrassment but if I am always going to have some embarrassment, we want it to not interfere with me doing 'the thing'. :D

I KNOW me and our course of action WILL work. I know I can't do it myself. He's given me every opportunity to do so and I just can't/won't, so I told him what I thought would work. It's a little scary that I've given that kind if information to him because it truly makes me vulnerable, but I think in my situation, there really is no other recourse if I want change. And I do want change.
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby txtwindad » Mon May 19, 2014 8:22 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:I was actually giving the base and underside of his penis some attention with my other hand, partly because it made it more fun for me and partly because I thought it might help him keep his erection and not feel left out of the process.


Good plan. I like your attitude, OML.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Tue May 20, 2014 7:04 pm

I don't think DH realizes how big of a deal it was for me to have an orgasm during PIV. It's only happened maybe three times in our entire marriage, and the last time was several years ago. Even though I was still the one giving myself the orgasm, I felt so much more connected and bonded with DH - it's like I felt that one in my heart. (I hope that doesn't indicate some kind of codependency or making sex an idol or making DH responsible for my happiness or anything - I'll ask my therapist when I see her next.) Thinking about it the next day made me emotional but I haven't been able to talk to him about it. He really does not like mushy sappy "feelings" discussions and he has a hard time following or relating to my issues. I suppose I could write him a letter but he's not crazy about those either because he's a slow reader. We had sex last night, but got started so late that we just did the quicker version of the usual stuff so he could get to sleep. (He initiated, and I try not to say no when he does because I want to encourage him to do it more often.) I really wanted to try again for another PIV orgasm but I was too embarrassed to suggest it. :roll: :?

I think it's true what my therapist says, that if I let too much time lapse between "exposures" (difficult activities) I lose my momentum and courage to do them consistently. She also says the positive response doesn't get reinforced if it's just done occasionally. It's unfortunate that my problem involves sex with someone else, because we only have sex about 3 times in the 2 weeks between therapy sessions and I can't force him to do it more often so that I can get reinforced. I think the only solution would be to MB in front of him several times a week or several days in a row, whether he's interested in sex or not. The idea of that sure doesn't sound appealing and I wonder if I'd be able to sell him on it (or have the courage to go through with it).

I have another opportunity this weekend to ask him to watch the MB video while he's at the cabin (he'll be up there alone). Now THAT would be an exposure for sure, even without me being there - I feel pretty anxious when I think about it. It would certainly give me something good to report to the therapist though. The one downside is that I didn't put my face in the video as usual, so it still wouldn't involve DH seeing my face although I think it would be a step in the right direction anyway.
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Bear » Wed May 21, 2014 3:10 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:(I hope that doesn't indicate some kind of codependency or making sex an idol or making DH responsible for my happiness or anything - I'll ask my therapist when I see her next.)


I ain't no therapist ;) , but seems to me it's simply the joy of shared intimacy. You afforded great emotional risk, and reaped the reward. YOU took responsibility, you didn't make DH responsible...

Now go get some positive reinforcement. Get back on that horse. ,,,,,wait, I wasn't calling your DH a horse or anything... :)
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby luvmygirls » Wed May 21, 2014 5:58 am

It sounds like a great step to me, OML. You should be pleased with yourself and with your H. Recall that support and interest when you are doubting whether he is supportive or aroused by you.

Keep up the good work!
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Thu May 22, 2014 11:43 am

Wow, I'm going to have plenty of good reports to share with my therapist on Tuesday. :D

I managed to have the sappy mushy feelings discussion with DH. It was only 2 minutes long, but it was a good 2 minutes. While we were cuddling and getting ready for foreplay, I somehow managed to blurt out that I had gotten pretty emotional about that PIV orgasm. He didn't have anything to say in response. I said "I know, we don't normally 'do' emotions, we just have sex." More silence. He must have ruminated on that though, because when it came time for PIV he suggested I try for one again and that he really wanted me to be successful. (I wasn't - I was too nervous this time.) I explained later that I was worried it was taking too long and that he was getting bored with having to stay still, and he said "oh, NO - not at all - I was getting into it."

Later we were doing our post-game analysis and deciding how/if we were going to proceed with an orgasm for me. I told him that I really have to stop doing it face down and facing away, but I'm still anxious about being exposed. He said "um - I've seen you naked before, you know". :lol: I explained that even if I got up the courage to let him see me MB, I'm still not ready to let him see my face while I'm doing it. He said "what are you talking about? I see your face all the time." I said "yeah, during sex, but have you noticed that I never let you see it during an orgasm?" He said "I would love to see that. I think it would be a real turn-on." I said "I've never even seen it since I can never keep my eyes open - it feels like I'm just frowning a lot." He said "well yeah, because it's intense - I'd really like to see that". :P

So - I finally have verbal assurance that he will not be bored, amused, or repulsed. Full steam ahead. (Next week when he's back from the cabin anyway.)

I also snuck that MB video back onto his laptop for this weekend. I'm going to have to insist that he watch it because I need to do something uncomfortable and potentially embarrassing, and him watching it would make me very uncomfortable. I'll just tell him that it's an important part of my therapy and he has no choice.
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Bear » Thu May 22, 2014 11:58 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:He said "I would love to see that. I think it would be a real turn-on." I said "I've never even seen it since I can never keep my eyes open - it feels like I'm just frowning a lot." He said "well yeah, because it's intense - I'd really like to see that". :P


Ya know the old saw about 'playing tapes in our heads'?

That, there's a good one to let spin.

Great report!
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Nvr2Late » Fri May 23, 2014 6:34 am

That sure sounds to me like excellent progress!
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby txtwindad » Fri May 23, 2014 7:26 am

Just a thought, but how about blindfolding him as an intermediate step? You can get used having an O facing him WOT instead of reverse cow girl. Then when you get used to being successful facing him, you can work on removing his blindfold.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Leah » Fri May 23, 2014 7:54 am

Wow. What a good idea, txtwindad.
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Fri May 23, 2014 9:36 am

It's funny, a blindfold has been suggested a few times in the past - most recently a few weeks ago by my therapist in fact. I do have one in the bedside drawer. I just don't want to deprive DH of his beloved visuals. Being able to see during sex is a really big deal to him, and he says it actually helps him get and maintain erections. Same reason why I haven't taken her other suggestion, which is to have sex in the dark a few times. I've gotten healthy enough that *I* prefer the (dim) lights be on during sex.

No, I think I'm just gonna have to bite the bullet on this and DO IT. It's been over 2 years since I started on this mission to get "normal" and I've been given more than enough time to grow up already. :oops: My therapist has thrown down the gauntlet, pretty much - time to get serious about this.

Bear wrote:wait, I wasn't calling your DH a horse or anything... :)

Ah, but he is - he's my mighty stallion. :roll: :lol:
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Leah » Fri May 23, 2014 9:39 am

Ask your husband what he wants to do. He may well enjoy the blindfold.
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“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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