Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
User avatar
angellove
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1790
Joined: Fri Aug 06, 2010 1:35 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): March 20th, 1990
Gender: Female

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby angellove » Fri May 23, 2014 12:04 pm

It sounds like you had a really good conversation -- one that gave you the reassurance that you needed to go forward.

User avatar
seeking perspective
Under the stars
Posts: 5566
Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:01 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 27th, 1991
Gender: Female
Location: between the Northwoods and the Great Plains and the Great Lakes
Contact:

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby seeking perspective » Fri May 23, 2014 3:52 pm

OldMarriedLady wrote:Wow, I'm going to have plenty of good reports to share with my therapist on Tuesday. :D


No kidding! Who are you, and what have you done with OML? ;)

In other words, you go, girl!
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
The Forgiven Wife
and Sex Chat for Christian Wives

User avatar
OldMarriedLady
Under the stars
Posts: 5389
Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:01 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 7th, 1983
Gender: Female

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sat May 24, 2014 6:47 pm

seeking perspective wrote:Who are you, and what have you done with OML? ;)

Bwahahahaha! I'll never tell!

Yesterday I called him at the cabin and after some chit-chat I managed to tell him about the video. I said "you know how you're supposed to help me with my therapy? Well, here's what you can do: watch the video of me that I put back on your laptop". He just said "oh, ok" - didn't scold me for putting it back. I said "I'm supposed to do something that will be scary and freak me out, and you watching it will freak me out - that's why I wanted you to do it up there at the cabin and not at home with me here". I said "wait until you're in the mood for that kind of thing though - I wouldn't recommend watching it while you're eating breakfast or anything". :lol: I said "and don't laugh!" He said "why would I laugh?"

He called me tonight because he had wanted us to Skype but his laptop wasn't connecting to the wireless internet up there. Despite my best "help desk" efforts, we couldn't get it working. I said "well, don't forget about that video anyway". He asked me where the file was and said he was going to watch it right then. I said "no, not now! Not with me on the phone!" I told him I was going to go make dinner and I'd talk to him later. Well, about 20 minutes later the phone rang, and it was DH who had just one word - "wow". :P I blushed from the top of my head down to my feet. He told me all the things he liked about it, and then said "now what were you so embarrassed about?"

::clap

He said "I can just close this box now, right?" and I said "yeah, you can go ahead and delete the file right away too". He said "uh, no ...... not just yet." ::rotfl (I have the feeling there will be an encore presentation later tonight.) I feel such a sense of relief, even though I still have one more hurdle to get past (showing my face). It oughta be a piece of cake now. :wink:
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

User avatar
seeking perspective
Under the stars
Posts: 5566
Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:01 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 27th, 1991
Gender: Female
Location: between the Northwoods and the Great Plains and the Great Lakes
Contact:

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby seeking perspective » Sat May 24, 2014 7:18 pm

OldMarriedLady wrote: Well, about 20 minutes later the phone rang, and it was DH who had just one word - "wow". :P I blushed from the top of my head down to my feet. He told me all the things he liked about it, and then said "now what were you so embarrassed about?"

::clap


Wow, he even remembered the specifics? Very impressive.

He said "I can just close this box now, right?" and I said "yeah, you can go ahead and delete the file right away too". He said "uh, no ...... not just yet." ::rotfl (I have the feeling there will be an encore presentation later tonight.) I feel such a sense of relief, even though I still have one more hurdle to get past (showing my face). It oughta be a piece of cake now. :wink:


It really should be easier than you've imagined it to be. He's already seen you do it all on video (and will probably see it a few more times before he gets the live version). Your therapist is going to stand up and cheer for you.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
The Forgiven Wife
and Sex Chat for Christian Wives

One-woman man
King bed
Posts: 314
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2006 1:16 pm
Location: Near my wife

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby One-woman man » Sun May 25, 2014 3:12 pm

Great work OML! I'm happy with you and believe you can keep on taking steps forward!
Enjoy!
Honoring God in all things

User avatar
facetoface
California King
Posts: 786
Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 9:23 pm

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby facetoface » Sun May 25, 2014 10:09 pm

What a very terrific update!

User avatar
OldMarriedLady
Under the stars
Posts: 5389
Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:01 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 7th, 1983
Gender: Female

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Thu May 29, 2014 10:05 am

I guess I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. :( DH came home Monday and was eager to have sex, but when it came time for my orgasm afterwards, I once again panicked at the thought of being watched. I couldn't do it at all, not even in my usual "hiding" position. It's like all the postive reinforcement I'd gotten over the weekend just went right out of my head. I was really in need of an orgasm though, so that frustration just added to my anger at myself. It was an exact replay of this ancient post of mine, where I had been too embarrassed to try for an orgasm after sex:

on March 9th 2011, OldMarriedLady wrote:I don't know if this is how guys feel when they're sexually frustrated, but I had the strongest urge to get up out of bed and punch somebody/something, or go out to the kitchen and start throwing dishes. :shock: Very unlike me, I usually just cry when I'm frustrated. I was angry at myself more than at him, but just angry with life in general.

So it's been three years and I'm still stuck in the same place in my head. My therapist told me that I tried to do too much, too soon (even though she was pleased that I stuck my neck out). She said my progress will never be a straight uphill line, but will be a series of peaks and valleys (progress alternating with setbacks or stagnation). I need to slow down and take smaller bites, but continue to work on getting past this particular roadblock. She said it's possible that I still haven't completely unpacked the baggage from all the teasing and bullying in my youth, or that there may be something I don't even consciously remember right now that is making this particular situation (being looked at) so anxiety-provoking even after all this time in therapy.

When I look back over the last few years though, I can see that I really have made some remarkable changes. Getting on the right anti-depressant and starting therapy have made all the difference. I'm not only getting better at handling the sexual anxiety, my social anxiety is slowly fading away too. I still highly recommend cognitive behavioral therapy for anyone who struggles with the fallout from bad childhood experiences (even if it wasn't actual trauma or abuse). It's obviously not a quick fix, but it does really work.

Our marriage overall is in a really good place right now. It's getting a lot easier for me to have conversations with DH about my problems and peculiarities, and sometimes I think he's actually listening. :roll: :lol: Still not sure if he's fully understanding, but he's listening. He's still very non-verbal and non-demonstrative so I don't get a whole lot of affirmation, but I can tell he really does want me to "get better" and is willing to do whatever we need to do, no matter how weird it may seem to him. I know he really loves me even though he rarely says it.** (I'm a pretty low-maintenance wife anyway and I don't need a whole lot from him.)

DH has made some remarkable changes in the past few years too, mostly from starting on testosterone replacement, but also from being dragged along on my journey towards normalcy. He has opened up about some aspects of his sexuality that he previously felt shy about sharing - I think my admitting to my problems made him more comfortable with those kinds of discussions. Sex just feels different nowadays, like we're more "grown-up" or something. That video seems to have made quite an impression on him, because he's still talking (quite favorably) about it almost a week later and that is definitely giving my self-confidence a boost. (One of the things he said was "I liked the way you were talking to me in that video", and I wanted to be a little stinker and say "what makes you so sure I was talking to you?" ::rotfl )

So, I'll just keep plugging away, and if anything extra good happens I'll come back to the thread with a report. :D




**He was wearing a t-shirt this weekend that actually says "I LOVE MY WIFE". The funny part is the fine print between the lines; when you get closer up you can see that the shirt says

I LOVE

it when

MY WIFE

lets me go fishing


I think it's awesome that he's willing to publicly proclaim it from his chest for all the world to see. :lol: (And I don't ever ask him to wear it; when he does it's his own decision. I love that.)
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

User avatar
Nvr2Late
On the floor
Posts: 1503
Joined: Mon Nov 09, 2009 8:23 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 9th, 2013
Gender: Female
Location: Midwest

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Nvr2Late » Thu May 29, 2014 10:35 am

::praise I'm so happy to read this. I know one of these days we're going to read a total victory post from you, OML!

I've thought about you/this thread a few times lately. DH has a thing where he cuddles up close and then stares at me for a long time after we get into bed. Sometimes we talk, but often it's just a time of silence. It's his way of shutting out the world and connecting with me, I know that. Still, I found it almost unbearable after a few minutes and didn't know what to do with MY eyes! It was like a Mexican Stare-down but in a loving context, if that makes any sense.

But, anyway it nearly drove me crazy the first 7-8 months of our marriage. I felt like a bug under a magnifying glass. Nobody has EVER done this to me (my previous marriage was a study in disconnectedness!) and I was SO uncomfortable. I asked him several times to please limit it to a moment or two, and then look somewhere else for a while. We laughed about it, but I really struggled.

He is SO visual. He wants the lights on (brightly) during sex, and he looks intently at me the whole time. I only realized after reading your struggles that I was experiencing little bit of a similar anxiety myself. From reading your thread here, I've gotten up the courage to work on it, and last night was able to keep my eyes focused on him at the end of my O, which is a big first for me. And I can now comfortably return his loving, connecting gaze at night before we turn out the lights.

If I hadn't been following this thread I'm not sure I'd ever have pushed through my problem. Thank you for sharing. You never know.
___________________________________________________________________________
How we handle our spouse's shortcomings reveals more about our own character than theirs. * I’ve already told you more than I know.

User avatar
seeking perspective
Under the stars
Posts: 5566
Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:01 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 27th, 1991
Gender: Female
Location: between the Northwoods and the Great Plains and the Great Lakes
Contact:

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby seeking perspective » Thu May 29, 2014 1:03 pm

When you're climbing up a hill, you're bound to trip over a rock or two on your way to the top. Just stand there, give yourself a chance to get comfortable and confident with all the things you've started to do successfully, and catch your breath. This is an important opportunity for your husband to come alongside you and be there with you, and it sounds like he is doing that. Cu

Cut yourself some slack. You're going to make it to the top one of these days.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
The Forgiven Wife
and Sex Chat for Christian Wives

User avatar
OldMarriedLady
Under the stars
Posts: 5389
Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:01 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 7th, 1983
Gender: Female

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sat May 31, 2014 8:50 pm

Nvr2Late wrote:DH has a thing where he cuddles up close and then stares at me for a long time after we get into bed. Sometimes we talk, but often it's just a time of silence.

Yeesh - that would make me nuts! :lol: Funny though, I can keep sustained eye contact with DH when we're not having sex or working our way towards it - like over the dinner table. Sometimes HE gets uncomfortable with MY gaze.

Nvr2Late wrote:I've gotten up the courage to work on it, and last night was able to keep my eyes focused on him at the end of my O, which is a big first for me. And I can now comfortably return his loving, connecting gaze at night before we turn out the lights.

::clap Well done! I'm looking forward to the day when I can say the same.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

User avatar
Sas
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1861
Joined: Tue May 24, 2011 11:10 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 28th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Sas » Sat Jun 14, 2014 5:17 pm

Hey OML! I've spent some riding in the car time catching up on your thread. I am super happy at the progress you have made in the last few months! You are an inspiration for sure!
The poster previously known as Savedandsexy :mrgreen:

User avatar
luvmygirls
Under the stars
Posts: 5770
Joined: Tue Jan 01, 2008 5:39 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 25th, 1995
Gender: Male
Location: at the feet of Jesus

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby luvmygirls » Wed Jul 02, 2014 10:55 am

Once again I've slacked off on my reading, but I'm glad I revisited for the update! Great job, OML, and I'm really proud of your call to your H about the video. His response sounds VERY positive and I hope it gives you a boost. I'm glad your therapist is encouraging you along. It sounds like you're doing amazing things.

And I second CBT. I love using that; it's my primary model.
"If you have any poo, fling it now."--monkey from "Madagascar"

User avatar
OldMarriedLady
Under the stars
Posts: 5389
Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:01 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 7th, 1983
Gender: Female

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Mon Apr 13, 2015 5:01 pm

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I posted anything on this thread.

Life took a real downward turn over the past 9 months or so. My employer decided to move me into a department I really dislike (and is much more stressful than my previous position), and put me on a schedule that does not mesh well with DH's (we used to work pretty much the same early morning shifts so we could spend a lot of time together after work). Then there was that whole mess with my daughter that started in October. I spiraled into a pretty bad depression relapse with a lot of added anxiety. I started overeating (emotional eating, the worst kind) and, I'm ashamed to admit, started overindulging in alcohol. :oops: (Only at home, and only at night before bed, so no danger of harming others or DUI.) I also stopped going to the gym because I couldn't fit it into my day on my new schedule. I've gained about 20 lbs. :x

All I've talked about with my therapist since last August is either my job situation, my daughter, or most recently, my self-medicating and borderline substance abuse. There has been no discussion about anything sexual or anything relating to personal growth. I hadn't done anything new or brave (sexually) since my last post here. Frequency has dwindled to about twice a week, because I never initiate anymore and DH doesn't want it too often.

I've been thinking about our sex situation here and there though, and last night I decided to DO something. We had sex with the full-length mirror leaned up against the wall opposite the bed so we can make eye contact through the mirror (this is our standard operating procedure now). When we got done and DH went to get a drink of water, I slid the mirror towards the head of the bed so it was next to me at eye level and reflecting my face. He came back to bed and climbed in next to me to help me with my orgasm as usual. (Neither one of us said anything about the placement of the mirror.) I kept my face turned away from him like I always do but it was visible in the mirror. I still had to keep my eyes closed, but I did have a very nice orgasm. :D

Later as we were drifting off to sleep, I said "I put the mirror where it was so that you could see my O face". He said "I know - I did". I said "it just feels to me like I'm frowning - was it a frowny face?" He said "no, actually you looked like Mr. Bill" :lol: (late 70's TV reference, for you youngsters who may be reading). That was all he said about it, didn't say anything about whether he liked it or found it exciting or interesting. But, I was proud of myself for taking the risk finally. I think I'll make a point to do that every time we have sex and work towards opening my eyes at some point.

I've stopped drinking, I'm trying to get the eating under control, and once in a blue moon I get a fire under me and I go to the gym. I want to be able to focus on something other than my own unhappiness and stress. (Really, all of my issues are first world problems and not worth the amount of angst I put into them. I need to put things in better perspective.)
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

User avatar
Bear
California King
Posts: 786
Joined: Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:43 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 26th, 1987
Gender: Male

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Bear » Mon Apr 13, 2015 5:09 pm

Way to go Mr. Bill.
The same women who are ready to defend their men through thick and thin are...lucid about...the thickness of his head.
Love is not blind; that is the last thing it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is blind.
-GK Chesterton

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16013
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Leah » Mon Apr 13, 2015 5:11 pm

What refreshing honesty, OML. I pray the Lord will give you a new freedom in all your hard work.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
YoungSouthernWife
Double
Posts: 59
Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2014 1:47 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 21st, 2011
Gender: Female
Location: Sweet Home Alabama

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby YoungSouthernWife » Mon Apr 13, 2015 5:29 pm

It's encouraging to see that there is always work to be done. Marriage is kind of like our spiritual lives... There are steps that can take us backward and forward. Your steps forward have made me think of taking a few steps forward in my own life. I'm thankful to be able to read posts like yours. I'm learning a lot through this thread (I am reading through it for the first time)! I prayed for you just now and I have written your user name in my journal to continue praying for you. I hope you continue to move forward in your marriage and I hope you continue to lead people like me.

User avatar
Kilarin
Under the stars
Posts: 2623
Joined: Sat Jul 01, 2006 5:36 pm
Location: South of Ft. Worth Texas

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Kilarin » Mon Apr 13, 2015 5:36 pm

oldmarriedlady wrote: I was proud of myself for taking the risk finally.

Amen! You are an inspiration to all of us!

User avatar
seeking perspective
Under the stars
Posts: 5566
Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:01 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 27th, 1991
Gender: Female
Location: between the Northwoods and the Great Plains and the Great Lakes
Contact:

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby seeking perspective » Mon Apr 13, 2015 5:46 pm

Good for you! I loved Mr. Bill, and I guess your husband does, too. :)
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
The Forgiven Wife
and Sex Chat for Christian Wives

User avatar
OldMarriedLady
Under the stars
Posts: 5389
Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:01 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 7th, 1983
Gender: Female

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Mon Apr 13, 2015 9:17 pm

YoungSouthernWife wrote: I prayed for you just now and I have written your user name in my journal to continue praying for you. I hope you continue to move forward in your marriage and I hope you continue to lead people like me.

Thank you!
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

User avatar
OldMarriedLady
Under the stars
Posts: 5389
Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:01 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 7th, 1983
Gender: Female

Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:00 pm

I had an appointment with the therapist last week, and I told her what happened when I finally stuck my neck (and face) out only to have my DH tell me I looked like a cartoon character. She literally threw her hands in the air and said "aaaaargh! [DH's name], no!" I just chuckled. I don't know why I thought it would turn out any differently. I know my DH pretty well after almost 35 years together, and he's just not a real sensitive guy.

I did tell him later that I was disappointed that his only reaction to my doing something that was very difficult for me, and made me feel really vulnerable and exposed, was to tease me about it. Enduring a lot of teasing growing up is what has made me the way I am now, and it doesn't help when it comes from him. He apologized but said I really did look like that and Mr. Bill is the first thing that popped into his head. :roll: He claimed that he did like seeing it and that he'd like to see it again, but my heart's just not in it. I haven't been able to do it again since that night.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)


Return to “Other Sexual Changes, Challenges & Difficulties”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users