Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

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Leah
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Leah » Tue May 06, 2014 6:32 pm

I am praying. I am also mad.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby mamame » Tue May 06, 2014 6:41 pm

I notice that you take his silence to mean disinterest or amusement. He's given you plenty of reason to think that to be sure! But maybe that's something you can work on - since he is the silent type can you rewrite it in your mind to him being speechless about it?

After his orgasm is such a bad time - I'm sorry but I can't remember why you don't try for yours before his.
I've fought this same battle (er um ... FightING) so I know what you are going through.
Maybe the new position isn't the best goal for right now?

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Tue May 06, 2014 7:03 pm

mamame wrote: can you rewrite it in your mind to him being speechless about it?

That might work for the times other than when he falls asleep. I can't put a positive spin on that. :wink:

mamame wrote:After his orgasm is such a bad time - I'm sorry but I can't remember why you don't try for yours before his.

I know, the post-coital narcolepsy is something that just can't be helped - he's always been like that. He likes to tell me that I'm "too good for my own good", that I wear him out so completely.

I don't get aroused enough from foreplay to get close to an orgasm - I need the full-on sexual encounter to reach a high enough arousal level. It's like my excitement has to feed off of his. I also haven't found a position or method that is conducive to having an orgasm during sex (except during anal sex - oh, the irony). I don't like the sensation of vibrators - we tried that once or twice during PIV but it didn't do anything for me and he didn't care for the transmitted sensations either.

mamame wrote:Maybe the new position isn't the best goal for right now?

Well, it's really the only one I have left to overcome (that and the facing DH during orgasms). My therapist is getting impatient with me because I never do anything new or different anymore and I seem to be too comfortable in a rut. I need to do something difficult.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby mamame » Tue May 06, 2014 7:07 pm

We've been stopping about 2/3 of the way through PIV for me time. I have the same arousal issues as you. I definitely have his attention then! My hurdle with this approach is feeling pressure (from myself) to hurry.
Did your counselor say it needed to be something difficult or did you add that part?

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Tue May 06, 2014 7:18 pm

mamame wrote: My hurdle with this approach is feeling pressure (from myself) to hurry.

I'm very fortunate that if conditions are right, I can bring myself to an orgasm in about 90 seconds. It's just getting to that level of arousal that's a challenge.

mamame wrote:Did your counselor say it needed to be something difficult or did you add that part?

No, she said it needs to be something challenging, something that makes me uncomfortable. If it was easy, it wouldn't be a step towards growth. Some of the other options are journaling about unpleasant or traumatic childhood experiences (yeah, I'll get right on that :roll: ), doing some more of the exercises in my Body Image Workbook (ugh), or dancing in public (which might be even more frightening than masturbating with my husband looking me in the face, believe it or not).
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby seeking perspective » Tue May 06, 2014 7:53 pm

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I've been having O problems of my own and have been stuck still working on it after his O--and it takes way more than 90 seconds.

Have you tried the therapist's suggestion about trying it in the dark? Did you tell your husband that she suggested a blindfold? If he thinks it's weird, that's okay. It wasn't your idea, after all.And maybe he would be willing to try it.

Your husband's thought about being no good in bed stands out. Do your concerns about what he will think about his bedroom abilities play a role in what you try, and how? Do they keep you from having the necessary conversations with him? Does he forget conversations about other subjects, or is it just the sex ones that he forgets? These are all things that have cropped up in our marriage.

Hang in there, and know that I'm praying for you.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby txtwindad » Tue May 06, 2014 8:22 pm

I'm sorry you've hit a wall. Go read back through your thread again. You're not right back at the beginning. I find your progress inspiring. Sometimes it takes a step back or sideways to move forward again. I've got no suggestions for you. Just confidence that you will move forward. That should be plain as day to anyone reading this thread.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Wed May 07, 2014 1:23 am

seeking perspective wrote:Have you tried the therapist's suggestion about trying it in the dark? Did you tell your husband that she suggested a blindfold?

No, haven't tried anything yet. We also haven't had an opportunity for any conversation about it since my meltdown last Friday (and truthfully I'm dragging my feet about initiating a conversation because it will be almost as difficult as actually doing anything).

seeking perspective wrote:Do your concerns about what he will think about his bedroom abilities play a role in what you try, and how? Do they keep you from having the necessary conversations with him?

Hmmm ....... yeah, maybe a little. Nowhere near how it used to be though.

seeking perspective wrote:Does he forget conversations about other subjects, or is it just the sex ones that he forgets?

No, he forgets everything, and sometimes just hours/days after we've had a discussion. I used to get really aggravated by it, but after 31 years now (today! :P ) I just expect it and work around it. I think it's part of the reason I don't talk to him much about my issues - that and the fact that he just doesn't "do" emotional conversations.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Bear » Wed May 07, 2014 3:19 am

OML. Happy anniversary! You have my prayers.

I pray that you are encouraged by a simple fraction of the measure of the help, humor, wisdom, life, and encouragement that you share with us.

Know that your 'voice', specifically, here has helped in building and strengthening Babysweets and my MB and communication.

Praying.
The same women who are ready to defend their men through thick and thin are...lucid about...the thickness of his head.
Love is not blind; that is the last thing it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is blind.
-GK Chesterton

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Wed May 07, 2014 11:03 am

Gosh, Bear, I don't know what to say. I believe "thank you" and "you're welcome" would be appropriate. I don't feel very inspirational though; I feel like a fraud, having crowed about my "successes" that stopped being successful. :oops:

We're going out to dinner tonight and have about a 20 minute drive to the restaurant, so I'll try to bring all this up on the way there. Since it's our anniversary I get to have his full attention all evening - no TV watching or playing with guns downstairs. :mrgreen: I don't have to feel guilty about asking him to please talk with me.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Bear » Wed May 07, 2014 11:21 am

I'll see your Gosh and raise you a Golly.

How is real progress, real set-backs, real victories, real disappointment, real joy, real sorrow, raising your hands in praise, shaking your fists at the heavens a fraud?

Sounds real to me. One can lean on real, plastic gives way at the slightest pressure.
The same women who are ready to defend their men through thick and thin are...lucid about...the thickness of his head.
Love is not blind; that is the last thing it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is blind.
-GK Chesterton

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed May 07, 2014 11:25 am

Happy anniversary OML! :)

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Leah » Wed May 07, 2014 11:57 am

Happy anniversary, sweetie.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby seeking perspective » Wed May 07, 2014 3:09 pm

Happy anniversary. I hope you have a great "dessert" tonight. ;)
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Thu May 08, 2014 1:10 am

I chickened out of the conversation last night. :hb: Also chickened out after sex again last night, so no "dessert" for me. :hb:
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby luvmygirls » Thu May 08, 2014 7:37 am

Just so you know, you don't get to give up. You just don't. :D

Nope, you've put in lots of time, lots of effort, made lots of sacrifices and have a strong therapist who is partnering with you for your own growth and progress. As TTD said, you're not back at the beginning. You're still way further up the path than you think. Sometimes on a long run you get a cramp and you have to stop and massage it out, shake it loose, and rebuild your momentum. I think you're just massaging out your cramp.

You have it in you, OML. No start building that momentum again. :D
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Nvr2Late » Thu May 08, 2014 12:42 pm

I just completed the last year of updates and I must say I'm so impressed with the progress you've made. I feel like I know you much better now. You are so courageous. I don't have any words of wisdom that others haven't already said, but don't give up, and, well....just love and take care of yourself. Every day is a new opportunity.
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby belovedalways » Thu May 08, 2014 1:34 pm

As I've talked with you before, I have quite a bit in common with you concerning this topic. You're doing so well continuing to push forward. Even if you think you're not progressing, may I say that I think I see that you are. I'm moving forward much more slowly than you are and I make less effort to push myself. (probably because I have no accountability...hmmmm)

Be encouraged!! You are keeping your work and need to overcome at the front of your mind. You are deliberately TRYING to take the next step. You are sticking w/your accountability here so you can get encouragement both with our words and prayers. You have come SO FAR from the beginning. So far.

I really do understand your 'stuckness'. I've hit that point w/a couple of things and I am struggling to force myself to continue, trying not to talk myself out of the need to reach the goals. I've frozen at my next step just like you. My heart pounds, the words are in my head, I tell myself to 'Just do it, it's no big deal. Nearly everybody in the world other than you can do this without even thinking twice', and I KNOW I should just tell dh what I need him to do/say to help me and I just absolutely cannot. I can't. The words are stuck farther back than my throat and I cannot move. I feel like I have a disconnect between my brain and my body.

After reading your story here that last time, I tried using things you'd talked about to see if I could figure out what my deep-seated hangups were so I could deal with them. I'm pretty sure I know WHERE my anxieties come from, but not sure HOW to get past the problem. I'm kind of amazed at how certain kinds of unkindness directed at certain personality types can affect a person so deeply. Kind of training the subconscious in a negative way in an otherwise normal happy life. I guess for myself I take it to a logical level. Anything that can be trained can be retrained.

What if you did your usual, but had a mirror in front of you where he could see your facial reflection and you kept your eyes shut? Or maybe even had the lights off just to get used to the mirror and gradually added little bits of light and eventually open your eyes? Even if that took months it would be working directly towards your goal.
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Fri May 09, 2014 7:58 am

belovedalways wrote:You are keeping your work and need to overcome at the front of your mind. You are deliberately TRYING to take the next step.

Yes, and it's because I have to answer to my therapist every two weeks.

belovedalways wrote:My heart pounds, the words are in my head, I tell myself to 'Just do it, it's no big deal. Nearly everybody in the world other than you can do this without even thinking twice', and I KNOW I should just tell dh what I need him to do/say to help me and I just absolutely cannot. I can't. The words are stuck farther back than my throat and I cannot move. I feel like I have a disconnect between my brain and my body.

Exactly. For me there's an added dose of self-berating for being so pathetic.

belovedalways wrote:Anything that can be trained can be retrained.

Which is what the cognitive behavioral therapy does, when I actually do the homework. :oops:

belovedalways wrote:What if you did your usual, but had a mirror in front of you where he could see your facial reflection and you kept your eyes shut?

I had thought about doing that - when I am laying face down, my face is turned towards the wall next to our bed. I often stand a full-length mirror against that wall so I can look into it during sex and make eye contact with him behind me, so I could just move it up closer to the head of the bed. He is normally laying kind of spooned up behind me, but he could peek up over me and look at the mirror I guess. The funny thing is, I don't know if he even wants to see my face during an orgasm. He originally complained about not being able to look at me during sex, and we got that fixed so he seems content with how we do things now.

He's leaving this afternoon to go up to our cabin for the weekend, and I can't go along because I have to work. I am pondering whether I should put that MB video back on his laptop and send it along with him, and insist that he watch it this time (and not carp and complain about my putting it on the laptop in the first place).

ETA: I guess not - he left before I got home and didn't take the laptop with him.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Thu May 15, 2014 7:47 pm

I had a therapy appointment this afternoon, and it looks like my therapy may be coming to an end. The therapist has to periodically submit progress reports to my insurance company - obviously they're not going to pay if I'm not going to get better - and she also has to let them know whether "the patient" is cooperating and doing the assigned homework. Well, right now, the patient is not. :oops:

This made for a conversation starter with DH though, and I told him about some of the things I'm supposed to be doing but I'm still too scared to do. I said I was supposed to be trying brave new things in bed, and he said "new? What's still left to try?" (Like I guessed, he's content with our marriage bed and thinks we've achieved everything possible.) I said "you know, that position". Totally confused look and silence. I said "you remember, the thing we discussed a few times and even briefly acted out once?" He said he didn't remember. :hb: I laughingly told him that this is one reason why I don't try to have emotional conversations with him. I explained it once again and he said "have you ever done that position when I'm not around?" I told him I had, and even had it on video (he forgot all about that too). He said "and does it work better than your usual way?" ::arg YES!

I was very surprised at his next suggestion - that I MB and have my orgasm before his, and that he might like to MB while watching me. I was the one who was speechless then - he had never suggested anything like that before, other than over Skype. (Unfortunately there is no way that I could handle that kind of scrutiny right now.) I did find it very encouraging though, that the idea of me MB'ing might be exciting to him after all. He probably just doesn't get into it much now because he's always in his post-coital sleepiness phase when I'm doing it.

So - the idea is out there once again and I NEED to do this. I just don't understand why this is so difficult - my DH is a sweet, patient, loving guy who is not going to make fun of me or reject me, but I can't seem to get that into my head.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)


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